A/N: No, I am not Gaston Leroux. I adore his work, of course, but I am not him. Nor am I Susan Kay, or Pete Bregman, or Andrew Lloyd Webber, whose ideas I implemented into this as well (Susan Kay wrote the companion to "The Phantom of the Opera", "Phantom," and Pete Bregman, the graphic novel of Erik's time in Persia, "The Trap-Door Maker.") Kindly note as well that the common theme in this is our MASSIVE shipping of Erik and Christine and that many of these ideas will be incredibly stupid.
100 Ways to Effectively Kill Raoul Vicomte de Chagny
1. Make him watch the scene in the latest version of the movie with Christine and Erik kissing. Repeat as necessary.
2. Tell him that Christine eloped with Erik.
3. Tell him that Christine's only son isn't his.
4. Inform him instead that Christine's only son is Erik's.
5. Put him in Erik's torture chamber without the daroga.
6. Put him in a room with Erik and give him a pistol, a sword, and any other necessary weapons. Give Erik a rope. Let nature take its course.
7. Make him watch the stupid ending of the 1940's version of "The Phantom of the Opera" in which he, nor some other random rival that never existed in the book or other movies, gets Christine.
8. Tell him that Christine killed herself.
9. Tell him that Erik killed himself. (Have you read the book? He didn't want Erik to just die- he himself felt obligated to kill Erik.)
10. Put him in the French army during the Franco-Prussian War. (He deserted before the war and claimed later that he simply failed to get to the front before the French army surrendered.)
11. Have him sit in front of a mirror at night with a pistol and put a cat on his head. (In the book, Erik's eyes could only be seen at night, like a cat's. Just in case you're uneducated about the book. READ IT, DAMN YOU!!)
12. Tell Erik that Raoul's Grandfather was one of the men that stormed his house when he was eight and killed his beloved cocker spaniel, Sasha. (See "Phantom.")
13. Lock him in a rubber room with the monkey music box that plays "Masquerade" and fix it to it play indefinitely.
14. When he is in Erik's lair, go up to him and yell, "LOOK! ERIK'S TAKING CHRISTINE!" and, when his back is turned, run him over with Cesar.
15. Tell Christine that Raoul would have given the police at the theatre during "Past the Point of No Return" the command to fire at Erik even if Erik had attempted to used Christine as a human shield.
16. Lock him in a room with several Raoul rejects.
17. Lock him in a room with several peeved rope-bearing and/or violin playing Erik rejects.
18. Lock him in a room with several poorly singing Christine rejects.
19. Tell him that Christine and Erik had actually planned for her to be kidnapped. Both times.
20. Have Christine tell him that she was actually trying to get rid of her disgusting old scarf by throwing it in the sea.
21. Have Christine tell him that she prefers Erik because he doesn't follow her around all the time.
22. Lock him in a room with a bowl of everlasting punch and Erik with a pistol. Let science take its course. (This one is the result of a stupid random idea Jinks and I had- no-one will really understand this one unless you read "Random Ramblings of 'The Phantom of the Opera.'" Which will probably not even be up when we post this. Oh well.)
23. Tie his hands and feet together and push him into the lake.
24. Tell him that Erik's scarily realistic mannequin from the movie/musical is real and have Erik inform him, as he is snogging it, that it is not.
25. Have Christine put on make-up just like Erik's from the musical and walk up to Raoul, saying, "What, aren't I beautiful?"
26. Put him in the gondola with holes in the bottom.
27. Knock him out and dress him up like Erik. Before he awakens, place him standing in front of a mirror with a pistol.
28. Have him try to find and break into the house by the lake without the help of the daroga.
29. When Erik is gone and Raoul (by some miracle) makes it into the bottom-most cellar, fill the lake with some sort of deadly water-going creature. (i.e., crocodiles, piranha, electric eels, etc.)
30. Chain Raoul to a wall and force him to watch Christine and Erik make out like in the musical/movie.
31. Tell Raoul that Erik and Christine were each (somehow) disguised as the other during the whole fiasco.
32. Tell Raoul that there's something scary behind him. (It's Erik.)
33. Tell Raoul that there's something really scary behind him. (It's Erik and Christine kissing ((YET AGAIN.)))
34. Tell Raoul that there's something REALLY scary behind him. (It's Erik and Christine making love.)
35. Tell Raoul that there's something EXTREMELY scary behind him. (It's Erik and Christine making love while ((don't ask me how this works)) either cursing Raoul and/or speaking mushily to each other.)
36. Tell Raoul that the scariest thing you've ever seen in your life is behind him. (It's Christine and Erik smiling adoringly at one another and making up creepy pet names.)
37. Tell Raoul that Christine and Erik are getting married and he's not invited.
38. Tell Raoul that Christine and Erik are getting married and he is required to attend.
39. Lock Raoul in a room with Erik and Christine singing "All I Ask of You" (most likely the parody that Jinks and I are writing,) and "Past the Point of No Return" to each other.
40. In "All I Ask of You," after Christine sings "'Promise me that all you say is true,'" instead of "'That's all I ask of you,'" have her sing "Raoul, I really don't love you!"
41. Have Christine sing "My Guy" to Erik in front of him.
42. Give him a rubix cube to solve. (The guy can barely function- do you REALLY expect him to be able so solve even the most basic puzzle?)
43. Have Christine lose her scarf in the sea again, but this time, there is a conveniently placed patch of mud on the shore, so he will slip as he goes to get it and lands on a very conveniently placed large rock.
44. Stick him in a room with Messrs. Andre and Firmin, who refuse to cease their horrible rhythmic singing.
45. Stick him in a room with Carlotta. Need we say more?
46. (This one graciously provided by my friend Amanda!) Take his wig off.
47. Have Christine sing "Cowboy Take Me Away" to Erik (making fun of his funky wide-brimmed hat, of course!)
48. Tell him that you don't like his hairstyle.
49. Get Gerry Erik and make them have a swordfight like the one in the movie.
50. Have him try to escape the oddly amazing killing ability of the 1940's Erik. (i.e., "Christine Dubois will sing!" (he's talking to Carlotta and some random other girl at the time) -several women run into the room a second later- "They're dead!")
51. Tell him that some hot guy is waiting for him at the other side of Erik's lake.
52. Get Gerry Erik and have him challenge Raoul to a cloak-swishing contest. Watch as Raoul becomes so upset about his loss that he eventually starves to death!
53. Have some Erik from the mind of an Erik/Raoul shipper come on to him.
54. Make Christine a Dona Juana. Need we say more?
55. Wait until he is swallowing a large mouthful of food before informing him that Christine and Erik were making out behind his back.
56. Tie his shoelaces together before he goes down in the dungeon to find Christine.
57. Put him in a Wal-Mart Superstore.
58. Put him in the toy department of a Wal-Mart Superstore.
59. Force him to stay away from Christine for more than 24 hours.
60. Tell Erik that Raoul's grandfather was an insurgent in Persia and was one of the guys commenting about the Sultana being used as "payment" for Erik's services at the palace. (See, "The Trap-Door Maker")
61. Have Christine shove him off the roof during "All I Ask of You." As he tumbles to his death, begin snogging process between Erik and Christine.
62. Have Christine ask him to kiss her, and when he is about to, have her stab him in the throat. Yah.
63. Have someone punish Raoul so badly in the Franco-Prussian war that he deserts, then have someone catch him and tell him that the only way to get out of being shot for desertian is to carry the flag out in front of the regiment in front of a large artillery unit, shouting insults at the Prussian army.
64. Have Raoul desert the War again and get caught, but, this time, he is made to take care of tubercular soldiers. He forgets to take any kind of precautions, of course, knowing nothing about medicine, and, well... you can guess the rest.
65. Do what that weird Iron-Masked Erik from the original promo for Webber's musical did and drop a chandelier on his head while he's watching Christine dance around sexily in a Cleopatra costume.
66. Force him to watch the stage version of "The Phantom of the Opera" in which Erik does some- ahem- naughty things to Christine during "Past the Point of No Return."
67. Challenge him to a maniacal laughter contest against Michael Crawford.
68. Have someone from the masquerade scene in the book actually know where the Red Death went and tell Raoul.
69. Challenge him to a duel against the 20's cowboy-version of Joseph Buquet.
70. Place him in a soundproof room and tell him to scream until he hears an echo. (Okay, this has nothing to do with a creative way to kill him, but... he's an idiot, okay?!)
71. Have MC Erik fire fireballs at closer range than he did during the musical. (Come on, on top of the mausoleum? That's just unfair!)
72. Have Raoul not listen to Christine when MC Erik is firing fireballs at him and come up so close to the mausoleum that he gets fried.
73. Make him suffer the wrath of a peeved Madame Giry. (Hey, she was able to get out of being arrested for stealing 20,000 Francs! OF COURSE she could take the FOP!)
74. Tell Christine that Raoul had had sex with every one of the teenaged ballerinas in Faust.
75. Have a daroga from the mind of an Erik/daroga shipper go after him.
76. Have a daroga from the mind of a Raoul/daroga shipper insinuate disgusting things to him.
77. Have La Carlotta come onto him more strongly than was evidenced in the latest movie.
78. Force Raoul to choose between the short, blonde Christine from the book, and the tall, brunette one from the musical.
79. Spread a rumour around the Opera House about Raoul having some sort of STD. (This one would also be effective for killing many of the teenaged ballerinas, as well.)
80. Inform Raoul that, due to baldness in his father and grandfather, that he is likely to bald as well by the age of thirty.
81. Give Raoul some sort of idiotic question to solve. (i.e., "If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...?")
82. JUST SHOOT HIM.
83. Tell him to take a vacation to Krakatoa, but make sure he waits until June of 1883.
84. Inform him that Count Phillippe has risen from the dead and is coming to take revenge upon his eccentric little brother who got him killed by a living corpse.
85. Inform him that that cat he thought was Erik and shot to death has risen from the dead and is coming to take revenge upon his soul.
86. Suggest that there are indeed religions out there besides Catholicism. (This one works for killing Christine, as well.)
87. Challenge him to a singing contest versus MC Erik. (Sorry, but... Everyone ((meaning, "me,")) KNOWS that Crawford was the ONLY good Webber-musical Erik, and that everyone else was/is just a cheap imitation. That includes Gerard. Moving on before I cause any more controversy...)
88. Put Erik make-up from the musical on Raoul while he's sleeping. (Wakes up in the morning, sees reflection, "AAH! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!" Etc...)
89. Sneak up behind him when he's in his box and at the edge of the railing watching Erik and Christine during "Past the Point of No Return" and push him off.
90. Repeat method 89, except, rather than merely pushing him off, yell, "HEY, RAOUL, WATCHA DOIN'?!!"
91. Put him on some sort of TV gameshow that requires him to sing well.
92. Conspire with Raoul to murder the Queen, then don't show up at the agreed meeting place. The idiot'll probably try to go it alone.
93. Convince him that his own hair is really a wig (even though it's clearly not.)
94. Sneak into his room at night and shave all his hair off.
95. Force him to sit in the 13th box on the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month of the year (tell him that January is technically the thirteenth month of the previous year. He'll believe you.) Sit a black cat next to him, have very brittle mirrors that are mechanized to break whenever he sings, and have the floor of his box be extremely cracked.
96. Have him follow Joseph Buquet's weird parody of "Order your fine horses now..." (Written by Soupus Bloopin. May be seen later in "Random Ramblings of the Phantom of the Opera." It involves cutting one's hand off, trying to touch one's brain, etc...)
97. Sneak a snake into his pocket, put a vicious dog in front of him, and a large spider behind him.
98. Have someone inform him that he is, indeed, a FOP.
99. Repeat methods number 1, 25, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 46, 48, 66, and/or 82 as necessary to be effective.
100. Make him read all of these ways to potentially kill him so he becomes so paranoid that the next time he hears any loud, sudden noise, he will have a heart attack.
A/N: Well. That's the 100 ways we managed to scrape together.
As always, any comments, positive or negative, are always greatly appreciated!