Peter knows

Peter and Tony are lovers. Have been since the moment Tony seduced Peter half a year after he started working for Tony and three months after Tony got curios about the new guy in R&D who had his hand in all the new brilliant things being developed in the labs of Stark Industries, and found him in Peter.

It has taken almost another three months for Peter to realize that this relationship isn't the dream come true he wants it to be.

It is times like these that Peter wishes to be more self-assured or failing that, more dense. If he was either, he wouldn't have felt the gnawing doubt in the past months and the agonizing certainty now.

Fact is, Peter knows his worth well enough to question why someone like Tony Stark would ever give him a second look. He has first idolized and later loved Tony too much not to know that Tony is completely and utterly out of his reach. They live in different spheres and his world is too far away to even touch the outer realm of Tony's.

He doesn't understand why Tony ever actually saw him, him, the nobody, the one who has always been pushed around and only gained some inkling of worth because through some freak accident or fate's whims or whatever the hell someone wants to call it, a radioactive spider bit him and instead of killing him turned him into even more of a freak, but at the same time gave him abilities which make his existence even remotely worthwhile.

The first few weeks, after he had realized that he wasn't just a one-night stand for the man he had fallen in love with during the few short weeks he had been noticed by Tony, before their relationship turned from hero-worship to a tentative friendship to the… well… some would call it dirty affair, but Peter still flinches every time at the very thought of calling their involvement by such a degrading name, even though he now knows, it's the truth. He didn't at first; no, he actually had been over the moon at every thought which connected him to Tony in any fashion, because it reminded him that Tony was his lover, actually his.

Now he knows better. They have been involved for six months and Peter can't fool himself anymore, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how much he wants to. Tony doesn't love him, probably never did. It was only his delusions which made him think that he actually meant something to Tony. Oh, they are still involved, still lovers, but Peter has no doubt that Tony would never miss him and probably wouldn't mind at all if he broke up with him. The only thing he would hurt was Tony's pride and sometimes Peter even doubts that.

He knows he should break up with Tony, not only because Tony doesn't love him, but actually because Tony is in love with someone else. The problem is, while Tony wouldn't feel any pain over their break-up, Peter would. He knows himself and he knows that he will completely break down when Tony ends their relationship. He is barely hanging on as it is, even though right now Tony is with him, the very thought of Tony's real emotions cripple him with pain.

It is only a matter of time before Tony breaks up with him, so Peter clings with all he is to the last few days he has with him, even now he knows better than to cling to Tony. He knows every attempt to keep Tony will irrevocably only shorten the time he has with him.

Tony despises clingers and Peter doesn't want to be remembered as the pathetic kid who thought he could actually keep Tony. That is, if Tony actually remembers him at all.

He started realizing it before the first Avengers Meeting Tony had taken him to, after they got involved. Tony had made it quite clear that their relationship was to be kept under wraps and even the Avengers weren't to be told. Peter had thought that Tony was worried over the bad publicity they would receive and the damage it could do to Stark Industries. It is much later he realized Tony had meant especially the Avengers weren't to be told. Tony has never cared all that much for his image, simply because Tony could do whatever he wanted, the press would still love him.

The second time he got some inkling of Tony's real feelings was when he recognized a look in Tony's eyes which he himself wore when he thought of Tony. It was one of hero-worship, the one someone wears when they can't believe that such a awe-inspiring person can actually exist and realize once again how lucky they are to even be in their presence. The problem is the look isn't directed at Peter, not that he ever expects to be worshipped, but at someone else. Someone he can't compete with, someone he can't ever measure up to, someone Tony never had described in the positive light, he actually seems to see him in.

This time it takes a while but he still is able to push his concerns away.

It's the third time, when he realizes, that no matter how much he ignores his concerns, their relationship is still only temporary, because sooner or later Tony will get over whatever is keeping him from telling Steve Rogers that he's in love with him and breaking Peters heart in so many pieces, no one will be able to glue them back together. It's actually absurd that it took Peter so long to realize this since he had been expecting a broken heart even before they got involved. It just shows that Peter hasn't learned anything and is still just the foolish nerdy kid he always has been.

Tony idolizes Steve Roger, maybe not as much as he did when he was a kid but still enough and Peter knows what happens when one doesn't grow out of it, he has experienced it after all. Peter knows better than anyone else how fast hero-worship can turn into love, because Peter used to idolize Tony, too and sometimes he still does.

It's the reason why Peter immediately realized that every action of Tony's is geared on receiving Steve's attention, when they're in the same room. Tony actively provokes Captain America because even negative attention is better than no attention.

It's worse, when Tony and Steve get along, because while Tony begs for Steve's attention, Peter knows, he is begging for Tony's. When they get along, Peter doesn't seem to exist anymore and all his begging is completely in vain.

So yes, Peter knows that Tony is just passing time with him, he knows that Tony doesn't love him and that soon his heart will be broken, but Tony has taught him something and it is a lesson Peter probably understands better than Tony, so he will keep ignoring that this relationship was doomed from the start and that he doesn't mean anything at all to Tony, because even some attention is better than no attention at all.

This is my first fic in english so please be kind (english is only my third language).
It is kind of depressing that my first english fanfic is so depressing especially because Tony/Peter is one of my favorite parrings, so if there is any interest, I actually have a few ideas of turning this into a happy end, so I guess I'll just wait for the feedback.

P.S. On a more personal matter, if there is someone who wold consider beta-reading my work, I would be quite grateful.