Paper Cut
Have you ever felt cold? Not the kind when you go outside and get that chill from bad
weather, the kind where there's something wrong, something very disturbing that
you have kept inside of you and you have never told a soul.
The pain of not telling someone your secret is like a paper cut that never heals, slowly, day by day it starts to irritate you. That little slip of skin now taking over your mind and not letting you think, sleep, or eat. All you can do is wait and hope.
Maybe someone will find out about your dark secret and the paper cut will heal but then again maybe no one will and the paper cut remains and digs deeper until it takes over your entire body.
That is the coldness I feel.
The feel of loneliness, the paper cut slowly etching its way into my mind and when I fight back it just fights harder and continues.
I have a secret that no one understands, why would they understand? They don't know me, no one does.
So here I am in the train compartment listening to Ron and his friends babble about their summer. Who talks that much anyway? Well This group is definitely on a role.
"Hey Ginny want to come with us we're going to go find the trolley?" Ron had hope in his voice towards me, his sister, hoping I would be my normal self again but that would never happen, I can guarantee you.
So I stared at him letting the silence speak for me.
I saw the hope vanish out of his eyes and the three goodie goodies left me alone to my thoughts. To tell you the truth that is what I fear the most, my thoughts are like the monsters under the bed that little kids fear. My minds little file rooms filled with joys and happiness but others…. others filled with misery and ...and that secret.
I will never open my thoughts, I fear that once I open them that secret will appear and force its self out of me. That my friends… would be the end of me. The paper cut would then turn into a scrape and then a stab and before you know it a bleeding hole would be left where my heart should be.
If only people knew what I felt, my friends and family look at me differently now. Trying to get me to talk to them and open up. I laugh at there attempts to try, I wont talk again because if I do that secret might spill and I've tried way to hard to push it aside. I will not talk about it even though the secret is numbing me.
If only they understood what feelings can do to a person. IT's face comes back to show in my dreams and thoughts when I least expect it making me not want to think anymore but to run out of my body screaming. IT comes knowing that it is the deepest part of the secret and IT likes it.
I wish IT would go away. But there is no wishing, wishing is like hoping and hoping is false. To hope and to wish is like trying to fly. You try your hardest but no matter how many times you try you never do… you never fly.
Why does IT come back you ask? Well to remind me of the secret of course because IT is the paper cut and like the paper cut IT likes to remind me of the pain…. The pain of that night, that mistake.
I feel cold, colder than before and I can tell it is getting deeper; the wound is etching its way into my soul and heart. Soon it will be imbedded like a virus. IT smiles to me when I feel this way; IT likes how it is getting to me… how the pain is getting to me.
Of course I have tried to get rid of IT but I can't. IT is like a dog that follows me everywhere and won't go home. So I gave up the fight, the fight for good and the fight for my life and now….IT consumes me.
My every thoughts, movements, senses are under IT's power. So now I am the dog and IT is the master I follow IT everywhere as I am the dog.
Maybe someday I will win over IT maybe someday I will stand up and fight for what's right. For now I will hide in the smallest corner of my mind and wait.
The pain gets stronger with each breath and I see the past of that night, that mistake. IT has come to show me what happened, IT has come to open the secret.
Flashback
The smell of beer and other fumes came to my nose as I stepped into the house of the party that my friend, Luna Lovegood had dragged me to. I don't know why I agreed to come to this its not that entertaining looking.
I watched curiously as people danced and others sucked on each other's faces. I danced to a few songs but my throat is getting really dry and scratchy from the yelling over the music.
I tell Luna that I'm going to find something to drink and I head into the kitchen in hopes to find some juice or water, juice is on the counter of the kitchen so I grab a cup and pour some into my cup then take a swig.
I immediately gave a look of disgust from the first sip and set the drink back down.
Then I saw the eyes, the most beautiful eyes imaginable. They were looking at me from a small room that was engulfed in darkness all I could see were his eyes, his intoxicating blue eyes. He stepped out of the shadows and I almost gasped for breath at the sight of him, goose bumps drown my body.
His pale skin glowed softly against the dim lit light and his blonde hair fell in his face giving him a look of pure beauty. He came closer to me and asked me for a dance. We walked in silence as the slow music started and he pressed his body against mine. After a few minutes I started to get a dizzy feeling and asked to sit down. He carried me to an empty bedroom and started to nuzzle my neck leaving my mind numb.
The pain started to worsen in my head, it was buzzing around so fast I couldn't even see straight and my vision blurred immensely.
I told him I didn't want to but… he didn't listen and that's when I could smell the beer on his breath, the foul smell of a wasted man.
I couldn't feel, I couldn't breath, I couldn't think, and I couldn't move. All I could do was wait, wait for the pain to be over.
He zipped his pants and just smiled at me in the darkness then walked out of the room.
He hurt me… he raped me.
End of Flashback
The tears come to my face and fall silently but I don't care. There's nothing to care about anymore because IT has hurt me and IT liked it.
How can I go on like this? I feel so ashamed, I'm the only one to blame and I know that because I could have prevented it.
Its too late now, its over and done but the pain still remains and that's what hurts the most, day and night it hurts and it never leaves my wake.
The door suddenly opened and the thing I fear the most, the secret I would pray to avoid and IT walked in the room.
He sat across from me and looked at me with the familiar intoxicating blue eyes, never blinking and never moving, only his chest rises and falls and I can hear the sound of air moving in and out.
"What do you want?" I asked IT calmly, talking for the first time in two months. I could feel myself panic.
Outside I looked relaxed but inside I was dying, the feeling of knives piercing my flesh over and over again made me gasp for air as I feel like I am suffocating slowly. My palms quickly drench in sweat as I fiddle with my fingers and try to avoid his gaze.
"To talk." Draco Malfoy replied calmly, staring at me, knowing what I was thinking.
He himself was thinking the same thing and he had been feeling the same pain.
I don't know what to do; to say, all I do is sit there wincing with every move and noise that comes to my senses.
"I'm so sorry Ginny. I really am." He whispered softly from across the compartment. I noticed his eyes fill with a new emotion…. was it guilt?
I stop; my entire world stiffens at the words that pour out of his mouth. I can't trust him, not after what he did to me… can I?
I can feel the paper cut stop immediately and the coldness freezes. It retreats, the paper cut slowly goes farther… and farther away until it's out of sight.
The pain is gone….I… I can't feel it anymore. Large sobs escape my mouth and I cry into my hands from the sudden feeling…. I can breath again.
After a few seconds of crying I sniffle and scrunch up my nose as I look back into the eyes that I once feared.
"You don't know how long I have waited to hear you say that." I replied warmly to the boy sitting in front of me.
I can feel warmth return to me, my heart beats at a steady rate and pounds with blood rushing back to every part of my body sending the feeling of happiness that I haven't felt for months.
I smile at him, not a fake smile that I have plastered on my face for two long, agonizing months but a true smile broke out from ear to ear.
Now the secret is open and the only hint of a paper cut left is a scar that will remain forever.