The Missing Thoughts from Chapter XXXV
Brief Summary of What Went On Before: Jane left Mr. Rochester after discovering that he was married to Bertha. She gained a new life and family in a new town, but never really got over her love for Mr. Rochester. The night before she runs back to Mr. Rochester, Jane must have had many thoughts running through her head. This is my version of what she was thinking.
I do not think the plan ripened in my mind until the following morning. I roused at dawn, the night still punishing me by lingering on, the luminous moon blazing through my small window. The crescent of light burned a deep hole in my heart as I turned to it. Such comfort and tranquility were not mine, as my eye tarried upon it. It cast an eerie glow over the walls, shadows dancing and rejoicing in the darkness. Figures crept from the shadows laughing and belittling me, as I lie there alone and fearful.
I shot up out of my bed immediately, my eyes darting to every corner of the room. Be it my nerves or my horrid sense of superstition, but I did believe that there was someone or something else inside the room with me. I heard distant thunder rumbling across the somber skies, the pitter-patter of raindrops echoing through my head, growing louder and louder until I thought I would go positively mad.
I retreated back into mind, forcing myself to concentrate on the task at hand. I mustn't grow scared now, in the heart of the night, for in the daytime my feelings would have only proliferated into a tangled web of fear and doubt, and I would have long lost the courage I had felt just hours before.
How the heavens tormented me! How my heart beat loudly, escalating rapidly with each staggered breath I took in! Oh how woe had betaken me! How could I have retreated back to my ancient feelings of love and naivety? Were they not buried deep inside a lonely and bitter portion of my life, which I dared not return to?
Oh, but how the memories tore at my heart, clouding my conscience and my usually coherent state of mind. Reader, I experienced a pain, which I believed I had obscured months ago. Locked away, far, far away was the place where all these tortuous sensitivities belonged! I could not endure such abundances of torment and anguish. Why was it I whom was made to suffer such atrocities? Was it in my eyes? My character? My fate? Could it be that my destiny in life was to withstand all of these unprecedented misfortunes?
No! I could not accept this as truth! There must be another path for me to venture! There must be hope! Oh, faith! Faith is what had driven me all these years. Just the thought of believing in something made me feel stronger than I appeared, it made me feel I was not alone, no matter how isolated I may have felt. Oh, I had my companions, my confidants. But none could truly know me, know my heart, my soul, and my mind. And they could not captivate me the way he did.
Oh, him! The thought brought a warm rush to my lips. My head span with delight until I feared I would pass out from this electric surge that was engulfing me. Edward! Oh, my dear, poor, relentless Edward. How had he managed without me? Was I wrong to have left him? Perhaps I should have remained, against my better judgment. Nay! I know not much of the matters of love, but I do know enough to understand that my principles and morals should stand strong regardless of my yearning for passion.
Oh, but hearing his voice last night! It was so alive, so vivid and full of emotion. It was as though he had been right here with me. Yet his voice, it sounded so sad, so urgent, and so alone. It was a tone I had not come to recognize or expect from him, one I was very much unaccustomed to. Could it be that this man who had lived alone for a great deal of time before calling for me, was now unable to care for himself?
Impossible! The notion seemed more and more unlikely by the minute. Edward was an independent. There was no stopping him once his mind was made up. He had always carried his burdens in silence and would continue to do so forevermore. Governess or no governess, I knew he would carry on just splendidly.
And Adele! Why whatever had become of that dear, sweet child? Why, last I knew she was still off at boarding school. Surely the master would have sent for her… I paused before quickly discarding that idea as well. It was very doubtful that he had sent for her return. He was never one much for the likes of children. Besides, sending Adele off to boarding school seemed to make him feel as though he had now completed his obligation to her. He'd have no reason to ever see her again, if it was to his liking.
And dear Mrs. Fairfax! Why she must be so eager for friendship once more. That poor, queer character had found a special place in my heart. Oh, she had been quite a pest at times that I only wanted solidity, but all she ever longed for was a friend. And reader, despite her naivety and simple mind, that was exactly how I thought of her, as a friend.
A silent tear trickled down my cheek, and I felt a burning in my throat. Oh, I had missed those three so dearly! I hadn't realized just how much a part of me they had been. I could pull off this façade so well, this mask that fooled everyone into thinking I was perfectly content with my life. But though one may be able to fool everyone in the world, the heart can never be deceived. And my heart was slowly breaking with each new wall I put up. I had cast my old life at Thornfield away, never to be protruded upon again.
How I wished that I could come running back! To be welcomed with open arms again! To be in the company of those who made me feel needed! Oh yes, I had Mary and Diana, but there was still a gap in our relationship that would never be filled. I needed to go back. To go home!
Home, I questioned. The word rolled off of my tongue so sweetly. Had Thornfield been my home? Had I felt at ease there? The answer was tearing at my heart, crying "Yes! Yes!". Oh this had been the only place I had ever thought of as my home. Never in all my years at Gateshead had I felt welcome, nor Lowood, though I was there for a good many years. Lowood had held a certain formality and foreignness with which I never could familiarize. Not even here, in this quaint, little town, amongst people whom both admired and praised me, did I feel that I could be ever truly be myself. No matter where I journeyed in this world, I realized that there would always be a part of me that I would hold back, a part I would be afraid to expose, a part that would slowly rot away until I could no longer distinguish who I was or what my purpose in life had been.
But at Thornfield! Oh at Thornfield things had been so very different. There I learned to trust. I began to open up. I had been stripped of all my outer barriers and barricades for the first time in my life and I was accepted for who I really was, the real Jane. The feeling of knowing that one is loved regardless of outer beauty was remarkable. Though I was and still am no beauty, at Thornfield I never felt indifferent to others because of that. I recall thinking that this must be what having a family feels like; knowing that you have somewhere to come back to where you are loved and appreciated, knowing that there are people who care deeply about you waiting upon your arrival, knowing that once and for all, you finally feel you fit in. This had always been my persona of what a real family was. Yet I had been blind enough to throw all of it away. And for what? My pride? My ambition? My freedom? I could hardly remember the reason anymore.
As I sat on that small, stiff bed, it hit me, reader. The perfect plan formatted in my head, the wheels in my mind turning rapidly. Oh, it was so simple! Why on earth hadn't I thought of it before? I could have everything I ever wanted back within my possession. It might take a bit of humility, but after begging zealously on the streets, I was sure I could handle anything.
I could still go to him! My Edward! It wasn't too late! I could return to Thornfield Hall and regain everything that I had once possessed. I was sure to have a tremendous amount of explaining to do, but there would be plenty of time for that. I would have Edward, and little Adele, and dear Mrs. Fairfax and we…
'Bertha'.
The name slid across my mind like a powerful jab in my gut. How could I be so impertinent to re-venture to Thornfield without even considering Bertha! Oh, it was not fair! Everything that I could ever hope for was dangling in front of my face and if only I could grasp it…
But Bertha was the one thing standing in my way of happiness. As long as she was married to Mr. Rochester, than nothing was to be done. I recalled Edward asking me to be his mistress. How could I ever agree? I had refused to reject myself to such a deprecatory position in society. Yet why, I found myself questioning. Obtaining others' respect had never been important to me before. So what then? There must be a reason. Oh leave it to me to be able to understand others actions but not have the capability to comprehend my own!
Perhaps it was because he had at one time loved her. Yes! That must be it. He had been madly in love with her, child or no child, and I don't believe I could forgive him for that. How foolish I had been! He had been tricked, deceived, betrayed. He was the victim of the marriage, not her! Oh how he must have tried to reason with my stubborn heart and how I would not relent! Oh now I understood! My how my judgment had been clouded in one moment of rage! Yet could I forgive him? I was not yet entirely sure of this, but I knew I could only decide upon seeing him once more.
There was no doubt in my mind that he would excuse me for fleeing. Surely he must have enough love left to remit my actions. After explaining, he'd have to fathom what had caused me to leave! Oh, he would understand, I just knew he would!
I rose to my feet, a new determination escalating within me. I would procure my destiny once and for all. I had never been one to watch my life go by before my very eyes; I had always been fully in control and insistent to take matters into my own hands. I knew what I must do and I would rise to the occasion. I deserved, no, I demanded happiness. And though I was not quite sure of whether or not I would be allotted this bliss which I had awaited for for so long, I knew I must take this chance. I no longer had anything left to lose.
Realizing that I had wasted a good half hour reminiscing, I decided that I might as well hurry and pack. I wanted to be gone early in the day so that I could hurry to Thornfield. The sooner I knew if I would be welcomed back into Thornfield Hall, the better off I was. I suppose you could say that I had reached a crossroad in my life. I was nearly positive that Mr. Rochester would be overjoyed to see me again, and whatever happened from there would bank solely upon myself and my decision. Reader, though I may not have known it then, I had already made up my mind to forgive Edward Rochester.
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This was what I turned in for my English project in tenth grade. I was surprised to receive a 100 on it, because I wasn't sure it was any good at all. So, please let me know what you think of it!