Trust I Seek And I Find In You
This was inspired by Witchy-grrl's fic, "Redemption, or something like it." Written for WG and approved by the girl herself.
The title was taken by a Metallica song, "Nothing Else Matters". It's a wonderful song, and if it didn't skip so much when I play my CD, I would listen to it more often. I think it reflects what does happen, what will happen, and what can happen.
Okay, so I don't own any characters that you may recognize as either property of J.K. Rowling or Joss Whedon. I also don't own the Metallica song I'm sticking at the end of this little aside ficcy. Really, now. If you want me to put my hand on the Bible and swear that I don't own them, I will. Because I don't. And I'm not lying.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Severus looked at his ceiling, trying to sleep. He took the necklace that he wore around his neck during the day off his night stand and looked at the eyes of the snake charm. A gift from the two women who would never stop loving him. They still glowed their silver and green light.
'They're still alive...'
He remembered what Willow had called him the day they met. Sevvie.
He clutched the charm and held it over his heart.
He felt cold; he remembered a night in his sixth year when they had crawled into his bed because they had had nightmares of impending doom.
"There was fire, and we couldn't save you," they explained to him.
The slightly younger of the two rested her head on his shoulder, and he pulled her close as he had done many nights since he was five. The other put her head next to his on the pillow, and he awkwardly put his arm around her, uncertain of how he could provide her with comfort.
He remembered another time, when he was older. It was the summer, and the young girls had had a sleepover. When he woke up, his hair was braided, and there was makeup on his face.
They had smiled sweetly up at him, and he was no longer angry at them.
He remembered holding them close to him when they had cried about the men they would later
call their husbands.
He wished that he could have back those days when he would be the victim of a silly joke; he wanted back the days when they would wear themselves out and he would have to bring them to a bed.
Severus would give everything he had if he could merely hug them once more and tell them how much they meant to him.
Just because someone was still alive didn't mean you would see them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Remus let out a frustrated sigh as he got out of his bed. The other side was empty. Where his partner should lay had barely been touched.
On nights such as that night, what he remembered most was making love to her. He loved the time after, when she would rest her head on his chest and listen to his heart while he played with her hair.
Then, he would remember the night she was gone.
He could even picture the flames. He still saw her, standing there, her friend behind her, bleeding, yelling at him to leave. To save himself.
He remembered how time seemed to slow down, as if it was doing that so he could save her.
How, when he looked to his right, Sirius and Severus were running with him. How strong arms had pushed them all back as the building began to collapse, and a wall of fire separated them.
How the young women cast a spell and threw something through the flames at Severus.
Something he had refused to show anyone to that day.
He remembered being tackled to the ground by Aurors, how Sirius tried to escape and help by turning into a dog (but was re-tackled), how Severus had to be held down by Hagrid.
He remembered his heart twisting the next day as the Ministry announced they were dead. Sirius had paled and thrown up in the bushes, and Severus had curled up into a ball, crying, saying they were still alive.
He thought now that if time really had slowed so they could save them, it was just a cruel joke; three men had lost the two women they loved.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When Remus reached the kitchen, Severus was already there, sitting at a small table.
Remus spoke first. "I was thinking about them again."
"So was I."
"What made you think about them?"
"I was remembering how Willow had called me 'Sevvie.'"
"That's what made me think of them, too."
Severus looked at him. "They're still alive."
Remus felt tears stinging his eyes. "You say that everyday, Severus. Yet, you refuse to tell us how you know."
"Do you remember that they threw something to me through the flames?"
"Yes."
"That's what tells me they're alive."
Remus looked at him, unsure of what to say for a minute. "Have you gotten any owls from them?"
"No. They know when to come back."
"Where do you think they are?"
Severus sighed. "I don't know. If I knew, I would go get them."
Remus folded his arms on the table and rested his head on them. "What do you miss most about
them?"
"Shouldn't it be obvious to you?"
"Besides that."
"How they were the first people to truly appreciate me."
Remus looked at the man's sad eyes, and could not think of a thing to say.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
From his spot in the shadows, Giles watched the two men talk. He thought it was amazing how two people could talk over lost loved ones and never say their names. He did not know who it was, but he had an idea. He remembered two girls who had caught him and Ethan in seventh year casting a spell in the common room that would bring forth a demon; he could still see them running to tell a professor, and standing there as he was being expelled along with Ethan.
The taunts about how he had ended up becoming a Watcher were missing. Severus smiling and trying to hide it from his school mates could not be found when he looked at Severus now. Remus held something sad behind every smile.
It was at this point that Giles knew why Albus had wanted him to talk to Severus about their past. The lost loves, the missing faces, the hugs and kisses that would never be. They were what tied him to Severus. Both could have prevented the deaths of the women they loved if they had been more cautious.
Giles closed his eyes as he pictured Jenny; how he had felt when she had kissed him. He remembered Buffy saying to him, "Ms. Calendar said that you were a babe!" He had known that it was a bluff, just something said to distract him, yet a part of him had hoped that it was true.
Then, he remembered her dead body on his bed, laid there for him by Angelus. Almost like a gift for him.
He still had not avenged her death. Now, he knew he never could.
Giles was not sure of how the two had died, but he knew by the way Severus spoke, looked, talked, and composed himself when he thought no one was watching that he could never avenge the deaths (or supposed deaths, in Severus' mind) of the little ones, as he had called them in school.
He could feel hot tears stinging his eyes. Everything was coming back to Giles. The voices blended together as one. "This is the good box." "What do you care? You HATE me!" "Are you jealous that she and Sirius were snogging, Ripper?" Giles wanted to tell the voices to shut up, but they faded into giggles and smiling faces.
Remus' voice broke through the giggles. "You haven't talked to Rupert yet, have you?"
"No. Why?"
"I don't know. I just thought... well, he might like to know what happened to them. After all, the three of you were all Slytherins together."
"Yes, and they got Ripper as well as Ethan expelled. If anything, he'd be glad to hear of their 'death.'"
Giles felt a cold hand grip his heart.
"How can you be so sure? He's a changed man, after all. He's a Watcher now, and he's helping out Willow with her problem."
"Ripper will always be Ripper. Once a Slytherin, always a Slytherin. Trust me, his feelings towards them will never change."
Giles could not take listening to them anymore and quietly slipped away while the two men continued to talk.
'I have changed, Severus. Maybe if you would open up, you would know that. And... maybe if you opened your eyes, you would see how cruel and cold you've become. I lost someone I loved, too, but I'm not cruel. I had others to help me through it: Buffy, Willow, Xander. They helped me. Did you even accept help from Remus or Sirius? Or did you just think it would be better if you were left alone?'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Heh heh. Sorry, I was really cryptic, but you'll just have to read WG's fic in order to find out who they are. (Even though she hasn't gotten to that part yet!)
I was trying to build up sides of Remus, Severus, and Giles that people may not have seen. For instance, Severus having a sense of humor during his school days. It could have happened, you know. Also, Giles being a Slytherin conflicting with who he is today. Will he always be a Slytherin, or could he really have changed?
And, just because I felt it was appropriate, a snippet from a Metallica song, "Until It Sleeps" (really very beautiful; I suggest you listen to it):
Where do I take this pain of mine
I run, but it stays right my side
So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps
-Yoshi Girl Snape
This was inspired by Witchy-grrl's fic, "Redemption, or something like it." Written for WG and approved by the girl herself.
The title was taken by a Metallica song, "Nothing Else Matters". It's a wonderful song, and if it didn't skip so much when I play my CD, I would listen to it more often. I think it reflects what does happen, what will happen, and what can happen.
Okay, so I don't own any characters that you may recognize as either property of J.K. Rowling or Joss Whedon. I also don't own the Metallica song I'm sticking at the end of this little aside ficcy. Really, now. If you want me to put my hand on the Bible and swear that I don't own them, I will. Because I don't. And I'm not lying.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Severus looked at his ceiling, trying to sleep. He took the necklace that he wore around his neck during the day off his night stand and looked at the eyes of the snake charm. A gift from the two women who would never stop loving him. They still glowed their silver and green light.
'They're still alive...'
He remembered what Willow had called him the day they met. Sevvie.
He clutched the charm and held it over his heart.
He felt cold; he remembered a night in his sixth year when they had crawled into his bed because they had had nightmares of impending doom.
"There was fire, and we couldn't save you," they explained to him.
The slightly younger of the two rested her head on his shoulder, and he pulled her close as he had done many nights since he was five. The other put her head next to his on the pillow, and he awkwardly put his arm around her, uncertain of how he could provide her with comfort.
He remembered another time, when he was older. It was the summer, and the young girls had had a sleepover. When he woke up, his hair was braided, and there was makeup on his face.
They had smiled sweetly up at him, and he was no longer angry at them.
He remembered holding them close to him when they had cried about the men they would later
call their husbands.
He wished that he could have back those days when he would be the victim of a silly joke; he wanted back the days when they would wear themselves out and he would have to bring them to a bed.
Severus would give everything he had if he could merely hug them once more and tell them how much they meant to him.
Just because someone was still alive didn't mean you would see them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Remus let out a frustrated sigh as he got out of his bed. The other side was empty. Where his partner should lay had barely been touched.
On nights such as that night, what he remembered most was making love to her. He loved the time after, when she would rest her head on his chest and listen to his heart while he played with her hair.
Then, he would remember the night she was gone.
He could even picture the flames. He still saw her, standing there, her friend behind her, bleeding, yelling at him to leave. To save himself.
He remembered how time seemed to slow down, as if it was doing that so he could save her.
How, when he looked to his right, Sirius and Severus were running with him. How strong arms had pushed them all back as the building began to collapse, and a wall of fire separated them.
How the young women cast a spell and threw something through the flames at Severus.
Something he had refused to show anyone to that day.
He remembered being tackled to the ground by Aurors, how Sirius tried to escape and help by turning into a dog (but was re-tackled), how Severus had to be held down by Hagrid.
He remembered his heart twisting the next day as the Ministry announced they were dead. Sirius had paled and thrown up in the bushes, and Severus had curled up into a ball, crying, saying they were still alive.
He thought now that if time really had slowed so they could save them, it was just a cruel joke; three men had lost the two women they loved.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When Remus reached the kitchen, Severus was already there, sitting at a small table.
Remus spoke first. "I was thinking about them again."
"So was I."
"What made you think about them?"
"I was remembering how Willow had called me 'Sevvie.'"
"That's what made me think of them, too."
Severus looked at him. "They're still alive."
Remus felt tears stinging his eyes. "You say that everyday, Severus. Yet, you refuse to tell us how you know."
"Do you remember that they threw something to me through the flames?"
"Yes."
"That's what tells me they're alive."
Remus looked at him, unsure of what to say for a minute. "Have you gotten any owls from them?"
"No. They know when to come back."
"Where do you think they are?"
Severus sighed. "I don't know. If I knew, I would go get them."
Remus folded his arms on the table and rested his head on them. "What do you miss most about
them?"
"Shouldn't it be obvious to you?"
"Besides that."
"How they were the first people to truly appreciate me."
Remus looked at the man's sad eyes, and could not think of a thing to say.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
From his spot in the shadows, Giles watched the two men talk. He thought it was amazing how two people could talk over lost loved ones and never say their names. He did not know who it was, but he had an idea. He remembered two girls who had caught him and Ethan in seventh year casting a spell in the common room that would bring forth a demon; he could still see them running to tell a professor, and standing there as he was being expelled along with Ethan.
The taunts about how he had ended up becoming a Watcher were missing. Severus smiling and trying to hide it from his school mates could not be found when he looked at Severus now. Remus held something sad behind every smile.
It was at this point that Giles knew why Albus had wanted him to talk to Severus about their past. The lost loves, the missing faces, the hugs and kisses that would never be. They were what tied him to Severus. Both could have prevented the deaths of the women they loved if they had been more cautious.
Giles closed his eyes as he pictured Jenny; how he had felt when she had kissed him. He remembered Buffy saying to him, "Ms. Calendar said that you were a babe!" He had known that it was a bluff, just something said to distract him, yet a part of him had hoped that it was true.
Then, he remembered her dead body on his bed, laid there for him by Angelus. Almost like a gift for him.
He still had not avenged her death. Now, he knew he never could.
Giles was not sure of how the two had died, but he knew by the way Severus spoke, looked, talked, and composed himself when he thought no one was watching that he could never avenge the deaths (or supposed deaths, in Severus' mind) of the little ones, as he had called them in school.
He could feel hot tears stinging his eyes. Everything was coming back to Giles. The voices blended together as one. "This is the good box." "What do you care? You HATE me!" "Are you jealous that she and Sirius were snogging, Ripper?" Giles wanted to tell the voices to shut up, but they faded into giggles and smiling faces.
Remus' voice broke through the giggles. "You haven't talked to Rupert yet, have you?"
"No. Why?"
"I don't know. I just thought... well, he might like to know what happened to them. After all, the three of you were all Slytherins together."
"Yes, and they got Ripper as well as Ethan expelled. If anything, he'd be glad to hear of their 'death.'"
Giles felt a cold hand grip his heart.
"How can you be so sure? He's a changed man, after all. He's a Watcher now, and he's helping out Willow with her problem."
"Ripper will always be Ripper. Once a Slytherin, always a Slytherin. Trust me, his feelings towards them will never change."
Giles could not take listening to them anymore and quietly slipped away while the two men continued to talk.
'I have changed, Severus. Maybe if you would open up, you would know that. And... maybe if you opened your eyes, you would see how cruel and cold you've become. I lost someone I loved, too, but I'm not cruel. I had others to help me through it: Buffy, Willow, Xander. They helped me. Did you even accept help from Remus or Sirius? Or did you just think it would be better if you were left alone?'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Heh heh. Sorry, I was really cryptic, but you'll just have to read WG's fic in order to find out who they are. (Even though she hasn't gotten to that part yet!)
I was trying to build up sides of Remus, Severus, and Giles that people may not have seen. For instance, Severus having a sense of humor during his school days. It could have happened, you know. Also, Giles being a Slytherin conflicting with who he is today. Will he always be a Slytherin, or could he really have changed?
And, just because I felt it was appropriate, a snippet from a Metallica song, "Until It Sleeps" (really very beautiful; I suggest you listen to it):
Where do I take this pain of mine
I run, but it stays right my side
So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps
-Yoshi Girl Snape