Name – No
Genre – Romance/Angst
Warnings – Yaoi
Pairings – SBRL, JPLE
Friendship Pairings – Marauders + Lily
Why?
Because you broke my heart…
Summary – Everyone loves Sirius Black. But they won't love him forever.
000
Sirius should've known this was going to happen. He should've been prepared for rejection. He shouldn't have been so arrogant. He shouldn't have been so, so…
He shouldn't have just assumed he'd say yes. He should have tried harder. Should have put more emphasis on the words that meant the most. He should have, he should have…
"I cannot believe you're actually surprised." James says as he rubs his best man's back hoping it will sooth him. But it doesn't work. Sirius is still tense and too abnormally quiet.
James starts to worry. Because Sirius Black was never quiet. Never.
"What do you mean?" Comes a whisper.
James feels his lips curve into an unwilling, but relieved smile. "Well, for one, the way you said it didn't make your words very believable."
There is another long, awkward silence. James worries even more, because this isn't Sirius. He doesn't know how to deal with the person sitting next to him in the empty hall where his wedding ceremony took place. This, this stranger.
"I don't understand." Sirius mutters, sounding close to tears which scares James, because Sirius Black doesn't cry. "It wasn't that bad, was it?"
It was. Dear Merlin, it was. Even James had been shocked by what Sirius had done, had said. Swinging his arm over Remus' shoulders, giving him that cocky grin, saying those things to him like Remus (dear, sweet, precious Remus) was just going to be another victim. Another one-night stand. Another faceless heartbreak.
James says nothing. He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't want to upset this, this stranger any further. He doesn't want to destroy the remains of Sirius (arrogant, insensitive, egoistic Sirius).
He doesn't have to.
Sirius sighs. "Alright, so I was being a little… insensitive."
"A little?" James laughs at that, more out of nervousness than anything else, but quickly stops when Sirius glares at him. The venomous kind of glare that was usually send Bellatrix' way. The kind that was saved for those Sirius hates the most. James flinches. "You really love him, don't you?"
"You think?" Is the snappy response. But it is shaky as well. So vulnerable, so breakable.
James shakes his head as if trying to wake himself up. Sirius Black doesn't cry. This was just a dream. Just a bad dream. Because Sirius Black doesn't cry.
He watches him down the rest of the firewhiskey, watches him scan the hall for more bottles, more unfinished glasses with eyes so sad. So, so sad. So vulnerable, so breakable. He watches this, this stranger get to his feet, shakily, unsteadily, and walk to the next table, dropping himself into the chair.
A stranger with his best friend's face. A handsome stranger with the face of heartbreak.
James stands up and sits down in the seat next to him. He wants to comfort this stranger. He wants to say soothing things, tell him it was going to be alright. Even though he didn't know how, even though he knew it isn't.
It isn't alright. Because Sirius Black doesn't cry. Even if Sirius Black is just a stranger with his best friend's face.
"I wish I could blame him for this." The stranger says. "I wish… I wish I could blame him. I want to blame him."
James becomes angry. He clenches his jaw and fumbled with the sleeves of his tux, glaring at the stranger for making him hate the world on what was supposed to be the most beautiful day of his life. Hating the tears that he sees, hating the words that he hears. Hating, hating on the most beautiful day of his life.
"If he had said yes, everything would've have been fine." The stranger whispers.
"If you really love him so much, than why did you act like that?" He isn't screaming. James isn't screaming or shouting or yelling. So why did his words echo through the hall? Why did that sentence pollute the already lachrymose emotions choking up the air.
The stranger looks at him. His eyebrows are furrowed, his cheeks are wet, and there is pain. There is so much pain.
"I-I was nervous,", Liar, "So I just did what I always do. I just… I was nervous."
Liar.
James knows the real reason. He knows the real Sirius (arrogant, insensitive, egoistic Sirius). And Sirius Black doesn't cry. Because Sirius Black is a jerk. Because he's Sirius Orion Black. And Sirius Orion Black is a son of a bitch.
000
"You should've said yes." Is the first thing she says when she finds him.
Remus looks up and Lily flinches. Because there is no gentleness, there is no compassion or regret. She watches the sharp edges and her breath hitches in her throat. And she wonders, she wonders…
She sits down, her wedding dress, all lace and silk and dirty, looking out of place. Because she's tired and filthy and her make-up is running and her hair is a mess. And she wonders, she wonders…
"You should have said yes." She repeats, giving him a smile, because she thinks he needs it. Only he doesn't smile back.
But Remus Lupin always smiles. Remus Lupin always smiles back. Only he doesn't.
His eyes, those sharp edges full of hate and hate and hate, turn to her and she looks away. She's scared because she doesn't know who this person is.
"Why is that?" Remus finally says. His voice is harsh. Too harsh. Too defensive. Too absolute. And it takes her too long to give him an answer. Because he's not smiling. Remus Lupin always smiles.
"Because I think he really meant what he said this time." Lily says, and then she notices the bottle.
Remus laughs. He laughs and it sounds so cruel, so harsh. So, so…
He takes another sip of the liquor, "Do you even know what he said? How he treated me?"
Lily flinches. Because there is so much emphasis and hatred and bitterness. And why isn't he smiling?
Remus Lupin always smiles.
She nods because she had been there. She had heard, she had seen the arrogance, the smirk, the arm that wound itself around his shoulders.
But it had been Sirius. And Sirius Black is a jerk. And Sirius Orion Black is a son of a bitch. And he loves Remus. So much.
He should know. Remus should know. Because Remus Lupin always knows.
"He loves you, Remus." She says. She looks at the bottle, because she cannot bear the sight of those sharp edges. Sharp edges digging into her skin as he looks at her and hurts because this isn't Remus.
Remus smiles. Remus knows. This isn't Remus. This, this stranger with eyes so sharp, with words so cruel, with so much hate and hate and hate. This isn't Remus.
"He loves me." The stranger says, "But he loves himself more. Always has, always will."
And Lily becomes angry. Because she's scared and filthy and this was supposed to be the most beautiful day of her life. But she's afraid and she doesn't know who to hate anymore.
"But he loves you." She repeats. And she looks at him. But there are still sharp edges. Because he doesn't know. But Remus Lupin always knows.
"So because he loves me, I'm supposed to love him back? Just because he loves me?"
And he's cruel. He's so, so cruel. Lily doesn't understand. Only she does. But she doesn't want to.
"You love him, too." She says. But she isn't sure. She asks it like a question. And she wonders, she wonders.
"Yes, I do. But I'm not in love with him, Lily. Not anymore. How could I after everything he's done to me?" The edges are sharp, so sharp. And Lily feels the cuts, Lily sees the pain. And it hurts. Because there is hate and hate and hate.
She is silent. She doesn't know why. She wants to speak. She wants him to know. She wants him to smile.
BecauseRemus Lupin always knows. Remus Lupin always smiles.
"I could never love him like that again. He's done too much damage."
But Remus Lupin is not smiling. Because Remus Lupin knows.
Remus Lupin always knows.
And she feels the cuts and she feels the pain. And it hurts, because she doesn't know who to hate.
"This was supposed to be the most beautiful day of my life." She whispers.
000
James grabs the bottle from limp fingers. James rubs the back of his best man. And he wonders, he wonders.
"Maybe he just needs time to think it over. Maybe you just caught him by surprise. Maybe you should ask him again." Maybe, maybe, maybe. James wants to reassure him. But he doesn't, because he can't.
Sirius shakes his head. The world is spinning and he feels numb and wet and cold. His eyes feel dry and sore. His throat is burning. He hears James sigh.
Because Sirius Black doesn't cry. Only he is, because Sirius Black is a jerk.
"It's over. He said no." And he cries, because he feels the cuts. Because this was supposed to be the most beautiful day of his life. "Eventually, they all say no."