FIC: THE RETURN OF THE BLEACHED BLOND WONDER BOY - or how Mutant Enemy and
the writers missed what was obvious to anyone else.
Author: Jill
Disclaimer: nope, not mine - not that I would want them in the first place
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: B/S (No, I'm not gone mad. But ME and the writers have - so there)
Category: Humor
Spoilers: Everything up to the end of Season Sux
Timeline: Some weeks after the end of Season Sux (nope this is NOT a typo)
Dedication: To the great friends at anti-Buffy-Spike, and at the
Babbleboard, for helping me to keep my sanity.
SCENE 1: Buffy's house Giles and Xander sit on the sofa. Willow is standing in the doorway.
XANDER (flipping through a magazine, munching on a bag of Oreos simultaneously): So, Buffy still out or what?
Giles doesn't even bother to look up from the book he's reading.
WILLOW (shrugs): How should I know. She's out Slaying I suppose. That's got nothing to do with Magick. It's all I'm interested in. It defines me. It's what I eat, breathe, and see.
XANDER (frowns at her, then turns his head to Giles): Where is your Slayer?
Before the Watcher can react, Dawn enters the living room. Her hair is a lot shorter than before, and she wears jeans, a black sweater and boots.
DAWN: I'm here, who needs a Slayer anyway. I saved the world.
WILLOW (huffs): You wish. Don't forget I almost destroyed it. (sighs) Ah. Black Magick.
Giles looks up from his book and frowns at her, then continues reading.
XANDER (stuffing another cookie in his mouth): I have the feeling someone's missing.
WILLOW (scratches her head): Who are you talking about? We're all here.
XANDER (looks at Giles): Are we missing someone?
GILES (without looking up): Don't ask me. I'm only a bookish Watcher without a life. Reading is my only passion. And yeah, knowing things about demons. Not that anyone asks me these days.
XANDER (nods gravely): So, where is the Slayer?
*******
SCENE 2: Graveyard
Buffy walks between graves, holding a stake in one hand, looking bored. She stops at a fresh one.
BUFFY (in a bored voice): Come on. (sighs) Rise and shine. Come to the nice little Slayer.
Nothing happens. The earth doesn't move. Buffy sighs again. Suddenly we hear a noise. She whirls around to a group of trees in her back, but when she can't see anything, she shrugs and turns back to the grave. Nothing happened there in the meantime. Suddenly the noise is there again.
BUFFY (this time not turning around): Look, if you came to scare me, save it. I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Nothing scares me.
Only silence answers.
BUFFY (sighs loudly): This job sucks.
VOICEOVER: Tell me about it.
BUFFY (whirls around, her eyes wide): Spike?
SPIKE (appears from behind the trees): Hello, Buffy.
Buffy doesn't seem to know what to say. Spike on the other hand seems to know exactly what he wants. He steps closer to her.
SPIKE (smiles): I'm back. I got myself a soul, just for you. So you can finally love me.
BUFFY (tears welling up in her eyes): Oh, Spike! Just for me!
SPIKE (nods): Just for you.
BUFFY (beams and runs to him): Oh, Spike. You came back. And I always loved you. I just pretended not to care for you. You didn't really leave me!
SPIKE (closing his arms around her): No, I didn't. How could I leave you.
BUFFY (snuggles to him): Spike, my hero. I missed you. I love you.
SPIKE (suddenly smirking evilly, but Buffy can't see it): I missed you too, Slayer.
*****
SCENE 3 - Buffy's house (1 hour later)
The door opens, Buffy enters with Spike behind her. She looks dishevelled (3 guesses what they've been doing), and is beaming like a kid beneath a Christmas Tree.
BUFFY: Look who came back.
WILLOW (raising a brow): Spike. Sorry, I can't stay, I need to read my new white Magick. (leaves)
GILES (frowns, but continues reading): He should not be here, Buffy.
XANDER (looks upset): Giles is right. What is he doing here? He tried to rape you.
GILES (looks up): What?
DAWN (sitting on the loveseat): Xander and Spike are right. He should go.
BUFFY (looking upset, too): But I love him. I need him. He got himself a soul just for me. And besides, he never tried to rape me. I was the one treating him badly. How should he know that no meant no this time. I upset him by not loving him back. I was a very bad girl. (turns and lovingly touches his cheek with her palm)
XANDER (shakes his head): You should have your head examined. And just for the record. You say he has a soul. So, where is the doom and gloom. I mean, Angel always has this kicked puppy expression. It's entirely missing. What do you think, Giles?
GILES (looking angry): Buffy, this is insane. Send him away. Maybe you are brainwashed. This is Spike. Soul or no, he is still a vampire. At least Angel had the sense to leave, because he loved you and saw that he was no good for you.
BUFFY (pouting): No. I told you. I love him. Either you accept him or you can all go. Spike is the center of my world now.
Giles, Dawn, and Xander look upset. Then Xander looks horrified, when Spike walks over to him and buries his teeth in Dawn's neck. The girl shrieks in horror, but the sounds quickly die away.
XANDER (terrified): Buffy, do something! She is your sister. He is killing her.
BUFFY (sighs): I can't. I love him.
Giles jumps up and tries to pull Spike away from Dawn, but the vampire grabs his neck and snaps it.
*****
SCENE 4 - Buffy's house (half an hour later)
We see Spike sitting in a corner, his whole face bloody. He is licking his fingers and his eyes close with pleasure.
SPIKE (sighing): Nothing can come close to the taste of fresh human blood.
View on Buffy's family and friends friends. They're all lying on the ground, puncture wounds in their necks. All are dead.
View back on Spike whose eyes open and he shakes his head with a little smirk.
SPIKE: Humans. Just too gullible for their own good.
Spike gets up and with a last look around leaves the house. As he closes the door, a smile plays around his lips.
Voiceover of Spike in the darkness while we see Buffy's dead body in the corner.
SPIKE: Gotcha.
FADE OUT.
SCENE 1: Buffy's house Giles and Xander sit on the sofa. Willow is standing in the doorway.
XANDER (flipping through a magazine, munching on a bag of Oreos simultaneously): So, Buffy still out or what?
Giles doesn't even bother to look up from the book he's reading.
WILLOW (shrugs): How should I know. She's out Slaying I suppose. That's got nothing to do with Magick. It's all I'm interested in. It defines me. It's what I eat, breathe, and see.
XANDER (frowns at her, then turns his head to Giles): Where is your Slayer?
Before the Watcher can react, Dawn enters the living room. Her hair is a lot shorter than before, and she wears jeans, a black sweater and boots.
DAWN: I'm here, who needs a Slayer anyway. I saved the world.
WILLOW (huffs): You wish. Don't forget I almost destroyed it. (sighs) Ah. Black Magick.
Giles looks up from his book and frowns at her, then continues reading.
XANDER (stuffing another cookie in his mouth): I have the feeling someone's missing.
WILLOW (scratches her head): Who are you talking about? We're all here.
XANDER (looks at Giles): Are we missing someone?
GILES (without looking up): Don't ask me. I'm only a bookish Watcher without a life. Reading is my only passion. And yeah, knowing things about demons. Not that anyone asks me these days.
XANDER (nods gravely): So, where is the Slayer?
*******
SCENE 2: Graveyard
Buffy walks between graves, holding a stake in one hand, looking bored. She stops at a fresh one.
BUFFY (in a bored voice): Come on. (sighs) Rise and shine. Come to the nice little Slayer.
Nothing happens. The earth doesn't move. Buffy sighs again. Suddenly we hear a noise. She whirls around to a group of trees in her back, but when she can't see anything, she shrugs and turns back to the grave. Nothing happened there in the meantime. Suddenly the noise is there again.
BUFFY (this time not turning around): Look, if you came to scare me, save it. I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Nothing scares me.
Only silence answers.
BUFFY (sighs loudly): This job sucks.
VOICEOVER: Tell me about it.
BUFFY (whirls around, her eyes wide): Spike?
SPIKE (appears from behind the trees): Hello, Buffy.
Buffy doesn't seem to know what to say. Spike on the other hand seems to know exactly what he wants. He steps closer to her.
SPIKE (smiles): I'm back. I got myself a soul, just for you. So you can finally love me.
BUFFY (tears welling up in her eyes): Oh, Spike! Just for me!
SPIKE (nods): Just for you.
BUFFY (beams and runs to him): Oh, Spike. You came back. And I always loved you. I just pretended not to care for you. You didn't really leave me!
SPIKE (closing his arms around her): No, I didn't. How could I leave you.
BUFFY (snuggles to him): Spike, my hero. I missed you. I love you.
SPIKE (suddenly smirking evilly, but Buffy can't see it): I missed you too, Slayer.
*****
SCENE 3 - Buffy's house (1 hour later)
The door opens, Buffy enters with Spike behind her. She looks dishevelled (3 guesses what they've been doing), and is beaming like a kid beneath a Christmas Tree.
BUFFY: Look who came back.
WILLOW (raising a brow): Spike. Sorry, I can't stay, I need to read my new white Magick. (leaves)
GILES (frowns, but continues reading): He should not be here, Buffy.
XANDER (looks upset): Giles is right. What is he doing here? He tried to rape you.
GILES (looks up): What?
DAWN (sitting on the loveseat): Xander and Spike are right. He should go.
BUFFY (looking upset, too): But I love him. I need him. He got himself a soul just for me. And besides, he never tried to rape me. I was the one treating him badly. How should he know that no meant no this time. I upset him by not loving him back. I was a very bad girl. (turns and lovingly touches his cheek with her palm)
XANDER (shakes his head): You should have your head examined. And just for the record. You say he has a soul. So, where is the doom and gloom. I mean, Angel always has this kicked puppy expression. It's entirely missing. What do you think, Giles?
GILES (looking angry): Buffy, this is insane. Send him away. Maybe you are brainwashed. This is Spike. Soul or no, he is still a vampire. At least Angel had the sense to leave, because he loved you and saw that he was no good for you.
BUFFY (pouting): No. I told you. I love him. Either you accept him or you can all go. Spike is the center of my world now.
Giles, Dawn, and Xander look upset. Then Xander looks horrified, when Spike walks over to him and buries his teeth in Dawn's neck. The girl shrieks in horror, but the sounds quickly die away.
XANDER (terrified): Buffy, do something! She is your sister. He is killing her.
BUFFY (sighs): I can't. I love him.
Giles jumps up and tries to pull Spike away from Dawn, but the vampire grabs his neck and snaps it.
*****
SCENE 4 - Buffy's house (half an hour later)
We see Spike sitting in a corner, his whole face bloody. He is licking his fingers and his eyes close with pleasure.
SPIKE (sighing): Nothing can come close to the taste of fresh human blood.
View on Buffy's family and friends friends. They're all lying on the ground, puncture wounds in their necks. All are dead.
View back on Spike whose eyes open and he shakes his head with a little smirk.
SPIKE: Humans. Just too gullible for their own good.
Spike gets up and with a last look around leaves the house. As he closes the door, a smile plays around his lips.
Voiceover of Spike in the darkness while we see Buffy's dead body in the corner.
SPIKE: Gotcha.
FADE OUT.