Razor
Agent Malkere
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh GX.
A/N: This is told from Chazz's POV again.
I'm not really sure why I do it. Maybe it's because I'm not sure. Maybe it's because I think they might be right. Maybe I can't feel any more. And I have to check. Have to make sure that my nerves will still react; that I'm still human; that I can still bleed.
No one ever knows – I'm always careful not to get caught. I don't want to give them another reason t look down on me. They just don't understand me; nobody does. People say I'm crazy, maybe I am. I can never join them, never be like them, so I just watch and wonder what it's like to be like that. Wonder what it's like to be able to just let go without sinking into depression, but I'll never know. All I can do is watch.
They never seem to feel the cruelty of the world around them. He's always smiling like he doesn't know, doesn't get it. Maybe that's why I find him so annoying. He's always so positive; he doesn't understand what it's like to live in the dark, in the shadows, for nearly half your life. He doesn't realize how painful it is to lose; he just smiles and talks about fun and things like that. Things that don't matter in the darkness. But I envy him, standing out there in the light in his red jacket with that stupid grin because he's never been forced into the shadows. He will never know what it's like to still be in the shadows in broad daylight. Part of me hopes he'll never know because the knowledge will probably kill him. So I just watch them from my shadowy fringes and try to remember what the sunlight feels like.
Maybe that's why I do this to myself, but I don't want to blame them for this because that would mean blaming her and I couldn't do that. Not to her. I don't mind blaming him – usually it's true – but I can't say that about her. She has turned my prison of darkness into a gray dawn so that I can see again, fight again. She doesn't know that her presence holds me up; stops me from collapsing in upon myself. I tried to tell her once, but she didn't understand. Maybe it's better that way. She doesn't think I'm really human, though, just like the others. He does, but he doesn't count because he thinks that about everybody.
I know I'm human, but I check anyway. Sometimes it seems that it's the only thing in my life that's under my control – checking to make sure that I still bleed. I never check anywhere that would be obvious, usually on my arms or ankles. I wear long sleeves all the time anyway. The only difficult time is swimming, but no one cares enough to notice. Why should they? I'm not anybody any more. After he beat me the first time I wasn't anybody any more and the shadows took an even stronger hold.
Most people say the shadows are black, but they aren't black, they're wrong. The shadows are red. Crimson red. Blood red. With tinges of flashing silver slashing through them, making them splash and pool. The shadows can drown you. They never completely let go. Once you've seen them, they stain the rest of your life. Most don't survive them. They die, slowly and painfully, at their own hand. They slowly drain their lifeblood away until there is nothing left. And they smile as they do it.
I don't smile. I don't enjoy the pain. I need it. It's like the pain is all that's keeping me alive.
Sometimes, though… sometimes I can stop. I've been checking less and less these days to make sure that I'm human. Maybe I don't need to reassure myself as much now. Maybe the shadows are starting to become a little brighter, but I'm not sure. After a while, you get used to the darkness; it's almost comforting and the light begins to seem so strange, almost terrifying. It's hard to go back; it's easier to stay here with the known than to face the uncertainty of harsh light.
So I check and I bleed. This time, I'm still human.
A/N: Okay, I thought that was really creepy and I'm the one who wrote it… I think it might be time to start getting worried. Reviews are always appreciated! I enjoy hearing what you all think! I know that was kinda dark…
Btw: (This is a note for Solo's Orca) I haven't given up on the multi-chapter fics, I just have writer's block and (as you my have guessed) my mind has been exploring the darker side of the human personality lately. I'll try to update things soon!