Standard Disclaimer: They're not mine but they're beautiful and I so enjoy exploring their hearts.
A/N: This is a story exploring what it would be like to return to an ordinary life after doing so many extraordinary things. That's always been something that has interested me in stories where average kids get sucked into amazing adventures for extended periods of time. Once the adventure is over, how do you just go back to normal? After doing and seeing and experiencing so many amazing things, how do you just…let that go? I'm sure it's not easy, and Sora is discovering this the hard way.
Not As It Was
I've been having these weird thoughts lately…
…like…is any of this for real or not?
………was any of it worth it?
It's been about two months since we made it back to The Islands. Two months since we got the massage from King Mickey telling us that the world borders were sealed again. Two months since I found myself locked, trapped, and suffocating in the world that I had fought so hard to restore…to return to…
Y'know, it's funny. Somehow the details always seem to get missed. I guess it's understandable when playing a game that involves a whole gummiverse of worlds—I mean, who can focus on a single drop of water when you're trying to not be dismembered by the storm?—but still…it's amazing how easily I forgot what life was like in a world without Heartless, or Nobodies, or magic, or Gummi Ships. I blame Naminé and my year-long nap for that.
It took me getting home and seeing just how much had changed in my absence for me to really understand what it meant for me to have been gone. I mean, Riku and I had been "missing" for almost a year and a half after we managed to stop the Heartless the first time, and while we'd been running around fighting and searching for each other, Kairi, Wakka, Tidus, and Selphie had all moved on with their lives. Heck, they'd completely forgotten about me for a while, and yeah, I know that it wasn't their fault, but it still sucked pretty bad. When Kairi was kidnapped by the Organization, that interrupted things for her little, but she was only gone for a couple of weeks and in that time was able to meet her Nobody and become whole again, which was a good thing. It had even happened during Summer Break so, aside from a little missed homework, it hadn't even impacted her school life really.
She's a freshman in High School now. In the time we were gone, she had graduated from our Middle School, taken her entrance exams and made it into the High School that Riku and Wakka already attended and we all had agreed to get into together. We had made it home with just a few days to spare before the beginning of the second term. Riku had missed a year of classes, but he had been a freshman already anyway. For him, that missed year was a bonus. Now he and Kairi were in the same class along with the rest of our friends except Wakka who was a year ahead. Me, I had missed my last year of Middle School, so while all of my friends were enjoying High School together, I was still stuck with all the kids who were younger than me, yet still doing better in all of our subjects than I was.
It was humiliating. I had gone from being the savior of a thousand worlds to the class idiot over the span of a few months, and I'll admit that I wasn't handling it too well. No one knew what had really happened during Riku's and my absence. We couldn't tell anyone about the other worlds out there, so we had to play it off as if we couldn't remember, but that just left me as the freak at school. No one wanted to be around me. All the kids treated me like I was cursed or something, even the ones who had known me before. It made my life even more frustrating because it meant that, despite my sparkling personality, I wasn't making any friends. If my time away had taught me anything, it's that my strength is based in the relationships I had with others. Without those bonds, I was left floundering. I found myself falling more and more into the quieter tendencies that had developed when I was Roxas; observing, thinking, and trying to figure out how to solve my situation.
My parents weren't too thrilled with my progress in school either. When it first became clear that I was struggling, they hired a private tutor for me. They didn't like the fact that I was a year behind the other kids my age, so they decided that I would just have to catch up. Everyday after school I had an additional three hours of lessons. I had Cram School on Saturdays and more time with my tutor on Sunday. I was studying for High School Entrance Exams, studying to test out of my first year of High School, and trying to keep up with my lessons for my last year of Middle School all at the same time, and I was cracking under the pressure. I'd never been a stellar student. Grades were just one more thing that Riku had always beat me in, but I had always done well enough. Now, on top of everything else that was bouncing around my head, I just couldn't concentrate on all of the work that was being thrown at me, and my grades kept getting worse.
I barely was ever allowed to leave the house anymore. My mom kept telling me that it was just until I was caught up, but the more time that passed, the less I could stomach being cooped up inside and the less I could focus on my work. I found my mind drifting more and more, and I kept finding myself thinking about the way things were before. When I had been out with Donald and Goofy, there had been no rules. Life hadn't always been easy—heck, it was downright terrifying at times—but I had a job, a purpose, and it was my mission to fulfill that purpose. Now, that was over. My new enemies were textbooks and tutors, and unfortunately, my Keyblade couldn't do a damn thing to get rid of them.
I had no clue what to think about it when I found that I was wishing for things to be what they had been before. I missed all of the friends I had made during my travels. I thought of them often and wondered if they even remembered me anymore. It was so hard to sit in my cramped dark living room working on equations and compositions all the while knowing what else there was out there. Knowing that I still held the key that could open the gateways that would take me to those worlds. Knowing that there were countless other worlds out there that had yet to be visited. I wanted to see them…I wanted to be out there again, fighting heartless, saving people, facing down villains, scorching away my fear and frustrations in the flame of glorious battle! The need was almost a living thing inside of me. It was making me crazy.
I was so confused and frustrated and angry and I needed to talk about this stuff to someone, but thanks to my extra workload, I never saw Riku or Kairi anymore. I mean, in the beginning, we had tried to work together, study together, and everything, but it became painfully clear just how much that didn't work. I had more homework than I knew what to do with, they were working on the same assignments, talking about their classes, and well…it didn't take too long to realize that I was just becoming a third wheel. It's amazing really. We fought together side-by-side. Fought back the darkness, survived things that most of the people in our world could never even imagine, yet of all the things that tried to separate us for so long, it was High School that finally did the trick.
For a long time I tried so hard to hang-on to the optimism that had been my trademark through the whole Kingdom Hearts mess. When Riku and Kairi asked how I was doing, I would smile as always and tell them I was fine. I'd complain about the work and tell them how much it sucked to not see them, but I'd laugh it off…kept talking about how great it would be the following year when we were all in the same classes together, and we would smile and make plans and everything would be great. Of course they took me at my word. They knew me…had no reason to doubt me. But I think that they also really wanted to believe that everything was perfect now. They were happy with their lives. Even Riku, who had been really quiet and emo the first few weeks after we got back, was becoming more like his old self; competitive, sarcastic, and more than a little egotistical. He was breezing through his extra assignments and had plenty of time to hang out with the others. He smiled often and was laughing again too, and I could see that returning home for him was definitely a really good thing.
I was happy for him. All I had ever wished for in life was the happiness of the people I loved, so who was I to dim that happiness. Just because I was struggling a little didn't mean that I should be a downer on them. I just needed a little time to get my feet back under me…figure out my place in my own world. Time to forget about the amazing things I had done and seen; re-establish myself in my tiny, tiny corner of the much bigger picture.
Ok, so that was easier said than done. But really, how could anyone blame me for missing the things that I once had? I had learned to freeze time, to call lightning from the sky, to fly! And now, what was left of it? I still was the Keyblade master, sure. The blade was always with me and always would be, but what good did that do me now? Everything that I had learned from the different worlds was fading. When I lived between worlds, I was held by the laws of none of them, but now that I'm back on the Destiny Islands, the rules of this world are overriding everything that I had before and that was leaving me and my abilities at a level of normal that was just downright boring.
But I kept it all to myself. Riku and Kairi didn't want to hear about my anxieties. They didn't want to hear about the hollow emptiness that seemed to be growing deeper and deeper inside of me every time I thought about the outside world. They couldn't understand the yearning to be back out among the stars behind the controls of a silly looking but powerful gummi ship…They didn't need to know that I was failing at everything; that my parents were looking at them and wondering why I was the only one having trouble getting back on my feet…They were happy. What else mattered other than that? What did it matter that my life was falling apart?
As I thought more and more about it, I couldn't help but laugh at the irony. This was what I had fought so hard for; this world, this existence. I had risked my life so many times to get back to my home, and now that I was there, it seemed that home just…wasn't what it was supposed to be. I was unhappy. I'd never admit it to anyone else, but after having returned home, I was now as unhappy as I could ever remember being. I hadn't felt this empty since learning that my world had been swallowed by darkness back when the whole mess first began. Even then, it was not as bad because at least I had Donald and Goofy and hope that things would get back to normal. Now I had gotten normal back and found it sorely…lacking. I felt like…like a shadow; a residue of what I'd once been. My friends were drifting farther and farther away from me and I felt like I was losing everything that made me who I was. If this was the end result, then what had it all been for? What had I fought so hard for? If I'd know that this was how it would be…I doubt that I would have been so quick to jump through that door to the light.
Everything came to a head the night I brought my mid-term results home. I was already in a bad mood and I just didn't feel like studying anymore that day so I had sat and pointedly ignored my tutor when he got to the house. This, as I had hoped, irritated the guy enough that he collected his things and prepared to leave early. What I hadn't counted on was him stopping to speak with my mother before he left, telling her that I was being intentionally difficult and not even trying to understand my lessons. Of course this was partially true, but it wasn't the way he was making it seem. Unfortunately, my mother couldn't see things from my perspective any more than anyone else could. She apologized to the man as he made his way out the door and promised that she'd talk with me and work out the "misunderstanding." When she shut the door behind him she turned angry eyes on me and sat down across from me at the living room table. I guess I was feeling pretty reckless because I continued glowering and staring out the window.
"Show me the results of your mid-terms," she told me in an even voice. I pulled the crumpled paper from my bag and tossed it on the table. I could almost feel her temper spike at the rude gesture, but I was too pissed to care. I was already in trouble anyway, and I've never been one to do things half way, so why bother with placating gestures? They wouldn't change her response to the marks on the page. After a moment, she picked up the page I had dropped, studied it carefully, then placed in back on the table.
"We'll discuss this when your father gets home," she said in that even voice that was really starting to get on my nerves. "Go to your room now, and stay there. Your phone and internet privileges are suspended until I say otherwise. Now go." I didn't move. I just continued sitting there, staring out the window into the fading afternoon light, and I could again feel her temper rising. I was treading on thin ice and I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself. Oddly and completely out of place, the thought of treading on ice reminded me of my adventures searching for Pooh-bear in that cave in the 100 Acre Woods. That is actually what finally got me to my feet because I found myself fighting back tears as I remembered the little stuffed bears plea for me to not go away. In that moment, I would have given anything to be able to step back into that book and spend several hours swinging and bouncing and laughing my worries away. Unfortunately, as with everything else from my other life, that option was cut off from me, so instead, I angrily grabbed my books, shoved them into my bag, then stormed up the stairs to my room and slammed the door behind me.
I dropped my bag on the floor and moved to open my window and let some fresh air in. I felt like I was suffocating in my tiny house. Looking out across the bay, I could just make out our island through the marine layer, and on the waves I spotted four tiny boats moving towards it. I wondered if those were my friends going out there or some of the other kids who had taken to playing on the island while we'd been gone. It didn't matter. Just seeing the boats on the water bouncing on the waves brought back memories that seemed so far away; memories of freedom and happiness, independence…and friendship. It was hard to look away. I thought that maybe…if I stood there long enough, if I just kept watching, somehow I could become one of those kids in one of those boats. Maybe I would forget about all the memories that tormented me now and be oblivious to the wonders of the world outside. Maybe I could just be happy, goofy, clueless Sora again.
The light faded. I finally lost site of the boats, and as darkness fell across the islands, I was filled with a sense of loss so powerful it left me physically weak. There was something growing in my chest and it had been since we'd returned; something terrifying and familiar, but something I couldn't…or wouldn't yet name. There was so much going on in my head, and I couldn't make sense of any of it. So many conflicting wants and needs and concerns and fears and I just didn't know what to do. Feeling lost, weak, and very alone, I collapsed onto my bed, buried my face in my pillow and screamed loud and long hoping that it would do something to help vent the chaos inside. It didn't.
By the time my father got home, the weak feeling that I had earlier had morphed into something much worse. I was shaky and nauseated and feeling generally crappy, so I really wasn't in the mood to take the reaming I knew I was in for. The cosmos took no pity on me, however, and not long after I heard my father enter the house, my mother was knocking on my door telling me to come down-stairs. I took a few minutes to try to calm my aching head. I even went so far as to attempt casting cura to see if it would help. I got a hint of the old power that used to make me feel so alive and energized, but it was a ghost of what it should have been and that only made me feel worse.
When I finally made my way down stairs, my parents were sitting at one side of the table, my mid-term results resting between them. They both looked up at me, anger and disappointment clear on their faces, and I walked slowly forward to sit at the table across from them. I focused on the wood grain in front of me preferring it to the looks on my parents' faces. It was like I could feel their emotions beating against me, and it hurt. I can't even explain the pain, but it was bad, and I found myself fighting to breathe around a lump that had suddenly formed in my throat.
"Do you care to explain yourself?" my father asked, voice carefully controlled. I didn't have an answer for him, and I was fighting hard to hold back tears, so I just continued staring at the wood grain. There was something oddly soothing about the waves and patterns and shifting browns.
"Look at me when I speak to you, Sora," he told me, heat coloring his voice just slightly. I reluctantly looked up from the table into my father's eyes and flinched inwardly. He was really pissed. "I asked for and explanation for this." He stabbed down angrily at the crumpled piece of paper on the table and I swallowed hard around the lump, looking down from his face to where he was pointing.
"I don't know what you want me to say," I finally managed in a strained voice, and that seemed to set my him off.
"I want you to tell me why your mother and I are paying hundreds every week for a tutor to help you! I want you to explain what exactly you've been doing during the time that you're supposedly studying because based on what your tutor has told your mother, you obviously aren't even trying! I want you to explain yourself, Sora! Do you want to be a failure? Is that it?! Do you want to amount to nothing, never make it to High School, become a sore disappointment to your family and friends and—"
"Yes, Dad, you've got me all figured out! That's exactly what I want. I've always dreamed of being the village idiot!"
"DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME!"
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DID IT FIRST!!!!" We were both on our feet now screaming at each other. The tears I had been fighting were escaping my control and slowly seeping from my eyes. My head was pounding, the feeling that had been growing inside of me seemed to swell even more, and I was taken by a sudden gut-wrenching fear as I began to understand why it was so familiar. The situation was spiraling more and more out of my control. My father was still yelling, my mother was just sitting there staring at her hands, and the darkness that had been growing inside of me for months now was a living thing, seething and raging and trying to claw its way out. I just needed everything to stop and leave me alone for a while. I was terrified of what I thought was happening and my family was completely unaware of the danger. I needed space. I needed time.
"STOP!" I screamed desperately, knowing that the magic wouldn't be there, but hoping that somehow…just this once, since I really needed it to work, it would. But as always, the spell fell useless, and a little more of me crumpled away into the abyss.
"DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO COMAND ME!" my father yelled. "I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL I'VE GOTTEN THROUGH TO YOU! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE TRYING SO HARD TO DISAPPOINT US! BOTH RIKU AND KAIRI ARE EXCELLING IN THEIR CLASSES DESPITE WHAT HAPPENED!! WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE REFUSING TO PUT IN THE EXTRA EFFORT!!"
"You don't understand," I sobbed through my panic, shaking my head and just letting the tears fall. "You don't know what you're asking of me."
"WE'RE ASKING YOU TO TRY, SORA!!"
"IT'S TOO MUCH FUCKING WORK!" I screamed in a sudden fit of rage, and I couldn't figure out where it had come from. "ANY IDIOT COULD SEE THAT!!"
"DID YOU JUST CALL ME STUPID, BOY?!?" My father roared, and I could feel everything falling apart. I had to get help. This was bad…very bad, and I really needed to get away from my parents, and quickly. Riku. He would know what to do. He knew more than anyone what it meant to fight off the darkness. Yes. Riku would help me. I had to get to Riku.
Without even thinking about it, I turned from the table and dashed to the door slamming it behind me as I left the house. I heard my father screaming after me, but couldn't bring myself to care. The darkness was growing, and only Riku could help me fight it off. And Kairi! She had brought me back once before…maybe she could help me now too! The Keyblade was in my hand without any conscious memory of calling it. It's presence was always a boost for my strength and magic, so I think part of me was hoping it could help me keep the darkness at bay. On instinct, I jumped into the air thinking it would be fastest to fly to Riku's house, but I barely made it ten feet before gently drifting to the ground. I swore quietly under my breath getting back to my feet. Why did I keep forgetting the magic was gone?
I ran full speed the whole three blocks to his house, bypassing his front door and heading straight to the tree I always used to get to his window when I visited. His light was out, but I knew that sometimes he liked to sit in a darkened room just thinking or listening to music so I still held on to the hope that he was home. I had enough super jump in me to reach the branch that was at his window level without bothering to climb, so I swung onto the branch and peered inside. As my eyes focused through the glass, I was able to make out a figure on the bed. Relief rushed through me in a wave of cleaning light and I reached out my hand to rap on the glass…but then I froze. The figure was moving and I realized with a shock that it was actually two figures, stretched out along side each other on Riku's bed, lips and tongues passionately exploring each other's mouth. I caught a flash of all too familiar auburn hair in the moonlight, and in the wake of the light of relief, came a dark wave of despair.
They were both right there…Riku and Kairi…my friends…the only ones who could save me from the darkness that was consuming me from the inside. I remember thinking that it was too late…that they were too far away now, and that struck me as strange because they were right in front of me. But then I was losing all sensation in my body…I felt myself slipping from the branch…falling…then darkness took my vision, and I remember nothing more.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
A/N: cackles insanely so there you have it. Sora, consumed by darkness! What, did you think that since they were home they were safe from the darkness? The Heartless are so still out there, and with our hero's defenses down, he was ripe for consumption, and what better way to take over than to take over the one person who can stop you. Please let me know of what you think. If you like it and want to see more, review so that I know to keep writing. Hope you've enjoyed!