Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.
I don't know what this is. I was reading Palahniuk and...this happened.
"It's you and I against the world." She used to say.
But now that it was only him, he didn't want to take on the world. He wanted to cower away like children did at the simplest spark of thunder. He wanted to surrender everything that he had ever gained and throw it up to the cruel creator of his problems. But he couldn't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, he was the creator of his problems. Or maybe, it was just life and the weird turns it takes. But mostly, he wants to believe that it's her fault. That it's her fault that he's so messed up and can't see straight.
Elijah Goldsworthy used to believe that the world was good. That people would care and love and not...die. But a dose of realty had been shoved down his throat and he had realized that people suffer and die and weep, and he couldn't do anything about it. And then, he was directly affected by the epidemic of pain. It hit him with a cold slap in the face and a whipping for good measure. Days and days were spent in his bed, aching and breaking everything he had once believed in. He had always underestimated the idea of pain. Before, it seemed almost trivial to think about. Almost...stupid to think about.
Then he met Clare Edwards. She was so pure and for once, by just her touch, he felt like he actually meant something. That he was worth living. She smiled like the sun and that was the only thing that he could see. She went on urban adventures with him and he told her about Julia and how sometimes, when the moon would fall down, suicide became just another possible thought. She invaded his system and wrapped him around her finger and picked him up to see the world, but then she dropped him and he became best friends with the underworld of pain.
He's about one hundred and forty feet away from the ground. That number seems like a lucky number and he smiles to himself, because he knows that soon, he'll become just another number in the amount of suicides. He'll just be a number in the waste of teenage hearts, and he can't help but like that thought. No one will remember him. He's Elijah Goldsworthy. He scares everyone because of his scowl and his tendency to be a bit unbalanced. They fear him and because of that, he won't be missed. Maybe a few will come to his funeral, maybe a couple will cry, though that'll be all for show. Eli knows that even in the darkest of times, people are still as shallow as they were in the light.
As he looks down at the ground, he worries about what will happen if Clare Edwards comes to his funeral. If she'll remember dropping him in a blink of an eye. He wants to know if she'll cry or even know that he's doing this for her-because of her. He wants her to know that this day would have happened sooner or later, he's damaged, you see. He needs her to remember that he loved her and still does and that she's the only person that could have made survive this long. Her "Us against the world" helped him more than she would have thought. Even when he's on the verge of dying, he doesn't and couldn't hate her. Part of him wants her there with him, so they could fly away to death like helpless lovers.
Eli has an itch to jump, but he knows that he has to wait for the bus to come and drop her off. He wants her to see his last seconds and to know that it's all for her and it will always be for her. She needs to know.
He thinks about his parents and Adam. He wants to imagine that they'll go on with life. He wants to pretend that they'll smile every time they think of him, or they'll at least giggle at the crazy kid that he could be. He doesn't want to hurt them, but the distance from him to death is so close and he can't turn it away. He wants to start a new beginning, though; he's not sure where it starts. He wants the start of death and end of life.
Vultures circle around him and they know. They know that he's going to die and they want to take the first bite at him. He wants to welcome them right now, but he's waiting for her, but he wants them to come after and enjoy the feast. He looks down at the ground and he laughs because the janitors don't notice him. And he knows that even if they did, they wouldn't care. He's crazy. Who cares about the crazy people, they'll just die anyway. Eli twists his head up and looks for the birds because he knows that they know how he feels, but when he tries to find them, they aren't there. And he laughs. Just like most things, he probably imagined them.
He feels around his pocket to check if he has the note. It only has a five words, but he knows that five words are enough. When he can't find it, he concludes that the vultures took it. But when he checks in his back pocket, he can feel the folded piece of paper and he reminds himself that the vultures weren't real. Though, another voice in his head argues and tells him that maybe they are real and they live and feed from his head.
The boy wants the note to fall down after him so she can see it and read and know what he's talking about. He doesn't want the police to read it first, because they won't understand. But she will. She always did.
The creek of the bus is heard and his mind is swirling and he wants to laugh when she travels down the steps. He knew the she'd be here, spending her Saturday in school, tutoring students. That's so Clare and he feels a sense of pride when she smiles, waiting for her student outside of the school.
Just like he planned, he let go of the paper, letting the ripped loose-leaf paper fall swiftly through the air, making its way to the ground. Eli has never been so jealous of something. He can't wait to fly down with the vultures and have them next to him, carrying him to the beginning. But when the devil-like wind captures the paper, Eli cries out in anger. She has to see it. He wants her to know. He wants the note to give her hope, just like they did to him. But he knows that can't happen, because people see him and they're pointing. She's pointing and he can see her squint. He squints back at her and he wants to tell her that he loves her, but he can't. He needs to jump.
As he's falling through the air, he feels lighter than ever before. Maybe it's because her voice is the only one that he can hear, though he's probably imagining it, and her face is the only one that he can see. He's being twisted and morphed in the air like a puppet and the vultures are pushing him down and they called dibs on him, making him cackle. Elijah Goldsworthy can only hope that the note will make it to her someday. Whether it be in note-form, or by someone who will love her like he does. He wants her to know that she can make it through and the world can't win against her, because she's Clare Edwards. He knows that this will change her and everyone he knows. He knows that things will change.
He knows that everything will change.
..The second part will be up this week.
Review, please? Tell me your thoughts.