Well, well, well. Hello everyone! I am not going to lie, I'm extremely nervous to post here again. I used to post under another pen name, but I can't remember my log on information, so that will be my mysterious secret, haha. It's been years since I've written anything publicly on the site, so please be kind to me. And let me apologize in advance for starting out with an almost 'filler' chapter, I am just trying to set a tone here before I launch into anything heavy. And it will be heavy! Anyway, I'm glad to see you all again- let me know what you think of this, if you are so inclined. gulp Here we go.
Finding My Way Back
Chapter One: A Day in the Life.
11:26AM. The clock didn't lie.
Rinoa sighed tiredly, pushing her chair away from her desk so she could arch her back. It's not even noon, she thought despondently as she massaged the back of her neck with both hands. Four o'clock cannot come soon enough.
When she'd taken the job in the Balamb hotel, it was a welcome diversion from wandering the Garden, doing the odd jobs that Cid doled out to her. She'd had a sneaking suspicion that half the things he'd asked to her to were tasks he could have done himself, but he'd wanted to make her feel like a member of the team. The trouble was, she'd never wanted to be a member of the team. At least, not that team.
So now she spent her days working in the front office of the Balamb Inn, which suited her quite well most of the time. She enjoyed making people feel comfortable and at home, and it gave her a sense of personal accomplishment that she'd felt lacking in over the last few months.
But while her professional horizons had dwindled for a time, other elements of her life had blossomed. Although she wasn't sure he'd enjoy that adjective being used to describe their relationship.
It had been over a year since the events which had shaped their lives and put them on a collision course with each other. Over a year since they had both realized that they were profoundly and permanently connected to each other. And during that year, Rinoa had learned the meaning of frustration, confusion, anger, and disappointment. She'd also learned the meaning of joy, safety, reliability, and loyalty.
In short, she'd learned what it meant to be in love with Squall Leonhart.
There had been some difficult times, nights when they had both gone to bed angry, passing each other in the hallway the next day with only the briefest nods of acknowledgement for each other. There had been inevitable arguments over important things, like the when it was acceptable for one of them to remain in the other's room overnight. There had been inevitable arguments over the unimportant things, such as Squall's purchasing of 2 milk when clearly 1 was superior.
In short, they had become like everyone else… and they enjoyed it. Yes, they did have an emotional connection which outstripped most couples, but it had been easy to forget over time. She had grown used to the slight tugs at the back of her mind when he was upset, just as he had become accustomed to the barbs of emotion she sent back at him whenever she was intensely happy or sad. They didn't talk much about the fact that there was still something deeply different about them which separated the couple from their peers.
Rinoa wasn't sure why they didn't talk about it. Maybe they were both tired of the responsibility, maybe all that they wanted was a chance to be normal and experience the things that had been denied to both of them, albeit for very different reasons. Whatever the motivation behind it, they had settled into a comfortable routine of normalcy.
As normalcy had taken over, Rinoa had found herself with less and less to do. She knew that Squall had grown acutely aware of her need to feel as if she belonged, and so it hadn't surprised her when she was approached by Cid after voicing her feelings and was asked to help him with administrative work around the Garden. She had enjoyed it, it kept her close to- well, within the same building as- Squall, and she was able to spend much of her time in the company of the rest of their friends as she walked between various offices throughout the day.
And then one day, she wanted more, something she'd earned on her own. It was as simple as that.
She'd known that Squall would be hurt by what would seem like a desire to distance herself from him and she'd done her best to reassure him that it wasn't a desire to be with him less, only to be with herself more. And after much cajoling and some careful reassurance, she began applying for jobs in Balamb. Within days, she'd accepted the front office position at the inn.
All of which brought Rinoa back to where she sat now. Glancing again at the clock, she grimaced as she watched the second hand spin slowly around the face of the timepiece. Deciding that she had accomplished enough daydreaming for one day, Rinoa stood up with a sense of purpose. As she did so, the hotel's mascot jumped to its feet and chuffed at her happily.
"Angelo, what do you want from me?" Rinoa asked her pet playfully, walking over to the dog and scratching him in the soft fur behind his ears. Angelo's inclusion as an employee of the Balamb Inn had been a stipulation of her acceptance of the job, and she was glad she'd argued for him. He'd grown into his role as hotel greeter, always greeting everyone with a 'hello' bark, or if the guest was particularly likeable, a friendly lick on the back of the hand. She shrugged at Angelo and grabbed his leash from under her desk and pulled out the "Back in 15 Minutes" sign. Placing it on the desk, she shook her head at the dog as she knelt to secure the leash onto his collar.
"I've always been a sucker for a boy with beautiful eyes," she explained, as Angelo bumped the side of her face with his cold nose. Tucking her hair behind her ears, she let Angelo lead her out the doors of the building and into the Balamb heat.
Although Balamb was always hot in the summer, this season had proved vicious in its humidity. Rinoa immediately felt her hair flatten and her bangs stick to her forehead. Angelo paused at the door, and Rinoa jostled the leash a bit. "Come on boy, I know it's hot out but if you're gonna make me come out here the least we can do is get down to the ocean!" Angelo turned his head to look up at his master dolefully, but didn't budge. Rinoa prepared to bring him back inside when a faint sound caught her ear. It was the unmistakable sound of boots stepping in unison, and she craned her neck to try and see around the bend in the road.
And then they were upon her. Row after row of SeeD cadet marched past her, on their way to take the field exams necessary for admission into the military institution. She pulled Angelo back into the door's awning to give them room to pass, wondering at how it hadn't really been all that long since Squall and the others, so experienced now, had followed this road toward something they couldn't even imagine.
She caught sight of a familiar face marching with the other instructors selected to administer the exams. Zell's tattoo would have marked him anyway, but she had grown to recognize the uncontainable exuberance in his step, even when he did his best to hide it. He gave her a toothy grin as he passed, but stopped short of waving, knowing that it was important to appear disciplined in front of the cadets.
Rinoa watched as the squads assembled in front of the boats that would take them out of the harbor, the students shifting in their ranks with nervous anticipation. The wind mercifully began to kick up around her as she stepped out into the street to get a better view of the proceedings, sending a chill through her as the cool ocean air hit her already slightly sweaty skin. And as her hair blew around her face, she caught sight of him.
Rinoa thought it a credit to their relationship that every time her eyes found him, her heart still skipped a beat. Although she stood in the middle of the deserted street, Squall hadn't noticed her from such a distance. He stood on the bow of one of the ships with his hands clasped behind his back, and although Rinoa couldn't make out anything he said over the sound of the wind in her ears, it was clear from his posture and mannerisms that he was giving the cadets their orders. Rinoa felt a swell of pride in her chest as she watched the man she'd known when he was still a boy salute the SeeDs and candidates in front of him. And it was then that she realized he was looking right at her.
There was always an element of danger to every mission, even a training exercise. As Rinoa watched him through the tendrils of hair that gusted across her face, she felt a familiar tug in the back of her mind. Slowly, inconspicuously, she put a hand on her breast, holding his eyes with hers. The moment lingered, and then Squall broke the salute, turned crisply on his heels, and descended into the boat below.
Heart still thundering in her chest, she was almost pulled off-balance by Angelo, who had decided that it was finally time to begin his walk. Rinoa arched an eyebrow at him. "You sure know how to ruin a moment, don't you boy?" she asked acidly. Angelo chuffed happily again before beginning his own approximation of a march down the street to Ma Dincht's, where he was always assured many treats.
Trailing behind him, Rinoa watched the squads as they put out to sea, vaguely sad that she hadn't even been aware that he'd elected to go on the field exams. As the horizon swallowed the ships, she shrugged to herself. Squall's sense of duty to SeeD was a price she was willing to pay, especially now that she'd found more of a life for herself outside the Garden… at least from eight to four on weekdays.
"Fine Angelo, fine! Let's go get the treats!" She said, putting the enthusiasm back into her voice. She let the dog pull her down the street, and the rest of the day melted into the summer haze.
Rinoa sighed with contentment as she turned the car into Squall's designated parking spot under Balamb Garden. She jumped out of the vehicle and crossed to the passenger side, opening the door to let Angelo out. He gave her a quick bark of thanks and took off toward the dormitories, leaving Rinoa to grab the bath towel that covered the passenger seat. Squall would never forgive me if I got dog hair all over his precious 'other' baby, she thought with chagrin as she shook it out. Tucking the towel under her arm, she made her way back to the dorms. When she arrived at her door, she found it slightly odd that Angelo was not waiting for her. With a sigh of realization, she turned back to the elevator and pressed the button for the next floor up, where all ranking SeeDs and elite Garden staff had private housing. And sure enough, as soon as she stepped out of the elevator, she could see Angelo at the end of the hallway, patiently sitting outside Squall's door.
Rinoa narrowed her eyes at the dog and stuck her tongue out at him. "You know we shouldn't be up here," she cautioned the animal. But it would be so lovely to take a real bath, her mind argued. Admitting to herself that she wasn't up to the dormitory showers, which lacked any sense of real privacy beyond a shower curtain in a cubicle, she reluctantly pulled a different card key- one she had been instructed to use only in the direst of emergencies- out of her wallet. "We'll just call this our little secret," she said in a conspiratory whisper as the card whisked through the reader.
Squall's apartment was nothing new to Rinoa, but it felt as strange to her as the surface of the moon now as she realized that she'd never been alone in the space before. She realized she was breathing shallowly and forced herself to laugh loudly to break the silence of the room. It's not like it's a temple or something, she thought to herself. It did almost feel like one though, each item in its place and the entire area devoid of mess had created a certain sense of reverence. Squall had always retained his sense of utilitarian sensibilities, despite her best efforts to the contrary.
And then Rinoa was possessed by the most awful, insidious, and treacherous idea. She smirked as she kicked off one shoe, watching it fly into the living room and lodge itself under the couch. Her smile deepened as the other shoe landed under the coffee table. Languidly making her way through the kitchen and toward the bathroom, she let her clothes fall in the path she walked. Pausing in the bathroom doorway, she turned to look with satisfaction on the slight mess she had made.
"Well, it's a start," she said aloud before turning into bathroom and cranking the tub faucet open. She sighed contentedly as the room filled up with steam, and in what felt like moments was enjoying what she considered one of the best perks of a SeeD officer, a hot bath.
Seemingly only minutes later, Rinoa awoke with the sensation that she was somewhere that she ought not to be. Looking around her, she knew she'd fallen asleep in Squall's tub, and shifted in the now tepid bath. Water splashed over the edge of the tub as she stretched her arm to reach for the towels stacked neatly on a shelf above. As she grasped at the top one, she heard the unmistakable sound of a door shutting. Startled, she jerked the towel down, spilling the entire pile into the tub and on top of her. Rather than scramble, Rinoa sighed softly and waited for the inevitable.
The bathroom door swung open, and Rinoa looked through resigned, lidded eyes at Squall. He stood in the doorway in his formal uniform, which was now unbuttoned at the collar. She watched as he took in the scene: water all over the floor, about a dozen thick towels soaking in his filled bathtub, and a still obviously half-asleep girlfriend in the middle of the mess. She gestured at him with one hand from under the terrycloth. "Go ahead, say it!"
Squall swallowed as the corners of his mouth pricked up despite his best efforts. He moved into the bathroom and sat carefully on a dry edge of the tub. Reaching out, he touched a tendril of her wet hair. "Need a towel?" he asked helpfully.
Indignantly, Rinoa attempted a swing at his arm. However, she'd miscalculated the weight of all the soaked cloth in the water and slipped against the smooth tub bottom. Her swing turned into a wild grab and before she could think, she'd pulled the highest ranking SeeD, and his formal uniform, into the bath with her.
Squall made a strangled sound as he struggled and tried to maneuver a way out of the water, but soon was bogged down as well. "Rinoa, this water is freezing," he told her sternly. "What are you thinking?" She slit her eyes at him wickedly but replied innocently "Squall, I thought you'd be more comfortable with frigid things, they're so much more your speed."
He looked at her with a moment's shock before running a hand through his wet hair. "Let's see just how frigid I really am," he said challengingly, extracting himself from the tub and pulling her up after him. Tucking an arm under her knees, he lifted her up effortlessly and together they trailed water and towels through the apartment to the bedroom.
That evening, Rinoa peeked out over the edge of the white down comforter, watching Squall in the kitchen. She'd always found it perversely amusing to watch him cook anything, although it was twice as enjoyable today, as he was putting together a meal in nothing but boxers. Squall seemed to feel her eyes on him, as he turned and gave her a slight smile that most people wouldn't have noticed at all.
"Hungry?" he asked her with a gesture toward the salad he'd been assembling in a bowl. Rinoa shrugged an agreement, scooting up in his bed to lean her back against the headboard. She watched as Squall divided the salad into two bowls, accepting hers gratefully and began skewering lettuce as he settled comfortably beside her.
"You looked good in Balamb," Rinoa told him, speaking around the lettuce in her mouth. Squall glanced over at her critically, but said nothing. "I mean it," she continued, "You looked so… official… out there, giving orders. Sometimes I can't reconcile the man in the uniform to the guy in the bed with me."
Squall swallowed his food slowly, and Rinoa knew from experience that he was taking the time to choose his words carefully. "You know," he began, dark hair falling into his eyes as he looked down at her, "You know that if I had to be one or the other, I'd be the guy in your bed forever." An uncharacteristic flush colored the edges of his ears, but he held her gaze steady. "I saw you in the road today."
"I felt you in my head today," Rinoa replied honestly. "I can always feel that." Squall leaned over and brushed a kiss on her temple. "Good," he breathed softly into her hair, and as he did Rinoa felt the same familiar pulling motion in the back of her mind.
"Knock it off," she said playfully, curling herself up comfortably against his side. Squall put a hand over his heart as if he was wounded, and reached his other arm around Rinoa to pull her closer to him. She placed her hand over the one on his chest, and they rested in comfortable silence until the light from the sunset faded and sleep softly overtook them.
And so the weeks continued, and Rinoa and Squall enjoyed a newfound sense of domesticity at home, and learned to miss each other during their days apart. It was quiet shared moments; it was secret grins when no one else was watching. It was lying in a Balamb field after curfew and watching the stars; it was her head on his shoulder at the movies. It was peaceful and predictable. It was simple and normal. And it was all about to change.