White Noise

/ˌ(h)wīt ˈnoiz/

noun

A constant background noise; especially: one that drowns out other sounds

A simple exchange at the bookstore. You never thought you'd meet him again.

And yet...There he was again, his face seemingly cheerful, yet a distant feeling shrouded around him. Almost as if no matter how close you got to him, there'd still be some sort of ambiguity or enigma about him. You couldn't understand him so you thought nothing of him, but you always seemed to be drawn towards him.

It was just a crush. Of course, it had to be a crush. What else could it have been? It wasn't like he was the only thing you were looking forward to while working at the library. I mean, there was the money, obviously. Yet, you couldn't help but notice him as he walked in for the first time. His wide grin and the occasional chuckle he'd let out that seemed to hold a childlike innocence, his deep brown eyes, his shoulder-length, blond hair that made him stick out a bit - you had to admit, he was quite the looker.

You stood at the counter, phone in one hand and the other lazily placed on the keyboard, just in case the librarian comes in and thinks you're not working. Your eyes drifted from your phone and to the doorway repeatedly. It was 6:30 pm, half an hour till your shift ended, but that's not what you were waiting for. You sat patiently just for another glimpse of that sweet smile and that dirty blonde hair to walk in with his deep brown eyes and the usual, "Hey there!" small talk and -

"Hey there!"

You looked up from your phone, eyes widening and an involuntary grin creeping up your face as you saw those same brown eyes you've been thinking about staring right back at you. You couldn't help it; his presence was just so uplifting and cheery. You had never met a person who could make you smile without even trying.

Well, not until you met him.

You asked him about his day and whether he was coming in for another one of Takatsuki Sen's books. He simply shook his head and placed some books on the counter. "Just came to return a few, haha," he said with a smile. You scratched the back of your head and apologized before getting to work on scanning the books.

"Hey…"

You looked up from the clutter of books to see him rubbing the back of his neck and his gaze darting away from yours. He held both of your hands and clapped them together before asking, "You free after your shift?" He looked at you fiercely with determination in his eyes.

:::

Hideyoshi Nagachika

The name so easily rolled off your tongue. You'd have the chance to say it several times in your lifetime. The first being right after he formally introduced himself at the coffee shop. You found it silly since it was a given that you'd know each other's names - one being that you always handled his library card when he came to return books, and the second being him having the chance to see your name card whenever he passes by your desk. You found yourself looking at him fondly as he just grinned.

The second time was when you were alone in bed only in your pajamas. You thought of all the things that had just happened - how he called you "pretty cute," to say it in his own words, and just how interesting your conversation was. You repeated his name to get a feel for it. You couldn't help but sigh longingly. When were you going to learn; when were you going to stop giving in to the little hopeless romantic inside of you? Haven't all your past relationships taught you a lesson yet?

Your days at the library were always relaxing whenever he was around, and trust me, he made it a point to always make an appearance sometime around your shift. You'd feel guilty that he somehow always found a way to see you, even while juggling his college life and his job. From his sweet tickles to you having to shut him up for getting a little too excited, albeit a little reluctantly - you'd have called out his name several times by now.

The long walks that lasted for hours and the places he'd take you that you didn't even know existed so close to you, it felt like he was opening up the world to you. The exchanges you'd have that never really went anywhere or had any purpose - that was a quirk you just felt doing so comfortably with him and never really got rid of despite knowing each other for a pretty long time. The weekends always ended in him coming to meet you after your shift and dragging you wherever. His hand gripped around yours tightly as the both of you walked through the autumn woods with the maple leaves falling all around you. His ears perked up when you called him "Hide" to slow down and he turned around and just smiled cheekily. That was the first time you ever called him that; and although you were embarrassed the first time, he encouraged you to call him that from then on.

:::

Sometimes...he wasn't so beaming.

You stole a glance at his face beside you on the wet grass as the starry night sky began to be painted above you at the last moments of sunset. His eyes, usually full of wonder, was sullen with grief or some sort of longing as he looked at the moon beginning to peek out in the sky. That's when you first heard him talk about anything from his past, and it all started with Kaneki Ken.

Everyone has a friend that he or she would do anything for. And if something happened to that friend, it'd feel like the world was crashing around him or her. That friend for Hide was Kaneki. He talked about how caring and accepting he was for Kaneki even though he knew that he didn't tell Hide what he was going through. It was painful to watch him full of worry. You secretly cursed this Kaneki for making him feel this way. He talked about how they met when they were kids and just how they stuck together even till university. His half-smile and gaze gave away his nostalgia and yearning. You never knew you were that dense and that it took you this moment to realize that you were in love with him all this time. You unconsciously called out his name and he turned to look at you with widened eyes and a simple response, "Hn?"

Your palm pressed against his cold cheek as you brought his face closer to yours. You didn't know what you were doing, you were just acting on impulse. He rose his eyebrows and even under the dim moonlight, you could see his cheeks tinged pink. He closed his eyes as you kissed his soft lips, chilled by the night air. Both of you opened your eyes when you parted for a moment before his fingers ran across the sides of your head, bringing you closer and going in for another kiss. His smell was engraved in your memory after that night. Honey scent. This was the one time you could say for sure that you wouldn't ever regret calling his name.

:::

You knew he worked at the CCG just as a minor assistant, yet you still felt insecure about him being in danger's way. You could never allow something like that happening to him, especially after hearing about how reckless he could get - following a ghoul to their hideout?! He had to be crazy. It gets worse as, sometimes, you wouldn't be able to see each other for days and that worried you, too much for you to admit. You didn't want him to slip away, especially before he knew about your feelings.

Two weeks went by without you two seeing each other. You knew he was having exams, but you couldn't help but worry. He didn't answer his phone or texts as much, but you knew you probably shouldn't bother him. It wasn't until he showed up right in front of you at your library desk that you felt relieved.

He had sunflowers in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other. You could never forget what he said to you right then and there.

"I'm so sorry about these two weeks. I noticed I just couldn't stop thinking about you…" He scratched his neck and chuckled a bit.

"I think I'm in love with you…Will you live with me?"

You always have mistaken infatuation for love.

All you could remember was the light tears streaming down your face as you said, "I love you, too," and hugged him with all your might.

But maybe not this time.

:::

The thick smell of spices and deliciousness spread through the air as he cooked meat for the both of you in the kitchen. You'd come behind him and hold his waist as you rested your ear against his lean back and listened to his heartbeat. Badum Badum. Faint but persisting. Donning a smile, he'd hold a hot piece of beef to you, and you'd eat it with as much vigor he used to cook for you with. The times the both of you roughhoused and had tickle fights and chased each other and argued playfully with each other were endless. Each time, the way you called his name was felt with a different emotion.

:::

"Are you ready?"

One particular night, you couldn't sleep. Hide was working late that night, and the bed was so empty beside you. You stared dully at your reflection in the mirror, which spanned along the entire wall beside your bed, and texted him about his whereabouts. He said he'd come soon, but you knew that'd mean a few hours at the least. It was about 2 a.m. when you heard the key unlocking the door and his footsteps filling the empty house. He called for your name softly, just in case you were asleep. But you weren't, obviously.

He took one step into your shared room only to be met with your hand grabbing him inside. He nearly yelled when he found himself falling onto the bed along with you. You kneeled over his body as you held his face up to kiss him. He closed his eyes and started biting on your lips with such desperation.

"I missed you, you know? Come home early."

He peppered kisses all over your face.

"I'll try, baby."

Your robe dropped off your shoulders, baring your breasts to him. You thought he'd be used to seeing your body by now, but every single time you uncovered yourself in front of him, he always looked completely awestruck by your beauty.

You held his palms and guided them to your breasts, giving him permission as you pressed kisses from his face to his jaw and to his neck.

You arched your back as you felt his firm grasp on your breast and his wet tongue pressing trails against your neck. He'd usually treat you with utmost gentleness, but his uncharacteristic roughness caught you off guard. Not that you were complaining. He removed your robe in one swift pull and flipped you so that your back faced him. You felt him tilt his head against the side of your neck and bite. You inhaled sharply and cursed under your breath. You saw yourself stripped of clothes in the mirror, and you shuddered as Hide looked up into the reflection with a smirk as he loosened his tie and removed it. He discarded his coat and fumbled with unbuttoning his shirt. You could feel his erection resting its weight against your ass, and you wanted nothing more than it being inside you. Before you knew it, he had already taken off all of his clothes and was pressing a trail of kisses down your back.

"Are you ready?"

:::

He came home from work late. Except it wasn't like you were dating some office worker where it was a given that they would be working late. Where it was a given that they'd come home safely. Where it was a given that their work wasn't dangerous. It was different for you. Hide coughed up spit as he entered your apartment, panting out of breath. He wasn't wearing his usual work clothes. He was wearing the same armor you saw the CCG wearing in the news. The report on the 20th ward raid. His eyes were hooded with a rough expression on his face. "Hide!?" He looked at you and just smiled. He held your neck and kissed your lips. A sensual, gentle, soft kiss. "W-Were you at the raid?" He didn't answer. He held you up on the counter and kissed you, hard.

"I love you so, so, so much."

He entwined his fingers with yours and pressed his forehead against yours. You had tears in your eyes. You didn't know what was happening but you knew something wrong was going to happen.

He carried you to bed and took care of your body the way you remembered your first time with him. He kissed all your insecurities and made you feel so loved. He was so...perfect. He spread your legs and lowered his lips to your folds to place a soft kiss. And then he held your hands against the pillow on either side of your head and gave you a chaste kiss before entering you in one light thrust.

His hips rolled against yours deliciously slow at first before finding its pace. The bed creaked with every thrust he did. You could smell the honey scent he donned from how close you were to him. He comforted you with the softest voice he could muster, or maybe he was comforting himself. You didn't know which. He was scared, though. You could feel it. His eyes were welling up but the tears didn't fall. You parted his hair from his eyes and kissed his nose with a tiny smile. All you could do was repeat "It's going to be okay" over and over.

:::

You laid on his chest out of breath, tracing circles on his abs. Sweat dribbled down Hide's face and his breath was erratic. He looked down at your face and kissed the top of your head. "I'm sorry." You furrowed your brows and looked up at him perplexed. He wasn't looking at you anymore. He stared out the window.

"I have to leave."

You sat up.

"Huh?"

"I think my best friend is going to die tonight."

Your eyes widened. Kaneki?

"I have to go save his ass, ehe." He scrunched his eyebrows and smiled at you a sad smile. "Wait for me?"

Tears threatened to spill out but you fought back. "You will come back, right? Right?"

He gave you a huge grin, the brightest you've seen from him.

"Of course!"

You waited by the hallway as he changed back into his armor. He held you by the waist and gave you a kiss that you would remember for a lifetime. He was about to walk out of the house but you grabbed his hand before he could go.

"Don't die…"

He sighed and smiled back at you.

"Never."

:::

Silence. That was all that was left in this house you were left in. It'd been weeks since the raid happened. He didn't come back.

Missing. That was the one thread you were hanging on. But, was that really all that better? He was neither dead nor alive. Just...missing. You sat on your bed missing a person who was missing, himself. You sat recounting all the memories you had of him. Your library job that you wouldn't miss for the world just because he visited every day. The adventures he took you on. The first kiss you shared with him. His honey scent. The first time you said you loved each other. His cooking. The way his body made you melt.

You missed him so fucking much. You missed his detective shows. You missed his laughter. You missed waking up to his face every day. You missed his brown eyes, his lips, his hair, his everything. You missed everything that made this Hide's apartment along with yours. Even the white noise. But most of all, you missed being able to say his name using all the ranges of emotions there were. But now, everytime you say his name, a pang of sadness always followed.

You hated the new white noise that came with the onset of Hide's disappearance. Silence was all that remained.