Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. The characters and setting is completely owned by J.K. Rowling.
Harry was chilling in the Gryffindor common room like usual with his two best buddies Ron and Hermione. He was sitting on the couch with his legs stretched out onto the coffee table and had a fat blunt plopped in his mouth.
"Damn man! This is some gooood weed!" said Harry, "Yo, who put that unicorn in the common room by the way?"
"Oh come on man! Passed the bloody blunt already, I wanna get high too" demanded Ron.
"Will both of you shut up already!" screamed Hermione, "I am sick and tired of you two. I can't believe you guys started smoking... marijuana. That stuff is extremely dangerous and you're going ruin..."
Harry and Ron both turned over to Hermione with a "What the fuck" look on their faces.
"Hermione, will you shut the fuck up already! Nobody gives a shit about your bitching so get lost already or make me a damn sandwich" said Ron.
"Oh hell yea! I definitely could... uhhhh... dude, the wall soooo trippy man... wait, what... oh yea, go make that sandwich Hermione... I'm gettin' some serious munchies... munch..." said Harry in a very dreamy voice. His eyes were completely wondering around the common room.
Hermione shut the book and then jumped up from her seat. She wheeled herself in front of Harry and Ron and stared at them with a venomous look.
"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU IMMATURE IDIOTS!" she yelled, "I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU TWO..."
Ron suddenly jumps up from the couch and grabs Hermione. She struggles to break free from Ron's grip, but Ron easily overwhelms her. He drags her over to the window and then chucks her out. Her scream can be heard until it stops with a sudden splat.
"Man, it must be that time of month for her again" said Ron, rubbing his hands as he walked back from the window.
"Duuuude... you just killed Hermione man, da fuuuuck." said Harry, his head falling on his right shoulder.
"Man chill you bloody wanker. We're fucking wizards, Madem Profrey can easily fix up Hermione's ass. Now mate, pass the damn blunt already. This shit you bought from Fred and George must be really fucking good" Ron replied.
"Man, fuuuuu... ok, I'll pass you the blunt"
Harry's jaw started to go slack and then he headed over the blunt to Ron, but accidentally dropped it on the couch since he was so high.
"Man dumbass, you dropped the blunt!" yelled Ron and then he reached down to pick it up from the cushion.
Suddenly, Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas walked down from the boy's dormitory and approached Harry and Ron.
"Sup you Irish bitch... AHHH! A BLACK GUY! HERE, HAVE MY WALLET" shouted a stoned Harry at the sight of Dean.
"Man, fuck your bitch ass! shouted Dean, "I ain't here to jack your broke ass. Me and Seamus were just wonderin' if you wanted to snort some lines with us. We gotz that grade A shit from Peru"
"Fuck off you bloody wankers. We don't fuck with that shit" said Ron.
"Your lost bro" said Seamus, "Come on, Dean let's do this shit. I heard coke is so much better than Adderall"
Both Dean and Seamus then walked away, as Fred and George both burst into the common room from the portrait hole. Fred was busy smoking a bong while George had his right hand shoved down his pants, obviously touching himself.
"God damn it! I can't take this anymore, I need to masturbate now!" George said.
Fred finished taking his bong rip and then placed the bong on the ground next to him.
"George, its only been 30 minutes since you last jacked off. Jesus man, you don't need to polish your wand every damn second of the day" Fred said annoyed.
"Fred, you know I can't function properly if I don't masturbate at least 32 times a day" replied George, getting a bit twitchy.
Fred and George then finally notice Harry and Ron sitting on the couch smoking and start walking over to them.
"Sup Harry" said Fred and he then turned to Ron, "Sup Faggot"
"Oy" said Ron taking out the blunt from his mouth, "Don't call me that you bloody git!"
"Whatever. Enjoying that stuff you bought from us earlier Harry?"
"Woah dude... there are like two of this guy... you got a clone bro? Hey you two see the unicorn yet?" asked Harry extremely stoned.
"Yep, he super high" said George.
The next thing they know, Percy is storming into the common room with his prefect badge gleaming on his chest.
"What are you four troublemakers up to now! Are you smoking drugs in the common room! That's it, looks like I'm going to have to report all of you and also take 50..."
Percy was then interrupted when Fred gave him a swift kick to the nuts. Percy let out loud girly scream and drop to the ground on a heap, grabbing his crotch in extreme pain.
"Well now that annoying faggot has been taken care of, would you boys like to join us in our dormitory to smoke some weed?" asked Fred
"Oh boy, I can finally rub one off!" screamed George. He then ripped off his clothes and ran up the stairs in just his boxers.
Fred shook his head in annoyance, picked up his bong and then motioned Harry and Ron to follow him. Both got up from the couch, Harry having extreme trouble keeping his balance, and they started following Fred up the stairway. When they got to the dormitory, they follow George sitting in front of the computer looking up hentai on Google.
"Oh right, this is what I have been waiting for!" said George, and he pulled down his boxers to let his penis slip out.
"Sweet Jesus! Have some decency George and put surround yourself with bloody pillows if you're going to be doing this shit in front of us!" roared Fred.
George didn't hear him though since he already started working on his dick and Fred looked away. Ron also looked away, but Harry was too high to even give a shit that he was seeing another guy wank off in front of him.
Then there was a loud POP. George jumped from his seat and fell over and Fred and Ron started looking around in shock. Harry just stood still with a stupid grin on his face. Suddenly it dawned on everyone that Lord Voldemort just apperated into the room.
"Hahahahaha! I just learned how to bust into Hogwarts. Now it is time for you to die, Harry Potter!" he yelled.
"Cool story bro" said Harry, starting to fall back into one of the four posters beds.
"Yeah and I have a foolproof plan to kill you too" said Voldemort. He suddenly whipped out an AK-47 and starting unleashing a round on Harry. Several bullets went through Harry's body until he slumped back onto the bed, dead.
"Oh my god, he just killed Harry!" shouted Ron.
"You bastard!" shouted Fred.
"Well, I'm not hard anymore." said George.
Voldemort started looking around the room and smelling the air.
"I smell weed... can I get in on this shit?"
Ron, Fred, George just shrug and then motion Voldemort over to join them.
The End!