Incompetence is Bliss
Chapter 1- Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey
Hazelnut Edowara had come to the conclusion that her life was ruled by the number three.
For starters, she had lost a fight only three times in her entire life.
Her sister had been born three months after Hazelnut turned three.
There had only been three people in her life who she'd ever had any respect for. The first was, of course, the infamous Red Butterfly. The second was one of her teachers in middle school.
The third was him.
Naturally, it had been three years ago when she had last seen him.
She had been only thirteen.
And, as if the accursed number couldn't leave her alone, three small triangles had appeared on her shin, looking for all the world like three small bear's claws.
She had no idea how they'd gotten there. Since she'd been the leader of a gang for three years, she knew all about tattoos, and even had some of her own.
These were not tattoos.
"Look, there's the new onee-chan!" squealed a voice in the darkness.
Hazelnut looked up. "Not them again," she thought. This group of girls had been "secretly" following her around all day. But Hazelnut would have to have been walking around with her eyes shut and her fingers stuffed in her ears not to notice them. Especially the green one; she was an accident waiting to happen.
The exited middle school girl who had spoken had a hand clamped over her mouth by the older red haired girl. The redhead, who seemed to be the leader, finally strode over to Hazelnut.
"Ah…Hello," she said, with a smile barely disguising her obvious fear of the tougher girl.
Hazelnut gave her the tiniest of glances. "Hey."
The girl just stood there, bemused.
"Listen, if you want me to join your gang, I'm not interested."
The redhead still looked confused. "Oh, no, we're not a gang; we're just a group of friends." She started talking very quickly. "Hi, my name's Ichigo and these are my friends, Lettuce, Mint, Pudding, and Zakuro."
Hazelnut raised an eyebrow. This girl seemed psychotic. But, on the other hand, the ex-gangster's unnerving appearance had this effect on a lot of people.
She was tall, sixteen, and had fiery orange hair with the bangs dyed a bright yellow. Even her posture hadn't quite lost the slouch of her gangster days. But it was her eyes that really completed the look. They were an odd honey color and would have been large and alluring if they had not been fixed with a permanent glare that told all passerby that this was not someone to be trifled with.
Ichigo shifted nervously. She seemed to have something she desperately wanted to tell Hazelnut, but she was having lots of trouble getting it out.
The little blond, however, wasn't shy at all. "What animal are you, onee-chan?"
Hazelnut had no idea what the little blonde was talking about. "Well, my zodiac animal is the tiger."
"No, no the animal inside you! Pudding is a lion!"
Hazelnut blinked. Something about this sounded very familiar…
Three years ago
"Listen." Akasaka-san had the air of discovery about him. "I've come up with an infusion of Red List Animal genes. Grizzly bear, to be exact. This serum, when injected into someone of the right genotype, should give them superpowers enough to battle the aliens that threaten our environment."
"Cool." Hazelnut was always impressed with the genius of her experimental biologist boss.
"Edowara-san, neither Ryou nor I has the proper genotype. But you do."
"You're going to make me a superhero?!" She grinned widely. "That's awesome."
"Before you agree to anything," cautioned the scientist. "I want you to be fully aware of the risks. This is only a prototype, and we have no idea what the side effects might be. They could range from you growing an extra head to absolutely nothing happening at all."
She scoffed. "Anything to further the cause of science, Akasaka-san."
"Are you absolutely sure?"
"What have I got to lose? Come on, I want to be useful."
He picked up the syringe.
"There's still time to change your mind."
"No way. Inject me!"
He put it to her neck, hesitated, then pulled the trigger.
Hazelnut felt the injection enter her bloodstream. Immediately, a cloud of wooziness clogged her mind. She sank to her knees.
"Edowara-san! Are you okay?"
She smiled up at him. "Never better."
He helped her to her feet. "Do you feel any different?"
She frowned thoughtfully. "Not really."
He pulled out a little gold pendant. "Here, hold this; does it give you any strange internal feelings?"
She shook her head. "...Nothing. Sorry."
"Hmm. I guess I made the dosage too low. Sorry for putting you through that."
She gave him a mock bow. "Not at all. Glad to be of service."
"Hold it," Hazelnut said to Ichigo. "This wouldn't have anything to do with the Mew Project, would it?"
Ichigo looked surprised. "You already know about the Mew Project?"
"Ichigo-san, I've probably known about it way longer than you have."
Before Ichigo had a chance to question her further, an interruption appeared in the form of a trio of aliens.
"Looks like they got to her first," the lead alien remarked to his comrades.
Ichigo and crew recognized them at once.
" Kish!" Ichigo fumed. "What are you doing here?"
"Just wanted to see you, honey. That and we were going to destroy Orangey here…" He gestured to Hazelnut. "But I suppose we'll just have to kill you all."
"Orangey? How original. What did I ever do to you, you big, ugly slimeball?" retorted Hazelnut, taking a fighting stance. She had no idea what these guys wanted with her, but she was always ready for a fight, regardless of whether or not it was against some freakish aliens.
"Mew Mew METAMORPHO-SIS!"
Before Hazelnut had a chance to do anything, the Mew Mews sprang into action.
"Ribbon Mint Echo!"
"Ribbon Lettuce Rush!"
"Ribbon Zakuro's Pure!"
Hazelnut was completely distracted. Magic? That was rather showy. Still, having led a gang for three years, Hazelnut knew full well that appearances counted for squat when you were trying to beat someone to a bloody pulp. Plus, it appeared as though the aliens had seen it all before. They easily deflected the attacks and countered twice as powerfully with their own.
While the orange haired girl was lost in thought, a fluffy little pink robot spat a gold pendant at her feet.
"What's this for?" she asked suspiciously.
"Hazelnut must fight! Hazelnut must fight!" it squeaked.
Hazelnut picked up the little gold trinket. Like an epiphany, the right words flashed into her mind.
"Mew Mew Hazelnut METAMORPHO-SIS!" she cried.
There was a flash of light, and the girl felt her body transform.
She surveyed her new self. Razor sharp claws had grown six inches out from her knuckles. Also, something else had grown on her head. Tentatively, she placed her hands on her scalp.
She let out a low whistle. "Ears. Bear ears."
The sounds of battle reminded her of what was going on. "Oh, right. Time to put these to good use." She tensed for attack.
With newfound agility, she raced to within three feet of the alien Ichigo had addressed as Kish.
"Take this, alien scum! Ribbon Hazelnut Slash!"
Razor edged whorls of wind shot out from her fists, catching Kish and his comrades off guard.
The little blond girl who had first noticed Hazelnut took advantage of the opening. "Ribbon Puddingring Inferno!"
Hazelnut could barely contain her laughter when the aliens were encased in a giant pudding. Maybe magic could be useful.
Now Ichigo came forward to finish the thing.
"Ribbon Strawberry Surprise!"
A plethora of multicolored bubbles shattered the pudding, briefly wiping the smirk off Kish's face as he floated back to his own dimension.
"See you again, Koneko-chan!" he called to Ichigo.
"Don't ever come back!" she retorted angrily.
Pudding happily scampered over to Hazelnut.
"To answer your earlier question, Pudding-chan, I'm a bear. And I think you're a monkey," she said, ruffling the younger girl's hair.
Pudding shook her head. "Don't be silly, onee-chan, Pudding is definitely a lion, na no da!"
Hazelnut shrugged and turned her attention to the rest of the motley crew. "So, you're the result of the Mew Project, eh?"
"Ano…why don't you come with us to Café Mew Mew," said Ichigo.
"We'll fill you in on the way." Zakuro added, surprising everyone by actually talking.
"So, Akasaka-san finally opened up a café, huh? His chocolate cake was always the best…" Hazelnut's eyes misted over as she reminisced.
"Ah, Hazelnut-san, you never told us how you know Shirogane and Akasaka-san." Ichigo had gotten over her fear of the ex-gangster after she found out that Hazelnut kept two cats at home.
"Hmm? Oh, I used to work for them. I think I was the only assistant they ever had. He's a tough boss, that one."
"Tell me about it, Shirogane-san is such a baka sometimes."
Hazelnut raised an eyebrow. "Actually, I was talking about Akasaka-san."
Ichigo wasn't sure how to respond to that. Akasaka seemed like a nice enough guy.
Hazelnut ignored her lack of response. "Wait, don't tell me you're working for them, too."
Ichigo nodded. "We're all waitresses at the café. You'll probably have to become one too, since you're a Mew Mew."
Hazelnut shrugged. "I'll be all right, as long as I don't have to wear a frilly uniform or anything."
Ichigo sweatdropped. "Well…"
She was spared having to answer by the arrival of the two owners of Café Mew Mew.
A spasm of emotion lit up Hazelnut's features when she saw Ryou. She quickly got it under control.
"Hey, Ryou, long time, no see."
The blonde boy stared at Hazelnut for a few seconds, then abruptly turned and stalked out of the room.
Yeah, I know it's a little stereotypical. But you really can't pair Ryou with anyone in the anime. Lettuce is too good for him and, for goodness' sake, I like Ichigo and Masaya. The guy's freaking perfect, even if he is a freaking tree-hugg...I mean, environmentalist.
If you're still reading, here's a fun fact for you: The title for this chapter came from a Beatles' song!
Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo Mew Mew. If I did, I wouldn't have let 4Kids get their grubby little hands on it. And I would have made Pudding's color more consistent. I mean, come on. Her café uniform is orange, but her Mew outfit is yellow. How am I supposed to decide the colors for an original character when the animators can't even decide the colors for one of the canon characters? So, in case you were wondering, that's why Hazelnut is a bit of yellow and orange.
Is Hazelnut's character confusing? She's actually a very confusing person. I just imagined the seemingly paradoxical image of an incompetent gangster for her, and well, this is what spawns. Her life really is ruled by the number three though.
I apologize if I've misrepresented Japanese gangs in any way, shape, or form; I learned everything I know about them from reading Fruits Basket, if any of you caught the tiny reference at the beginning there.
Whew, sorry, I like to ramble. You can pretty much ignore all the author's notes if you want. I don't mind.