Summary: Alfred F. Jones, bumbling waiter at a diner downtown, has a secret… He is the soul protector of Buttsecks City from his arch nemesis, Jack Union. Keeping his true identity secret, Alfred has to juggle being a waiter, trying to win the heart of his supposed 'true love,' and the life of a super hero all at once.
LITTLE DOES HE KNOW—His true love, Arthur, is really Jack Union and Arthur is blissfully unaware of Alfred's heroic hobby. Can the two mix? Will they ever love each other? Why is everyone gay? WILL BUTTSECKS CITY EVER BE SAFE!
Author's obligatory bit:
Howdy ya'll! This is my second Hetalia fic I've posted and I am LOVING it to the max. I was reading some fanfiction about a thief or something and I was really really in love with it and it felt very cartoon-y when I read it. So I thought that Alfred would make a seriously awesome superhero. So here he is, being a hero.
This fanfiction is ENDLESSLY NOT SERIOUS. Hence the ridiculous name, everyone being gay, obliviousness, grammar errors (If you tell me that they're there, I'll fix it) and rushed writing. Plz, don't hate.
Disclaimer: Do not own.
Warning: There is some strong language in here. And, you guessed it, butt secks. SO EXPECT BUTTSECKS.
Alfred F. Jones had a secret. Well, Alfred F. Jones had a few secrets. He had the little People-Might-Think-Of-Me-Really-Differently-If-I-Tell-Them-This kind of secret, which most people in Buttsecks City had. And then he had the My-Life-Is-Seriously-Dependant-On-The-Secrecy-Of-This-Secret. Seriously, they would murder him all over the place.
See, Alfred F. Jones, that waiter down at Johnny's Burger Shack, is really The Hero. That guy that runs through the streets at breakneck speed saving people from danger. Like a real, real superhero. And he kept his secret better than anyone ever. Better than Superman, better than Spiderman, and even if his true love were to blink big, green, doe eyes and beg and plead for Alfred to be honest and tell them what it was that he did every night at 9:30 sharp, he would never, never tell. Ever. Because there was a man out there ready to kill Alfred any chance that he got.
And that man was called Jack Union. He was a terror! A menace! He was the epitome of anti-American with his blasted English tactics and ridiculous British flag cape that was a total rip off of Alfred's American flag one. His only purpose in life was to ruin Alfred's life and to wreck Buttsecks City up. But before he had the chance to actually do any damage, Alfred, The Hero, would swoop in and kick his ass.
Alfred's other secret that he, like most of the residents of Buttsecks City, was utterly, unconditionally, fabulously gay for Arthur Kirkland, the most sexy man to ever walk into the gates of Buttsecks City. He had short, wild lemon yellow hair and bright, bright, green eyes and very prominent eyebrows. He was English with a really sexy accent. Kind of like Harry Potter. He was shorter than Alfred and considerably less muscular, but Alfred liked him that way. He was perfect.
The only problem was that he couldn't really commit himself into a relationship. Alfred F. Jones was The Hero! He had a duty! He couldn't take time between serving burgers and saving Buttsecks City from total rapeage to try to be a good, committed boyfriend. It was impossible. Even for The Hero.
The day that Alfred first met Arthur, it was raining. The Englishmen shook the little drops of water off his bright yellow umbrella as he entered the diner. It was about three in the afternoon and things were slowing down from the lush rush. Actually, aside from a crazy woman in the corner that insisted to stay in the diner the whole day and a workin' class man drinking another cup of coffee, the diner was empty.
Alfred smiled at Arthur as he sat down at a booth. He grabbed a menu and trotted over to the man, "Welcome to Johnny's Burger Shack," He said cheerfully, he was always a dreadfully cheerful person. "Can I get you something to drink?"
Arthur didn't meet Alfred's eye, "Do you have earl grey tea?" He asked. It was the first time that Alfred had ever heard a real, life British accent. He had seen a couple of shows, he watched Harry Potter, but he had never heard a real, real one in real, real life.
"Whoa! You're totally British!" He gasped, not entirely aware that he was gaping and that it was horribly rude. "AH—Sorry, I mean, yeah, I'll get that!" He caught himself and turned on his heel. He was so excited! All he ever got was the weird regulars and some other Americans.
He brought the hot water in the weird little pitcher deal and the tea bag back to Arthur's table. This time around Alfred studied the man quite intently. He had a heart shaped face, it made him look feminine, but he had broad shoulders, so that balanced it out. And his eyes—oh his eyes. It was like looking into two perfectly round green apple Jolly Rancher candies on his face. It was then that Alfred realized that this British dude was totally hot.
"Decided on what to eat?" He asked, he felt his heart beginning to pound a little faster.
Arthur handed Alfred the menu, "Nothing today, thanks."
And that was really it. Arthur paid before he left, grabbed his umbrella and went back into the rain. Alfred watched as he left staring longingly at him.
That night was also the same night that he first encountered Jack Union. He was doing his nightly patrol, clad in his white face mask, American flag cape, red spandex body suit, blue utility belt, and white guns of justice, when the most annoying accent called out from behind, "Face me, you twat!"
Alfred turned around to see a man with a red cap covering his hair, a blue mask hiding his face, a three piece suit with a large Union Jack as the design and a British flag flowing behind him. One of the only distinguishable features that Alfred noticed was the glint of green eyes behind the mask.
Alfred glared. "And who the hell are you?" He demanded.
The man laughed, "I wouldn't expect a wanker like you to know, so I'm not surprised with that response." He took a step forward and Alfred held his ground, "If you must know I am the man that is going to kill you." Another step," I am your worst nightmare," Alfred felt the urge to step back as the man kept walking towards him, "the ultimate Anti-American," He felt sweat trickle down his cheek, "I am Jack Union." They were inches apart before Alfred registered what was going on.
Alfred grabbed one of his Guns of Justice and shot Jack Union in the chest. But his Guns of Justice weren't real guns. He was going to put criminals in jail, not kill them. So a powerful shock of electricity shook Jack Union's body and he fell to the ground, his muscles convulsing and sweat forming across his body.
"Well I'm The Hero and there's no way in hell I'd ever let someone as lame as you do any damage to my city!" He said triumphantly. He didn't see Jack smirk and he didn't see Jack reach into his jacket and retrieve a weird device. Suddenly a loud ringing could be heard all across the city. "Whoa! What the hell is that!" Alfred shouted, but nobody could hear him.
Suddenly, the largest pigeon Alfred had ever seen swooped down onto the street. He fell onto the ground in shock as Jack pulled himself up and pet the bird's wing, "Now, now, haven't you ever seen a ten foot tall pigeon before? " He threw his head back and barked a laugh, "No, I don't think you have. Well, it's nice to know what I'm up against." He jumped on the bird's massive back, "Ta-ta, klaxon!"
The bird kicked off of the ground and flew off over the bay, leaving Alfred utterly shocked.
When Alfred got home that night, he was determined to find a way to best Jack Union… Only, Alfred didn't have a giant bird. He was just a waiter. He fell asleep angry, confused, and with far too many thoughts in his head. And that night he had nightmares about Jack Union towering above him, Buttsecks City in ruins, and that hot British guy from the diner was clinging to his arm.
Alfred was not very good at spotting coincidences. He wasn't really a smart kind of guy. He didn't piece together that on the same day that he met Arthur, Jack Union happened to roll into town. He didn't take into consideration that they were both British with bright green eyes. The thought that the guy from the diner and Jack Union could be the same person never occurred to him.
Bam! Introductions, setting the stage, getting something of a conflict in there- DONE! Now's the part where I get to gettin'. (As in figure out how the hell I'm going to get some more buttsecks in here)
REVIEW ME FOR I AM A LONELY SOUL IN NEED OF LOVE!
And do it because you want to correct something that's wrong with this fic.
Or because you love me.
Or because you love it.
Or just because you're bored.