A/N: Prompt from Anon on Tumblr: An angsty ficlet where everything ends well in the end (:
I started this before the finale aired so I guess this now becomes AU.
For the last week or so Beckett had been feeling a little under the weather but she just pushed it off as wedding jitters. But the wedding was 2 days ago and she isn't feeling any better. Then she remembers. Strip poker. They didn't use a condom and thinking about it now, she forgot to take her pill. After going to the drugstore and buying an assortment of pregnancy tests, she went back to her apartment.
She set the timer on her phone for the designated three minutes then sat on the counter next to the test and her phone. Those three minutes felt like an eternity but once her phone buzzed, she looked to her left where the test was still sitting. Two lines. Two very clear lines. She took another test thinking maybe the first one was wrong but 15 minutes later she had all 4 laid out on the counter and 8 lines were staring back at her.
They were supposed to adjust to being married. They were supposed to have a more serious conversation about this before it actually happened.
She was pacing her bathroom but after a few minutes, she hightailed it out of there to the morgue to get Lanie to run the blood test.
Hearing her best friend come back in, she turned around to see the beaming smile on her face. "Congratulations girl! You are indeed pregnant." She set the papers down on a table then walked toward Kate, expecting a hug but instead she was met with a look she couldn't decipher. Kate turned around and took a few steps and sat down on a stool, focusing her gaze on the floor. Sensing her hesitantness, Lanie sat down across from her. "What's going on?"
Kate finally looked back at her. "I don't know if I can do this." Lanie waited for her to elaborate. "We got married less than 48 hours ago. And with my job, I can't be a mom."
"Kate, you are the most qualified person I know to raise a kid...minus maybe Jenny-"
"But Lanie, I deal with murderers for a living, I come face to face with the end of a gun all the time. I've almost died more times than I can count. I can't leave my kid without a mother."
"You are getting way ahead of yourself. You need to go talk to Castle."
"I see how horrible the world is on a daily basis. How the hell am I supposed to bring a kid into that?"
"Kate, listen to me. Go home. Go talk to Castle before you start driving yourself even more insane."
When she got back to the loft, Alexis was on her laptop at the breakfast bar and Martha was off at her acting studio. "Hey Alexis." She put her keys on the hook next to Castle's and dropped her bag next to the door.
Alexis looked up from whatever she was working on. "Hey."
"Where's your dad?"
"I think he's in his office."
After a minute of talking with Alexis about her criminal justice test she was studying for, Kate went into the office to see Castle typing away at his computer. He looked up when he heard her come in. "Hey, where have you been?"
She closed the door behind her and sat on the couch, pulling her legs up to her chest. "I was with Lanie at the morgue."
"I thought you finished up everything you needed to so you could have the next three weeks off?"
"I did, it wasn't for a case."
He looked back at his computer and typed something quick. "Needed some girl time?"
"Something like that."
He could sense something was wrong. "Is everything okay?"
"Do you remember strip poker a little over a month ago?"
"How could I forget?" He gave her a teasing smirk.
"And you didn't wear a condom." Sensing where this was going, he just furrowed his brow a little and let her continue. "I forgot to take my pill that morning."
After letting him ponder where she was going with it, once he realized what she was telling him, his face lit up. "You're pregnant?"
"Yeah."
He could see her lack of enthusiasm but still made his way to her and crashed his lips into hers. He smiled at her. "We're having a baby?" He still noticed the lack of smile on her face but he waited for her to talk.
"We can't do this, not now."
"I thought you wanted kids, you said when the time came so I thought you would-"
She pulled out of his arms and stood up. "But this is not the time. Not when we just got married. Not when I could go to work and not come home. Not when my job is as dangerous as it is. Not when I could leave our kid without a mom."
"Kate, we can do this, you're not gonna die."
She pushed his arms away and stood up. "You don't know that!"
He stood up as well. "You're right, I don't. But you can't let a potential, unlikely event dictate your life."
"It's not unlikely. You know how many times we've almost died. My apartment. The freezer. My shooting. You in that bank. 3XK. The lion. Just a few weeks ago-"
He walked closer to her. "Okay, yes we have been in some compromising positions but we've always gotten through them...together."
"Or kids deserve two parents! If we're working together and something happens...leaving them with no parents-"
"Kate," he grabbed her hands in his and ducked his head a little to make her look him in the eyes, "you are getting way ahead of yourself. Just because the world is scary and unpredictable and cruel sometimes, we can still have a kid, we can still be parents...Everyone has that fear. I did when Meredith told me she was pregnant."
She pulled her hands out of his and took a few steps away from him, resting them on her hips.
"We have, what 8 months, to figure this out. And I know we will, we always do." Seeing how tense she still was, he made one suggestion. "What if I stop working with you."
She whipped around, shock evident on her face. "What?"
"You said you're afraid of leaving our kid without parents. If I stop shadowing you, there's more of a chance he'll have both of us."
"What does that mean for us then? Our whole relationship is built on you shadowing me."
"No it's not. Yes, that's where it all started but it's not what we depend on to keep us together."
Sobs threatened to wrack her body but she held them back along with the tears that were blurring her vision. "Then what happened with D.C.?"
Seeing the pain in her eyes, he cautiously took a couple steps toward her. "That was different. We were apart for weeks at a time and it was during my book tour, you had just started the job."
She knew he was right, and deep down she was happy about this baby but she just needed time. It was all so new right now, everything in her life was so new. Being married, having the huge weight of Bracken lifted off her shoulders, now the pregnancy, it was all happening at once, she just wanted it to slow down.
She headed for the door out to the living room. "I just need to go clear my head."
Afraid she was pulling away, "Kate."
She turned back to him, a lone tear escaping, trying to reassure him. "I'll be back in a few hours, I promise." She wiped the tear away then opened the door.
Castle sat back at his desk wondering how it had gotten to this point. Over the last year, they had gotten so much better at communicating and although she had told him about her fears, and he was so grateful for that, she ultimately left. He realized he caught a glimpse of Alexis when Kate left but it was just now registering. He wanted to know how much she heard and if she heard the news how she felt about it.
He walked around to the other side of the breakfast bar to the fridge. "Didn't know you were out here." He grabbed a bottled water and stood across from her.
"Yeah, just doing some homework."
He rested his forearms on the counter. "How much did you hear?"
Alexis closed her laptop. "She's pregnant, isn't she?"
"Yeah."
To Castle's surprise, Alexis looked genuinely happy about the very new news he was still trying to digest. "Where did she go now?"
He stood up straight again. "I don't know. She's scared and just needs a little bit to digest all of it.
Kate got in her car and just drove. She found that driving with no destination in mind always calmed her.
What the hell had she done? Why did she leave when all he was doing was trying his best to calm her fears? Why did she not believe him when he said they would figure this all out? She just left like a coward, avoiding her fears. She hunted down murderers for god's sake, she could handle talking about the ever present child she was carrying, but she couldn't. She is comfortable with murderers. She's experienced. But with kids, sure she had babysat her younger cousins a few times, but raising one? Being responsible for guiding them, teaching them, helping them find their way in the world, making sure they don't become one of her suspects, that was a hell of a lot scarier than a murderer.
She was pulled from her thoughts when she realized where she was going. After another minute, she pulled into a cemetery's parking lot and got out and headed for her mother's grave that was just a few rows back.
Since it was already dark, she was the only one there and she couldn't be more grateful for that. After a few hours of thinking, trying to figure out what her mom would say, crying, then finally allowing herself the first burst of happiness, she went back to the loft. It was dark except for a light coming from upstairs. She went to Castle's office and he wasn't in there, she saw a light coming from their bedroom so she went in to find Castle in bed with his laptop but his head was bobbed to the side. It looked like he was trying to wait up for her but had fallen asleep. His neck was sure to hurt in the morning. She rid herself of her jeans and blouse in exchange for sleep shorts and a tank top. She went in the bathroom to brush her teeth but forwent taking off her makeup since most of it, she had cried off. She went back to the bedroom and got in bed, taking the laptop off his lap, closing it, and putting it on her bedside table, causing him to stir and finally wake. "Hey."
He blinked his eyes a few times, trying to be more awake. "I tried to wait up but-"
He was cut off by her moving closer to him, laying her head on his chest and wrapping her arms around his torso. In turn, he wrapped an arm around her as well. "I'm sorry. I was scared and I did what I do best, I ran and I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be sorry." He kissed the top of her head and they both moved to lay down, her head still on her chest, arms still wrapped around each other.
She looked up at him. "I love you so don't give up on me."
Their lips met briefly before he pulled away to look at her. "I love you too so I could never give up on you."
She moved her head back down and tangled their legs together. "I am happy for this baby, I'm just scared."
"I know."