A/N: Fun little one-shot that came to me today. Hope everyone enjoys!
There was a pained silence filling the dormitory of the second year Gryffindor boys. Sirius, laying sprawled on his back on the bed belonging to James, sighed heavily, giving his best friend, who was laying on the floor, staring at an almost blank piece of parchment, a pointed look. The tension was palpable, and James began to nervously tap his quill, determined not to lose the staring contest he was holding with his essay. A few more moments, and:
"Merlin, Sirius, how am I supposed to write ten bloody inches on the properties of unicorn tail hairs if you keep staring at me like that?" he exploded. Sirius rolled his eyes.
"I don't see why you feel the need to try and write that now," he muttered bitterly, "Honestly, Moony will be back from visiting his aunt tomorrow, get the answers from him. You clearly aren't getting very far," he reasoned, gesturing to the sentence James had managed to accomplish. "I would like to add that our time could be spent much more constructively by working on the practical application of those charms we've been learning in class," he continued, using his best impression of McGonagall and leaping up from James' bed.
James grinned mischievously.
"Why, it has struck me on more than one occasion that dear Snivellus has just been dying for some kindly gentlemen to come along and use a sticking charm on his rear and a chair," James conceded, looking thoughtful.
Sirius grinned.
"James, it is funny you say that, because I find myself thinking the same thing at least three times a day, sometimes even more."
"Well, who would we be to leave Snivelly hanging like that?" James asked, feigning concern.
"Douchebags, that's who we'd be," Sirius said with utmost sincerity.
"Exactly," James concurred, nodding.
"Say, when is that essay thing you were working on due?" Sirius asked as the two of them made their way towards the Great Hall in order to put their prank into action during lunch.
"Erm, I think Slughorn said Monday," James said, shrugging.
"Blimey, Remus had better get back soon, that only leaves me tomorrow to copy his," Sirius muttered, shaking his head. James laughed.
"Why does that blighter go visit his aunt so often, anyways?" Sirius asked.
"I think he said she's ill or something, but it seems like she's getting sick at least once a month. Maybe she has something chronic or something?"
"Yeah, unless the little git has been lying to us and does something else every month," Sirius joked.
"Yeah, he does always seem to leave at the same time every month," James said, going along with it, "Maybe he has a secret girlfriend that he runs off to visit," he said, laughing. Sirius roared with laughter at the thought of Remus with a girl.
"He probably got her girl cooties all over our dormitory!" Sirius spouted in disgust through his chuckles.
"Wait, what if he really does sneak off to see some girl every month?" James said, wrinkling his nose at the thought of Remus with someone of the opposite gender, or, Merlin forbid, even kissing a girl.
Sirius shook his head.
"Please," he said, secretly worried that studious Remus had actually succeeded in getting a girl before him, "It's more likely that Remus is a girl himself than he has a girlfriend," he said, snickering. James joined him.
"Yeah," he said, his laughter growing by the second, "Maybe he leaves because he's having his 'time of the month'!"
The two of them fell over in the Entrance Hall, crippled by their own laughter. A group of girls walked past them on their way to lunch, giggling at the spectacle of the two boys gasping for breath on the floor. Among them was Lily Evans, who seemed to be the only female not amused by the boys' immature antics. She rolled her eyes and flounced past them into the Great Hall.
"Save us a seat, Evans?" James shouted after her. She shot him a look over her shoulder. Sirius resumed his laughter, missing the somewhat dejected look on James' face and giving him a high five before following the girls into the Great Hall.
Remus entered the Gryffindor common room with a feeling of relief that another month's torture was over. It was late, and the common room appeared to be deserted. He quietly crossed to the entrance the the boys' dormitories, preparing to ascend the stairs, when the sound of a throat being cleared caused him to spin around.
James and Sirius were seated side by side on the sofa, staring at him knowingly.
"Well, well, well," Sirius drawled, "Look who finally decided to grace us all with his presence."
"Why, Sirius, last time I checked, dear sick aunties would never dream of sending their little ickie-nephie-poos back to school at such an abominable time of night. Or, should I say, morning?" James added, giving Remus an admonishing look over the tops of his glasses.
Remus rolled his eyes.
"Oh, did you see that, James? Never in my life have I seen such sass from the dear sweet Remus that I thought I knew," Sirius cried. James shook his head at Remus as he put a comforting arm around Sirius, who was now sobbing quite impressively.
I hope you're happy, mister," James said with disgust.
"You know, you two make quite a cute couple," Remus said in a bored tone, unimpressed by their antics. They immediately dropped their adopted personas as Remus continued, slightly on edge, "And you know fully well that I was visiting my sick aunt this weekend."
"Not BLOODY likely," Sirius accused as James tried to contain his laughter. Remus looked at them warily.
"And What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded, anger creeping into his voice. Had he done something terrible when he transformed, did they see something?
"Whoa there, Remus. You seem a little moody. No need to go and rip our heads off," James reprimanded.
"Yes, put the claws away, Remus," Sirius said, shaking his finger.
"What are you two playing at?" Remus demanded, panic creeping into his voice. He was growing more certain by the minute that they knew something about his condition.
"Well, Sirius, we can hardly blame him for getting testy, after all, I'm sure his stomach is hurting him quite terribly," James continued, ignoring Remus' question.
"What?" Remus shouted, "Look, if you're trying to tell me I ate someone, then please, you have to understand, I don't know what I'm-"
"Whoa, did you just say 'ate someone'?" James asked, sharing a look of bewilderment with Sirius at Remus' outburst. Remus looked sheepish.
"Er..." he faltered, "What are the two of you on about, exactly?"
"What we're on about is that we've figured out what you're actually up to every month," Sirius said, far too gleefully considering what Remus suspected was coming next. He braced himself, expecting his life to be over in a few short seconds.
"You're on your period!" James cried exuberantly. Remus' expression of panic quickly morphed into one of surprise and confusion. Not getting the big reaction he had been expecting, James added, "Because you're a girl, you see."
Remus looked between his two best friends' grinning faces, and then began to laugh, both out of relief and genuine amusement at their absurd conclusion.
"Wait, let me get this straight," Remus wheezed, "You two noticed that I disappeared on the full moon of every month, and your explanation was that it was my 'time of the month' and I left so no one would discover that I'm secretly a girl?"
"Well...yeah," Sirius said. Remus laughed even harder.
"Wait a minute," James began, lost in thought, "Did you just say the full moon of every month?"
Remus ceased his laughter abruptly. Had he really just said that? How could he be so careless, after two years of keeping his secret safe?
"Wait, that would mean..." Sirius said, staring wide-eyed at Remus.
"Remus," James said slowly, "Are you a werewolf?"
They both stared at him, shocked looks on their faces, waiting for him to answer. Finally, he nodded slowly.
"I'll just...be going to bed, then..." Remus muttered, starting to stumble towards the staircase, "Guess I'll let Dumbledore know that I need...that I need to switch dorms...in the m-morning..."
"Wait- what?" Sirius said, shaking off his surprise first.
"Well, you don't want to be friends with me now that you know." It was a statement, not a question.
"Are you kidding?" Sirius said incredulously.
"Remus, that-that is..." James began, "...the COOLEST thing I've ever heard!"
"Seriously!" Sirius agreed enthusiastically, "We live with a bloody werewolf!"
Remus looked at them in amazement.
"So, you're saying that you...you're okay with it?" he asked.
"Of course we're okay with it! Geez, I can't believe you managed to keep that from us for so long, Moony!" James exclaimed.
"Moony?" Remus questioned.
"Well, if you don't like that nickname, I'm sure we could come up with a few more," said Sirius as he led Remus by the shoulder up the stairs to their dormitory.
"Yeah, for example," James joined in, "Suzy."
"Ellie."
"Bleedy."
"Lily."
"Whoa, mate, not Lily," James interceded.
"Alright, alright, Moony's good!" Remus interrupted before they could go any further.
"Pansy."
"Janet."
"Dorothy."
Remus shook his head, feigning exasperation, yet still flooded with joy that he had managed to end up with friends as amazing as James Potter and Sirius Black.
A/N: So, what do you all think? Hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing! Please review! :)