*DISCLAMER- I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! ALL RIGHTS TO STEPHANIE MEYER!*

I was going through different emotions and different pains. I lay on my bed starring up at the ceiling pointlessly not really even starring at it, since my mind was somewhere else. Just like everything had become pointless and a blur to me since…

I couldn't bare to even think about it. I couldn't even bear to even think about thinking about it. Ugh. I sounded like an overdramatic teen who just broke up with her boyfriend. Who they thought they truly loved. But at least sooner or later they would realize and would move on and find someone else…

For me, I knew I truly loved… And here came the pain again. I rolled over to one side clutching my chest with one fist. I cried in agony begging for the pain to stay away. While the new burst of tears came, I realized I had the dried ones down my checks.

I couldn't decide if I should, or kind of already did a little, hate him because of this. But he wasn't to blame. I knew we didn't belong. I didn't deserve him, and he was to good for me.

I once thought when life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end. But then again…why bother enjoying the dream if its just going to be taken away? I guess that just life for you, doing what its known for sometimes. But I still was thankful even though my conflicting theory's.

Then I herd my dad call me from downstairs. That saved me. Knowing I had to push it away and save it for later and now I had to be strong for Charlie.

* * * *

That day didn't get any better. My insanity was released and proved everyone right. They all knew I was suffering even though I thought I was doing a good job putting on a happy face. I had fooled no one. Maybe it was because I never actually smiled.

I didn't even care or think abut what I did. But when I herd Charlie talk about it and found out how much it scared them and hurt tem. Of course it scared them! As I remembered what happened saw the scene through my eyes for the first time realizing that wasn't me! It even scared me!

I never acted out of control like that before! I couldn't even remember the last time I was that furious! Or the last time my lungs yelled that loud! I never knew they could go that loud! And it wasn't even fair to take it out on them! What did they do? I looked over to my computer. My poor aged computer laying broken. The poor furniture. I took out on everything and none of it had a fault. I felt so guilty. Even for the inanimate objects.

I wasn't mad at my family or anyone else. I knew why I was mad, more then mad, outright furious! More then that even! I couldn't even think of a word! Just thinking about it made me feel the pain.

I realized it then! I had to get out of there. I had to. Just to leave and go. Anywhere.

Maybe I would just dig up a hole and let the pain take me. Couldn't be worse then this. To hut Charlie and Renée and Jacob! Putting them in danger?! That did it. I packed my bag and threw it out the window. I started sticking one leg out thinking it couldn't be that far down. Then I looked down to be careful how I landed. When I noticed, yes. Yes it could be that far down.

I started pulling my leg back in. When I felt a strong grip helping me by shoving my leg back in.

"Oh!'' I cried.

"Are you crazy?" he said without any sympathy for my leg.

Probably. I thought.

"I need a ride."

"What?" Jacob said.

"Will two rides. Different rides actually. One on your back to your house to your car, and the other in your car."

He looked at me for a moment like I had answered him yes to his first question. His eyebrows where wrinkled in a v shape.

"What?" h

He still asked confused.

"I need to get out of here," I paused for a moment "its not safe." I tried to explain.

Finally the v shape lifted a little in understanding. But he still didn't budge. So the v was now sort of a u shape, since it lifted a little.

"Bella," he began, trying to soothe me by speaking calmly. But at the same time he sounded like he was trying really hard to make me hear him. Make me understand. " if you think she could possibly even touch you while we're around, then I feel so offended that you still don't have much faith in us. Were werewolves and strong ones at that. You've seen and know what we can do. You have nothing to worry about.-"

I cut him off, "Jacob-" but he cut me off.

"No Bella! Shut-up! We can do this! I can do this! Were strong too! I'm strong! Just as good as... better then-"

I blinked my eyes trying to clear my head suspecting what he was going to say. I cut him of trying to make him understand and forget to finish the speech I didn't wan to hear.

"Jacob, if I new she wasn't a danger to Charlie, Renée and you all and it was just me she wanted to kill I would of…" I would of gone to find her along time ago and let her take me out of my misery. Happily. I would of added, but I didn't dare finish because I knew he wouldn't let it go. He would just start a whole other speech trying to convince me and then it would lead to him trying to convince me of other things I didn't want to hear. Or deal with right now. I had enough to think about and worry and he wasn't helping.

"I can take care of that too!…I mean we can!"

Then he started back to window about to leave. Then he turned around and pointed a finger at me.

"And your lucky I don't tell Sam you don't think were strong enough to do take care of just one vampire! He would have been so offended, poor guy. He'd probably be so offended he might have let you're a** die! And then we have another problem on our hands to resolve as I didn't have enough." he said as he walked back to the window.

"And watch out next time where you dumb your bag! You could knock someone out that way! Ouch." he said as he rubbed his head.

"Sorry" I muttered.

I had crossed my arms against my chest protectively. My eyes flickering down while he talked. I noticed how much he said "I". I knew what he really meant. He was trying to prove he was good enough. Comparing him self to-

I held myself tighter and squinted my eyes chanting in my head, no no no go away go away, I pleaded.

I knew this weren't the hands I wanted to hold me together. I didn't want to think about this anymore. I needed to get out of here.

"Jacob!" I called quickly. He was already outside the window starting to climbing down. He looked up. All I could see was his head. His eyes were wide and his eyebrows were raised up in curiosity. Probably hoping I wanted him to stay with me. I felt bad.

"Are you gonna give me a ride or what?" I asked.

In a blink in of an eye his v shaped brows were back and a furious face to match.

"NO!" he yelled.

Then from the other room I could hear Charlie's snores gone and a thump.

"Oh! Now you've done it!" I almost yelled. He didn't care. He went on.

"I'VE TOLD YOU I CAN DO THIS! IM BETTER! WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?…WHY CANT I BE GOOD ENUGH FOR YOU? WHY CANT WE JUST…"

I couldn't listen to this anymore. And I herd a second thump. Charlie was probably just putting on his boots on slowly and half asleep. I rushed over to Jacob hoping to be quick and strong enough, that he didn't even know what was coming. I felt bad but I knew he would be okay and he said he was strong, right? So this wouldn't even hurt. I pushed him as hard as I could on his shoulders. Hoping he would fall back. Then I could shut the window, run back to my bed in time and play it off I was asleep before Charlie got to the door.

His eyes didn't shift from my face to see what was I doing. He grabbed on tight to my arms. Still staring at me. He was mad I could tell by his cold stair on my face.

"LET GO JACOB!"

He kept his eyes locked on me for a moment longer then he disappeared. I closed my window and pretty much flew to my bed. Just in time I controlled my breathing, when Charlie checked on me and then closed the door and went back to his room. It wasn't long till he started snoring again.

I didn't get up. I stayed laying down, not wanting to get up and fight with Jacob again. So I took the moment to think about exactly what I was going to do. Obviously Jacob wasn't going to help. At least not easily. I just hoped he wouldn't tell Charlie in the morning. He probably would now that I think about it. I guess that meant I had to leave tonight. I didn't know how but I defiantly didn't know what to do after. I just knew I wanted death. Wow, they were right. I was insane. These were the times I thought to hate him and consider it his fault. I cringed at the pain that stung at the moment I thought of him. That pain brought me the idea again how I had to leave tonight and get away. For my family to be safe. All of my family. Including the wolves. That was the best reason I had for leaving to argue with Jacob about this. And afterwards I guess I would just enjoy my last days. I wasn't afraid of death. Right now it was the only friend that I had that would give me what I wanted…

I jumped out of bed and threw open the window. I thought abut this quickly. I knew Jacob was out there , I could already feel his gaze on me. So I decided to just jump out quickly knowing he would catch me. Then I would just start running to his house to get his car, no doubt arguing him there all the way. He wasn't gonna carry me there so I would just have to do that part myself.

I began to climb out then thinking what if was in his wolf form and couldn't phase fast enough to catch me? So I decided to give him a head start.

"Catch me! And be ready!" I called. "1, 2,…" I counted hoping he would be ready by 3.

Then I let my self fall closing my eyes. I didn't hear his voice since I knew I wasn't in much danger. And if I died from falling, will then at least I didn't have to go far to find what I wanted.

Jacobs arms caught me and wrapped them selves around me. These weren't the hands I wanted to hold me either, but they would do.

"Are you crazy?" Jacob whispered struggling to not raise his voice.

"Jacob, I think by know you should know the answer to that!" I hissed. I even realized it by now.

What else would you call a person who wasn't afraid of death? I looked around at the darkness.

"Where's my bag?" I asked. He didn't reply and he was still holding be bridal style. I looked up at him. He was starring at my face, probably still confused. He was about to start. I knew it.

"Before you start, you said you had to many problems. If I left so would Victoria. Then none of you would have to take a chance of being hurt or bother taking care of me or Charlie. And then all the vampires would be gone."

He stared at me for a while. I wondered what he could be thinking.

"And where would you go? Huh? To go find him?" He finally asked.

"No I actually thought about thinking going some where south. Where its sunny. And I would like to see the ocean before…" I stopped, hoping he wouldn't catch on. There was a short pause.

"Bella my biggest problem would be losing you. And I would trade having all of these problems then having to worry about to lose you. "

"I think I will tell Charlie good bye in the morning and then go to live with my mom for a while, then leave and go south." I decided. Jacob frowned at me.

"Did you even hear me?" he said getting mad.

I ignored him and changed my plans.

"Fine, I'll stay and have a fun week with Charlie and my friends. Ill teach him how to cook and then I'll go leave with Renée till schools over and ill take the time to think about the whole death thing. I'll move to somewhere down south near the ocean and think about it some more while I enjoy the sun are you happy?"

That did sound like a good idea to him kinda sorta but I don't know if I can go that long suffering. Maybe I'll just move over there then runaway.

"I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU BELLA. DON'T YOU HEAR ME?"

I didn't want to hear him! I didn't want to hear that he was in love with me!

"YES JACOB! AND I WANT YOU TO SHUTUP!" Then he dropped me. I fell to the ground making and "ouf" sound.

"IF I WAS PALE WHITE, COLD, GREW FANGS, AND WANTED TO KILL YOU, THEN LEFT, THEN WOULD YOU LOVE ME?"

"If you had a sudden urge to change who you are, Jacob, I would still love you, just not the way you mean it!"

There was a silence. My hand felt something beside me, it was my bag. I clutched it and started getting up. I stood up holding my bag. I wasn't sure what to do next. Should I stay? Or should I just start walking now? I looked over to Jacob.

He was looking at me thoughtfully. He was leaning to one side, then shifted his weight to his other leg and looked down, when he met my gaze. I wasn't sure what he would allow me to do.

He might be to mad and not help me back up to my room if I decided to stay. I could easily threaten to just leave now if he didn't help me.

And if I started walking away to go on with my first plan to just leave then he would surely stop me. But I could just argue while we walked till he gave in. ugh. This was what I hated. I loved Jacob and his easy going nature but to get what I wanted we would argue a lot lately. Everything would have to be a debate. Nobody gave me what I wanted.

Thats when I finally decided to just stay the extra week with Charlie. I was to tired to start walking or bicker with Jacob. And I wouldn't be able to take his keys if he wouldn't drive me himself. I looked over to my truck, for the first time I cursed it for having such a noisy engine that would wake Charlie so easily and give away my escape plan.

"Help me back up to my room." I demanded calmly.

"No! Do it your self!" he was mad, I knew it. "So Charlie can find you out here and maybe talk you out of running away and maybe he'll finally do something about you!"

"About me?" I was about to cut him off from talking but that last part took me by surprise. "What do you mean about me?"

"Nothing, forget it. I don't feel like talking about your little trance. Here climb on my back and ill help back up." he sounded frustrated and tired. I could tell he didn't want to talk anymore, but I didn't care about that right now after what he said.

"Trance?"

He sighed tired like and just pulled me on his back himself. He leaped up and pulled my window open jumped in and set me down. Then he turned back to the window to leave.

"What did you mean by trance?"

He paused then sighed . But he didn't turn. "Nothing."

" I know what your saying. I know I haven't been myself lately- "

"Your dang right you haven't!" he finally turned. "And I didn't want to start arguing again! And its because of him your hurting yourself and everyone else! AND YOU STILL LOVE HIM!"

I wrapped my arms protectively trying t hold my self together.

He rolled his eyes at me and turned back to the window and muttered something under his breath as he went.

"I know I'm hurting everyone and I'm not happy about it."

He threw his arm in the air then just waved away like waving away whatever he was going to say.

And then he left.

"That'll be another problem you wont have to worry about when I'm gone. I wont be hurting anyone anymore. Neither myself." I said quietly to myself.

* * * * *

"Cause I wont let it."

I spun to see his face that I hadn't seen I n what seemed years but at the same time looked so familiar like I had just seen him yesterday."

"Edward-" I struggled to say the name, my voice broke as I said it.

He starred at me for a moment.

"Hello Bella" he said calmly as he approached me.