I close my eyes and let the songs lyrics sway me like a sweet lullaby. I breath realizing there's nothing to inhale. I'm scared. My mind screams, "Open your eyes!". My heart screams, "Let the darkness consume you! No more hurting. Isn't that what you crave?". I nod. Then the song stops. The oxygen is back. I open my eyes. Then the bloody blade falls.
I close my journal. Then walk across the room, where I grab the blade from my dresser. I inhale deeply, then cut the tender skin on on my wrist. I cut for a few seconds, then when I exhale the cutting stops. The voices are gone. The blade falls from my hand and the warm blood starts to snake down my wrist like a river. I began to cry. My cries can never go higher than a whisper. I won't allow them to! I have to oppress all my feelings so I won't become a burden. I wipe away the salty tears that stain my face and pick up the blade. I walk to the bathroom, wash the blade off, and clean my wrist up and bandage it. I return the blade to it's usual spot on my dresser. I crawl into bed and put my headphones in and allow my mind to escape this reality. Life was never easy for me and it won't get better.
Here I am again. I'm the new student AGAIN. This time it's permanent, I'm officially a sophomore at Hetalia High School. I recently transferred from my previous school because the bullying was getting out of control. Mom moved us because she found better work here, and she had to acknowledge the fact that it's not easy to raise a 16 year old teenage girl. Even though she hardly acknowledges the fact we live together, I see the look of disappoint in her eyes every day and it haunts me. I try to stay out of her way, I'm a disappointment I know it and I hate myself for it. So, I shouldn't worry Mother. So, I'm speed walking down Hetalia halls trying, my damn near hardest, to find my Geometry class. Which I wouldn't mind skipping. I mean no one would notice, not Mom or Dad, and I don't have any friends. But my better judgement wouldn't let me. I'm already a bother to everyone, God I want to disappear. After 5 minutes of looking for my class I finally found it. I look down at my crumpled up schedule to clarify, C345 Geometry with Mrs. Kingston. Yes this is it, I take a deep breath, exhale, then open the door. I walk in then I instantly regret it.
I just stood there, I hadn't planned out what to do after that. Everyone stared at me as if expecting me to say something, but I was clueless. Even though I've transferred from many different schools I never knew how to handle the first class of the day. Thank God the teacher was there to end the awkward moment of silence that hung stiff in the room.
" You must be Y/N. Welcome to Hetalia High and to our classroom. We were expecting you, why don't you start with a short introduction and we can get you settled in", said Mrs. Kingston.
" R-right. W-well my name is Y/N. I love to write, sing, and play sports. I also have a passion for reading and learning about different cultures, but I mainly just like to learn their languages. Ummm… So yeah, I think I've covered everything." I flash a polite smile and then turn back to Mrs. Kingston who gave me directions to sit next to someone name Ludwig.
" Y/N why don't you sit next to Ludwig. Ludwig raise your hand please." A muscular blonde with blue eyes raised his hand.
I hung my head down and hurried along to the seat next to him and Mrs. Kingston continued the lesson. I could feel the guy staring at me with a distant interest, honestly, I had the slightest idea why. My hair is short and black with purple and blue highlights and my bangs are outgrown and cover my eyes so I constantly blow them out of my face. My body lacks the curvy figure of the other girls, in contrast I'm very skinny with small boobs. I have E/C eyes, puffy swollen lips from my constant bitting of them, and a perfect set of teeth. When I decide to sneak a look at him through my bangs, he's focusing on the notes on the board. His hair was a golden blond and his eyes were as blue as a sea. His skin was a rich creamy color and riddled with muscles. H-he looked gorgeous. He must have felt me admiring him because he gave me a soft smile, then the bell rang. He stood up gathered his books and neatly put them in his bag, then turned to me.
" Your name iz Y/N, ja?" His voice was littered with the thick accent of a German. I fell in love instantly.
" Y-yeah L-Ludwig t-that's m-my name."Jesh I was a stuttering mess. I wanted to disappear. I was blushing shades of red I'm sure. He'll probably hate me. I was bitting my lip so hard I tasted blood. Here comes the stay the fuck away from me warning.
" Vell if you need any help vith anything, I'm happy to help. I'm pretty sure it's hard coming to a zchool right in the middle of the zchool year. Vhat's your next class?"
" I-it's study hall." I let my bangs conceal my surprised face as I looked down at my schedule.
"I'll valk you there, it can be pretty hard to figure your vay around thiz zchool." There was something about his voice that made me want to follow him to the end of the earth.
I gently nodded my head and he grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder leading the way. I quickly gathered my things and grabbed hold of the strap of his backpack, things felt better that way. We walked down the halls like. My bangs covering my flushed face and him strongly leading the way to my study hall.
Life continued that way through periods 1 through 4, but now it was 5 period lunch and Ludwig had told me to wait for him by the cafeteria doors and we can eat lunch together. I was extremely nervous. What if Ludwig's friends didn't like me, and he didn't want to be my friend anymore. He was my only friend so far and I haven't even told him about my self harm and eating disorder. All my other friends run away when I tell them that because they think I'm a freak and a psycho. You are though Y/N. Can't you tell? Your teammates ignored you when you needed them and your writing creeps people out. Well, how could my team ignore me when I never asked for help baka. A silent cry for help doesn't count and I got through that quite alright. Then, if you're so alright why do you continue to cut yourself? Can't you see you don't need friends, friends hurt you. You have me and that's all you need. YOU'RE JUST MY BULLSHIT CONSCIENCE TALKING NONSENSE. Please go away.
The tears welled up in my eyes and then I remember where I am. No, use in crying here Ludwig will be here any minute and I don't want to trouble him with my pathetic crying. I wipe the tears from my eyes with my sweater and continue waiting until Ludwig shows up. I know he will, I haven't given him a reason to hate me yet.
After 2 minutes of waiting Ludwig shows up walking in a very hurriedly fashion.
He must have just come from gym 4th period because he looked sweaty and as though he'd rush to put his clothes on because he'd missed a few buttons on his shirt. I had a strange urge to walk up to him and rebutton his shirt correctly, but my mind wouldn't let me. He doesn't want to be touched by you.
" L-Ludwig, your s-shirt isn't buttoned correctly." My voice hardly came higher than my loudest whisper.
"Ja I know. I rushed to put it on zo you wouldn't think I ztood you up." He started to rebutton his shirt.
I let the words hang in the air as I watched him unbutton then rebuttoned his shirt correctly. When he unbuttoned his shirt I could see his abdominals and they were very muscular and well shaped. when he finished he looked up and said," You're ready to eat because I'm ztarving." Ha! He's starving well you been starving yourself since middle school. I flashed him a polite smile, " Y-yeah, lets go eat."
when we walked into the cafeteria Ludwig lead the way to a table near the back of the cafeteria by a window that reflected the sun's rays. I held on to Ludwig's backpack strap for dear life and I started to bite my lip so hard, a little river of blood started flowing into my mouth. Fucking vampire. Once we finally got to the table all eyes were on us and I cowered behind Ludwig's broad shoulders.
" Bruther, who's the girl hiding behind you like a kicked puppy? I know I'm awesome, but there's no need to hide from it." This boy's accent was similar to Ludwig's, but it was much more arrogant. Wait did he just call you a kicked puppy? THAT¨S HILARIOUS!
"Gilbert zhut the hell up, zhe'z a new ztudent zo be nice!" This accent got much more thicker, the more angrier he got.
" Whatever thiz iz zo unawezome, for the awezome me. Don't forget Ludwig I am ztill your older brother, zhow the awesome me zome respect."
" Mis amigos there is no need to argue. Especially when there's a lady around." He spoke in a spanish accent just like my mom.
" No, It's fine my mom and dad argue around me all the times. Well, they have me argue to each other for them. My mom is Spanish and my dad is Polish and when they get angry they argue in their native language it confuses me a lot. I feel like a personal translator between the two of them sometimes."
EVERYONE LOOKED AT ME.
" ¿ Tú hablas español?" asked the boy with the Spanish accent.
" Sí, hablo español. ¿Cómo te llamas?" I asked slightly revealing my spanish accent.
"Me llamo Antonio."
" Sorry to like interrupt this like lovely conversation, but like did you say like your dad speaks like Polish?
"Tak, mój tata mówi po polsku." Now I was speaking Polish.
" OMG. your so fluent in the language. Like your my new like best friend forever. Toris we should hang out with her more."
" Yes, Feliks we should." Toris said gently admiring him.
" Ja, ja,ja we came here to eat and I'm ztarving, zo Y/N let's go get lunch." Ludwig spoke up for the first time since I started talking.
" O-okay s-sure." There goes that "I'm starving" crap again that inconsiderate bastard. Leave him alone and go away.
Just as we turn to leave heading toward the lunch line, I'm hit in the back of the head. HARD! All I can see are spots clouding my vision as I tumble forward.
"You dumb American twit get away from me!"
"Arthur dude! You totally just nailed the new girl in the back of the head with your book." The American laughed obnoxiously.
"Arthur! You and Alfred owe Y/N an apology." Ludwig glared at them expectantly.
"No, it's fine I should have wat-" everything went black and I collapse.
See I told you, you don't need friends. They always hurt you. Ludwig IS my friend, NOT Alfred and Arthur! I bet he wanted to laugh everyone was laughing. Mocking the ugly skinny girl with no friends! Die already you make me and everyone sick! Mom and Dad left because of your crap! No they didn't... Mom and dad love me. Right? Ha ha ha whatever. If they love you why aren't they with you together in the same house laughing and cherishing you? They aren't together because of me.