Ron Stoppable: Ineligible Bachelor
By S-Chrome
Disclaimer: Despite the almost too obvious title, Ron and the rest of the bit players are copyrighted by Disney. And so forth...
Token Song Lyrics
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a who's mine, all mine
I need a girl, in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else, because she's all mine
I need a girl, in my life
-Usher and the talentless P. Diddy - "I Need A Girl"
What was it that made Ron Stoppable horrifically unlucky in the raucous game of love? Hmmm... Was it the freaky-looking mole rat that he kept in his pocket? Was it the look of an obvious social outcast? Perhaps it was his lack of knowledge of the fairer sex... Then again, maybe it was the fact that his style was weak... Particularly last week. OK, OK, OK... It could also be the fact that he lacked confidence, or the Pink Sloth personality. Or...
OK...Are those enough reasons or what?
Even though he was what most called a loser, that certainly didn't deter the blond from making what he called "Power Moves With Tha Ladies." In other words, use cheesier than Limberger pick-up lines and hope that they would do him common courtesy of replying. Speaking of power moves, Stoppable was making one at this very instant. Brushing back his frightful haircut, and using his customary strut, he 'strutted' to yet another attractive young woman.
"Hey there, Rosie," He said with a smile. Nice opening, but no reply.
Well, at least he wasn't pepper sprayed yet. So, gathering up more courage from who knows where, Ron spoke up once again.
"Yo, Rosie, baby! How would you like to be operable with the one and only Ron Stoppable?" He asked, winking and furrowing his brows all the way.
The disinterested girl gave out a miserable groan before walking away from the sidekick.
'Oh well,' The blond thought, shrugging off the obvious rejection. 'Maybe next time.'
2: A Love-Hate Relationship... Sort Of...
"So this means you've been a loser, since like, ever, right?"
She don't care about my car
She don't care about my money
"Ron Stoppable you are such a hottie."
"Are you just saying that because I'm rich?"
"Uh-huh."
"Cool!"
And that's real good cause I don't got a lot to spend
But if I did it wouldn't mean nothin'
"Stoppable, I know you are not asking me for milk money..."
She likes me for me, not because I look like Tyson Beckford
With the charm of Robert Redford
Oozing out my ears
"OK, if it were a horror movie, there'd be more guys. And they'd be way cuter than him!"
But what she sees, are my faults and indecisions
My insecure conditions, and the tears upon the pillow that I shed
"Listen, Stoppable, and you listen good. You are, without a doubt, the biggest loser-freak in the tri-city area, Bar None," The brunette said angrily after the blond boy attempted to stick up for his best friend.
"Thanks for the honor, Bon-Bon," The blond replied, sticking out his tounge.
She don't care about my big screen, or my collection of DVD's
Things like that just never mattered much to her, plus she don't watch too much TV
"You know, Stoppable, you look kinda cute on TV," Bonnie admitted, batting her eyelashes.
"R-Really?" The blond incredulously asked.
"No. I just wanted to get your hopes up. Later, loser,"
And she don't care that I can fly her
To places she ain't never been
But if she really wants to go I think deep down she knows that
All she has to say is when
"Put me down!" The tanned brunette yelled to the sidekick. Who knew that Drakken knew exactly where Middleton High School was? Who knew that Kim wasn't even there? Who knew that Ron of all people had to do the rescuing.
"Oh, I'm so sorry... I'm just trying to save your life!" Ron said sarcastically as he activated his jetpack.
"Maybe I don't want to be saved by some freak," She yelled. "I'd rather have Possible save the day."
Ron was offended, to say the least. What right does she have to run her mouth? He's trying to save this innocent and unexpectedly heavy girl and this is what he gets? Wasn't this the noble thing to do?
"Let me go!" She yelled again.
"You really want me to let you go?" He asked.
"Yes!"
"OK, Happy landing," The blond said before dropping the brunette into a nearby dumpster.
She likes me for me, not because I hang with Leonardo
Or that guy who played in Fargo, I think his name is Steve
For the first time ever, several girls were happy to see Ron Stoppable. It was reported on the news that the blond was kidnapped, along with the Oh Boyz, who at the time, were only the hottest boy band ever. Monique, Tara, Maggie, and the skeptical Bonnie were crowded around him, peppering him with questions.
"Is Ryan's favorite food pizza?" Monique asked.
"Did you get Dexter's E-Mail address?" Asked Tara.
"Does Nicky-Nick have a new girlfriend yet?" An excited Maggie asked.
"One at a time, ladies. One at a time. All questions will be answered. All mysteries solved," Ron answered.
"When, Ron?" Monique asked excitedly.
"When I get refills," Ron said with a wink. Three of the four girls rushed to get refills for the young man. The only one who stayed was Bonnie, who had questions of her own.
"So, you really know the Oh Boyz?" She asked.
"Oh yeah. We're like this," The sidekick replied, putting two index fingers together to emphasize how tight they were.
"As a matter of fact, you can say I'm like the fifth member."
"Oh, really?" The brunette asked. "Sooo, is the fifth member looking for a new girlfriend?" She asked, grinning flirtatiously.
"Heck Yeah!" Ron said. The brunette in turn, got about as forward as she could get, instantly plopping herself into the blond's lap, which made Stoppable protest.
"Hey, Bonnie, what are you doing?" He asked.
"You said you were looking for a new girlfriend," She said innocently,
"Well, Yeah," Ron said uneasily. "Ju-Just-Just not you."
She's the one for me
And I just can't live without her
My arms belong around her
And I'm so glad I found her once again
"So, all those insults through like... five years?"
"I didn't mean them."
"So all that time instead of you hating me... you liked me?"
"Well, Yeah."
"So what are we going to do about it?"
The brunette had never been so uneasily in her life. It was kinda of tough to confess her feelings about a guy she was supposed to hate, but ended up liking anyway. Extremely tough...
"Well, I was wondering if we could date."
"Wow... Really? Sure. Um... You're not playing me, are you?"
"No, Ron. I'm serious."
"Well, Sure."
"Just one condition. You can't tell anyone about us. Is that OK?"
"Well... um... er... I don't know..."
There was only one way for the brunette to sway her crush's decision. And she did so by planting a big, wet sloppy kiss on his mouth. The blond's reaction was exactly the one she hoped for. But just in case.
"So, you're not gonna tell anyone, Ronnie?" She asked in a purposely seductive tone. The blond was pretty much overmatched now. How could be possibly say 'No.'
"O-O-OK." Ron answered. "So does this mean you're not going to insult me anymore?"
"Of course I won't insult you anymore. You're mine now, Ron-Ron." She answered sweetly. With that, she slowly advanced on the blond again, ready to give him some more lascivious lip action when the bell rung. Ron nearly cursed the rotten timing.
"Oops... That's the bell!" She said, opening the Janitor's Closet door and exiting. "I'll see you around, loser!" She said, waving goodbye,
The blond was in heaven... Except that...
"Wait a minute. You called me a loser, what's up with--"
The brunette blew him a kiss before slamming the door in his face.
"Hey, Wait! Bonnie! Let me out! Come on! I thought I was your Ron-Ron!"
And I'm sooooo glad I found her... Once again
3: Rejection Contingency Plan
The attractive redhead was reminding herself desperately, time after time, the mantra that had kept her in line and confident. The phrase was short, sweet, and to the point, like most things she did. She knew if she could believe the phrase, there was nothing that was going to stop her from what she was about to do.
'I can do anything. I can do anything,' She repeated in her mind as she ambled toward the boy that she had a crush on for some time. No... Not Josh. That was last year. Not Ron... That would be just... weird. But the new boy in school. To say that he was cute was simply scratching the surface. He had awesome blond hair, pretty green eyes that seemed to go on forever. He was indeed handsome,plus his personality just screamed 'unpredictable.'
There he was, she was inches in front of him as he began to unload the contents of his locker. The hallway was eerily vacant, it was the perfect oppurtunity. Or was it? As the tense seconds past, Kim had second thoughts and began to turn away but was spotted.
"Hey, Kim," The boy greeted.
"Oh, Hi, Jesse," Kim greeted with a nervous smile on her face.
Silence followed as redhead and handsome blond were standing there. It was now or never, among a lot of other cliches for Kim Possible. She was either going to pop the question to this teen hottie right now, or regret not doing it through the rest of high school. Taking a deep breath, she decided to go throught with it.
"Uh, Jesse. I know this is way out of left field..." She began fidgeting. "...but... Would you like to kinda..."
"...Go out on a date?" Jesse finished, his voice sounding almost hopeful.
"Yeah, that's what I was gonna ask," Kim said, relieved that Jesse got the idea.
"Wow... Me, Jesse. On a date with the Kim Possible?" The blond boy asked, marvelling at the offer.
Kim nodded and began to bat her eyelashes, trying to coax the handsome young man into entertaining the offer.
"Well, there's only one thing I would have to say about this," The blond said, coming to a conclusion.
The redhead's eyes began to sparkle. This was it. She was going to go out with the hottest boy is school, and it was going to be perfect.
"Absolutely..."
Absolutely...
"...NOT!" Jesse said dismissively. The teen heroine couldn't even muster up the courage to ask why not. The handsome blond gave out reasons of his own.
"Ms. Possible, I happen to be The Jesse, the hottest thing on this planet to girls ages 14-16. Even you concede that you had absolutely no chance with me. And if you didn't... Well, looks like you can't do anything," The blond "pop sensation" said derisively. With that, he walked away, leaving a distraught Kim Possible on the verge of tears.
The young star walked ambled around the corner of the hallways only to bump awkwardly into a young man.
"Hey, watch where you're going," Jesse said.
"Oh, sorry dude," The other boy said apologetically. He got a glimpse of the pop star's face for a moment. "Hey, aren't you Jesse?"
"The one and only," The blond said haughtily, brushing his shirt off with a closed fist.
"A friend of mine has a friend that's a girl who's like totally crazy about you," The boy said.
"Really, what's her name?"
"Kim Possible -- You know, the greatest teen hero ever?"
"Oh, her... Meh.. I had to let her down easy..."
"Why?"
"For one she ain't good enough for me, and well, she's kind of weird, and that stupid sidekick she drags along with him... Ron Stoppable I think his name is... That guy is a total loser."
"Ahhh... OK."
"Say, you're kinda cool." Jesse said. "What's your name?"
"That's not important," The boy said, beginning to crack his knuckles.
Kim was pacing around the area where Jesse just dropped the bomb on her. Who did that jerk think he was? She was good enough for any boy! In fact, most guys would be kissing the sweet ground if they had a chance to go out on a date with her... At least, that's what Ron told her. As she finally began to leave the scene of horrific rejection, she felt like she needed some advice. Friendly advice how to take this.She rounded the corner to find the most shocking sight.
A figure in a hood was hammering away at the boy who just rejected her. Issuing brutal punches and kicks. The blond was on the floor, crying like a baby as the other young man continued his onslaught. The redhead had to put a stop to this, even though that jerk didn't deserve rescuing.
"Hey, you! Stop!" She said.
"I don't take orders from you!" The other boy snarled.
OK, it was time for action. Going into a mission mode at school was a total no-no, but she had to stop this menace.Timing her jumps perfectly, she placed herself as a barrier between the beaten Jesse and the ruthless attacker.
"I sad, stop, now!" She said in a threatening tone.
The other boy stopped.
"Awww, K.P.! You never let me give someone a beatdown that they deserve!" The boy whined.
Wait a minute...
"Ron?" The redhead half asked-half exclaimed. In an instant, she pulled off the hood and the revelation was true. It was her best friend beating the daylights out of this 'pop sensation.' Kim stood there, shocked, but then scolded the blond.
"Ron Stoppable, what did I tell you about beating up on poor defenseless pretty boys who reject me and act like jerks about it?" Kim asked expecting an answer.
"Never do it again," The sulky sidekick replied. .
"I thought so," She replied with a smile. "But today, I'll make an exception."
"Really?"
"Just my way of saying thanks for making me feel better," The redhead replied, giving her sidekick a peck on the cheek.
"Just don't leave him in a coma," She said, winking before she walked away.
The blond sighed dreamily as he touched the spot where the redhead kissed him. But then he snapped back to reality. He had a pretty boy to maim! Just as Jesse was about to get up, Stoppable gave him a hard hammer punch to the back.
The teen heroine smiled to herself as she walked away. Jesse was just a jerk, and now he was paying for it, in spades. The only thing she was listening to now was the taunts of her best friend whilst he proceeded to pummel the now unpretty Mr. Pop Sensation.
"Hah... Take that, and that! How are you gonna 'Get Your Shine On' now, eh? Take that, You stupid son of a...!"
4: Love Mo'd Her Down
Was it true? Did Monique really find someone? And if so, why the heck was she not telling who it was?
By the way she looked to Kim & Ron, it was indeed true. She was seated alongside Kim & Ron at their favorite Mexican fast-food joint, Bueno Nacho.
"Come on, Mo," The redhead urged. "Spill."
"Yeah, Monique. You sooo have to tell us. I mean, you were the first one to know about us," The blond reasoned. Despite this reasoning, the African-American girl still stayed tight-lipped,shaking her head with a dreamy smile on her face.
"Can you believe this, K.P.?" Ron asked. "She won't tell us!"
"I know... Sooo not fair," Kim replied agreeing with her new boyfriend. "But, I guess a girl needs her secrets,"she said. Ron agreed, sort of.
"Yeah, I guess so. We all have our secrets... except me," Ron said with a pout.
"A-Hem," Kim said, narrowing her eyes at the blond. The blond chuckled nervously.
"Hehe, except you," The blond replied, trying to save face.
While the new couple continued their own discussion, Monique absent-mindedly raised from her seat and left the restaurant. She HAD to see him. Walking around to the Bueno Nacho drive-through area, she kept a watchful eye for him, until he was surprised from behind.
"Guess who?"
Guess who? It was him!
Monique pulled the boy into a fierce embrace. She knew he would come.
"You're late," The dark-skinned said. Though he was, she was definitely glad to see him. The boy in question knew it too."
"Well... You know how it is. When you're a manager like me... It's hard to be on schedule," He said solemnly.
"Oh, never mind that. Just kiss me," Monique commanded. With that, they kissed passionately. No one would look for them here. They were free from the judgement. Free from the questions. Free from the speculation and gossip. Just... free.
A fashion store clerk and a fast-food restaurant assistant manager.
Monique & Ned
Just the greatest couple ever seen.
5: Du Process
Will Du... Global Justice's Top Agent. The best of the bunch... and the consumate ladies man.
To say that he was a player would be an understatement. It was almost a well-known fact to himself that he would never, ever be tied down by a girl. So when Dr. Director of all people set him up on a blind date, he would work his usual Du charm and the lucky lady would stick to him like glue. Except that he wouldn't stick back.
When the door bell rang, Du quickly grabbed the flowers that he would usually give to his dates and checked himself over. With a straightening of his tie, and a once-overof his hair. He was ready.
He opened the door to find... The... Most... Beautiful... Thing... He... Had... Even... Seen.
"Hello, Du-san. My name is Yori,"The Japanese girl said bowing respectfully.
Will couldn't reply. In fact he was paralyzed by her beauty. For a moment, his jaw quivered at the sight of her. He knew he had to say something... it was the right thing to do... Right?
"H-H-Hi, Yori." He managed to stutter. He awkwardly took her arm in his and proceeded to their destination.
So much for being unstickable.
End of Chapter 1
Closing Statements: Yessir, folks. The sequel of Ron-Fortunate Events is this. I don't know where it came from, but it hit me like a hurricane when it did. :D
1. Pick-Up lines should never be used, Period.
2. The song is "Hey Leonardo" by the Blessid Union of Souls. I don't know how or why I crossed the song with a B/R pairing, but it has something to do with the fact that the pairing is one of my favorites... and whatnot.
3. Wouldn't that be nice to take the sting out of embarrassing rejection though? And yes, Jesse is supposed to be Jesse McCartney. I don't care if he's from New York City, I will have my revenge...
eh... or something.
4. Just a weird pairing that I put together just for the sake of doing it.
5. I'm surprised no one thought of pairing Yori with Willie D. OK, Not that surprised... But you get the idea.
Reviews is what I ask for. But I really want money... :p
S-Chrome