Disclaimer: I don't own, nor claim to own anything to do with Spooks, that honour belongs to the people at Kudos and The BBC. I'm just borrowing a couple of their characters and playing around with them. I promise they'll be nice and clean when I give them back.
Spoiler Warning: If you've not seen episode 5.05 yet, you might want to watch it before you read this.
Bits and bobs: The line about the holiday is doing my head in. I know it isn't mine, but I can't think where the hell I've heard it before, whether it's from a song, a show, or another fic somewhere. So if you read this and it's yours, then I a) apologise for nicking it without permission and b) congratulate you on writing a line that's stuck so steadfast in my head! I just really liked the images and the feeling it produces. Anyway, enough rambling! Please review - I like reviews :D lol.
The life that could've been
There are three little words that I have desperately wanted him say to me for such a very long time and like a dream, here he is, infront of me, about to say them - and I have to stop him. It would be too hard now, now that I am going to have to leave him, knowing despite the tiniest spark of hope that screams otherwise, that I will never see him again. How can I listen to him tell me that he loves me, when all I would want to do from this day on is hear him say it again and again, every single day? I couldn't have those words rebounding around my brain, fearing every day they are going to lose meaning, worry I'd slowly begin to forget how they sounded when he said them, what his eyes were saying to me as he told me. I just couldn't risk having words so special lost into eternity, slowly driving me insane because I long to hear them afresh. I know he means what he is about to say, so I ask him not to say anything.
Instead, I put my hands up to his cheeks and I tell him that I know what he was about to say, and to please leave it. Leave it as something that was never said. Something wonderful. His lips are soft against my own and my heart feels as though it has exploded into a million pieces. It's like I've come home from a long lovely holiday, only to find that I'd been there all along. My skin tingles and no matter what happens to me now, no matter how dangerous or terrifying, no matter how many lies I tell or how many people I deceive, I will know that I was, for one brief moment, cocooned in a protective bubble of blinding honesty. Because this is what it feels like to be real, to be true. I feel his warm breath against my cheek as he gives a sigh. It's enough but it isn't enough, I know. I want to kiss him forever, but I can't. The second that I step away from him, I instantly feel lost and vulnerable without his body against mine. Much as I desperately want to stay, I force my feet to move and board the boat that is taking me towards my new life. I can't help but look over my shoulder at the life that could've been if only I'd taken the chances that were given to me. Little shared glances, brushing of fingertips, late night phone calls, easy conversation over dinner and talk of future journeys. It could've been mine. Ours. My heart breaks at the pain in his eyes.
There are three little words that I have desperately wanted to say to him ever since.
I'm sorry, Harry.
End