Sebastian manages to swipe Kurt's cell phone number the day before Kurt loses his phone and decides to buy a new one. That sucks for Sebastian's original plan, but it's okay. Sebastian decides to use this as an opportunity to vent every feeling he's ever had about Kurt Hummel …
… because there's no chance anyone is ever going to see those messages … right?
Notes: An AU that assumes Kurt stayed at Dalton when Sebastian returned and that they are all in the same grade. Warning for mention of Blaine/Klaine.
"Jesus Christmas!" Kurt exclaims out of nowhere, cutting short the conversation he'd been leading about Stephen Sondheim on Spotify. He starts rifling through his book bag like his life depends on it, then searching the pockets of his slacks – first patting them down, then shoving his hands deep in them as if expecting them to open up, revealing storage areas previously unknown.
"What's wrong?" Blaine asks, looking up from his biscotti and medium drip.
"My stupid phone," Kurt huffs, searching his bag a second time, removing its contents piece by piece to be sure. "I've lost it … again! What does this make?"
"Three times this week," Sebastian mutters to himself, but not because he's paying attention. But because Kurt's voice is so loud and obnoxious, it draws attention to itself without even trying.
"I think this makes the third time this week," Blaine offers.
"Bingo," Sebastian agrees between bites of his toast.
"Well, you know what this means …" Kurt tosses down his bag in frustration, then re-thinks that and rescues it from the filthy ground.
"That you're not responsible enough to own a phone?" Sebastian jeers from his seat three tables away. He could get up and say it to Kurt's face, but the more time goes by, the less he cares about insulting Kurt where the boy can hear. Kurt doesn't let fly with his banshee wailing or his clap-backs anymore. He simply rolls his eyes and goes about his business.
It isn't fun anymore.
But that has nothing to do with Kurt and a lot to do with Sebastian. Kurt is actually being mature, abiding by the truce he, Blaine, and Sebastian came to – to remain civil towards one another for the remainder of their time at Dalton. Kurt has held up his end, mostly by ignoring Sebastian's entire existence. That was the only way he could see for their truce to work. The two of them have nothing in common except a deep-seeded loathing for one another.
That is also Sebastian's fault.
Kurt sighs. "I guess I'm not responsible enough to own a phone."
Sebastian chokes on his toast.
"On the contrary," Blaine says. "If anything, it means you need a new phone. And I think that this afternoon would be the perfect time to go buy one. You know you've been looking to trade up to an iPhone."
"Until I found out that I won't be able to keep my old number for some reason. That's going to be a hassle."
"But it's worth it," Blaine sings, flashing his own iPhone, knowing how much Kurt's been coveting it.
"I don't think I have it in my budget to buy a new phone," Kurt argues, gathering up his things and getting ready to let Blaine persuade him to buy one anyway.
"But you had enough money to get that atrocious skull bowtie," Sebastian mutters. Though, to be frank, he thought the bowtie looked dashing. More so than some of Kurt's other bowties … specifically the ones that Blaine has given him.
How can a boy like Blaine, who looks like he stepped out of an issue of GQ wearing his Dalton uniform, have such awful fashion sense?
"Nonsense," Blaine says. "They're on sale. And you know how much you love shopping for stuff on sale."
"True, true."
Sebastian finishes his toast and coffee watching the Dream Team leave out of the corner of his eye. They walk out the door, heading for their room, and like that, Sebastian is alone. It's much more quiet in the senior commons after they go, much more conducive to the calm, relaxing morning he'd been aiming for when he came downstairs, especially considering Jeff is supposed to stop by later that afternoon for help with his Calculus homework (which Sebastian was tricked into agreeing to during a rare moment of weakness). So he should relish these few hours of solitude while he can get them.
Regardless, Sebastian can't think of an excuse to stay, so he goes back to his room.
Sebastian's room happens to be one floor up from Kurt and Blaine's – right above theirs, as a matter of fact. They're in there now, changing clothes, coordinating their outfits for their trip to the mall. Sebastian lies down on his bed and listens through the paper-thin ceiling as Blaine swoons over something of Kurt's. Sebastian groans out loud. And to think, Sebastian tried splitting them apart so he could hook his wagon to that. No amount of tight ass is worth spending his afternoons singing kitschy duets and shopping for cardigans.
Now, Kurt on the other hand … he's surprisingly exciting, with his razor sharp wit and his lightning fast intelligence. Plus, he's super fun to annoy.
Or he used to be.
Kurt has become immune to him.
But this shopping excursion of the Wonder Twins has Sebastian pissed for one very specific reason – Sebastian had just managed to swipe Kurt's cell phone number, and a day later, Kurt loses his stupid phone. Sebastian was planning on having all sorts of fun with that, too – sending him random late night texts, pretending to be Blaine and give him what for so he could listen to them argue downstairs. But they'd inevitably figure it out and make up, which was something Sebastian definitely didn't need to be audience to.
Sebastian hears them leave, closing the door behind them in a flurry of excited conversation and overenthusiastic laughter, and he pulls a face. He takes his phone out of his pocket and pulls up Kurt's number. Damn, he thinks as he reads it over. An opportunity lost.
Oh, well. He has time to kill. He can still send some shit to Kurt's old number and pretend he's getting his goat, say the things that he had yet to say, the insults he'd shelved before their time.
It feels stupid, but he has nothing better to do.
To: Kurt
Good going, gay face! Can't hold on to a phone to save your life, can you? How do you think you're going to hold on to your boyfriend?
Sebastian snickers at his use of 'gay face' – bringing back an oldie but a goodie. But he sneers at the overall tone of the text.
"Jesus Christ," he mumbles, "I sound like my dad."
Without realizing it, he types those words in and sends them as a text. After he reads it back to himself, his cheeks start to burn.
To: Kurt
Yeah, yeah, okay. So I have daddy-issues. Not like you though, right? From what I hear, your father is Super Dad or something. Yeah, well, at least mine can run a mile without ending up in the hospital.
Sebastian tries to stop himself before he sends that one because he knows it's unforgivable, but he can't help himself. Even though he knows these texts are going to void, that's still not something he should have put in the atmosphere.
To: Kurt
Sorry about that. That wasn't fair. I'm sorry about your dad. I hope he's doing better.
An image pops into his head of Kurt's face if he ever sees that – an actual, genuine apology from Sebastian Smythe. Immediately, he feels the need to backpedal a teeny bit.
To: Kurt
Surprised that that's unlike me? Well, don't get used to it! This isn't an act, princess. I'm not a nice person.
Sebastian grimaces. For fuck's sake! Would it kill him not to be a dick for once?
The answer to that is yes. It probably would.
But Kurt deserves it because … well, because he's just so … he …
He laid claim to the finest piece of ass in Ohio, and he's unwilling to share.
Sebastian scowls at himself. He always seems to default to that, even after he's admitted how dull Captain Cardigan is. But it's easier than admitting other facts that he's recently had to accept.
That he's insecure.
That he's an over-privileged prick.
That, as smart and as talented as he is, he still uses his father's occupation for clout, which is the height of pathetic little boy hiding behind daddy's coattails.
Not like Kurt. Kurt is strong on his own two feet. He stands up for himself and his friends, no matter what the odds, without having to use his father as a threat. Which leads Sebastian to his last realization:
Kurt is out of his league.
He knows that because, recently, he'd found himself envying Blaine. Sebastian had never wanted to envy Blaine. He wanted to fuck Blaine a few times, but he didn't want to envy him. He didn't envy him his gel helmet hair, he didn't envy him his disastrous taste in clothing out of uniform, and he definitely didn't envy him his far too effeminate boyfriend.
Except he did. He did a lot. He envied Blaine having someone to hold at night. He envied Blaine having someone to kiss who knew how to kiss him back. He envied Blaine knowing that, no matter what, whatever time of day, there was someone close by who wanted him as much as he wanted them.
Sebastian wanted that, too, and for a short period of time, he tried to get that. He juggled several would-be candidates, but none of them lived up to his expectations.
They didn't live up to Kurt.
And that's when he came to another unexpected realization. It hit him out of the blue while he was masturbating, of all times, and a fantasy of Kurt - lying on the bed beside him, shirt off and arms outstretched, smiling with sex-messed hair – materialized in his head. It had pushed him over the edge towards one of the most mind-bending orgasms he'd ever experienced.
Kurt - happily joined to Prince Valium - deserved better than Blaine.
Because as much as Kurt loved his boyfriend, and as much as Blaine claimed he loved Kurt back, Blaine definitely loved himself more. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It doesn't make Blaine a bad person, per se.
But it does make him kind of selfish.
Not because he purposefully does things to de-rail Kurt's attempts at making a name for himself at Dalton, but because he doesn't go out of his way to rally in his favor. Sure Sebastian heard about the time Blaine requested to sing a duet with Kurt, but after that one moment of splitting the spotlight, it popped right back onto Blaine.
And that's where it stayed.
Solo after solo with The Warblers, the lead in Dalton's annual school musical (which, come on – an all-male version of Wicked begged for Kurt to play Elphaba, but no. That role went to Blaine, even though, later on, Blaine himself admitted it should have gone to Kurt. Kurt didn't even get the role of Glinda. It went to some pimply-faced sophomore whose balls hadn't dropped yet, and mostly because he's a Dalton legacy. Everyone felt that was unfair since Kurt lives in Glinda's vocal range, but Blaine – who might have had the pull to do something about it - didn't say boo), and even this year's talent show.
Kurt participated, but Blaine managed to talk Kurt out of the solo piece he'd been planning and shoehorned him into yet another duet – this time with Kurt singing the most repetitive (and boring) background part possible.
Sebastian knows that Kurt hated it, so why he went along with it, he has no idea.
Personally, Sebastian thought that Kurt's solo was pretty fantastic.
Sebastian looks at his blank compose message screen, waiting for him to write another scathing text, and wonders: What would happen if he owned up to all of that? Just told Kurt how he felt? They're supposed to (technically) be friends now. At least, not mortal enemies. People change, right? Is it so inconceivable, so completely unlikely, that he can change?
Probably. In Kurt's eyes, anyway.
He continues to ponder it, staring at his phone as if it may actually answer him. It doesn't, but he answers for himself.
To Kurt:
I know you hate me, and you have every right.
To Kurt:
I've never been nice to you.
To Kurt:
I've never liked you, to be honest. But while I'm being honest, I have to admit, that's more my fault than yours.
To Kurt:
Correction – it's all my fault. You didn't do anything. You had something I wanted, something I thought I deserved, and I did everything to take it from you.
To Kurt:
And for that, I'm really sorry.
To Kurt:
But while I'm being honest, there's something else I need to say.
Sebastian hesitates, but then he remembers Kurt is never going to see these messages, so he might as well go for broke.
To: Kurt
This may sound like a prick thing to say, but all I've said so far are prick things, so why should I stop now.
To: Kurt
I don't think you should be dating Blaine. There, I said it.
To: Kurt
Actually, I don't want you dating Blaine. I don't think he's good for you.
To: Kurt
He doesn't deserve you Kurt. I know that sounds cruel, and ridiculous coming from me, but he doesn't.
To: Kurt
You deserved the lead in the musical. Not him. You deserved every solo you auditioned for that the frickin' Warbler council handed him on a silver platter.
To: Kurt
You should have sung the song you wanted to in the talent show because you deserved your time to shine. But you gave it up for Blaine? Why? Why did you do that?
To: Kurt
Kurt, you deserve someone who cares more about who you are than what you can give them.
To: Kurt
You deserve someone who will fight for you, and not just when the battle is easy, like against a bully or something.
To: Kurt
You deserve someone who's willing to put you first, even if that means they come in last.
To: Kurt
Sometimes I think that I … I don't … I don't know what I think.
Sebastian looks at his phone after that last message. He takes in a breath and holds it. He has nothing to lose, he reminds himself. No one's going to see this message. This secret has been sitting inside him for so long. He has to let it go; even if it's to empty cyberspace, he has to give it up.
To Kurt:
Sometimes I wonder if I can be that guy.
To: Kurt
Which is to say … I would really like to try … if you'd give me the chance.
"Ugh!" Sebastian yells. "Jesus fucking Christ! Why!? Why did you text that? You pathetic loser!" He turns off his phone and sets it aside. He's done. That's all he had left to say. And now that it's out of his system he feels … nothing. He should feel lighter, more at ease with that off his chest. But, instead, he feels empty. Vacant. He sent all those messages, expressed all of those feelings, but they were just a sounding board. They disappeared into the ether, never to be retrieved (once Sebastian clears his message history), their intended recipient unaware of their existence. Oh well, goodbye and good riddance. What good would it have done if Kurt had read them anyway? What would that change except to make Sebastian seem like more of a loser than he already feels? Kurt would most likely ignore them, forget they ever happened, and go back to his life of avoiding Sebastian and singing back-up for the Creepy Crooner.
And that, more than his unread messages, leaves a dull, heavy ache in his chest.
Knock-knock-knock.
Those three sharp raps at his door startle Sebastian, get his heart thumping when it was on the verge of petrifying in his ribcage. "What the-?"
Knock-knock-knock.
Sebastian deliberates for only a second over who it could be, then he groans.
Jeff. He almost forgot. No, he did forget, and blissfully so. He doesn't want to deal with Jeff, not now. Because it won't be Jeff alone. It'll be Nick, too, because wherever Jeff goes, Nick goes.
Ugh …
Knock-knock-knock.
He considers not answering. He's not in the mood. He wasn't in the mood even before his text message venting started. But if he knows Jeff, and he unfortunately does, the boy won't go away until Sebastian answers. And if he blows him off, he'll just have to deal with him later.
He might as well get it over with. Then he can spend the rest of the day wallowing in self-pity and internal embarrassment, hit the hay early, and wake up in the morning his old bastard self again without anyone being the wiser.
"Come in," he grumbles, turning his back to the door so he doesn't have to see the grinning idiots at his doorstep. "Door's open. I'm not getting up for your sorry ass."
Sebastian hears the door open, but nothing else. Usually there would be non-stop chatter, even if Jeff were alone, but he/they are silent.
Which means they're probably making out.
God! That's worse!
Before he can complain about the two of them getting a room, he hears, "Sebastian?"
Sebastian's back goes rigid.
His limbs go cold.
The hairs on the back of his neck prickle.
It's Kurt's voice.
Why the hell would Kurt be here? It couldn't have anything to do with those messages. No way. It's a coincidence … though Sebastian can't remember Kurt ever coming up to his room before, not once since he returned to Dalton, not even to tell him off.
So, why today of all days? Why on the one day he bore his heart to him – or to his lost phone – through dozens of inane text messages?
Sebastian can't begin to guess. But once this does turn out to be one big, crazy coincidence, he's going to buy a shit ton of lottery tickets because fate is obviously working overtime.
"What do you want?" he snaps, turning to the boy darkening his doorway. Kurt doesn't respond, still like a statue, his eyes hard, holding a cell phone in his hand. Kurt's new phone, Sebastian thinks, rolling his eyes. But why would he come up to Sebastian's room to brag? Like Sebastian cares an inch about whatever K-Mart phone Kurt went out and bought for himself. Except it's not a new phone he's holding, and as Sebastian sits up on his bed, jaw slowly lowering like an elevator reaching the bottom floor, Kurt looks at Sebastian with a mixture of confusion, anger … and pity.
He takes a breath, his hand shaking as he shows Sebastian not the first message he sent, but the last, and Sebastian's heart finally stops.
"Is there something you wanted to talk about?"