A Pleading Coda
He sat up quickly on the edge of the bed, almost feeling sick. The goose flesh made him shudder. The ever present sadness manifested itself in a half gag, as if his body, so broken and beaten from bearing this burden, attempted to physically reject all inside that made him hurt. If he could just shed this, all of this, he would be able to forget. But he had taken an oath. An oath to be eternally tortured as penance for his sins, but more importantly, as a sacrifice for his truest love. As if to prove this point, the Zero costume loomed at him in the darkness of the corner, the faceless mask mocking him.
If only I could just forget, he thought. Remembering is too painful. If only I'd never met him, everything would be okay. He sighed. He knew that wasn't true. Lelouch had been his light, his everything. Although the period at the end of their story was a thorn in Suzaku's heart, the words themselves were just so beautiful.
A dry sob wracked his every muscle. His fingernails turned white gripping the sheets. Yes, remembering killed him every time. No matter how much he thought about the good times, the tender embraces, Lelouch's head nestled on his chest, it always ended the same: Lelouch, lifeless at the end of a streak of blood, the red stained blade in Suzaku's hands. How could go on after that? How could he continue living, having to see that every time he shut his eyes?
The only way to forget was to remember. To remember completely. To live it all over again. To go back to a time before all the bad things. Suzaku's eyes looked to the drawer in the nightstand. There was no hesitation anymore. No attempt at self discipline, or stop and start dashes to the drawer. He simply opened it calmly. The shining instrument sat inside. Refrain…a miracle and a curse. Oh, happy days are here again, if only for a short while. It didn't matter if it wasn't real; to relive such ecstasy was heaven, and more importantly, a temporary reprieve from his daily hell.
However, Suzaku felt nervous somewhere deep inside. He had been resorting to this quite often lately, and the drug was beginning to lose some of its effect. He'd heard this would happen. After too much use, he would build up a tolerance and the illusion of reality would begin to crumble. He shook his head. It did not matter. He needed to leave this place, by any means possible, and that was that.
"Lelouch…why do you do this to me?"
The needle itself was virtually painless. But the Refrain stung angrily as he pressed down the trigger and the drug spread into his vein. He quickly pulled out the needle to relieve the unpleasant sensation. A single drop of blood in the crook of his elbow was the last thing he saw as his world melted away to liquid black…
The sheets were cool against Suzaku's cheek. He knew just from the feel that he was in Lelouch's royal bed. The spacious plush mattress was truly fit for a king. But he something was off. He simply wasn't buying it. He knew this was fake, knew he now rested somewhere between the realms of illusion and memory. But that didn't change the fact that he would get to see his Lulu.
His eyes were sleepy and reluctant to open. When the splotches of blindness left his vision, a pair of loving, violet eyes stared back at him. God, how he missed those eyes. Missed those long, elegant lashes and the glimmer that always seemed to emanate from those impossibly deep pools of amethyst. Suzaku smiled slightly.
"This is all a dream…a fantasy…isn't it?"
"Does it really matter, Suzaku? You're here with me tonight, my…beloved knight. Nothing matters as long as you're here to protect me."
Although Lelouch spoke such words, his eyes spoke the opposite. His gaze was comforting to Suzaku, almost maternal. Suzaku had to look away; he couldn't take it. That word… "protect". That's right; he was supposed to keep Lelouch safe.
"You know, I hate you. For what you made me do to you" Suzaku said, burying his face in the pillow. He couldn't help letting the bitterness creep into his voice. A long pause. He kept his face pressed down. He didn't dare look at Lelouch.
"Suzaku…"
"No, Lelouch! How could you? How could you make me do that? It's not fair! It's been…hard…without you. I can't even…do you even care?"
Suzaku was practically screaming, but the pillow muffled his outburst. He could say no more, could only gasp for breath. The bed lay completely still. Lelouch said nothing. Suzaku felt awful for saying such harsh things. He lifted himself up slightly, his face hovering above the pillow, eyes still pointed down.
"That was…selfish. Lelouch, I'm…I…I just can't do this without you. I can't make it. It's…it's…"
The tears started now. They dropped steadily, quietly onto the pillow from Suzaku's angry, defeated eyes.
The blankets ruffled as the weight on the bed shifted. Suzaku felt cool, smooth arms wrap around his chest and a head placed between his shoulder blades. Then there was a hand at the base of his spine.
"The itsy-bitsy spider…crawled up the water spout…"
Lelouch's fingers climbed up Suzaku's back, tickling each vertebra.
"Down came the rain…and washed the spider out…"
His long, delicate finger traced down his lover's spine.
Suzaku laughed through his tears.
"Lelouch…"
Lelouch had first done this on the night he and Suzaku had first made love, Suzaku remembered. A memory within a memory sprung up in the brown haired boy's head. I was confused, he thought. I was struggling to comprehend what we had just done and couldn't for the life of me understand why he was singing while tickling my back. Kids who grow up in Japan don't learn that song, I guess…
"Oh, Lelouch!"
Suzaku flipped over and returned his true love's embrace. Their bare middles touched as they came together so close that two seemed to become one.
"Please…" Suzaku whispered quietly. "I don't want it to end. Just…stay. Stay with me."
"Don't worry. I'll stay forever. This will never end…"
Suzaku opened his eyes alone in a dark room. He raised his knees to his chest and buried his head.
He couldn't even cry. There was simply nothing left inside.