Now, my lovely readers! Please do not contradict me and what I say in the next few pages or so. Unless you are an Olympic level trainer you will not and I repeat you will not tell me how to ride a horse. If you do I will grind your bones to make my bread. I am sorry to be so threatening for in real life I am not; I just don't take kindly to those who pretend to be above me in my riding skill. Dude! That really makes me sound like a snotty little person who continually rides up another horses' butt! Doesn't that just annoy the crap out of all ya you rider? Anyway, this is a spur of the moment thing when I felt like everyone in the whole lovely but freaking annoying middle-earth was kind of too perfect. I decided to put some flaws on 'em. Well, Shadowfax that is.
And Gandalf rode up on his little gray horsie, Shadowfax to show off to everyone else. Of course, the company was less impressed with what Shadowfax had to offer. Standing at about mere 15 hands high, a plain wreck of a poorly breed horse.
"Darn Gandalf!" Merry explained as he assessed the conformation of Shadowfax, "what! Did your mother make love with Boromir or something?"
"He is the apple of King Theoden's eye, Merry, do not undermine him," said Gandalf, "he is a noble beast mind you!"
"Aww, noble my ass," cried Merry, "don't you freakin' wizards know anything? Or are you too all-seeing and omnipotent to look at reality? You know omnipotent is one heck of a cool word? That'll be my word of the day!" Pippin began rambling on and on endlessly about all the interesting words he had in his vocabulary, most of which he didn't know the meaning of.
"Well," Legolas stated after looking at Shadowfax for a time, "his endurance must be well having been able to bear you. Although, I admit, his carriage is a bit off. He holds his head too high. Maybe a nice loose ring snaffle would do him the trick."
"Aye. Perhaps maybe a Dr. Bristol at the least, especially when one is riding openly," said Gimli.
"Aw, what do you know? Can you not see the beauty in a nice quiet canter, the collection of the horse along a rocky way? Nay, what do you know, you dwell in caves and know nothing of the equine world."
"And what is that suppose to mean? Oh, ya, like we're really going to practice balance seat while we're being pursued by orcs. What are you? A gay little dressage elf? Most all men riding dressage are a little bit fruity anyway. Should have figured I guess." And with that the two began to bicker on and on endlessly. Gandalf in despair, turned to Aragorn but nothing of omen was to be seen in his eyes.
"Shadowfax would not suit me either. I am an eventer dear Gandalf and far from the novice course in cross-country. A good and sound horse would I take, not an aged heaving mare. Look! Thy horse is over at the knee and pigeon toed non-the less. Not to mention slightly cow-hocked. This horse is build for something other than war reenactments, my guess would be a nice pleasure ride on a sunny day for a hunter course."
"His backs a bit too long," stated Legolas.
"And head a bit too large," stated Gimli.
"Your head's a bit too big," cried Legolas a bit annoyed. They began their petty torments to each other again while Boromir and Aragorn sat back and laughed. When it did not cease and Boromir and Aragorn noticed that no one was paying them much heed, they took off into the woods, but we shall save that for another tale.
"So what do you think about Shadowfax Frodo?" Gandalf said finally when he realized the audience was slowly decreasing.
"Frankly, I don't really care, Gandalf," he said solemnly, "I am neither an eventer nor specialize in hunter jumper competitions, nor equestrian in general. To put it in as nice of words that I can relate unto thee, I do not care and I do not want to care."
"Dude, is Sam crawling up your pants again, Frodo?" Pippin asked realizing that Sam wasn't there.
"No, he um…must have gone off some place," said Frodo and he walked away looking a little nervous, as though a large weight had indeed been placed in his pants.
"Thin and stretched he is," quoted Merry, "you could have sworn that either he'd lost the ring or was keeping something back from us."
"Aww, yes," said Pippin and they looked at each other and chuckled, or more of giggled. Pretty soon they were off in the woods claiming that they were collecting firewood.
"Yes, we dearly need fire wood!" They said together at the same time.
"Oh, by the way, Gandalf, when was the last time he had his sheath cleaned?" Merry asked as they went off to "get firewood".
Ok, I admit, I really only put this up because I wanted to see if I could write a lemon of some sort or other that is not all innocent. Tell me if you want me to continue for it is a harsh little story. This was actually a bit of an experiment to see how many people would want to steam me. I don't really care if you hate it and please do tell me if you do for I would love to hear someone flame me right now. I am an evil little writer, keep that in mind my readers whether you hate me or love me. Oh, and peoples, I am aware that this has no particular time or date or anything relevant to the story, if you review, do tell me something that I am not aware of.