The look on Castle's face at the end of "Countdown" broke my heart. So I wrote an end to the episode that was much more satisfying to me, which takes place a day after Castle pulled the wires from the bomb. My story was inspired in part by a tweet from Richard Castle's Twitter account. Hope you like this. Comments and reviews welcome.
When One Door Closes . . .
Castle sat on the last stool at the end of the bar at The Old Haunt. He held up his tumbler of Glenlivet to his bartender, Louie. "Cheers, my friend," he said. "It's not every day one gets to save the world."
Louie clinked his glass of Red Truck against Castle's single malt scotch. "Gotta give you credit, boss," Louie said after he took a swig of his beer. "Takes nerves of steel to diffuse a bomb like that."
"Either that, or inhuman amounts of stupidity."
Once the amateur videos from bystanders were posted on YouTube yesterday, the media swarmed in—press conferences with the mayor and the police commissioner, interviews with Castle, Montgomery, Fallon, Esposito, Ryan, and Beckett. It had been an exhausting forty-eight hours. After all the excitement, though, Castle felt the need to celebrate in some way. So this morning, he e-mailed everyone at the 12th Precinct to head over to The Old Haunt after work. Drinks on me, he wrote. To Beckett, he added: Bring Josh, too.
While he felt elated about helping to stop the terrorists, he also still felt a deep sense of sadness and some leftover anger. When those elevator doors closed, he saw a barrier between him and Beckett. Josh was making an effort to be there for her. "Now we have a chance," Castle remembered her saying as she walked to Josh after their rescue from the freezer.
Castle could have admitted his love for her, had several opportunities to say it to her face, but each time he hit a wall and couldn't break through. Was it bad timing? Fear that she would reject him and then lose her friendship altogether? Worry that she too would leave him for someone else? He didn't know, and he was angry at himself. As someone who creates complex characters and expertly explores their motivations, he was unable to understand his own behavior.
He was considering taking a break from shadowing Beckett, give her some room to figure out what she wanted. He needed to make some headway on Heat Rises. Maybe this was the time. Why does this feel like Demming déjà vu? he thought.
Whatever his decision, tonight he welcomed the party as a way to put the anger and sadness at a distance. Even Meredith was back in town, and it was always fun to see her. After she had heard the news of the near-attack, she called Alexis out of concern. Then, never one to miss even a slim chance of publicity, she boarded the first flight from Los Angeles to New York. She was also meeting her latest love, a casting director, in the city, so a relieved Castle knew her visit would be brief.
An hour later, The Old Haunt was packed with police officers, detectives, administrators from the mayor's office—two and three deep at the bar. Castle, as host, visited with everyone who came in, making sure their glasses were filled and the food was plentiful. His friends from the 12th, as well as Jenny, had settled in to one of the booths across from the bar, where Beckett stood nearby.
"Castle, this is so generous of you, really," Beckett called to him as he came closer to the group.
"Happy to do it. Happy to be anywhere, really," he said, smiling as everyone laughed. "No Josh tonight?" Castle asked her, noticing his absence.
"He has an early surgery tomorrow, but he thanks you for your bravery."
"Just another day, really," he said, a silly grin on his face. "Hey, anyone see the mayor—"
"Richard! Richard!"
Through the crowd, Castle could make out flashes of red hair and lips. With Alexis and Martha in tow, Meredith strutted toward him.
"Oh, I'm thrilled to see you, Richard. It's a wonder that you're in one piece." She kissed him lightly on the lips and surrounded him with a hug. "Hello, everyone. Just arrived from LaGuardia," she said as she broke away from Castle's arms. "So good to see you all again. We all owe you a debt of gratitude for saving our city." She blew kisses at Ryan, Montgomery, and Esposito and clasped hands with Beckett, who was standing next to her.
Castle kissed his daughter and mother, then said, "Martini, Meredith?"
"Of course. Anything to eat? They don't give you much on the plane these days."
As the party continued, Castle kept the group entertained with stories of his early writing successes and life with Meredith, which she listened to and chimed in with good humor. After a couple of hours, Beckett and Meredith, who was by then on her third martini, found themselves sitting together at the bar.
Meredith sighed. "Biggest mistake I ever made," she said, looking at Castle as he walked toward the door to greet the mayor, who had just arrived.
"You mean marrying him?" Beckett asked.
"No! Cheating on him. That director . . . What was I thinking, having an affair with him? I mean, I got the part, but I lost a husband."
Meredith's words stunned Beckett for a few seconds. Then she asked, "Was he cheating on you?" and held her breath.
"No. Just my own self-absorption once again doing me in."
"Oh." Beckett's mind raced around this revelation. Finally, she asked, "How did he take it?"
"Pretty bad, actually. He sunk himself into his work—and caring for Alexis. For years, he always used his sense of humor to deflect a lot of the pain I had caused him." Meredith paused, then said, "It was not my finest moment."
Beckett felt the hairs prickle on the back of her neck. So that's how it ended. Castle must have been devastated, she thought. And how often had he joked about himself or a situation to avoid discussing something important? She stared at him as he continued to banter with the mayor and his entourage on the far side of the room. She thought she had Castle figured out. Maybe her fear of being hurt was blocking her judgment.
#####
The crowd thinned out after midnight. Beckett, Esposito, and Lanie, who came late, remained for one last round. Castle, spotting them at the end of the bar, came to join them. "Good party?"
"The best," Esposito said, giving him a low-five, "especially when you live to see another day."
"I wouldn't say that with such certainty, Esposito. Aren't you going home by cab?"
"Yes, and don't jinx us, Castle," Lanie said with a smirk on her lips "Just in case, I think I'll put on my seatbelt tonight for the ride home."
Castle looked at Beckett. "Can I talk with you for a minute?"
"Sure," she said as he led her to one of the back booths.
"Maybe this will be their breakthrough, Javi," Lanie whispered, her eyes following them.
"I don't think so. Not from what I saw after we found them in the freezer." He swallowed the last of his beer. "Josh was at the scene."
"What? I thought he was on his way to—"
"Yeah, we all did. But there he was. And she looked pretty happy about it."
Castle gazed at Beckett, then looked away and took a deep breath. "I can see that you've made up your mind about Josh, and I don't want him to get the wrong idea about me . . . us. I mean, there is no 'us' really, only . . . you know . . . partners. You two need some breathing room. So I thought, given that situation and all the intensity of the past few days, I thought maybe it would be a good time for me to take a break from you, from following you."
She closed her eyes, trying to process what he just told her. The memory of Memorial Day weekend pierced her heart. "Um . . . OK. Yeah, it has been pretty rough this past week." She looked down and fiddled with a napkin on the table. "Take the time you need. A couple of weeks, maybe?" She was fishing.
"Well, that depends on what happens. I'll call you in a couple of weeks, say, see what's going on. Go from there. OK?"
"Sure." Beckett offered him a thin smile. "Don't be a complete stranger, though. Come around when you want to get away from writing. Everyone missed you last summer, you know."
"Thanks. We'll see what happens."
Beckett shared a cab home with Lanie and Esposito. She thought it only courteous to let Esposito know of Castle's plans, so she told them the news.
Lanie looked at Beckett and said, "I hear Josh is still in town."
"Yes," Beckett said, keeping her gaze on Esposito. "It will give us a chance to connect and see where it leads us."
Lanie was silent for a minute, narrowed her eyes, and said, "So, let me understand this: someone saves your life numerous times, gives you money to help solve your mother's murder, establishes a scholarship in her name, looks at you like there is no other woman on earth, and you think of that someone only as a friend. Is that how it is with you and Castle?"
"Yes," Beckett replied, turning her face toward the cab's window. Her mind was still reeling from her conversation with Meredith, and now Castle's announcement confused her even further.
"Girl, you are lying to yourself."
"Lanie, stop," said Esposito, grabbing her hand.
"OK. That's all I'm saying," said Lanie. "That doctor may love you, but I guarantee he won't be there for you when you need him most."
Beckett had no answer. She kept looking at the streetlights, blurred by her tears as the cab sped by.
#####
Over the next two weeks, it was business as usual at the precinct. But with Castle gone, the work became routine, and no one was particularly happy. "Ryan, where are those fingerprint files on the Russo case?" Beckett shouted.
"I sent them for processing a couple of hours ago. I'll get them soon. You already know there's a backlog."
"I'm not in the mood for excuses," she hissed, heading for her third cup of coffee before ten o'clock.
Ryan glanced at Esposito. "When did Castle say he's coming back?" Ryan whispered. "I can't take much more of her bad behavior."
"He didn't, bro," Esposito replied. "I hope we can all survive. She even snapped at Lanie yesterday."
Since the party, Beckett had visited Lockwood twice in prison, hoping to squeeze some information out of him regarding her mother's case. In exchange for the possibility of her putting in a good word to the prison authorities for his help on the case, he gave her a couple of small clues. The usual city caseload was heavy, and with Castle away, she passed some of Lockwood's information to Esposito to help with the legwork. It was not the same what-if game without Castle. She missed him, more than she was willing to admit to herself. She felt as if she was slowly sinking, trying to swim to a lifeline but unable to reach it.
Just before she left the precinct for the night, Beckett received a text from Josh to meet at their usual hangout near his hospital. In their attempt to carve out some time for each other, they made a point to get together at least once during the week for dinner. Tonight, it would give her the chance to tell Josh of her small but steady progress on her mother's case. Josh was aware of the circumstances surrounding her mother and how the case affected Beckett. But she knew he wasn't as invested in it as she was . . . or as Castle was, for that matter.
She was waiting for him at their usual table.
"How was your day?" Josh asked as he slid into the chair across from her.
"Good. I've been meaning to tell you that we have a couple of leads on my mother's case," she said, smiling at him.
"Hey, that's great," he said as he looked at the menu. "My day sucked. Two heart bypasses, then a gunshot to the chest that just nicked one of the heart valves. And then I got called in for an emergency appendectomy 'cause all the general surgeons were busy. Haven't done one of those since my residency. What are you having?" he asked, reading the menu.
She stared at him for a few seconds, then said, "Don't you want to know what I learned?"
"About what?" he replied, still reviewing the dinner choices.
"The case," she said, her smile fading, her voice firm.
"Oh . . . yeah. I do. Just let me figure out what I want here." He was silent for a few seconds. "Guess I'll go with the cheeseburger. Great choice for a heart surgeon, huh?"
After the waiter came to take their order, Josh said, "OK, so what did you find out?"
"Well, I went to visit Lockwood the other day and—"
"Who's Lockwood?"
"I told you before. He's the guy that killed Raglan, one of the dirty cops who—"
A loud ring from Josh's cell phone stopped her. "Oh, I have to take this, Kate. Sorry," Josh said, picking up the phone from the table. "Hello. Yes . . ."
Beckett gazed out the window of the restaurant, waiting. From his side of the conversation, she knew what was coming.
He put the phone down. "I can stay and eat, but I have to go back to the hospital right after," Josh said to her. "One of the bypass patients is having complications. I need to open him up a second time."
"I see." Beckett glanced out the window again.
"This one was the more complicated of the two. The patient also suffers from diabetes and …" Josh continued his medical litany, but at that point, Beckett tuned out. She nodded in the right places as he spoke, but she was grateful that their food came quickly. Small talk filled the spaces as they ate. About a half hour later, Josh paid the bill, leaving Beckett at the table alone with her coffee. She had little interest tonight in Josh's latest surgeries, which made her feel selfish. She had so much to tell him about her mother's case. Didn't he see how excited I was? she thought. Maybe I expect too much.
Her thoughts wandered to Castle. I wish he would call. He would understand.
By the end of the week, Beckett and Esposito pieced together a few more small clues to Johanna's case. Beckett was updating her murder board at home when she heard a knock on her door. Through the peephole she saw Josh holding Chinese takeout. "Hey," she said, opening the door and giving him a hug, "how are you?"
"Good, thanks. Took a chance you'd be home. Thought you might like dinner." Josh opened the bags and placed the cartons on her dining room table. "Been busy at work?" he asked.
"Yeah, the usual. And we're still trying to put together some pieces of my mother's case," Beckett answered, standing in front of the murder board.
Josh looked at her across the room, finally focusing on the display behind her. "What is that?" he asked, cocking his head.
"It's the murder board of my mother's case. All the suspects, trails, deadends, new leads are right here," Beckett said as Josh walked toward her. "Helps me think. I look at it just about every day."
He stood in front of it, studying the mug shots, timeline, and other details. "You review this every day?" He paused for a moment, then said, "Seems kinda ghoulish to me. Don't you think you're a little obsessed with this?"
Beckett felt the blood drain from her face. Her breath became rapid and shallow. "Ghoulish?" she said, her voice shaky. "Ghoulish? Josh, my mother was murdered. We still don't know why. I live with that every day. Don't you realize how important it is to me to find out?"
"I do," he whispered. "But I don't think it should take over your entire life."
She dragged a hand through her hair. "You don't understand. You've never been through this."
"I don't have to go through the murder of a loved one to understand what you're feeling," Josh said, his voice rising.
"You may understand, but I don't think you know how important this is to me. When I feel the need to talk about it, either you're not there for me or you want to talk about something else."
"Now wait, that's not fair—"
"I know it's not fair, but that's how I see it."
"What are you really saying, Kate?"
Her gaze dropped to the floor and she took a deep breath. "I . . . I think . . . I think I'm saying I can't go on seeing you. You're a wonderful man, Josh, but . . . this is not what I want from a relationship."
"What do you want, Kate?"
It was the same question Demming asked her almost a year ago. "I need to take a chance."
"You mean Castle?"
Beckett blinked back tears. "I . . . I . . . Maybe. I think so. He gets me. He might tear my heart to shreds. But I won't be satisfied until I take that chance with him."
"Do you know what you're doing? He was married twice. Didn't you tell me that?"
She nodded. "Yes, but I was wrong about some things. His first marriage didn't end the way I thought it had."
Josh sighed, his hands on his hips. "I don't know what else to say. I don't want to stand here and try to convince you that you should be with me. If you don't know that in your heart, then let's end it here."
Beckett pressed her lips together. "I'm so sorry, Josh. I wish you only good things."
#####
It was late Friday evening at the precinct, the day after her breakup with Josh and more than three weeks since Castle had left. Beckett, desperate for a cup of coffee, walked to the breakroom to find the coffeepot empty. As Esposito and Ryan watched, Beckett tore a packet of coffee grinds, spilling half of them on the floor. She opened another and managed to get most of the grinds in the filter. After filling a container with water, she carried it to the machine, but her hand was so shaky that some of the water splattered onto the floor as well as her slacks. The boys heard her moan, and Ryan walked over to her.
"Beckett, let me help you," he said, reaching for the pitcher, still in her hand.
"I don't need help, Ryan, thanks." She turned her face away.
"Yes, you do." He gently took the container from her.
As they made more coffee, Esposito pressed a speed-dial number on his cell phone. "Hey, Castle," he said when he heard the familiar voice.
"Javi. Good to hear from you, my man. How've you been?"
"Good, thanks. Have you spoken to Beckett lately?"
"No, not since the party."
"Yeah, I didn't think so. Listen, bro, the Johanna Beckett case may be getting hot again."
"Seriously? What's going on?"
"We picked up some leads over the past couple of weeks. She didn't call you about it?"
"No. But I told her I'd help on her mother's case in any way I could, whenever."
"Well, now would be a good time. I have to tell you, bro, she has not been in a good mood since you left."
"Who was that?" Martha asked as Castle ended the call.
"Esposito. He said they have some new leads on Johanna Beckett's case."
"And Beckett didn't tell you herself?"
"No. Even though I told her I would help."
"Maybe she didn't believe you."
"I made it clear. She's hardheaded."
"Maybe she's busy with that other man . . . what's his name, the doctor. Jacob? Jim?"
"Maybe, but she's not having a heart attack. This is her mother's murder. I'm the one who can help her."
"When are you going to tell her how you feel?"
He placed his arms on the kitchen counter, his face resting in his hands. "I had thought my actions would speak for themselves. I guess I was wrong."
Martha put a hand on her son's shoulder. "Sometimes a woman simply longs to hear the words."
"And risk scaring her away, losing her friendship?"
"Take that chance, darling. I don't think it's an either-or proposition."
A few minutes later, Castle sent Beckett a text message: We need to talk. Where are U?
Beckett, still at her desk, checked her phone and saw the message. She thought for a moment. Then she responded: At the 12th.
Castle answered within seconds: I'll be there. Don't go anywhere.
She checked his answer and waited, wondering what she would say to him.
Except for the police officers on duty on the first floor, the precinct was empty. Castle took the elevator to the second floor. The last time he was here, he had thought he lost his chance with Beckett. The anger and frustration he felt then was still simmering. The doors opened, and he spotted her standing near her desk.
"Hey," he called to her.
"Hey, Castle. How's it going?" she asked, trying to sound casual.
"Why didn't you call me about your mother's case?" he asked as he walked closer to her.
"I don't know. You said you wanted a break. Did it matter?"
"Yes. Is this some kind of test?" he replied. He was standing in front of her now. "I told you I wanted to give you and Josh space, but I also told you I would help you solve your mother's murder," he said. "You know I'm there for you, always. I meant that and still do. Wasn't I clear enough?"
"I . . . I . . ." She started to tremble, and her eyes rimmed with tears. "I broke up with Josh. I . . ." She turned and hurried to the elevator.
"Stop right there," he shouted. "Don't walk away from me, Kate. Not this time."
She turned to face him, startled by his tone.
He was already walking toward her, and when he came face to face with her, he grabbed her around the neck and said, "I am in love with you, damn it." He pulled her head close to his. "I love you so much it hurts. What more can I say or do to convince you?"
"Nothing, nothing," she cried. "I know you do. You've shown me so often." She looked at his eyes, then his lips, which were on hers in an instant, tasting, exploring each other, this time without pretense. Their bodies pressed together and revealed a passion, a need that was hidden for so long.
Castle broke from the kiss and moved his lips to her cheek, then her neck, listening to the soft moans from Beckett's throat. "I want to be your best friend, Kate," he whispered in her ear, "the one that you turn to, but I want to be so much more than that." He rested his head against hers.
"I want that, too," she said softly. "It's taken me a long time to trust in you, to have faith in you . . . and myself. But so much has changed. I love you, too, Rick. You've helped make me whole again. . . . I can't even count the ways."
Castle raised her hand to his lips, then said, "Come on, it's late. I'll take you home."
Beckett smiled at him. "I've updated my mother's murder board. I can show you," she said, jogging back to her desk to grab her jacket and purse.
"Detective Beckett, that's the sexiest thing you've ever said to me," he replied as he pushed the button for the elevator.
The doors opened. Rick clasped Kate's hand, and they walked inside together.