Heyo!

So, I'm back! It took more than a few fuckin months but my writer's block is finally starting to lift!

Anyway, I started watching The Shadowhunters (TV series) and I fell in love with the characters. Malec gives me fucking life and after I watched episode 9 I wanted to write a fic about what Magnus might have been thinking. Originally this fic was just about episode 9 but then I decided to lengthen it and have it span over 3 episodes!

Also, these are just my thoughts on what Magnus might have been thinking. I'm not saying that this is what he was thinking so please don't send me angry messages complaining that Magnus would never think like this or that I got the characterization wrong. Again, this is just my take on the characters and this is fanfiction anyway, so, yeah.

This fic is mostly from Magnus' POV but there is a tiny scene where it switches to Jace's POV.

Enjoy!

04/22/2017 Note:

Ah, so my lovely friend pointed out that in this fic I've implied that Magnus is like thousands of years old and apparently he's canonically only around 400 years old (at least in the books he is). I was going to go through the fic and correct that but lmao I have no energy for that so I'm just going to leave it as is. Plus, I'm pretty sure it's implied that he's older than 400 in the show and that's the version of the Shadowhunters that I'm writing for!

Magnus stared at Alec. He couldn't believe the words that had just come out of his mouth.

Alec was actually going to marry Lydia? Magnus just couldn't understand how Alec could do this to himself. Force himself into a loveless marriage for the sake of reputation. Magnus hated the part of himself that was bitter that Alec hadn't considered how he'd feel about this. He had no right to be upset with him— they weren't dating.

Magnus wasn't going to lie and say that's not what he had been hoping would happen, and what he had actually thought was going to happen, at least eventually. It was so rare that Magnus ever felt like this towards someone. To be honest, he actually couldn't remember that last time he had felt like this.

As the thoughts swirled in his mind and the ache grew in his chest, Magnus drank in the sight of Alec. Memorizing his features as he had no idea if he'd ever get another chance to be this close to Alec. If the man really did go through with the wedding, Magnus wasn't sure if he could force himself to be around the shadowhunter for anything other than business or when the world needed saving.

He stood there, in front of the shadowhunter, neither of them saying a word, and took in the sharpness of his features. The deep brown of his eyes and the thickness of his lashes. The runes that marked his body, and the way his hair framed his face so beautifully.

Magnus sighed and nodded once.

It was over.

"Goodbye, Alexander."

Magnus let himself have one last, wistful look before he forced his feet to move. His steps picked up pace as he quickly walked away from the man he thought he could have had a future with. He ignored the spark of disappointment he felt when Alec neither called nor came after him. It was silly to think that he would've anyway.

He ignored the burning in his eyes that signalled the tears that wanted to escape. He wouldn't let himself cry. At least, not until he was away from the Institute. Far away from Alec.

How could he have been so stupid? Starting to fall for a shadowhunter, and a closeted one at that. He swiped angrily at his eyes as he berated himself, no doubt smearing the eyeliner he had artfully applied that morning.

Magnus paid little attention to where he was going, just letting his body take him wherever it wanted to go.

He was ripped from his thoughts when he bumped into something solid.

"Oof," Magnus grunted, looking up, startled, into mismatched eyes.

Jace raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to the side curiously.

"What's with the kicked puppy look, Magnus? You and Alec have a fight?" Jace chuckled. His grin faded as Magnus didn't quip back like he usually would, instead staring solemnly at the floor. Which was something that Magnus Bane just didn't do. Magnus was a force to be reckoned with; his emotions burned bright and clearly. He was a bubbly, eccentric person and to see him looking so downtrodden was new; it was something that just felt wrong.

"Hey, hey, what happened?" Jace asked, concern shining on his face, confusing the warlock as he had always thought that the blonde shadowhunter barely tolerated him.

"Apparently Alexander is getting married," Magnus replied, trying to sound flippant and not like the words made the hole in his chest ache.

"Ah, so he told you," Jace muttered, running his left hand through his hair.

"Yes, yes he did," Magnus grumbled, crossing his arms. He wasn't pouting. He wasn't!

He was.

"Look, Mag, Alec is going through a really hard time right now. Ever since he found out that Maryse and Robert had been part of The Circle, he hasn't been the same. But don't worry, soon enough he'll snap out of it, realize that he can't marry Lydia, and everything will go back to normal," Jace assured the warlock. He was pretty sure that's what would happen. Well, at least, that's what he was hoping was going to happen.

Jace couldn't stand to see his Parabatai hurting like this. He knew that Alec wasn't taking the whole 'parent's previously being in the circle' thing very well— more so than he or Izzy were, and he knew that Alec was just trying to do what he thought he was supposed to do. But all Jace wanted was to see Alec happy. He wanted the boy to do what he wanted, not just what other people wanted him to do.

"Are you sure?" Magnus asked softly, with hesitance shining in his eyes—yet another thing that just looked wrong on Magnus Bane.

"Honestly? No, I'm not sure. I can't pretend like I know how this is going to play out. However, I'm really hoping that that's how it plays out," Jace admitted. "You deserve to be happy and I think that you and Alec could really be good for each other."

"Thanks, Jace," Magnus whispered, smiling at the blonde shadowhunter.

Magnus took a deep breath and shook himself, regaining his normal bravado.

"Now, if you'll excuse me! I shall be on my way. If you guys need me, I'm just a call away. But I'm not going to be the one to make the first move, so if I'm needed, you're going to have to come to me," Magnus said, uncrossing his arms and straightening out his jacket; then he snapped his fingers and a portal appeared.

"That's fair. See you soon, Mag," Jace replied, grinning as the eccentric warlock sent him a wink and stepped through the portal.

Jace let out a sigh when the portal disappeared, taking the warlock with it.

He really, really hoped that he was right. For Alec's sake and Magnus' sake.

But, it was in Alec's hands now. If his Parabatai didn't get his head out of his ass soon….well, they'd have to deal with that later. For now, all he could really do was try and concentrate on what was going on and hope that everything eventually worked out.

With that in mind, he spun around and headed towards the training area.

They had work to do.

Magnus hadn't been kidding when he said they'd have to come to him if they needed something. Even as the anger passed, his pride stayed. He wouldn't cave and go do the one thing he really wanted to: go see Alec.

But, as another day came and went without Magnus seeing or hearing from the brunette shadowhunter, he felt himself growing desperate.

He shouldn't be feeling like this. After all, it's not like they had been dating or anything. But, Alec…well, he was special. He made Magnus feel things he hadn't felt for thousands of years. Magnus felt like there was a bond between the two, even though Alec had made it very clear that he was planning to marry someone else. A bond like that, even though Magnus didn't even really understand it, doesn't just go away.

And just when Magnus was contemplating throwing away his pride and making up some excuse just to hear Alec's voice, Alec appeared. He needed Magnus' help— Izzy was in trouble.

Even though he was worried about Izzy, a part of Magnus was glad that she was in trouble because it meant that he got to see Alec again. As soon as that thought crossed his mind he felt a flash of guilt and shame rush through him. How could he be glad that one of his friends was in trouble? That wasn't Magnus Bane— and he resented the fact that Alec made him feel such strong emotions that he would think something like that.

When he found out that Izzy was being tried for treason, he knew immediately why Alec was there and knew that he would help without hesitation. But he couldn't resist teasing Alec a little bit, trying to see if he could get a reaction.

When Alec asked him what he wanted in return, Magnus wanted to say nothing. He wanted to tell Alec that he'd do it for free because Izzy was his friend too. Instead, however, he told the shadowhunter that he wanted him. He wanted to see Alec's reaction. However, if Alec said yes, Magnus knew he'd never come to collect because he didn't want to get Alec that way. He wanted Alec to be in this as much as he was.

So he was equal parts disappointed and relieved when Alec told him no. Then Magnus felt anger bubbled in his chest— it was irrational, he knew. He shouldn't be upset that the person he wanted didn't want him back. That wasn't healthy. But, that shameful part of him that whispered those traitorous thoughts made him want to make Alec hurt as much as the shadowhunter was making him hurt.

So he asked for Alec's favourite weapon. That bitter and vindictive part of him felt a spark of triumph at the way Alec's jaw clenched and his eyes hardened. But that feeling faded as soon as Alec walked out, and Magnus was left feeling empty and alone.

The trial passed quickly and Magnus couldn't help the wave of relief that flowed through him as Lydia announced she was dismissing the charges. Unfortunately, that relief didn't last long as the Inquisitor decided that, regardless of Lydia's decision, Isabelle was guilty and would be exiled unless the Mortal Cup was handed over to the Clave within 24 hours.

Magnus' stomach twisted as he watched the way Alec's eyes went from soft and relieved to hard and terrified. He was on the verge of losing his sister and only the Mortal Cup, which was in the hands of Jace and Clary, could save her. They had no idea where Jace and Clary were. They had no way of knowing if they even still had possession of the Cup. Magnus wished desperately that there was something he could do, that there was some way to make himself useful.

He rushed home and poured over ever law book he owned. He read the Accords over and over again. He looked for any way that he could get Izzy out the situation she was in. And, he wasn't going to lie, he wanted to be the reason Izzy went free because he wanted Alec to look at him with those eyes. He wanted to see the relief and softness return to those beautiful brown eyes and he really wanted to be the reason why.

Magnus was a bit disappointed when it wasn't him who saved the day but, honestly, he was just so relieved that Izzy would be safe that he couldn't find it in himself to have more than a twinge of disappointment.

As he watched the siblings hug, relief pouring off them, he knew he wasn't needed anymore.

"Ah, well, my work here is done," He said, forcing himself to present his regular bravado and not let his emotions show. He looked at Alec and was unable to stop himself from saying, "Walk me out? We have some business to settle."

He tried not to flinch at the way Alec's shoulders dropped or the slight sigh he let out. He knew why Alec didn't want to be alone with him, or around him in general, but that didn't make it hurt any less. He couldn't help but long for the future they could have had. Magnus knew it didn't make all that much sense to miss what you didn't have in the first place— but since when have emotions ever made sense?

Isabelle hugs him before he can leave, whispering her thanks in his ear. He closed his eyes as he hugged her back tightly. Magnus knew that they weren't all that close— they hadn't really gotten the chance to become close friends because of the brewing war, but he was still so overwhelmingly glad that Izzy was safe. Izzy seemed to sense his inner turmoil and gave him a tight squeeze. She pulled back to press a light kiss to his cheek and gave him a bright smile as she pulled back fully, disentangling herself from their embrace.

When Magnus looked back at Alec, he found the man looking at him with an unreadable look in those beautiful dark eyes.

He hesitated for a moment but carried on, pushing past Alec and walking down the hall. A few moments passed before Magnus felt Alec's presence beside him. Wordlessly, Alec guided him towards the weapons room.

As they walked, Magnus studied the way Alec moved. He stayed two steps in front of Magnus at all times. At first, Magnus had thought that was because Alec didn't want to walk next to him, and he'd never admit to anyone just how much that thought made his chest ache, but soon realized it was actually a defence tactic.

His posture was rigid and tense, like he was ready to spring into action at any sign of danger. Even though Magnus was walking slightly behind him, he could still see the way Alec's eyes constantly roved over every surface as they walked, always keeping stock of who and what was around them. Every new sound saw Alec's eyes flicking over and analysing.

You could tell so much from the way Alec moved and the way he held himself. It was beyond telling and Magnus felt like he understood the mysterious shadowhunter just a little bit more with every step.

They arrived at the armoury and Magnus hung back as Alec went to where his bow was stored. Magnus watched him brace himself and gently pick up the bow. He handled his favourite weapon with a loving gentleness that Magnus longed to have directed at him. Was it silly to be jealous of a weapon?

Alec hesitated before straightening his shoulders and handing it over, "As promised, payment in full."

Magnus looked down at the bow and quiver in his hands. He thought he would have felt something when he held them. Maybe triumph, maybe bitterness. But all he felt was sadness. He didn't want to keep hurting Alec just because he himself was hurting. That's not how you treat the ones you care about.

When Magnus admitted that Lydia had done well in court, Alec lit up. "So you get it?" He had asked. No, Magnus didn't get it. He still didn't understand why Alec was sacrificing himself like this and tried to make him see that this marriage was just going to make him and Lydia miserable. He understood that shadowhunters tried not to get involved with people, they were under some strange notion that emotions, love specifically, made you weak but this was just ridiculous.

Lydia didn't deserve this, Alec didn't deserve this, and, honestly, Magnus didn't deserve this either. Each of them deserved to find someone who loved and cherished them. And while, yes, Magnus wanted so desperately for Alec to be that person, well, he just didn't think it was going to happen.

Magnus started to walk away but then looked down at the weapon in his hands and sighed. As much as he wanted to just keep walking— to take the payment he had demanded and Alec had complied. But he couldn't. This bow was too important to Alec and Magnus didn't want to be the reason he didn't have it anymore. Plus, what if Alec got into a situation and was hurt, but if he'd had the bow he wouldn't have been? Magnus didn't want to live with that guilt just because he had demanded Alec's most prized weapon in a fit of pettiness.

"I don't know what to do with these," Magnus admitted softly. "Keep them for me?"

Magnus knew he had made the right decision when pleased surprise lit up Alec's dark eyes. The man looked a bit hesitant at first but when he reached to take his weapon from Magnus' hands, there was no denying the happiness in his eyes.

Magnus walked away knowing he had made the right decision, and felt much lighter for it. Maybe he hadn't been able to convince Alec that he didn't need to marry Lydia, but maybe this was just the way things were supposed to go.

Magnus had led a largely indulgent life. He'd made mistakes. Especially in these last few thousand years as he decided that love was just too difficult and had just kept to quick, impersonal relationships. He had hurt and used people. Not always intentionally— and sometimes he was just as hurt and used in return.

But maybe this was what he deserved. For the universe to dangle a beautiful man in front of him, one who made him feel things he hadn't for thousands of years, and then take him away just as Magnus thought that maybe, just maybe, this time he could let himself actually feel for another. Maybe he deserved to wake every morning with an ache in his chest. To feel that knife to his heart every time he saw someone who even remotely looked like the shadowhunter. he craved so badly. Maybe he deserved the tears that slipped down his cheeks late at night, mourning the life they could have had.

Magnus wasn't exactly sure what he'd done to deserve it, but he was sure if he looked far enough into his past he could find something.

No. Wait, just, no.

Magnus didn't deserve this. He deserved better. He deserved someone who could actually return his feelings. Maybe that person wasn't meant to be Alec Lightwood. Who knew what the future held? But one thing was certain— Magnus wasn't going to keep punishing himself for events he had no control over. If Alec wanted to throw himself into a loveless, political marriage then so be it. There was nothing, apparently, that Magnus could say to change his mind, so he was just going to have to let Alec make his own choice.

Magnus straightened his posture and, with a renewed purpose, made his way through the Institute with confident strides as he headed towards where he could safely portal out.

He needed a drink.

The next time Magnus saw Alec, it was at his loft. Never one to listen to his logical side, he'd called the man, hoping to talk him and see him, even though he had previously told himself to leave well enough alone. Unsurprisingly, the meeting hadn't gone very well and Alec had left after giving Magnus a very thorough tongue lashing, leaving Magnus feeling guilty and upset.

He decided to stop pushing after that and actually stop this time. Obviously, it wasn't working and was only further alienating the shadowhunter.

Magnus had never felt so self-conscious as he did when Alec and Lydia arrived, interrupting their meeting about Ragnor. Magnus felt bitter resentment rise up as Lydia continued to be nothing but pleasant to him. He knew that didn't make sense but this way he could feel the anger he wanted to. The anger that masked the sadness. It had always been easier for him to feel anger than it was to feel sadness or loss.

He felt awkward and unsure of himself as Alec's dark eyes roved over him. He needed to get out of there, and fast. He couldn't stand to watch Alec and Lydia, side by side, presenting that happy couple persona. It was killing him. He couldn't resist making the dig about Alec not wanting to ruin his family's carefully crafted reputation and yet it didn't bring him the satisfaction a good quip usually did.

So he left. He got out of there as quickly as he could and he didn't look back. If Alec didn't want to be near him, well, he got the message loud and clear. There was no use in pushing. Alec had made his decision and Magnus had to respect it.

Or, he did, until his old friend gave him some advice that got him thinking.

Alec had torn down the carefully built walls around his heart in only a few meetings. Magnus wanted to fight for that. He decided to try one last time and if it didn't work, he'd concede and leave Alec alone.

So, he crashed their wedding.

Magnus felt something in his chest tighten and squeeze uncomfortably as he took in the image of Alec and Lydia at the alter, Lydia's hand poised to mark Alec's skin with the traditional wedding runes. Runes that he irrationally thought should mark his skin.

His breath caught and he hoped against hope that he had made the right decision.

And, after a few, gut-wrenchingly slow, moments, Magnus knew he had made the right choice.

Feeling Alec's soft lips against his was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Never had a single kiss ignited that kind of spark in him before. Alec was truly unique in the way Magnus felt for him.

Magnus savoured every second of the kiss, unable to resist begging for more by gently nipping Alec's bottom lip, causing the shadowhunter to open his mouth and allow Magnus to slip his tongue in. Magnus felt Alec's hands tighten on his jacket lapels as he let out a tiny, almost inaudible moan. Alec grinned slightly against Magnus' lips, feeling pleased and proud he had made the warlock make that sound.

As they pulled away, chests heaving, Magnus couldn't help but look at the other man in slight awe. This had gone nothing like he'd expected yet exactly how he'd dreamed.

"Well, you never cease to amazing me, Alec."

"Yeah," Alec sighed, "What did I just do?"

Magnus' heart clenched as he worried that Alec already regretted kissing him. Alec sensed this and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. It wasn't much but it comforted Magnus in a way that no single touch had ever done.

Magnus hoped that later they'd get a chance to talk. After all, he needed to know what happened next. Where did they go from here? Would they start dating or would Alec tell him it was all a mistake?

But he couldn't focus on that right now as he had to tell Jace and Clary what he'd found.

Things only got more complicated from there as Magnus had to break the news that it was Camille that had the Book of the White. Magnus felt bile rise in his throat at the thought of having to deal with that….woman once again. She had taken his heart and ripped it to shreds with her carefully manicured nails.

He looked at Alec to find him already looking at him with concern in his eyes. He felt a knot of tension in his chest as he took in the profile of the shadowhunter.

Camille was his past, and Alec was his future. Or, at least he hoped that Alec was his future. One could never be too sure with that man.

But, when, later Alec asked him out for drinks after he'd casually mentioned that they hadn't had their first date yet, Magnus felt his heart swell in his chest.

He was ready. He was so ready to start his future— their future.

Magnus knew it wasn't going to be easy. The very fact that he was a Downworlder and Alec was a shadowhunter, and a Lightwood at that, made it impossible for this to even be considered easy.

But they'd make it work— because they were worth it.

I really hope you guys liked it! This is my first foray into writing Shadowhunters fanfic, so please be gentle with me :D

Any and all favourites, follows, and reviews are extremely loved and very appreciated.

Let me know what you thought? Thanks! Also, if you liked it enough to want me to write for this fandom, please let me know what you'd like and I'll try to make it happen!