It was supposed to be good. This was something wholesome. This was a miracle. Why did it feel like dread? Why did it feel like everything was collapsing?
"I don't know what to do." I whispered, sitting in the worn out chair in the flat I shared with Sirius Black.
I looked around the worn flat in despair. The wallpaper was peeling and the carpet was stained, mostly from Sirius and I but some came from the people before us. Our furniture was mostly hand me downs from the Potters and the Weasleys…a couple items came as mysterious gifts, I was sure they were from McGonagall who had become sympathetic to our state.
Who knew two wizards from the wealthiest families would become nothing more than scraping by? Sirius was not going to get anything from his family and even if he did he wouldn't take it. My family had distanced themselves once I had decided on Sirius and the war. Yet, we loved our home and the freedom. Nothing had ever tasted sweeter.
The war….the one that had torn away a lot of the people I had adored from my school days. The war that had claimed my family members and twisted them into darker versions of themselves. I could only imagine what Sirius felt every time he used a spell on the death eater with a mask. Could it be Regulus?
"I don't know either." He admitted unsurely letting his long black hair fall to cover his expression. He leaned against the counter in front of my chair and I felt the tears well in my eyes.
Sirius was always sure. That is one of the things I loved and hated about the man. He was always so sure even when he wasn't and he was also so passionate when it came to things he believed in. To see him….unsure…it was vulnerable.
"We can't just walk away….the order needs us." I responded suddenly feeling confident in something. The Order of the Phoenix was something we needed to do and something I felt true conviction for especially now.
"I don't want that." Sirius admitted, "We have to think about…"
My pregnancy. My baby. Our baby. Something that has been unexpected and I hated to say unwelcome but it truly was at the moment.
"The Prewetts…they…."
"A lot of good people have died." Sirius finished my thought, "What if we become one of them?"
"Then a part of us would live on. Our child will have a better world than we did." I sighed in despair at the thought. "What else are we supposed to do, Sirius? We did this."
I stood up slowly and shakily walked toward Sirius's figure. I brushed some of the hair aside and saw how pale he looked. He was truly frightened. More so than facing Lucius Malfoy in a dark corridor or even Bellatrix Black.
"What if I become my mother?" He whispered out.
I scrunched my face, "How would you…." I started to ask. He grabbed my wrist and his black eyes met mine in desperation.
"What if it happens? What if I never think he's good enough? What if he's just a disappointment? What if I start to get angry? What if…."
He was spiraling. Sirius's greatest fear was not dying or Voldemort or even his family…it was simply becoming them. He was terrified of creating someone as dejected and outcast as himself.
"I know you won't because I have the same fears….we'll watch each other. Sirius Black, I think you'll be a brilliant father." I assured him feeling the emotions well up along with him.
"What are we going to do?" He asked me again, still unsure. We were only nineteen.
"I'm going to have you baby." I simply thinking of all the horrors we had seen in the past year.
We hear someone screaming outside and turned sharply with wands in hand. Sirius pushed me to the wall as he crept to the window to slowly peak behind the thick dusty curtains that hung in our sitting room. My heart was beating. They had come for us. They had to have come for us. Bellatrix must have found us I gripped my wand so tightly my index finger's nail pierced my skin. I watched Sirius intently and watched as his chest released all pressure and he pocketed his wand.
"Just honeymooners….muggles." He remarked as he turned to look at me and I felt the same pressure release.
"We can't do this." I started to cry as the anxiety washed from me. "We can't be looking around every corner….every night wondering if we'll wake up or if they've come for us finally. I don't want to end up like Marlene."
The wound was fresh….days old. I remembered walking into the house of my best friend and crumbling at the sight of her…her family all pale and cold, all I could see was their eyes twisted into terror. She had tried to fight and she had lost.
Sirius approached me and fell to his knees, placing his forehead against my abdomen and his hands on my hips.
"Let's….let's tell James and Lily." His voice was wavering. He didn't want me to see. I nodded; fresh tears still present on my cheeks. I placed a hand on top of his soft locks. We going to pretend to be happy but they would know.
This was not a happy occasion.