If you were wondering, this is the reason why I haven't updated TBA. Okay, so I just want to say a few things before I actually let you read this songfic. It's pretty much in-character as far as needy Needy and narcissistic Jennifer are concerned, but of course there's always a back story to all of that and that's what I added here. I used the song Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park from their newest album Minutes to Midnight and I fully recommend you to download the song if you don't already have it. (= The way I interpreted the song is pretty blunt because the lyrics so match the theme of the songfic and I manipulated the order of the lyrics (like I usually do) so as to not repeat the chorus.
Summary: Jennifer decides she's done with killing people and decides to leave. Her last request is for Needy to remember the real Jennifer and not the demon inhabiting her body. The story is fast-paced and set over a single day wrought with so many emotions (angst included).
M for language, some smut, and adult themes.
Disclaim, disclaim, disclaim
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
Flash. "We interrupt this broadcast for an important announcement. Jennifer Check, aged 17 was reported missing early this morning. Police confirmed that evidence in the girl's bedroom spelled a struggle. At the moment, relatives are giving their testimonies and more updates—," the television zips then blacks out.
"Why did you turn that off? I was watching that, turn it back on!" You scream at the bartender, your eyes are wide with feral terror and anxiety.
"Sorry, kid. You better just keep safe out there, you hear? That girl's just one of the hundreds of kids that get raped, killed, kidna—," the old bartender aimlessly drones on and on while he wipes a couple of glasses with a dirty dishcloth.
"Shut up! That girl you're talking about happens to be my, my best friend!" You stutter before knocking the bar stool over—almost keeling over in tequila-induced nausea—and storm out of Melody Lane. Your hesitation precedes your feelings for the girl whose cheerleading solo picture you just saw on the TV before the scruffy man switched it off.
Before the swinging doors close, you perfectly hear the bartender mutter "sucks to be you, I guess," and there's no time to backlash at him as the doors finally seal shut in their grime-lined frames. You turn around, defenseless in your ratty sweater and jeans against the raging downpour whipping across the pavement, surrounding trees, and towering power lines. You didn't expect the rain because the weatherman predicted 'cool and dry' for the days to come. Hugging your sweater tightly to your body, you race towards your Sedan and nestle into the driver's seat, switching the engine on to get the heat going.
You can't explain why you saw me on the TV at Melody Lane, and you can't remember why you went there in the first place. You had just come from my house where we had an argument that threatened the foundation of our friendship, and love. As raindrops melt against your windshield, your vision clouds over and mists onto your face in the form of angry tears.
As you tuck your chin into the cleft of your drawn-up knees, you wish that you had never left my house. You wish that I hadn't been so cruel to others and maybe a search party would be conducted for me through the stormy weather. You wish that I should have professed my love, but then you quickly remember the very argument that had separated us tonight. You wish for many things…
Flash.
"Jennifer…where are you?"
"Jennifer…"
"Jennifer!" Needy whispered fiercely in the seat next to me. Her brow was knit with confusion as she leaned in and roused me from my nap
My head was resting in my palm and I jerked my legs under the table, accidentally banging my knee against it. Several heads turned our way and I embarrassingly glanced around before looking in front at Mrs. Goodman who was tapping her foot, expectantly.
"What the fuck?" I helplessly turned back to Needy, knowing that there was a question given by the teacher left unanswered by me.
"King Lear. King Lear." Needy whispered sideways at me.
I cleared my throat. "King Lear." I replied to whatever the hell Mrs. Goodman asked me with confidence in my stolen answer because Needy had a much higher grade point average than I had. I could have easily become a straight-A student but where's the fun in being a part of the nerd herd? It's social suicide and I'd rather be caught hitting a stoner's party and waking up the next morning naked and wrapped in some stranger's arms than hitting the books. I'm no slut, but I'm not a self-proclaimed bookworm either.
"Thank you, Ms. Lesnicki for filling in the void in which the slumbering Ms. Check resides." I was smart enough to understand the double meaning to the hateful hag's words, and I knew that she was calling me stupid. "Now Ms. Check, if you may kindly share to the rest of the class your interpretation of Shakespeare's intended message in King Lear's line?" She cocked her eyebrow at me. The bitch.
In my peripheral vision, I saw Needy visibly groan before shoving her open notebook towards me. Knowing that I got caught sleeping again, I didn't even bother to hide the fact that I was feeding off of Needy's endless supply of knowledge. Scrawled in her tiny, but cute handwriting were the words, "we will all laugh at gilded butterflies".
It was as if a light bulb was switched on in my brain. Once before, I had actually taken time out to do my own homework instead of having Needy do it and I read King Lear. I remember being so struck by that particular line that it wasn't difficult to give the hag what she was asking for.
"Gilded. It means like to make something all shiny and perfect, but it's really only plating for the outside. To hide something different, weak even. 'Gilded butterflies' obviously means fake people who put out a front but really are hiding something else." Pin-drop silence. I continued. "Gilded could also mean covered in blood, and King Lear was so angry at his greedy daughters—the one he was referring to as the butterflies—and his own blindness that he merely laughed in derision of his anger. But yeah, that's just my opinion. Gilded really means covered in gold, not blood. It's just that King Lear was really mad about his own stupidity about handling his own daughters. It's pretty fucked up, but I'm not stupid." I didn't want to stop talking about gilded butterflies but the deadpanned expression on Mrs. Goodman's face easily read her shock over my answer. God, I really am not stupid. I just hate answering stupid questions.
I crossed my arms over my chest and settled into my seat. Everyone continued staring at me, including Needy, and I gave them my signature 'yeah-I'm-Jennifer-Check-and-I-know-I'm-hot' look. The boys had their mouths open, salivating in their lust for me and the girls looked like they either wanted to strangle or be me. How pathetic. Before Mrs. Goodman could do anything even more mundane, the lunch bell rang and everyone blinked out of their stupor, gathering their things and filing out the door.
As I closed my binder and stowed it away in my bag, I stifled a yawn with the back of my hand. Needy walked over to me, looking concerned. "Didn't you get any sleep last night? You're looking less…Jennifer-y today."
"I'm still acting like a Jennifer, aren't I?" I didn't fully intend on snapping at her but fatigue was quickly overriding my system and while we walked out of the classroom, I remembered the dream. As I glanced over at Needy putting away her things in her locker, I felt an unfamiliar chill creep up my spine.
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
"Are you really okay?" After slamming her decrepit locker shut, Needy faced me and squinted her eyes at me. I sighed, knowing that there was no getting around that face with snide comments or easy sarcasm. It was the BFF look and for effect, the BFF necklace dangling from her neck glinted as she cocked her head at me.
"C'mon, don't look at me like that." I whined. I was tired and hungry, but I knew that I had to tell her about the dream. It wasn't a coincidence that I had that dream now, while I was on the fence about continuing my new… all-protein diet. After Low Shoulder aptly died in a stampede of teenage fans, Needy and I realized that there was no reversing the demonic transference that the faggot band performed on me. It took hours of arguing in her room over what I should do to sustain myself. Finally, we both compromised on a once-a-week cannibal fest up in the city where people would be less curious about mysterious disappearances of men who wouldn't even be missed. I thought that I would get used to feeding just once a week, but here I was nearing the end of the fifteenth week of my food regimen, and already I was feeling the weakening effects of not feeding. This included major skin breakout issues, hair breakage, and extra ounces of bitchiness. It's like PMS with carnage.
Needy blinked at me through her dorkified glasses (why she never wore the pair I bought her for Hanukkah flummoxes me) and I rolled my eyes before hooking my arm around hers. I pulled her closer to me so that other people wouldn't be able to hear what I was about to say.
"I had a dream." I began as we walked towards the cafeteria looming up ahead.
"Last night? Is that why you slept in English?"
"No, Sherlock. I had the dream during English."
"Oh," she replied dumbly.
"Yeah, well it was pretty fucked up." That didn't even cover it. The dream was worse than just 'fucked up' because it felt so real. Needy's panic and fear were my own and I felt like I couldn't breathe…
"Tell me about it," Needy rubbed my arm soothingly.
"I'm about to, so can you please shut your motor-mouth for a second?"
She rolled her eyes at me, looking all cute, but before I could think about how pretty she looked today in a purple, v-neck blouse, I recollected the dream. As we lined up in the cafeteria, I whispered to her all that I could remember from it, trying to include as much detail as possible.
"It was like I was you and I could feel everything. Sort of like that Freaky Friday shit, only it was just your body and I was just observing somehow. But I could feel you." I said as we sat down at our usual table near the window. The sky was really cloudy, like it was going to rain hard at any moment. The filtered sunlight gleamed through the window and shrouded Needy in a sort of grayish glow that enhanced the blueness in her eyes.
"What else happened?" Needy inquired.
"You know, you look really cute today." I gave her a flirty smile and continued to stare.
She scoffed but blushed nonetheless. "Jen, don't avoid the question. What else happened?" She continued to solemnly peruse me and I sighed. Playful Needy was out of the building.
"That's it." I muttered as I hazardously picked at Thursday's special. I wasn't actually going to eat it, though. I couldn't.
"Don't you realize that you've been having the same dream, or at least similar ones, all week? Is there something you aren't telling me?"
I looked up from the brownish-green goop in my tray. How could I tell her about my plan to just…stop eating? It was all so fucking confusing. If I stopped killing boys, then the demon in me would basically shrivel up and die, taking me along with it. Neither of us had wanted that but as of late, the thought of dying didn't seem to be so bad. The pain would go away; the guilt of killing innocent but stupid men. Having no one else to talk to about it besides Needy, and the constant lying behind everyone's back—basically faking everything—would just go away. But how could I stand to leave Needy? I would be dead and therefore unable to miss her, but she would. The thought of my best friend all alone had my heart crumbling into my empty, empty stomach.
"Needs, I-I'm planning on something."
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shed but I'm me
I could understand why she didn't understand me. What I didn't understand was why she had to stop speaking to me. Lunch was over and we had three more periods before school let out. We were on our way to Math class when I tried speaking to her.
"If you don't want to talk to me, fine!" I told her with a sneer on my face and enunciated the last word by banging my locker door shut. She all but ignored me, retrieving some things from her locker and casually waving at some other members of the nerd herd. She slammed her locker closed then turned her back on me, her long hair flipping into me as she traipsed to class.
"Needs, no wait, please talk to me!" I desperately called after her. People were rushing to get to class before the bell rang and I was against the current. My weak five-foot-four frame was no match against a sea of bodies, and I just couldn't concentrate when I was stuck in a middle of a crowd like that. Rubbing against human flesh released a delicious aroma that taunted me. I pushed through the crowd and raced after Needy. After catching up with her, I held onto her elbow and a thousand firecrackers in my head exploded in relief: she didn't pull away, that meant that she wasn't so angry with me, but she still ignored me.
I was given the silent treatment through Math and Home Ec. and the walk back to our lockers for the last period. Luckily, we only had afternoon homeroom left and the whole senior class was pitching in to help the dilapidated theater club in creating props and building sets for their upcoming, lame-o musical. Sneaking away from the gym where everyone was assembled would be easy.
As everyone in our class headed to the gym, I pulled Needy over into an empty hallway and pushed her into the recess between a row of lockers and a drinking fountain. If I stepped in closer to her, nobody would see us. As I did that, my refined hearing picked up a hitch in her throat before she cleared it. We stared menacingly at each other before my resolve broke down and I unwillingly began to cry.
"Needs, I need you with me on this. Why are you playing the mute role?" I didn't want to break through my tough exterior but Needy was the only person who deserved to see through it, and it was safe with her. We were totally alone anyway. What a weird, deserted hallway we were in.
She sighed and grabbed both of my hands that were resting against my sides. Bringing my fingers against her lips, she closed her eyes and exhaled deeply over my pallid skin, as if giving life to my frail fingers with her warm breath.
"I just needed to think, Jen. It was a lot that you were asking from me. Almost too much." Her eyes were still closed as she muttered against my fingers.
"I don't want to be bad anymore, Needy." I bent my head and whispered brokenly as the tears came faster. Then, she let go of my hands, almost throwing me off balance.
"You're not a bad person, Jennifer! Just probably a little bit misunderstood but still, you're like the best person I know, and this whole demon shit just got in the way of everything. Why are you giving up now? You were doing fine. We were doing fine. And you don't even know if this plan of yours is going to work! Running away and just...wait to die? Is that how you wanted to play it? We can take care of this together. W-what if the demon gets a hold of your soul and like forces you to feed it or something? You can't do this alone, Jennifer!" Needy's hands were wild with her emotion and her enraged eyes reflected it. Her skin flushed as she finished her tirade and she slumped back against the wall, giving me a pleading look.
I smiled weakly through my fading tears and rubbed her shoulders. "C'mon Needs, you're overreacting. I'm going to be fine."
"I know you're going to be fine!" She shot back, brushing my hands away along with the smile on my face. "But what about me?" Her voice broke and the tears resurfaced in both of our eyes.
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
Like piercing needles into my heart, her words stabbed me in a way that I didn't realize they could. I knew that after I would be gone, she would miss me yet because of her strong will, she would get over me and everything would be fine. But her words gave me a glimpse of a different, more terrified Needy. It was then that I realized that she needed me just as much as I needed her but I was too ignorant and preoccupied with my own issues to notice that my flawless, straight-arrowed Needy was jaded like me.
I didn't know how to respond to that so instead I reached out and pulled her into my embrace. Our faces were nuzzled into each other's necks and we were perfectly content with just holding each other. We didn't say anything, but really, my mind was reeling with panic. I was pretty set on my decision but I needed to make sure that Needy agreed with me. I may have been high school's most popular and confident girl but it was all just…gilded. I needed her faith in me or else I wouldn't be able to pull through with anything.
"What do you want me to do?" I pulled away enough to face her. We looked into each other's eyes before hers darted towards my lips.
"Kiss me." Her breath fanned across my lips and I didn't hesitate to close the distance between us.
Because our lips were already parted when they met, it didn't take long to deepen the kiss. Her hands roamed over my body while mine remained clutching her shoulders. As our tongues met, she placed one hand over my jaw and the other splayed across my hip. I heard myself moan as I freely gave myself away to the emotions cascading around us.
It wasn't as if we hadn't done this before. Girls get curious, and during one of our sleepovers, we decided to experiment. Girls' lips really were different than boys in that they were plumper and softer. Needy's lips, my God, her lips were the best pair I had ever tasted. Even after our first kiss, I had sort of craved to kiss her again just to savor the feeling of her delicious lips against mine. Eventually, I had gotten my chance when she went out on her first real date with one of the band geeks. Though I was blatantly abhorred by her choice of date, she seemed really happy—and desperate to have me teach her how to French. In the end, it was a win-win scenario.
We kissed in the hallway for a long time before I heard shuffling and increasing noises coming from the intersecting hallway. Our lips disconnected with a satisfying, wet sound as we opened our eyes at the same time. Before anyone could witness our little intimate moment, I quickly extricated myself from Needy's arms and smoothed out my clothes.
"Let's go." I held out my hand for her to take and we walked out to the nearest exit. She always rode home with me and we would usually talk about boys or school or comment on the song playing on the radio, but this ride was dead silent. Because Needy knew that I was feeling progressively weaker, she wordlessly took my keys from me and opened the passenger seat's door for me. Our short but intense makeout session left me feeling even more exhausted and I slumped into the seat after buckling in. Neither of us was willing to break the stillness because the tensions were just too high. So many inexplicable things happened today and we both knew that it was only the beginning.
Ten excruciatingly long minutes later, we were pulling into the curb in front of my house. She opened the door for me again and helped me climb out. When I stood up, my head flooded and I felt instantly woozy. Instinctively, her grip tightened around my arms as she led me towards the house. My mother was never home in the afternoon so we never had to worry about parental control. Usually, she would just leave me an envelope of money on the counter. This was sort of the extent of our communication and when I took the envelope, it was validation to her that I was still alive.
When we got to my bedroom, Needy plopped me onto the bed and sat down beside me, still unspeaking. I looked at her from where my head was buried in my pillow; the sun's rays cast a horizontal blaze of pastel sunset colors into my bedroom. From when basked in the filtered sunlight of the cafeteria, Needy was the cold, beautiful angel. Now, with her body blocking out the sun, she was a warm silhouette leaning over me, protecting me like a savior would. If she only knew how much she truly meant to me.
"Hey," I called out weakly. I snaked my hand over the covers and placed it on her thigh, rubbing softly. "Why so serious?" I brokenly chuckled at myself but my laughter was cut short.
"What do you want me to do when you leave?" There was no pain or remorse in the question. She was serious in the way she looked at me and I knew that I had finally won her over to the dark side, in whatever way I did.
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
I sat up against my head board and drew my knees towards my chest. I didn't actually expect her to be in this with me so I had nothing to say at first. I thought quickly. When I disappear, a million questions would pop up; where did I go? how did I disappear? am I alive or dead? Though I didn't want Needy to be in any way implicated in the event of my departure, I needed her to take care of a few things.
"Well, you have to always be there for my mom. I know that we never really see her but she sort of treats you like part of the family, and she's going to need somebody." I spoke quietly. I felt like I was giving instructions to my undertaker. No, sir, I would like to be cremated…I want my wake to last for only three days and my funeral must be a closed ceremony…I want orchids…
With her head slightly bent, she nodded solemnly. I really didn't want to be doing this right now, but I knew that I had brought this upon both of us. If I hadn't thought about even approaching Low Shoulder that fateful night then none of this would have ever happened to us. They would have hunted for another 'virgin' to offer to the devil.
"And…you can't tell anybody, okay? I don't really want you to lie—just don't say anything to anyone."
She nodded again. Her hair fell over the sides of her face so I couldn't see her expression but the tear stains on her jeans was enough.
I quickly scooted over to her on the edge of the bed and nudged her so that she sat between my extended legs. I raked my fingers through her hair so that I could see her face. Angry tears formed rivers down her cheeks that met at her chin. The moment I brushed away her hair, her shoulder began to shudder as she hiccoughed.
"Needy, baby? I thought you were going to be okay…"
She shook her head slowly and leaned into my chest, hugging my tightly. "I'm not going to be okay. I'm not going to be okay." She repeated herself over and over and I all but willed myself not to cry. It was all too much.
"People hate you," I heard her mutter against my skin. Her tears dampened my shirt but I could care less; instead, I held her even tighter. What she said might have affected me in junior high, when I was too insecure to even breath in the same atmosphere as my admirers and haters, but in time I learned to be more comfortable in my own skin. Just not comfortable enough.
"I already know that, Capt'n Obvious. What's your point?"
"My point is that exactly! Jen, no one knows you like I do." By this point, she was facing me with her hand placed against my cheek. "They don't know who you really are or what you could be. All they'll remember is the, the evil bitch in high school that they used to dream of butt naked over hot coals!"
Despite all the stress we were under, I couldn't help but giggle a little. She looked at me like I was bound for the psyche-ward. Maybe I was, but then it would already have been too late.
"Then tell them about me," I said while absently twirling the ends of Needy's long hair around my finger.
"What?" She sniffled.
"I don't know why I put up a front anyway. I guess I'm just scared, but if it makes you happy, tell people how actually un-evil I was." I had to get used to referring to myself in the past tense.
I only wanted Needy to be happy; I wasn't the best person in the world, but I really wasn't the worst either. People only see what they want to see because they prefer the truth to be shoved up in their asses where it would be buried deep in shit.
"They aren't going to believe me."
"I don't care if they do or don't. Should you? What's going to matter is that you told them."
"Jen, this is too crazy." She got up off the bed and walked over to the window where the image of the fading sun was captured perfectly in my two by four window frame. I sighed as my gaze followed her movement towards it. Then, I realized that she couldn't be seen in my room at this time. Talk about being at the scene of the crime.
"Needy, stay away from the window." I said softly as I rolled over to the other side of the bed and walked up to her. I shut the curtains, leaving the room in total darkness. Blinking to adjust my eyes, I felt around for Needy and when I brushed her arm, she jerked away from my grasp.
"Needy," I didn't want to go over it again. Hunger was quickly descending upon me and I was having a hard breathing.
She didn't answer me but I heard some shuffling before the bed creaked. I crept over to my bedside table and switched the lamp on. Needy was curled up on my side of the bed, facing the door. I crawled in beside her and propped up my elbow so that I could rest my head in my palm. Needy's eyes were closed when I peek over her shoulder. Then I began to massage her hair, smoothing it out from her scalp up to the ends. She loved it when I did this for her and almost instantly, her shoulders slackened and her breathing pattern relaxed.
"I hate you." She muttered before stifling a moan. I simply smiled, knowing that she was enjoying this. I didn't have enough time (or energy) to show her what she truly meant to me so I had to be satisfied with this simple act that I had been doing ever since our very first sleepover.
"I don't want you to leave. I'll hate you forever if you do." She sounded almost sleepy and I wondered if she was dreaming or something.
"Needs, I—,"
"I don't want to forget any detail about you. I don't want to forget anything. Please, don't leave." She whispered the last words as she turned to face me.
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
I opened my mouth but no words came out even as I shook my head slowly, trying to jostle out the words that she needed to hear. Just then, she leaned up and took my lips with hers. Instinctively, I held her against me but then my brow furrowed in confusion.
"Needs, what are you doing?" I muttered in between kisses. This was so real. It didn't even matter that we were both girls, or that we never spoke of this before. We always just let it happen because it just felt so real and right. She was relentless in her excavation of my mouth with her tongue as she shifted our bodies so that mine nestled perfectly under hers.
"Needy," I found the strength to push her away enough to make her stop kissing me as much as I wanted her to continue. We were both panting and my eyes glanced from her blue eyes down to her swollen lips and back.
She shook her head pleadingly. "Please, I don't want to forget." She whispered before kissing me soundly on my lips then trailing open-mouthed kisses over my chin, jaw, and neck. I understood completely; our moments like this that we never really talked about were what she wanted to remember the most. And I couldn't blame her; every time we joined together like this our muted passion for each other unleashed and grew fiercer with every encounter.
We'd never really gotten so far as to having sex but feeling as Needy desperately touched and kissed my body, she wasn't thinking twice about it. She ventured lower onto my body, raising my shirt up over my chest to expose my bra and abdomen. The sudden cold air raised goose bumps over my skin, causing me to whimper a little bit. I clutched Needy's shoulders as she began licking and kissing between my breasts. Her fingers traced the sides of my stomach and I bit my lip to keep from moaning.
I glanced down at her and touched her cheek to get her to look at me. "Needs, we can't." This was all I could say because I didn't want her to stop. My body wouldn't be able to handle all the energy but I just couldn't stop…
"Please give me just this," she sighed before delving deeper down my body. I don't have enough strength for this, I had wanted to say but the supplicating expression on her face implored me enough.
Then her fingers started working around the button of my jeans before popping it open. She pulled them down, bringing my underwear along with my jeans. The cold air was uncomfortable against the almost stifling heat between my legs and I hissed as Needy's cold hands rubbed against my inner thighs.
"Needy," I whimpered. I had wanted to please her as well, but my muscles started to shiver with exhaustion coupled with the pleasure that she was giving me. I hooked my fingers through the straps of her tank top to pull her up to me so that I could do the only thing I could do which was to kiss her hard.
We simultaneously moaned as our mouths and tongues connected. Vaguely, I felt her fingers drift towards the ache between my legs and I hissed loudly as her cold finger sizzled in my heat. I broke the kiss and whimpered as I bit my lip. Because my head tilted to the side, Needy began to kiss the column of my neck. I gripped onto her shoulder and the sheets beside me as she rubbed the sensitive top of my sex. My toes curled as my legs tangled themselves around hers.
"Needs, I-I can't. I can't," I moan as the pressure built in my abdomen, ready to release with a primal need. She rubbed me harder and tried to enter a finger in me but I shook my head. If she gave me any more jolting pleasure then I'd have died right then and there. Instead, I snaked my fingers down to join hers and pressed them into my clit, causing my eyes to roll back into my head.
As I continued to whimper, I felt her watching me steadily, as if she were trying to memorize even the way I orgasmed—which would happen anytime now. She still occasionally kissed my neck and lips and any available skin but her eyes still held their gaze on me. I opened my mouth wider and bucked my hips into hers as my impending release sped faster inside of me. I opened my eyes and pleaded.
"Needy, too much—I can't…" I was hoping that she would understand me. My body couldn't take a huge orgasm with my depleting energy so instead of speeding up her ministrations on me, she settled for massaging my bundle of nerves until I climaxed gently, if it were ever possible.
It felt so good, almost as good a huge climax, and I tried to open my mouth and say that it did but no words came out. I pressed my forehead into hers as I shivered with the calm, almost soothing release she coaxed out of my weak body. I panted heavily on her lips as she kissed me, snaking her tongue into my mouth. After it was over, she moved her hand away from me to allow me to catch my breath.
While I panted, she spread small kisses over my lips, neck, and chest. I moved my body enough to slip into the covers and I gestured for her to come join me under the blanket. She rested her head on my chest and intertwined her fingers and legs with mine. Whatever time it was, we had fallen asleep.
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
I woke up with a cold sheen of sweat filming my entire body. For some reason, Needy was too deeply asleep to even notice. Her head on my chest suddenly became too heavy and my short breaths indicated that it was almost time, that I would die soon because I wasn't feeding. Feeding… Needy's aroma rapidly invaded my nostrils and I actually salivated at her scent. I felt my hands grip her arms tighter as my head arched towards her neck; I wasn't in control of my body at that moment and everything in my mind began to haze into each other as her delicious scent spurred me on. I quietly groaned as I tried to get a hold of my real self enough to climb out of the bed.
I was beginning to experience double vision and I knew that my 'predator eyes' were surfacing. My pupils were reduced to snake-like slits that allowed me to see clearer in the dark room. Needy was still peacefully asleep and totally unaware that I was literally centimeters away from ripping her head off. Resolutely, I pressed into myself and peeled the covers off of our bodies. My hands shook as I moved Needy onto the pillow beside me. She stirred a little bit but nestled into the pillow, thinking that it was still my body.
After seeing that, my body stilled. That little insignificant motion was enough to bring me back to who I was. I grabbed my discarded jeans from the floor and tugged them on while keeping an eye on Needy in case she woke up. When I finished, I smoothed my hair back and just sort of, hesitated standing there in my room. I knew that it was time to leave but I suddenly felt like I couldn't move. I fiddled nervously with my fingers as I moved closer to Needy, unsure of what to do. Should I wake her up and bid goodbye? I wanted to be able to hear her voice one last time before I left, but it would have been selfish of me to wake her up only to have her watch me depart.
Instead, I knelt beside the bed and rested my head on the back of my hand as I just stared at her. To my surprise, Needy may have looked peaceful in her sleep but the deep, purplish circles ringing her eyes were emphasized in the faint moonlight. Her skin looked almost as pale as mine and she just looked tired. I realized that in all the time that we had spent together, most of it was devoted to me and all my demonic problems. Sure, she had her input in the relationship but because my dilemmas outweighed hers, the focus was usually on me and she always helped me bear the pain.
Now, it was totally evident in her face that all this time, she was hurting too but I was too self-absorbed to notice it. She truly loved me and because she did, she never spoke a word but simply showed that she cared for me through the little, 'Needy' things she did. I suddenly felt so angry with myself and I wanted to turn back time to give Needy the love she deserved.
Sucking my breath, I leaned in and kissed her softly on the forehead. It was the closest I could get to communicate my unspoken love for her and I hoped that when she woke up, she would feel the same fuzzy warmth I experienced with every laugh, tear, and touch of her hand.
I crept across the room and opened the window. A chilly breeze wafted towards me, beckoning me to jump from my window into the vast darkness that I belonged to.
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
It was always her.
She always thought that I had saved her from alone, from being just the nerdy kid.
But she was wrong. She never really was just the nerdy kid. She saved me. I anchored myself to her because she was the only person I could trust my life with.
In more ways than one, she saved me.
I'll never be able to say how much I love her, but I hope that she knew I did.
I can't be who you are
I woke up and Jennifer was gone. She wasn't on the bed beside me nor was she in the room. The only tell tale sign that she'd passed through was the window that was open. The curtains swayed softly in the wind and my heart clenched tightly in my chest. I should never have fallen asleep! Stumbling out of the bed, I raced towards the window hoping to find her somewhere outside but it was too dark to see anything, the streetlights weren't even lit on her street.
I gripped the window sill and broke down crying on the floor. I twisted around as I tucked my knees into my chest and banged my head against the wall. I would never get to see her again, touch her again. I knew that it was inevitable but I didn't anticipate the wrenching pain inside like something was ripped out of me. Did she really think that I would be able to survive without her?
It could have been hours before I finally stopped crying enough to hear lazy footsteps across the hall. Jennifer's mom was home and I realized that I had to get out of there. When I heard her bedroom door shut, I staggered out of the room, looking back one last time before padding down the stairs and out the door.
The air was frigid cold but it did nothing to soothe the searing pain in my chest. I vaguely remembered that I had driven there in Jennifer's car so my only option was to walk home.
While I walked, the only thoughts racing in my head were variations of Why did she have to leave? Didn't she want to say goodbye? I hugged my sweater tighter to my body as the temperature decreased even more into the night. My eyes were focused on my feet crunching on dead leaves until the pavement grew more visible, brighter.
My head shot up and I realized that I had walked myself over to Melody Lane, the only bar in the county. Without thinking why I had brought myself there, I walked up to the door thankful that the usher let me in. Before I had walked deeper into the bar, he grabbed my hand and drew an 'x' over my skin and I felt close to vomiting. Oh Needy, I'm crossing you out. I bit my lip to refrain from bursting into tears. The surly usher gave me a quizzical look but gestured me to get inside so that he could close the door.
I sat myself down on the almost empty bar. Only two other men were there; one was passed out a couple chairs away from me and the other was pointing at nonexistent things in the air, obviously high off of something. I silently wished to feel like he did. Being able to just let go and forget everything even for a few hours must feel great.
"What can I get you, beautiful?"
My head shot towards the scruffy bartender. "Huh?"
"I said what can I get you? A beer or something?" He looked at me as if I didn't know what to do at a bar and he gestured towards the half empty liquor bottles displayed behind him.
"Uhm, I don't really feel like drinking anything, tonight."
"Well, this is a bar, honey. Either get drunk or get out." He snapped at me. He obviously had a long day and his exhaustion was evident in the creases of his roughened face.
"Fine, I'll have a beer." He produced a bottle from underneath the counter and popped the cap off with a bottle opener. The foam spewed out over the counter, but neither of us moved to clean it up. I brought the bottle up to my mouth as he walked away just to make him leave me alone but I didn't drink it. I felt like I couldn't take anything into my system because everything just felt so raw.
In the distance, the TV over the bar was tuned into the late night news channel that was currently flashing high school photos of girls that had been reported missing and investigators suspected a serial rapist. I vaguely wondered why so many girls could go missing while I twirled the beer bottle around on the stained counter.
My thoughts revolved around what had happened on this long day. Jennifer leaving, Jennifer crying, Jennifer talking about the dream. The dream. I was at Melody Lane with a scruffy, brusque bartender and a flat-screen tuned into news about missing girls. This couldn't be happening, I thought as my heart sped up with dread.
All week Jennifer had been telling me about a recurring dream that she was having, but it was only today that I realized something serious was going on. How could I have been so obtuse about the whole situation? If I had found some answers to her dream sooner then she might not have even left. She made the decision to disappear all on her own and if before I thought of it as foolish and unnecessary, now I just admired her for being so brave and strong to fight alone. I realized then that I could never be like her, so strong and fearless. I was just Needy, and that's all I would ever be without her.
The bartender switched off the TV. "You better just keep safe out there, you hear? Those girls are just some of the hundreds of kids that get raped—,"
"Killed or kidnapped. Yeah, I know." I finished for him. The dream was real. I took a real swig out of my beer while the bartender gawked at me, glass and dirty rag in hand. I shrugged at him and threw some money on the counter before screeching my bar stool back. I walked out of the bar and puffs of smoke appeared as I exhaled.
I stood out on the sidewalk for a long time before it got unbelievably colder as rain began to drizzle from the sky. I pulled my sweater over my head; this time, I would be prepared for the rain.
I can't be who you are
Now that this is off my chest, I'm going to continue To Be Anything. Stay tuned for more! If you have any thoughts at all, please review. (=