Hello! Welcome to my first Kenshin fanfiction. And my first posting as The Unworthy Akemi! Please enjoy!

Disclaimer: This unworthy one will never, ever own Rurouni Kenshin, except insofar as she owns her own sometimes very silly fantasies. I also don't own the poem, which I found while cleaning my room.

And with as little adieu as possible:

After a While

After a while you learn

On June 1st two weeks before my birthday, a little less than three years after he came into my life, Himura Kenshin left me, just before dawn. But I wasn't surprised, not like I was the last time, when it should have been clearer than light shining off a sword. No, I wasn't surprised. Because May 28th I was kidnapped. For the 15th time. I don't know how I came to keep track, but I did. And I saw how Kenshin looked at me when he came, after he fought, a little more violently than usual. It was almost like hearing his thoughts, in that brief moment before he smiled, and expressed his relief. 'My fault. Not again.' And those words, they didn't leave his eyes. 'My fault'. I'd see them in snatches, when he saw my smile, turned crooked from bruising. 'My fault'. When it took me longer than usual for me to stand. 'Not again'. And on the fourth day after being captured, taunted, and then beaten, I saw another look in his eyes. 'She'll be okay' and in the hazy reflection of his eyes, I saw the cherry blossoms falling again. There was that look in his eyes that made me think of fireflies and sadness.

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand

And chaining a soul,

But I didn't try to stop him that night. I read everything; his eyes, his mouth, his stance, his movement told me. I held his hand while he showered me in all the gentle ministrations he could muster. I tried to make him understand things. Me. Himself. The present. I always fancied myself as being Kenshin's present, even as I hoped to claim the future, dared to think I already had. Hadn't he said so? Before Enishi? Before the last , was it 9 kidnappings?

"Kenshin." I said, on the last night of May. "You know I don't blame you right? That it isn't your fault?"

"Yes." The hand rewrapping the bandage on my ankle was as light as his voice, already leaving. "You never blame me." He said even softer, screaming bitterness.

"Well, would you rather I did? It wasn't your fault! Is it your fault that every nut job in Japan thinks they have to kidnap me to get to you?"

"Yes." Of course, I had been ready for his answer. The blood on his hands. We could never forget the damn blood. Staining our future, blinding him. Binding him.

"Kenshin no baka." I murmured, furious, but gently chiding. "Baka." I paused, trying to guess how he would react to what I would say next. "Maybe it's my fault." I'm not strong enough, and not weak enough to fully rely on him, to stay demurely at home, or be accompanied everywhere. "If I was more-"

"Please don't, Kaoru-dono." He murmured weakly. Weak. "It is only sessha who is to blame. In order to hurt sessha, they try to attack my weakness."

"I know." His weakness. Me. Weak.

"Kaoru-dono-" he heard it in my voice.

"It's just," I begin, with a crooked smile, tinted with pain. "I never wanted to be anyone's weakness. And sometimes…it's hard to be yours, Kenshin, to think that I've made you weak." I reached out and took his hand, a bold move, usually left to him. I needed something to feel so that I would remember. I rubbed a cheek against the back of his hand, that beloved, blood stained hand.

"Kaoru-dono. Sessha does not mean to say that Kaoru-dono is weak. Or that she is a burden. Sessha would never…Kaoru-dono has done so much for sessha."

"Chigau." Wrong. It's so wrong for him to say that. He shouldn't. I think I hate someone, just a little. Him or me, I'm not sure. I shouldn't have let him call me '-dono' I shouldn't have made his do so many chores. I think it's thrown a lot of our relationship off balance, or rather, it's allowed him to do so. It lets him play the "unworthy one" more easily, living like a servant or something.  

"You don't owe me anything." I kissed his hand, and tried to remember the one time he kissed me, just after the whole Jinchuu mess. It was so long ago. At the time it seemed so binding, a binding firmer than the hand in mine.

"Good-night, Kenshin."

"Good-night, Kaoru dono."

And you learn that love doesn't

Mean leaning

And company doesn't always mean security.

He left the next night.

 He didn't say good-bye. He left a note, but it was short.

"Kaoru-dono," it said.

"I'm sorry to leave like this. Please don't worry for this unworthy one and become happy. –Rurouni Kenshin" Wanderer Kenshin. The dojo was so still. Breakfast was on the stove, still warm. That's how I knew he left so near dawn. I ate. And then I cried until Yahiko came for his lesson.

"Oi! Busu?! Where the heck are you? OI! You sleep in again? CHE! You're so lazy! And it's not like more beauty sleep can help you!" I wiped my tears away. I wasn't the same Kaoru that Kenshin left to go fight in Kyoto. I wet my face to take what I hoped was most visible sign of my tears away.

"Yahiko-chan! MOU! You're so loud, you little punk! Are you really ready to live-What?"

"Something happened." Yahiko scowled, which was his version of looking apprehensive. I dropped my anger, in almost relief. I took a deep breath.

"Kenshin's left." I handed him the letter. Then I went back inside and changed from my sleeping yukata into a kimono. Yahiko and I wouldn't be having our lesson today. Yahiko stayed that day, and I knew he would spend the night too. He called me by my name.

"Kaoru, why'd he leave, again? After Jinchuu…Doesn't he know that we need him around? If he really-"

"You really are just a kid, Yahiko-chan."

"Oi! Don't call me '-chan'!" I giggled.

 I tried to remember how it felt to be safe. Somehow without Kenshin around I felt exposed, almost naked. He was safety in a way that had nothing to do with how many crazy warriors, or just plain psychos decided to hurt me because I loved him. His absence did nothing to my love for him, didn't intensive it to a crazed need. Didn't weaken it with my anger at being left again. So I thought maybe. Maybe I could be strong this time without him. I could love him without the comfort of his company. Maybe I could still hold onto my one sided commitment.  

And you begin to learn

I wrote to the Oniwabanshu the next day, to Misao-chan.

"Misao-chan," I wrote, "Kenshin's left again. Please tell me if you hear anything of where he's gone. I'll head to Kyoto, because I can't think of where else he might have gone. I might stop by. – Kaoru"

Kenshin was gone. But I didn't know if he meant to stay gone.

Somehow small things were catching in my brain. Little glances, murmured endearments, nights that he peeked into my room when he thought I was asleep, the way my clothes and sheets were always the cleanest of the laundry. I wasn't going to worry that he didn't care. Because I'd learned better. I started to hope that he'd come back on his own, but I wasn't going to wait for him. Because I had come to know myself better than that, I would search for him. I'd always be waiting for him, waiting to welcome him home, come back to me. And if he'd told me that he had to go away for a while I would have done so. But to sit and wonder, worry, despair…move on, forget…I couldn't do that. I'd never be able to do that. 

I packed up, left the dojo in Yahiko's care and a note on the table for Kenshin then headed to Kyoto, to visit a person who might know where he was.

The note said, "Okaeri Nasai." A weak substitute for my promised greeting.

That kisses aren't contracts,

And presents aren't promises,

The night before I left, I dreamt of the time Kenshin kissed me.

It happened like this:

"Kenshin, you shouldn't be moving! No arguments, you hear me!?" I chirped, thrilled to be able to play nurse to him, and acting extra perky to balance his sullen, fearful, introversion. Silently, he stopped trying to rise and settled back down on his futon.

 "Good! Now I brought you breakfast, Tae brought it by this morning. She was very strange too, she almost dropped it when she saw me, and she was crying and laughing…" I wanted him to tell me what had happened. I had a hunch though. Details and snippets of information from my friends, from Kenshin, and from Enishi, that had formed rough possibilities. Rakuninmura, what would drive Kenshin to waste away in Rakuninmura? Why would he waste away instead of coming for me right away? What would make everyone so overjoyed, and tearfully relieved to see me? How far would Enishi go to exact his revenge? What would he think was fittingly, cruelly punishing. I wondered how Enishi faked my death well enough to fool them all.

"Kaoru…-dono. Kaoru. S-Sessha – Sessha-" I set the tray down and went to him, pulling his head into my lap and stroking his hair, his scarred cheek.  It was too soon. But I'd make sure he told me eventually, because he kept too much inside as it was. And I wanted to know.

"Shh. It's all right, ne, Kenshin? I'm okay, aren't I? Mou, I didn't even end up fighting at all. And except that one bruise I never even got hurt! Not like you, Kenshin no baka! You're too much!" he smiled, eyes closed.

"You protect everyone but yourself." He shook his head.

"No." he said. "I was too late." The smile fell away.

"I'm right here, aren't I? So how could you have been too late? You worry too much! It'll turn all your hair gray! Mou, and then what will we do with you? I'd never forgive you if you made your hair turn gray too early!" he smiled again, but too soon it fell away.

"I should have known-should have come sooner. Kaoru-dono, please forgive this unworthy one. No…no don't forgive…Sessha doesn't deserve…but Sessha is sorry. I won't fail you again. I won't let anything happen to you ever again." I brushed my lips against his forehead.

"Kenshin," I said, eyes closed, but smiling, for him, "You're too good of a man. Maybe I'm the 'unworthy one'" The next second, he was kissing me, passionately, blindly, until I was breathless.

"Kaoru." He murmured, still kissing me, now with soft brushes of his lips, now with bruising passion, "Kaoru. Kaoru. Kaoru." There was reassurance, helplessness, that endless sorrow I'd seen haunting his eyes, the equally endless relief.  When he finally pulled away my lips were swollen and my face flushed. His was flushed too, his lips pink and he was drowsy, still recovering after all, and he had released so much of he turmoil. We slept beside each other, in chaste comfort. And it never happened again.

Just before I left for Kyoto, I looked into his room for the first time since he'd left. There, on his folded futon, was a small flat-ish parcel with my name on it. I opened it and there was a note and an indigo ribbon, the color of both our eyes, depending on the lighting.

"Kaoru. I meant to give this to you for your birthday this year. It isn't much but I thought you'd like it." I smiled and tied it in my hair. It smelled like his room, like him. Soon it wouldn't smell like him, but instead it would smell like my favorite jasmine oil. I shut the shoji carefully behind me, to hold the smell, and feel of him inside.

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead,

With the grace of a woman

Not the grief of a child.

For all the strength I tried to muster, there was no doubt that he'd left me wounded. But I was proud to be able to wave confidently to Yahiko, who would have been horrified to look how worried and vulnerable he'd looked on the train platform, waving dully back at me. His eyes were shadowed since Kenshin left. I wasn't the only one Kenshin hurt. And Yahiko was just a boy, one who'd been left alone too long, too many times. I hoped Tae and Tsubame would visit him as much as they'd promised. I dabbed away a stray tear from my eye. Lately I'd been crying a little easier. It was June 4th.

"Kenshin." I murmured. His name had come to hold all my hopes and fears. In the light streaming through the train window my ribbon had a deep lavender sheen. I didn't cry the rest of the way to Kyoto. Instead I thought about the roads he might be traveling, and the landscape passed quickly by the window of the moving train, I tried in vain to catch a glimpse of a familiar, beloved red.  

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is

Too uncertain for plans,

I didn't know what I'd say when I saw him. I didn't even know if I expected to find him in Kyoto, or what I would do if I didn't. I missed Yahiko. And Sano, wherever he was. And even Megumi. Maybe, if Kenshin wasn't in Kyoto, I'd go visit her in Aizu next. But for the time being I couldn't go home. Not without him. Maybe Kenshin would visit her. I might find him there. I don't think he could be alone the way he used to be. I wondered if that was true, and if he realized it if it was.

"Excuse me…Miss….Miss. I thought I heard you say you were getting off in Kyoto at the Tokyo station. I'm sorry to wake you."  I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep until a man's quiet, apologetic voice and hesitant touch woke me.

"Ah! I am. Thank you for waking me!" he smiled and left me to gather up my things and hurry off the train. I didn't go to the Aoiya. No, that was only my secondary destination. The only thing I was sure of, the biggest hope of finding him at present was with Hiko. So, thankful that'd I'd only brought the barest essentials, and glad that'd I bought myself new, sturdy shoes for traveling, I started the long trek to his mountain cabin. I wondered what Kenshin was doing at that moment, and tried to think of what I'd say when I saw him again, whether I'd be angry or relieved or overjoyed, or whether I'd just cry. As I walked, I thought about our future.

And futures have a way of falling

Down in mid flight.

"You're late!" Hiko barked at me as soon as I arrived.

"I apologize, Hiko-san." I said, gritting my teeth only the tiniest bit at his continued bold arrogance and superiority. "I did not know I was expected."

"Well when my baka deshi turned up at my doorstep not two days ago-"

"KENSHIN?!" something in me soared. The future was suddenly bright and close. "Kenshin's here! Where is he?! Kenshin!" there were tears in my eyes, and I imagine I sounded much like the love stricken woman I was, calling out for him like I was lost.

"He's gone, girl, by about a day." Hiko gruffed. I think I must have crumbled, because somehow I was sitting on the ground, looking even more upwards than usual at him. And I was crying again.

"Gone?" I said in a small voice I was ashamed of. "Gone where?"

"Don't know. The idiot wouldn't tell me. He seemed to think I would tell you if he did. He thought you'd come looking for him."

"He talked about me?"

"He's a blithering idiot." Hiko said by way of response.

"What'd he say?"

"I'm supposed to listen to that idiot?"

"You raised him!"

"Hn. I deny it. How could someone raised by Hiko Seijiiro the 13th turn out so ridiculously stupid?"

"Is he coming back home?" if he was, I thought, maybe I could just go home and wait, maybe I could wait. However long it might be…

"Why would you want him to?"

"It's his home. He has to come home." I didn't want to tell Hiko about my feelings, especially when I was so sure he already knew.

"Che. You think he deserves it?"

"OF COURSE HE DOES!" I decided then, that the next time I saw Kenshin I was definitely going to hit him, at least once, for being the reason I had to visit Hiko. And then I would hug him and baby him to make up for him being raised like a man like this.

"He said it was the best way to protect you. A sad sentiment, but then, he was a sad, little, puddle of an idiot. He doesn't want to see you hurt anymore because of him."

"Kenshin no BAKA!" I cried out angrily, not caring that it was in front of Kenshin's master. Hiko smiled

"Hn. It's three o'clock already. Don't you usually take tea about this time?" I was surprised, and laughed. Maybe…just maybe…Hiko wasn't the insufferable jerk that I thought.

"All right. I'd like that."

"He left careful instructions on the preparation." Hiko remarked disdainfully. I laughed again, through the stray tears.

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns

If you get too much,

After staying two nights, to see if Kenshin might come back, living probably as close to pampered as anyone living with Hiko Seijiiro ever would, I moved on. I didn't go to the Aoiya, instead I went caught a mid-day train to Aizu. I arrived in the late afternoon, and spent the remaining daylight locating Megumi's residence, only to learn upon arriving there, that she usually, on that particular day, spent the night at the clinic she worked in across town. My sturdy shoes were feeling much less sturdy.

"Hey there, pretty missy, aren't you pretty?"

Oh joy. Idiots.

"Very pretty, Hey there, pretty Jou-chan."

Idiots with small vocabularies. And only one such idiot ruffian had a right to call me Jou-chan.

"Hey. Stop and chat with us awhile, little pretty. It isn't often that we see such pretty little girls walking alone this time of night."

"I'm not stopping, and you will get out of my way." I said in my fighting voice. I met the first creep's alcohol dazed eyes and smiled. They were big. But I'd fought bigger. And they were drunk enough not to think.

"Fiesty, that's how I like it, how 'bout you?" I didn't wait to hear his friends disgusting attempt at witty lechery.

"No, I'm sorry, you really aren't my type. I prefer men. Not pigs."

I felt, deep down a strange fear. No Kenshin to save me. No Kenshin to pull me out of any unexpected danger at the last second. And no Kenshin to comfort me and fuss over me when I got home. No Kenshin to take care of me. No Kenshin to care.

I attacked when they lunged, but just a second too late. That fear, I hadn't realized had built in me, that reliance on him, distracted me. Maybe it was my fault I was always being kindnapped. I fell, wincing, but shook off my fear. I was Kaoru Kamiya! And if I could face Kenshin's enemies with confidence, just knowing he would be there at the end then I could do it just as well on my own. I rolled, and jumped to my feet. After all, the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu was half jujutsu form and I wasn't its master for nothing.

So I was really only a little scratched up when I finally knocked on the door of Megumi's clinic.

"Kaoru-chan?!" she was surprised to see me. "WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU WERE FIGHTING?"  She dragged me into her office and pulled out a familiar looking medicine chest. "When did you get here? Why didn't you write?"

"I just got here this afternoon. It was kind of a last minute thing."

"Just got here and already brawling in the streets. Poor Ken-san. You'll never change." Funny. I'd never heard affection directed at me when she spoke to me before.

"Kenshin's gone." Megumi's smile, the kind, comforting smile I don't think either of us had ever noticed falling into place when she was dealing small children and non-threatening injuries, fell off her face.

"What?" even though she'd heard well enough the first time.

"He left. Left a note. Left a present. Left me."

"Why?"

"I got kidnapped again. He decided it was too dangerous for him to stay." Megumi frowned. I shrugged and felt welling tears

"He wouldn't feel that way if he knew that without him around you just go gallivanting around the country side. Fighting like some chicken head."

"Probably not." I smiled just a little.

"Kaoru." She sighed. Megumi seemed a lot less belligerent than I remembered.

"I'm fine! I took care of those guys didn't I?"

"You sprained your wrist, Tanuki-chan. And look at your face, it's bleeding."

"Well, yeah, one of the guys had a knife…and …well…"

"You're a foolish little Tanuki, just like always." Megumi sighed again, but more dramatically.

"Megumi-san!"

"I'll make you up a futon, little Tanuki, and we'll see if that will keep you out of trouble. I'm going to write to Genzai-sensei in the morning though."

"Megumi-san!" she insisted on treating me like a child.

"To see if Ken-san's dragged his sorry, guilt ridden self back yet, only to have a  heart attack when he found out you weren't there, or with his Shishou in Kyoto, who I'm sure he expected to keep you there or else send you home. How is Hiko anyway? Still an arrogant oaf?"

"Pretty much. But he made me tea-MOU! How do you know Kenshin did all that?"

"Because Ken-san cares for you, Kaoru-chan, and he wouldn't want anything to hurt you while he's busy doing it himself. Now let me get you your futon."

"Megumi-san?"

"What is it now?"

"Thank you. It's good to see you again."

"Well I'm glad you finally appreciate my advanced feminine wisdom." She smirked. But there was softness that I hadn't noticed before.

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers.

After visiting with Megumi, I decided to go home after staying with her another night or two. I could wait for Kenshin at home. It would be better for me to be there, anyway. To keep my promise to him, even though he broke his. To be there to say, "Okaeri nasai" when he came back to me. Anyway, I had my dojo to run, my classes to teach. I had Yahiko, and Megumi-san, and the Oniwabanshu and Tae and Tsubame-chan. I wasn't really alone, even if, without Kenshin, there'd always be a Kenshin shaped hole in my heart, one that would never heal. I would bear it as long as I could.

And then I'd never let him leave again.

The cut on my face looked like the long stroke of his scar. I knew it did, because I'd spent years studying that scar, tracing it in my mind, and once or twice with my fingers on his cheek. For that reason, I kind of liked it. Megumi told me not to touch it so much. But I wouldn't let her put a bandage on it.

"Tadaima" I said, coming back to the dojo. Yahiko was away. It was empty.

I sighed and went to put my stuff away and change into clothed for cleaning.

And you learn

The next day I did the laundry, and managed not to cry while I did.

That you really can endure,

The next I went and ate at the Akabeko with Yahiko, and teased him until he was so angry he couldn't look like a dejected child anymore.

That you really are strong

I slept with the ribbon, wrapped around my hand, and a hand cupped to the healing cut on my cheek.

And you learn,

The next morning I attempted to make onigiri animals, and cried for only ten minutes as I failed miserably.

And you learn,

I taught all my classes and stopped a petty thief.

"Where's the Battosai." Saitoh scowled and drawled out at me when I dragged in the thief. Shouldn't he be here glaring "politely" at me because one more idiot tried to harm you?"

"You're welcome Saitoh. I'll tell Kenshin to come and visit you if you miss him that much."

"Watch it, Kamiya. Don't think I won't shut that insolent mouth of yours if it needs it."

"Good-day Saitoh."

With every good-bye

In the yard of the dojo, shoulders slumped dejectedly there was a familiar figure, red hair glittering in the sunlight filtering through the big tree in the yard. He didn't sense me yet. But I knew in a moment he would. Knew because I could tell that's what he was looking for. I saw the lines of sadness and guilt and worry in his stance, even before he tensed the turned around with wide violet eyes to look at me sorrowfully. He frowned deeper and raised a hand to his cheek as his eyes traced the red cut on my cheek.

"K-Kaoru-dono"

"I looked for you." I said.

"I thought you would, Kaoru…Kaoru-dono." I shook my head slightly.

"Kenshin no baka."

"Hai. I just wanted…"

"I know. But that's why you're stupid."

"What happened?"

"I got into a street fight in Aizu."

"Aizu?"

"Yeah. Your Shishou agreed that it might be a place you would go. Actually he lent me a little money for the trip. He says you have to pay him back double."

"But! I told him…"

"So Hiko-san normally listens to what you tell him to do?" Kenshin sighed and shook his head.

"I went back to see him on my way, to see if you were there… and he…He said something was wrong with you…that you were barely able to stand." He said unexpectedly.

"Well I suppose when I saw him I was." I had fallen right in front of him, after all. I realized that Kenshin had probably greatly softened what Hiko-san actually said, which was most likely an insult to me, or Kenshin, or both of us. He was quiet.

"I missed you. Yahiko missed you." I looked into his eyes as I said it, instead of looking away. And there was sorrow there. But also determination. Understanding. Did he finally understand?

"I'm so sorry Kaoru." He took a step forward and then paused. "I thought…but it wasn't... Could you ever forgive this unworthy one?"

"No." I said, hiding my eyes. And cringing at the palpable burst of pain. "But I could forgive Kenshin." He stopped wilting.

"I am sorry."

"You're very stupid. Hiko-san and I decided we agree on that. Megumi-san too." he laughed hesitantly.

"I thought you'd be angrier." He replied in bemused amusement.

"Me too. I'll probably beat you up tomorrow." He smiled gently. I smiled too, and it hurt a little, and was a little crooked.   

"Kenshin."

"Hmm?" He asked faintly, running a soft regretful hand over my cheek.

 

You learn

"Okaeri nasai."

"Tadaima."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Please review! Thanks for reading!