"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live" - Norman Cousins
Hermione's P.O.V
My eyes pondered on the reflection , observing , taking in what I was seeing. A girl with light chestnut hair and eyes to match stared back. She had a slender body , which seemed to show in her dark fitted jeans and gray blazer. A pair of black flats were placed on her feet , showing her smooth , creamy-like skin. Her flawless face held no sign of emotion , her eyebrows were raised slightly but her lips settled into a pout due to her bottom lip being a bit bigger than her top. The hair was wavy and cascaded down her back , and fell in small curls once it reached it's ends. The outfit had no wrinkles. Her smooth face had no sign of emotion ; it was blank.
All except for her eyes. The only imperfection about the girl in the mirror was her eyes.
Betrayal and loss seemed to swirl around endlessly , a different mixture of brown for every emotion she felt.
The endless whirlpool of strong emotions seemed to lure me in , so I couldn't tear my eyes away. In one quick motion though I was transported back to my room. I took in my surroundings. There was no change in the last year. The same soothing lavender was painted on the wall , the same pile of books in the corner. Everything that I grew up with was so familiar, but yet , it was all so foreign and seemed so wrong. The place just didn't feel right without the shouts of my mother telling me to get down to eat breakfast or I'm going to miss the train , or the aroma of pancakes and bacon filling the house and my lungs. A lump welled in my throat knowing that I will never get to experience that again. Would never see my dad reading his newspaper while Mum cooks , and those late night talks over everything and anything. I choked back the tears and the lump , not ready to cry . Not ready to let him win.
I glanced at the clock and noticed it was 10:45. The Hogwarts Express would be leaving in 15 minutes. I took one last look around the place I could never again call home.
Not wanting to look at the remains of my childhood and my ruined life and family. I grabbed my trunk that carried the only belongings I had left and headed to Kings Cross Station for the last time, young and alone. I took off without another look back, a mask on my face and an unknown future ahead.
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"I saw it glitter as I grew, and love did what I never knew, I thought this place was heaven sent but now it's just a monument."
I landed in Kings Cross Station neatly, taking in my surroundings. I felt a pang as all around me had families; mothers and fathers saying goodbye to their children , siblings waiting to go next year, kisses and hugs. A swirl of colours surrounding me; red, black, gray, blond. The giant clock standing above the station ticked loudly ; an alarm singling that there was 5min left till the train left.
Children brushed of their parents , wanting to get on the train . First Years , looking excited , anxious , small , and nervous. Sixth Years , anxious but tried to cover it with boredom. Mothers , tearing up of having to say goodbye to their children. Siblings that were left behind waved frantic at their older brother or sister , waiting till it'll be there turn. Then there I was , alone , with a small trunk that held all my belongings , with no one to turn too , with no one to say goodbye for now. Because they were all already gone permanently.
I took a deep breath, not letting my wall down. One thing did stand above the rest, a patch of silver swaying in the breeze. I noticed he was doing the same as I, watching the families, observing. He turned around and that's when gray met brown. I fixed my gaze on his. No emotion flashed in his eyes. He gave a curt nod before continuing down and onto the train.
I took in my surroundings one last time before gracefully walking onto the train.
I began my journey to find an empty compartment , but each one was filled with a bunch of smiling teenagers catching up with their friends or nervous First Years trying to befriend people , hoping to find that special long time friend that they'll have all through their years at Hogwarts. I finally reached an empty compartment near the back of the train and sat down. I took out one of my favorite books, ' Pride and Prejudice '. I was deep into the book when the door slid open with a small creak. I glanced up to find the same deep smoky eyes and silver hair I encountered earlier.
"Malfoy?" I asked , preparing myself for the taunting coming from his lips and spat in her direction. Prepared to defend myself in whatever way. But nothing came, instead his voice spoke calmly into her direction.
"Hello Granger, can I sit here? All the other compartments are full," his voice echoed through the compartment. I stared blankly for a moment out of shock , blinking twice. He turned gracefully on his heel and was about to leave when I found my voice.
"Sure, sit, I don't mind."
I could tell it caught him off guard by the little flinch in his hand but his face didn't give it away. He nodded in what seemed like a thank you and proceeded to sit down on the other side. I couldn't help but look at him every few minutes , a strange wave of curiosity washing over me. His hair wasn't the neat gel-filled bob it was in our earlier years at Hogwarts. It seemed like he didn't do anything to it , but shaped his face much better. His face seemed to still hold its sharp features and all those Quidditch practices and games was evident in his lean body. He finally noticed me watching him and looked up from reading his book. We just stared at each other, but it wasn't the hate-filled glare we used to give. It was like we were absorbing each other curiously. For a brief second his mask fell, a mass of emotions, fear, confusion, sadness, curiosity. I noticed he was trying to read me. I felt my mask slipping away from my face slowly. I caught it just in time but he saw a glimpse. His eyes flickered with even more curiosity. My own were still heavily guarded.
I finally found my voice. "So, if you don't mind me asking, why pick this compartment?"
He didn't hesitate in responding. "The other compartments were full." Instead of a tone of sarcasm it sounded like the truth.
"Call me crazy, but I sort of got this crazy idea that you hated me." His mouth twitched slightly upwards in what I perceived as amusement.
"And why would you think that?" he asked.
"I don't know how I could possibly think that! The hate filled glares and snotty comments definitely didn't give that away." I replied, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
His lips began to form a smile. An actual, honest-to-god smile. He looked so different, carefree. I twitched my lips upward, still on my guard.
I suddenly blurted out. "Why did you hate me?"
His smile faded and he looked out the window. I didn't regret what I did, I wish I didn't say it so abruptly , he seemed ….. happy?
"You can blame my father for that," he said, his voice full of hate.
"He planted ideas in my head when I still didn't know right from wrong. Tricked me into a way of thinking that we were superior, then put my family in a plan and a life I never wanted, pissed of You-Know-Who, and forced me to do his dirty work, put our family in danger , and left me to pick up all the pieces to not get us killed." he spat venomously.
I couldn't help but look up at his face. His eyes filled with fury, the gray eyes that seemed a ease before , were now swirling in animosity.
"I hated you because of what I was taught by the hundreds of people in my family before me, to think that we were the superiors. It's hard to get over it," he whispered softly.
I stared at him, not knowing whether this was the true him, or I was being Punk'd?
"Couldn't you say no? You sure have a lot of pride, why not stand up for yourself instead of making my life a living hell?" I asked him.
"My family pride is inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. "
For the first time in a long time I let out a blurt of laughter, not a fake laugh to hide behind, but a real laugh. I was shocked because I honestly couldn't find what was so funny.
I guess I looked pretty funny because he smirked. I was finally able to control myself and looked at him curiously.
"What?" he asked casually.
"Oh, umm... nothing. It's just, I never thought that I would see the day me and you can act civil towards each other."
He barely shrugged, hinting that he wanted to drop the topic.
I looked down at the watch that my mother gave to me and noticed it was almost time to find the Prefect's cabin. I was standing up when Malfoy asked me where I was going.
"I'm Head Girl and need to find the other Prefects.
"Oh, well then, let me come with you."
"Why?" I asked cautiously.
"I'm Head Boy," he replied simply.
I felt my brain do a flip .How come I didn't notice before? There were only a couple of other Seventh years and of course he would make it since he's second in every class.
"Oh, well lets go." We scanned the compartments, I being in deep thought. Why was he being civil? I couldn't let my guard down I kept saying to myself, but I did. Just for a moment I let Malfoy see me. The real me. He didn't question it. I was thankful but curious. I decided to let the topic drop when we arrived at the compartment. I saw one 5th year Hufflepuff , a 5th year and 6th year Ravenclaw and a 6th year Gryffindor. I gave the typical Head Girl Speech while Malfoy nodded in all the appropriate places , filling in my gaps and adding a few words here and there.
"Okay, that's all. If you ever have a question, our door is always open," I added with a fake smile on my face. From the corner of my eye I saw Malfoy giving me a skeptical look. I brushed it off and dismissed it. After they all left Malfoy questioned me. "What's wrong?"
I tried to shrug it off as nothing but he didn't budge.
"That smile , that face , the way you talked , its not normal. You sounded like a robot. " I knew I let my guard down. I wasn't ready to fall just yet.
"And what do you know about me anyway? All these years you treated me like the crap you walk on and then once we act civil with each other, you pretend you know everything about me." I said , my voice raising a notch , but not alarmingly.
"News flash Malfoy, you don't. Nobody does. So I suggest you stop prying," I added in a calm voice, not letting my anger win.
He stared long and hard, trying to read me but I wouldn't let him. He simply nodded and walked out.
I sat down on the bench and just stared at nothing for a while. What could he want? What happened? Un-shed tears lay in my eyes but I refused to let them fall.
For the rest to the train ride I just stared into nothing, thinking about nothing. People walked by and nobody entered. When he left, It felt like he understood that I needed to be alone and I didn't need people prying. But how would he know what the pain feels like ? He doesn't .
Once we arrived at Hogsmeade Station I waited till everyone was unloaded and left , Draco was no where in sight. During the ride to Hogwarts , I realized that this was the last time I was heading on my way to Hogwarts , I just left the last train ride. 6 years of memories filled my mind , flashbacks and images dancing around. From the first time I met them on the train , to our ride on therestrals our Fifth Year .I looked up at the castle , it remained the same but I missed the comfort I usually got when I was there. The high dark walls and the memories that lay in the walls took away the comfort I once felt here one year ago , I would not believe that I was going to be entering Hogwarts by myself for the last time , with only memories left.
The carriage came to a stop in front of the large wooden Entrance Hall doors, that stood firmly between me and the place I once called home. Taking deepbreaths , I pushed the door open. The same dark walls were , the same ones I passed everyday to go to class , the ones where we crept along when we snuck out at night , and the same walls I used to laugh in , the walls that were once so familiar seemed so foreign. Something about seeing the walls and the corridors and just Hogwarts jerked me. I don't think I'm ready for this. I don't think I'm ready for the memories this place brings , all the lies and confusion. I don't think I could come back to this place without Harry, or another friend ; I have nobody. But it's too late. I'm here and I'm not going back , I can't. This is the only place I could go and I intend on making the most of it.
Too deep in thought , I didn't know I was shaking lightly , and I definitely didn't notice the pair of eyes that were observing me. With one foot in front of the other I walked into the Great Hall with all the confidence I could muster up. Taking a deep breath to calm me down , the doors swung open before I had the chance to open them. In front of me stood Neville and Luna. Neither of us knew how to respond so Neville gave me a sympathetic look before walking away and Luna looked at me with those dreamy eyes of her before speaking.
"I'm sorry for disrupting your thought Hermione. I'll just be on my way , have a good day." and with that , she walked behind Neville into the hallway ahead. Even they won't talk to me. They knew that all I was , was a mess.
The Great Hall looked exactly the same. Above me was the night sky being illuminated by the shines of the stars and the full moon. The four tables stood proud and larger , due to everybody having to repeat there year during the war. The Heads table stood lonely next to the teachers chairs on to the side.
I walked to the table , trying to ignore all the eyes that were on me. The Great Hall , went eerily quiet as I walked through the aisle, only the sound of soft owl hoots were heard ricocheting of the walls and the bottom of my shoes scraping the floor as I walked to the Heads Table. Pulling the chair out of the table sent a rickety noise through the hall ; students finally going back to what they were doing before. Small whispers turned into the usual roar of talking and laughter echoing the hall. All types of Spaghetti and sauces lay on the table in front of me. My stomach churned ; aching to try all the food that was being offered but I couldn't. My stomach may be asking for food , but I was denying it. A lump formed in my throat as memories of the traitor himself and Harry dug into the food during the opening feast. Trying to force back the lump in my throat ; tears welled up in my eyes but I blinked them back harshly. I became determined to remain strong , to much on the line for me.
The doors of the Great Hall swung open suddenly and out came a figure dressed in black , that stood out against his pale skin. The hair on my body stood up on end , the rest of my body tingling. The Great Hall went quiet for the second time in 30 seconds. He walked down the aisle with a sense of confidence, but not arrogance. He approached my table and sat down , never turning to glance at me once. Suddenly feeling sick , I got up and rushed out the Great Hall where I was met by a bunch of stares of the bewildered First Years and the fierce and pity glare of McGonagal.
The halls were quiet except the quite bustle of the portraits and the faint echo of the Great Hall.
On the top of the staircase I came across a portrait that caught my attention. There were 3 teens. They all looked so happy with their arms draped across each others back . A brunette in the middle and a redhead and a kid with piercing green eyes stood on either side of her , smile's plastered on their face like they didn't have a care in the world. A plaque on the bottom of the portrait read
Three of the bravest wizards in the Wizarding World.
Rage filled my body ; tears poured out, not holding back. They thought he was brave but all he is , is a coward. A coward. I felt sick all over again as I fast walked to the portrait leading into the Head's Dorm. The two original Heads were waving at me as I spoke the password in a choked voice. They looked confused but reluctantly let me in. I rushed up the dark staircase into what I assumed led to my dorm. I opened the door and heard it as it slammed roughly against the wall and again as I slammed it back into the doorway. I dropped down onto my bed , grabbed the blankets , and cuddled against them. Salty tears still pouring down my face and landing on my lips.
The place that once held so much comfort , and felt so much like home, felt foreign and strange.
Nothing was what it seemed and I found that thought disappointing. I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and horrible thoughts swimming around in my head , with no way to stop them.