Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to Hollyoaks!
Summary: Short story on Brendan's feelings during Ste's comatose state.
Broken
He wonders what it would have been like to witness it, to see Steven flying through the air, his bones cracking, eyes closing with startling finality. His chest feels tight with the thought of it; the bile rising in his throat that Steven could be hurt in this way when it's the last thing he deserves.
He imagines him broken, except he doesn't really have to with him spread out in the hospital bed, helpless and unresponsive. They've finally been left alone and Brendan can only sit rigid, his hand clasped around Steven's. He wants to pour his own strength into him, wants to give himself to the heavens for Steven to survive this. He's tried, he's asked God and yet Steven remains the same. No change.
Is it his fault? Isn't everything? If only he'd told him sooner how he felt, maybe Steven wouldn't have been there. But is that right? Does he not love him? Has he given Brendan any reason to think the contrary? Gentle smiles and warm comfort are not love. It's friendly, impassive. But he doesn't think he imagined the glow to Steven's cheeks in his presence, the affectionate gaze. He wants so badly to believe in it but the cold metal around Steven's finger tells him otherwise.
He almost wants to leave; the knowledge that Steven is no longer his overwhelming and painful, an ache that will never abate. He wants to summon anger, to blame someone. But that isn't him anymore and he doesn't know how to react now. He smoothes his fingertips over Steven's hand and for a moment he imagines him awake, laughing like a donkey and giving Brendan hell. He wants it so badly it almost tears him apart. He'd take anything right now; anything to see Steven open his eyes and see him sitting there.
But is that right? That wasn't the deal he made. He promised to leave him alone and Brendan knows it'll all be for nothing if he doesn't follow through. Instead he gathers up his strength, wills himself to say goodbye. It's too painful to be so close and know it's all he'll ever get, all he deserves. Steven is lost to him now and perhaps that's a good thing. He'll never have to see that bitter disappointment in his eyes time and time again as Brendan lets him down. Except Brendan knows deep in his heart that he wouldn't this time and that's almost as unbearable to contemplate.
He stands and bends down to press his lips to Steven's forehead, making another silent prayer for him to wake up. He closes his eyes a moment but then he realises that he should savour each second and so he stares at Steven's face, memorising everything, except he already has and it makes it all the more difficult.
He steps away, back into the shadows where he belongs. He hopes he can glimpse Steven afterwards, unbroken and whole once more. He won't see Brendan, but Brendan knows he won't be able to stop himself from taking one last look. As though pulled forwards by sheer force of will, Brendan kisses him again, this time on the lips. They're still surprisingly warm and as soft as Brendan remembers.
He sweeps away without a second glance. He'll go to the church, the only place he truly feels some relief right now. He hopes one day that Steven will understand why he couldn't stay, but then he thinks why would he even give him a second thought now? His heart isn't consumed by Brendan anymore. That part of him is truly dead.
As the door clatters shut behind him and Steven is left alone, his hand now cold and unoccupied save Brendan's cross, a small whisper ripples through the room for no one to hear.
"Brendan…"