I dream every night.
I know, it's kind of a stupid statement. You're probably laughing at me, thinking, "Rose, everyone dreams." But I promise you, these are not like any dreams you've ever had.
They call me shadowkissed. I see dead people, as the cliché goes. I died once, but I came back. The experience marked me for life, allowing me to see dead souls. I'll admit, it is a bit disturbing. Slowly, I'm growing accustomed to it. But, truth be told, I doubt I'll ever truly be fine.
I've seen so many I care about. Lissa's family, the Dragomirs: they that had expected me to be their beloved daughter's guardian, something which I'm doubting I'll ever get the chance to be with each passing day. Mason, the boy who adored me, died for me, but whom I could never love that way. All of their faces blank, almost sad, have haunted me when I let my guard down. But I dealt with it. All of it. Sure, it messed me up pretty bad at first. I couldn't function. But I dealt with it. I can get through my days now.
You're wondering how any of this relates to my dreams, right?
Notice, I didn't say I could make it through the night.
People expected me to be strong, tough. As one of the few female guardians, I have to be strong. Not that I give a care what is expected, but I have my duties. That was my duty to Lissa… you taught me to honor it. I did as long as I could, but you saw what few could. I was not impenetrable. I could only last so long…
I couldn't (well, can't) sleep at night. Alone, I lost the cool together exterior people saw. Ever since…. it happened, I fall apart, seeing complete strangers pass through my mental guards that begin to flicker out of being. Though I've never seen one of these souls in my life, I know who they are in a way. And they, my waking dreams, if you will, affect me worse than any others. They're on parade before me, the lives that he's ended: dhampir, moroi, human, man, woman, child, and elderly. They look at me, knowing who I'm after. They know I an out to end the existence of he that took their lives away from them… took my life from me…. Though their eyes hold no blame, just the sadness of the newly dead, I know I am to blame for this. Every moment it takes to find, to kill… Another dies. These waking dreams, which are as far from dreams as one can possibly get, they are the testament, and how I know he goes on.
When sleep comes, it is no rest for me. Yep, poor Roza. Our memories haunt me then. Those which should be happy- stolen kisses, shared glances of denied passion, the night in cabin- no longer hold any joy. They hurt me, bringing the knowledge that there is a limit to the memories because you're gone now. There will be no new ones.
Worse yet us the flashbacks of that last night and the attack in the caves. We left you for dead. If only it had been entirely true.
I left school for you, after that. I left Lissa. People couldn't believe it; thought that I had been driven mad by my "mentor's" death. Few knew our truth, our understanding, our passion. Those who did still thought I was crazy.
I couldn't bear looking at Lissa when I left, but if she could only know and understand what I'd been going through. The sleeping and waking dreams started the very same night I knew for certain your fate. Also, I was feeling the tug, constantly. It wasn't the exact same as the nausea I felt for other strigoi, more like a ribbon tied around my heart. The ribbon would grew tighter the farther away he was, slowly strangling and mangling my heart. As masochistic as it sounds, I had to follow that tug for you. No matter the distance, I felt it. Somehow, I knew I'd feel it until death, his or mine.
I've chased him across Russia, the tug as my guide, carrying one of your old silver stakes. Your mother placed it in my hands after I'd made my first stop in Russia: your old home. She simply said, "Gain peace." I think she wasn't referring just to my own peace when she said that either.
Now that stake is grasper firmly in my hand. I'm fighting him; finally, knowing this will be our last. He and I are well-matched, just as you and I'd always been in our sparring. We move in a deadly dance underneath the dark Siberian night sky, He taunts me.
"Roza," he purrs, "Why must you always be so stubborn? Let's stop this foolishness. Come, be awakened. It'll be us again. Dimitri and Rose for eternity."
"Dimitri is dead," I spit back at him. "He had a soul and my heart. You have neither."
He laughs.
"Is dear Rose a romantic now?" he teases before lunging and tackling me to the ground.
He moves toward my neck as I gain a good grip on pure silver, preparing to plunge a stake through the place his heart should be. A speed test to the death.
It is over in a moment.
"Tonight, I enjoy a dreamless sleep for you, Dimitri."