I thought John Paul and Craig had some unfinished business...hope you like it.
CHAPTER ONE JOHN PAUL
"Just think, last time we were here, we were all excited about finishing our exams and going to Blackpool" I say, inclining my head towards Craig, trying to strike up some conversation...anything to break the nervous tension that seems to have descended on the entire room. He swallows and nods but it doesn't stop him looking like he's going to throw up at any moment.
I know exactly how he feels or at least, I know how I'm feeling and I can't imagine it's much different to him. Since coming home, things have been brilliant, well as good as can be expected anyway, seeing as we both went away single, as best mates and came back as a couple. Our families have been...well, mine's been great, treating Craig almost like a second son, inviting him into the family fold like he's one of us now and his has been...supportive, I guess. Let's just say that they've all adjusted in their own way and just seeing them trying has made things easier for Craig.
I think Frankie still sees it as a phase but she's shown no outward signs of contempt towards me and she's always polite and smiles and stuff so it's not so bad. Jack's been ace. He's taken the 'so long as you're happy son, that's all that matters to me' route, trying to arrange Craig's shifts so he's working when I am or giving him time off on the evenings he feels like joining me at The Loft. Steph's reaction was hilarious, she reckoned Craig always had a bit of gay in him and outright said so as soon as we got back to Hollyoaks and walked through the door. Of course Craig ignored that as best he could and told Steph to sod off in front of his mum when she asked if he wanted to go shopping at the Trafford Centre. That earned him a right talking to by his mum which left him red faced and embarrassed in front of me, something that put him in a really foul mood. I soon made him feel better though, once they'd buggered off downstairs and left us alone in the flat for half an hour. Unfortunately times like that...alone time, was even harder to come by than expected.
It wasn't so much that people were making an effort to keep us apart or anything, it's just...it's like we were a bit of a novelty. My sisters found it fascinating that I'd got myself a boyfriend, let alone that it was Craig so for a couple of weeks it was like we were under a microscope, no privacy what so ever and his place was just as bad. Now the cat was out of the bag and everyone knew, Darren had reverted back to his usual annoying self. If I didn't know him any better I'd think he was a closet gay because he seemed to take any and every opportunity to walk in on us when we were alone in Craig's bedroom...without knocking or sitting right between us on the settee, anything really that stopped us being intimate. We'd got to the point this last couple of weeks where we were literally checking everyone elses schedule before arranging to meet, just so we could get some alone time and even that just meant watching a bit of tv or having it out on the Playstation, anything that didn't involve us springing apart guiltily when someone walked in...which they inevitably would.
It's not like we're sex mad or anything either, we knew we wouldn't be able to sleep together all the time but...come on, three times in four weeks is taking the piss. Being in Blackpool, having our own place had spoiled us, we knew it had, we just hadn't expected everything to be so difficult. Craig's working those full time hours, sometimes in split shifts to cover the busy times of day and I've taken on extra work at The Loft, otherwise I end up spending half the money I'm earning propping up the bar at The Dog talking to Craig while he works. It's like we have this unspoken agreement that we'll both earn and save as much as possible so we can make those dreams we'd talked about our future a reality.
That's why I'm so nervous today. We haven't had a proper chat about our future since Blackpool, so the weight of results day has been hanging over our heads like a guillotine. But it's like we both know that what happens in this room in the next few minutes will shape the outcome of our lives together.
"Alright, fancy meeting you two here". I look up, smiling and leaning in for a two cheek kiss as Sarah bounds over wearing this ridiculous low cut top and dungarees ensemble that makes her look like one of those euro trash teens. "What's up with him?" she asks, giving a nod in Craig's direction when he fails to acknowledge her.
"Nothing, he's fine just...results, you know? He's got a lot riding on this". I feel Craig's fingers slip into mine and give me a squeeze, his way of thanking me for covering for him.
"Yeah well, thank God I've got that modeling contract eh? My dad'd kill me otherwise but he can't say anything now I'm paying my own way" she says grinning, the deep grooves of her dimples highlighting just how much she's enjoying what she's doing. She's been alright, Sarah. I know Craig was a bit wary of her reaction so. we'd decided we'd invite her out for a drink to break the news that her ex boyfriend was now seeing a guy. We hadn't got chance though as she'd caught us kissing round the side of The Dog the night we'd got back. To say the moment was awkward was an understatement but it was like water off a ducks back in the end. The biggest problem had been having to sit through hours of her stories about all the gay blokes she'd come across in the business and how, with Craig, she should've seen the signs. Honestly, watching his reaction, I thought his teeth might fall out he was clenching his jaw that hard.
"So have you decided what you're doing when Craig goes to Dublin then?" she asks with this really bad mock Irish accent. I hold my breath, my face flushing, feeling Craig tense beside me. This is what I mean about today. There's so much we've not spoken about, that we've put off taking about until today and now that it's here, I have this whole maelstrom of emotions raging through me. Fear, hope, anxiety, nervousness, anticipation...everything hinges on the white slip of paper inside the brown, manilla envelopes that Miss Cartwright has just brought into the room.
I'm saved from having to answer Sarah as students push past us to receive their results, the excitement in the room growing. I hold back, not in any particular hurry to see mine. I hope I've got good results but at the same time, I can't help thinking that the better they are, the harder things will be. I've been waiting for this day for weeks to be able to actually talk things through with Craig, been waiting to find out if my results are good or bad, if Craig's results are good or bad too because really, everything depends on them but now that time has come, I wish we could put it off a little longer.
Craig hasn't moved but I can feel his palm against mine, the slickness between our skin indicating to me that he's as nervous as I am.
"Oi! McDean, you're results are here" I look over, smiling at Nancy as she makes her way towards us, waving two unopened envelopes in the air. I guess there's no putting it off any longer. Craig shifts beside me and holds his hand out to take the envelope she proffers, thanking her, his voice quiet and soft. I take my own envelope, thanking her also and then smiling at Craig, waiting for her to walk away before saying anything.
"Good luck Craig". I can hear my voice wavering as I wish him luck, my heart absolutely hammering in my chest when he lifts his eyes to meet mine. He smiles wryly at me, the smile not quite reaching his eyes before they flick away and down as he pulls out the slip of paper. Leaning in close, my head bowed next to his I get this overwhelming feeling of euphoria when I see his grades.
"Three A's and a C, bloody hell Craig, that's fantastic" I shout, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him into a hug.
"Yeah thanks, it uh...it is" he smiles as he pulls back, though he doesn't look as thrilled as I expected him to be, the C he got, no doubt playing on his mind. "Let's uhm...let's have a look at yours then" he says, pointing at the envelope still clenched in my hand. My fingers are shaking as I tear into it, pulling out the white slip of paper. Taking a deep breath, I look at my grades, cold fingers of dread creeping over my flesh when I see what I've achieved. I look at Craig to see him frowning but it's soon replaced with a beaming smile when he turns to me.
"Three B's and an A John Paul, ...that's brilliant, your mum'll be dead proud" he says, smiling genuinely for the first time since we got here. "I'm really proud of you too" he whispers sincerely, dropping a light kiss into my neck. Honestly, I want to cry. I know my mum will be over the moon and I know that he's really pleased that all my hard work has paid off too but, as happy as I am that I've got good grades, I can't help dreading what this means for me and Craig.
"Let's go and celebrate yeah?" I nod my head, though I feel more like commiserating my good grades than celebrating them. My hand's still trembling as I tuck the slip of paper into my pocket and follow him outside, the brightness of the day not really doing anything to lighten my dour mood. We've barely set off in the direction of the pub when Hannah, Nancy and Sarah catch us up asking if we're going for a drink.
"We're just...um" I wave my hand in the direction of Craig's, not really sure what the plan is. He'd said...promised back in Blackpool that we'd talk after getting our results but I wasn't sure if he intended for that to happen immediately or if he wanted us to celebrate properly first.
"We're only having a quick one" Craig says, stepping in, "but you're welcome to join us, I'm sure Darren will let the first round be on the house" he says. Well, I guess that clears that up. He stops walking abruptly, Hannah almost going into the back of him. Then he turns his head to me, questioningly.
"We're only having one though right?" He's looking at me, eyebrows raised like he's wanting me to agree.
"Yeah, just the one because..." oh why didn't I just leave it at agreeing with him instead of adding because? Craig doesn't seem too concerned though.
"Because I've booked us a table at that little Italian in town and we've got things to discuss, haven't we JP?" He looks at me, waiting for confirmation.
"Yes...yeah we have" I breath, the relief I feel at him having addressed the issue of us talking apparent in my voice. I don't know anything about an Italian though.
"Right well, we'll just join you for one and then leave you to your...chat" says Sarah with a wink.
CRAIG
What the fuck are we going to do? I knew that this was going to happen but I've tried not to let myself think about it, have pushed it to the back of my mind since coming home from Blackpool but now there's no getting away from it any longer. We've got a decision to make and I'd like to say it's a hard one but really, it isn't. Not after seeing his results. I'm not going to pretend to myself that things wouldn't have been easier if his grades were crap or if my results hadn't turned out as well as expected, things would've been simpler. I can't pretend I'm not over the moon at the results we have both got though because we worked our asses off for them and as far as our careers and stuff go, the grades we got can only be a good thing. It doesn't stop me being gutted on the inside though, that our dreams are going to have to be put on hold for a while, at least, i think so.
As soon as we got back to Hollyoaks just over a month ago, the first thing I did, after facing a barrage of questions from my sister, was to sit down at the computer and find out everything I could about transferring Universities, deferring for a year, what courses were on offer at Trinity and which other colleges were nearby. I hadn't mentioned any of my findings to John Paul though because in truth, there was nothing much good to come out of them.
It was too late for John Paul to get into Trinity even if he wanted to and even if he could, the chances are his grades, as good as they are, wouldn't be enough to guarantee him a place. Not to mention tuition fees. There was a chance he could get into other colleges nearby but he'd have to wait for a place to become available. Me, I could take a year out, stay at home with John Paul while he completes a year at HCC but then I'd be a year behind and there was no definite from Trinity that they'd hold my place. So basically, when it comes to us being together, in the same place at the beginning of the school year, we're screwed.
I think he thought I'd forgotten the promise I made in Blackpool about us talking once we'd got our results, the truth was that I couldn't think of anything else. I'm sitting here now listening to Sarah talking about her next photo shoot somewhere in Liverpool and Hannah getting excited about moving into the halls at HCC and I can't help resenting them. Hate the fact that everything is so much easier for them. Cruel, I know, especially with how supportive they've been for me and John Paul but i can't help it.
John Paul catches my eye and gives me that smile that tells me he knows how hard this is now, listening to them chat away like it's just another day when in reality, for us, it's decision time.
"Listen, guys, I think I'm going to go up for a bit but I'll pay a round on with Darren alright, you have a good time" I say, getting up to leave. Sarah closes her mouth, an indication that I just rudely interrupted her mid sentence and Hannah looks at me wide eyed, like I just said something out of the ordinary. John Paul knocks back the rest of his pint and comes to stand beside me, saying goodbye to the girls. I smile and nod at them before heading off, leaving a few quid with Darren with the instruction to get the girls whatever else they wanted.
"My my, passing up the company of three, well, two gorgeous girls to spend time with your boyfriend, it must be lurve" he says, smirking.
"Fuck off Darren, let me know when mum's back yeah?"
"Course I will sunshine, we wouldn't want her walking ion on you and loverboy all naked would we". I roll my eyes and take John Paul's hand, leading him upstairs.
"He's a fucking wanker sometimes" I mutter once we're in the sanctuary of the flat. John Paul comes over and stands behind me, wrapping his arms around me, his chin resting on my shoulder.
"Hey, ignore him, he's just doing it because he knows it winds you up".
"Yeah well, it's fucking working" I say frustrated, shaking my head. I'm taking it out on the wrong person though. Turning in John Paul's embrace, i face him, resting my forehead against his. "I'm sorry, it's just..."
"He bugs you?" I laugh, understatement of the century that one.
"Yeah he does but I shouldn't be taking it out on you..." I say, caressing my fingers over his cheek, letting them linger there until he lifts his eyes to meet mine. "We need to talk" I tell him. He nods his head, tightening his arms around me for a second before letting go.
"I know" he whispers quietly. I take his hand and lead him over to the settee, offering him a brew first, which he declines. We sit down close to each other but not so close that we won't be able to keep our hands to ourselves because the last thing we need right now is to get distracted. I sit there for a minute or two, my knee drawn up almost touching his, hoping that he'll broach the subject first and I'll know what he's thinking, hoping but deep down i know he's waiting for the same from me, after all, it was me that didn't want to discuss it in Blackpool.
"I was half hoping I'd mess up again" I start quietly, shrugging my shoulder and smiling wryly when those gorgeous blue eyes meet mine. I can never get enough of them. It's been over a month we've been together now and yet everytime he looks right at me with those eyes, my breath catches a little.
"You can't mean that Craig, you've been working towards going to Dublin for two years now". I take his hand in mine, squeezing his fingers as I grasp them tightly.
"I do mean it...why's it all so fucked up eh? I mean...why couldn't we have just got together right at the beginning of the year instead of just before I'm supposed to go away?" I sound like a whiny bastard but it's true. It's just so bloody typical of my life.
"It wasn't meant to be like that Craig, maybe we were just meant to be friends first" he says helpfully but I can see in his eyes that he wishes this was easier too. It's not even been spoken of and yet I can sense he knows as well as I do where this is going.
"Yeah maybe...not that I regret that or anything" I hasten to add. I wouldn't have swapped those first few months getting to know John Paul for anything...except maybe this. "It's just...look, I want us to be together" I say quickly, realising my mistake when he starts smiling widely, his eyes lighting up. "Hang on...I mean, I do want us to be together but..." the smile drops from his face and it makes my heart ache that I've already hurt him and I've barely even said anything yet.
"Over my dead body".
"You've hardly been seeing each other a month!"
We both twist around, mouths open when we hear our mums voices, both voicing their opinions in their own very distinct way. Myra is her usual straight to the point self and my mum, well lets just say that her tone is raised an octave or two higher than usual. Darren comes in behind them grinning his head off.
"Your mum's here Craig" he says in a sing song voice. I shoot him a look that could kill which he just shrugs off, settling himself back against the kitchen counter as he flicks the kettle on. Mum turns to him, lips pursed, throwing him a withering look.
"Go and make yourself useful downstairs Darren".
"But I was just going to...okay okay, I'm going...you lot need to lighten up" he mutters as he steps outside, closing the door soundly behind him. I can feel John Paul looking at me and I don't even need to ask to know what he's thinking.
"I thought it might be nice to take our mums out to dinner, break the good news" I say quietly out of the corner of my mouth.
"Good news?"
"Our results?" It comes out as a question because really, it is. I mean, our results are good news but if they hadn't been then we'd still have had something to celebrate...in my eyes anyway.
"Right" he smiles, the expression disappearing off his face when my mum clears her throat, coming to stand before us with her arms crossed like she face a couple of naughty kids. Then Myra comes to stand next to her and i suddenly feel like I'm in front of the firing squad.
"So what? He's going to Dublin with you?" My mums first off the mark, never one to beat around the bush.
"I want him to".
"You do?" I turn to John Paul and smile, taking his hand, forgetting we aren't alone for a second.
"Yeah course I do but..."
"John Paul McQueen, you have not just spent the last year of your life studying as much as you have to chuck it all away to go swanning off to Dublin, I won't allow it".
"Mum!"
"No it's okay...Myra I..." God I've been told to call her Myra so many times over the last few weeks but when I see the look of disapproval my mum sends me I change it. "Sorry I mean Ms McQueen, I..."
"There's no way our John Paul is missing out on his education just because you want your boyfriend in Dublin, he's worked too hard for that" she says as huffily as I've ever seen her. It's funny I'm finally seeing her like this because in all the weeks we've been back, I've never seen this bulldog tenacity that John Paul's always referring to when he mentions his mum. She's got her arms crossed now and is looking at me like she's expecting a fight. Well she's not going to get one from me.
"I agree..." I get cut off straight away by my mum who, up until now, had remained oddly quiet. I can feel John Paul looking at me though.
"Well Craig's not giving up his place there just because John Paul's stopping in Chester." Nice mum, show us just how excited you are at the prospect of me and John Paul being miles apart.
"I don't wanna stop in Chester" John Paul pipes up as he jumps from the settee, his arms folded as he faces Myra contemptuously.
"Well you're not going all the way to Ireland either...you've no place there" she says taking a step forward. This is wrong, it's all wrong. Me and John Paul were supposed to have had chance to talk about this before speaking to our mums and getting them involved. That's why I set it up that we'd take them out for dinner tonight. Honestly, I could curse Darren right now, the bloody tosser.
"I'm old enough to..." I feel awful as I watch John Paul take another step closer, his whole demeanour oozing defiance. I stand up beside him, offering my sympathy as I place my hand on his arm. His eyes flick down briefly and he offers me a small smile of appreciation in return.
"Don't use that tone with me my lad, you've no place to go in Dublin, what're you thinking you'll do there eh?" I don't know how he does it but even with his mum up in his face like that, he doesn't back down.
"I don't care" he fires back recklessly, daring his mum to challenge him more.
"Well I do" I say quietly, the words I've been thinking for weeks slipping easily from my mouth to avoid any more confrontation between John Paul and his mum. "Your mum's right" I tell him earnestly as I turn to him. His arm slips from my grasp as he pulls away, his bottom lip quivering slightly as he looks at me. I swallow hard, licking my lips, determined to meet his gaze. His brow furrows and I see his eyes fill with tears as he looks back at me, tears he quickly dashes away before anyone but me can see them.
"I am?" My gaze flicks to Myra, reminding me there are other people in the room besides me and John Paul. I nod my head, my fingers finding my boyfriends as they wrap around his, holding them tightly when he tries to pull away. I look back at his mum, my gaze unwavering as she looks back questioningly. I clear my throat.
"I agree with you. I can't expect John Paul to just drop everything and come with me" I look back at him then, shaking my head, teats filling my own eyes. "It wouldn't be fair John Paul". I swallow hard, the tears spilling over when he lifts his hand to my cheek, the backs of his knuckles grazing lightly over the surface, his thumb skimming away the droplets as they leave tracks down my face.
"But I want to" he implores, his eyes begging me not to make this decision for him. I know he wants to, had kind of guesses back in Blackpool that he'd give everything up to come and join me in Dublin but I'm doing this for both of us. He might not think it now but I'm trying to do what's best for both of us for the long haul and if that means us being in a long distance relationship for the foreseeable future then I can handle that, we can handle that because we're strong enough.
"I know, and I want you to but your mum..."
"Myra" his mum interrupts, suddenly smiling at me. I wave my hand a bit dismissively, turning my attention back to John Paul.
"Yeah, Myra's right, you worked hard to get into uni. If I'd...we'd known sooner you could've applied to Trinity or one of the other college's in Dublin but we didn't so..." my voice trails off as he cuts in, the impulsive side of him jumping to the wrong conclusion at my words.
"So...What? What're you saying? That's it?" I'm shaking my head at him before he's even finished. Taking hold of his arms, I turn to face him, ignoring the other people in the room, my eyes locked on his...just his.
"No...no, we can make it work JP" I say vehemently. "Me and you, we're more solid than that, we'll work something out" I'm passionate about what I'm saying. I've had weeks of this uncertainty...knowing it might come to this, so I've already got ideas, started making plans in my head as to how we can make this work to our advantage. As far as I'm concerned, so long as our main goal is to make our relationship work, we can do this. He seems to take in what I'm saying, his gaze darting to the side away from mine as he thinks about what I'm saying.
Was this why he's been so quiet the last few weeks since returning home? Has he had it in his head that if I go to Dublin and he stays here then it's over? If that is what he's been thinking then it couldn't be more further than what I've been imagining, that's for sure. I see something change in his eyes, can see some of the negative thoughts he's been having leave when he adjusts himself, standing that little bit taller. His eyes flick to our mums before coming to settle back on mine, not exactly smiling but not quite so wary or filled with sadness as before.
"I don't know Craig, I want..." he shrugs and shakes his head, unable to finish the sentence. I pull him into a hug, feel his breath coating the skin of my neck when he buries his face against me, his hand coming to rest on my back tightening in the material of my grey polo shirt. Holding him close, I turn my head, whispering in his ear.
"I know, me too but at least this way you'll have no regrets eh?" he nods his head against me, his body shaking as he releases his pent up emotion. "And just think how great it'll be when we do get it sorted eh?" He lifts his eyes to mine, the ice blue depths of them glistening with tears.
"When?" he asks quietly. I nod my head, a wide smile appearing on my face to push away his uncertainty.
"Yes, when you idiot, you think I can live without your cups of tea for very long, you've got another thing coming". He smiles back then, eyes locked on mine, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. "Look John Paul, I love you and I really really want to be with you, live with you...everything and we will do...we will if it kills me but right now, until we can get things sorted, we need to do what's best for both of us, even if it doesn't feel like that." He nods his head, looking at me with eyes so filled with trust that I know I could never let him down...would never want to. "It's crap, I don't want to leave you and go there on my own...without you, any more than you want me to but I think it's for the best, just until were sorted."
"Okay...okay yes, we'll get it sorted and in the meantime, we make this work yeah?"
"Exactly...it's going to be fine JP, just wait and see." I pull him down onto the settee and give him another fierce hug, not wanting to let him go.
"He's got a bright head on his shoulders your lad".
"I know, he gets it from my side of the family."
Thanks for reading, comments and reviews most appreciated.