"Is all that we see or seem,
But a dream within a dream?"
~ Edgar Allan Poe
OF A DIFFERENT TIME
Kate stirred from her sleep. Was that something groaning at her? Just a dream probably. She sank further down into the covers and ignored it, choosing sleep over curiosity. It was far too early to wake up. But the groaning and movement in the bed became more pronounced, rousing her completely. As she opened her eyes and sat up to look, she saw that Castle had the covers tightly scrunched in his fists and his face was contorted, as if he was in pain. He was having a nightmare. Before she could even think about how to best wake him, he sat bolt upright, eyes wide open and drenched in sweat.
"Castle? You okay?" Kate asked softly as she cupped his jaw.
Wild eyes finally came to a focus on hers. He took her hand from his face and kissed her knuckles one by one, over and over; and then started laughing a little hysterically. "I'm fine. I'm okay. You're okay. We're alive." He hugged her, and though he was damp from sweat, she let him.
Once he relaxed his hold on her, she moved to sweep his fringe off his forehead, and scratched lightly at his scalp. "That kind of nightmare, huh?"
"Yeah. Yeah, but no. It was so - Kate, it was vivid. And we weren't us."
"We weren't us?", Kate asked. He still looked spooked, and she couldn't understand why, if it wasn't about them.
"We weren't now us, but we were then us?" he pondered, sounding as confused as she was.
"Castle, you're not making any sense. You should go back to sleep."
"I can't. Or at least, I don't think I can. But I'm sorry I woke you up, Kate," he said apologetically, "go back to sleep. I'll just - I'll figure it out."
She smiled. "I don't think I can sleep either. At least not yet. Tell me about it. That might help both of us."
He looked even more guilty. "Sorry I woke you", he repeated.
She smiled wider and kissed him sweetly. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure I'll return the favour some day. Really. Now, tell me."
With a small smile, he nodded and took a deep breath. "It was us, only it wasn't. They looked like us, felt like us, but their names were different. It felt like I was having an out of body experience. I was right there, alongside them, and they seemed as real to me as you do right now. But they didn't notice me at all; to them it was like I wasn't there. I was with them the whole time, Kate, and it was so sad. It was - " he shook his head sadly, trailing off.
Kate could see that this was difficult for him, it was troubling him. "Just tell it like one of your stories, Castle. What were their names?"
After a beat of silence, where it looked like he was thinking about how best to tell the story, he nodded his head and smiled.
Captain Nathaniel seemed young for his rank, but they say he definitely earned it. He was a good captain, one of the best. A tenacious leader, always strategizing, and full of the kind of heart that set him apart from others. He had earned himself a loyal group of followers, his men; and a lot of women. He had a will to win, a wit to match his clever mind, and a ruggedly handsome face to boot.
He had more life in him than most people she knew, even in his illness. That's what Nurse Jacqueline thought, when he was first placed in her care.
"Jacqueline," he had whispered, as if tasting the word on his lips. "Such a beautiful name. And an even more beautiful face, if I may say so, my lady."
"I'm not your lady, Captain. I'm just a nurse, serving my duty. Now stay still, I need to wrap this up."
"But it hurts," he said with a pout. "It would help me so, to have it rest somewhere, rather than just hanging in the air while you work."
She rolled her eyes. They made him Captain? "Fine. Rest it somewhere, but stay still. I've got to get these bandages around your shoulder and upper arm." And what an arm it was. She couldn't help momentarily admiring the toned muscles.
He smiled a mischievous little smile, as if she had presented him with a gift, and raised his hand a little higher, placing it on her hip. She drew in a sharp breath at his touch. "Just helping you serve your men," he stated, with a wink.
She glared at him, unable to form a more coherent thought. "You are awfully presumptuous, Captain! You are certainly not 'my man'." To her surprise, that just made his grin grow wider.
"Now, Nurse Jacqueline, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant all of us good army folk that you're treating. You're not my lady, and I'm not your man...yet," he paused, eyes twinkling. "But feel free to stake your claim on me any time," he said as he tightened his grip on her waist and tugged her ever so slightly closer.
She didn't reply, didn't meet his gaze, solely concentrated instead on completing her job. Though, judging from his wince, she might just have tied it a little tighter than strictly necessary. Only once she was done, did she look him in the eye, and immediately realized what a colossal mistake that was.
Because oh, the way he was looking into her eyes. Like he knew her. Like he could read her thoughts or like he wanted to. He didn't look smug anymore, no. He looked earnest, softer in his expressions, eyes burning, curious with unasked questions. "What made you take up this post? It isn't an easy life. You could have been anyone, anything back home. Instead you're here, tending to ill, bent and broken soldiers. What happened?"
How did he do that? No one here knew. No one had even thought to ask. She tried to turn, but he caught her other hand with his. Didn't let her escape. She didn't know why she wasn't trying harder, she could have, for even though he held her there, his hold was gentle. That only made it stronger.
"It was a personal tragedy. Your brother? Father?" he asked softly, and with so much sincere understanding and sorrow, that her eyes involuntary met his again.
"My brother," she began in a soft, but strangled voice. "He was a soldier too. He was set to return, but he never came home. Shortly after I heard the news - he'd succumbed to an illness while at service. I don't know which illness it was, exactly, but it took him from me. Our parents had left us young, and we only had each other. So I came here," she said with a shrug. "To do my part. To help those who need it, like my brother did."
"I'm sorry."
They were simple words. But he meant them. She could hear it in his voice, and so she nodded at him, and placed her hand over his on her waist for a minute, before gently prying it off her. "You need to rest. The fever isn't so bad now, but it could get worse. The shrapnel from the explosion might have given you an infection."
He brought her hand, which she hadn't realized was yet in his larger, warmer hand, to his lips and kissed it before letting her go. "Thank you."
"I'm just doing my job," she said again, but she knew that he didn't believe her.
"Seeing all of this, being in the middle of it after -" he trailed off. "It can't be easy. But here you are."
She smiled sadly. "Here I am."
He looked down at his arm and back at her. "You did a fine job. I suppose you'll have to come check on me every so often?"
The twinkle in his eyes had returned. Now, not so annoying as it was playful and warming. It made her smile more. He seemed a good man. "I suppose I'll have to. But only if you agree to rest now."
He gave her a hearty salute. "Yes, ma'am," he said, and plopped down on the bed.
She giggled. When was the last time she'd giggled? Months...years? The effects this man had on her. "Just Jacqueline, Captain."
He shook his head. "Nathaniel. To you, it's Nathaniel. Jacqueline is a beautiful name," he whispered once more, as he closed his eyes to rest.
The following days passed them by quickly; time lost in the haze of battle. For Nathaniel, some days were better than others, but he was getting worse, slowly but surely. What had started as a few minor symptoms had developed into something much worse. He tried to keep it hidden at first, until one day he collapsed during his morning run, overcome with fatigue, and was taken back to the infirmary.
"Fainting just for a chance to see me again, Nathaniel?" she'd teased, trying to make light of the situation. She'd already warned him about the possibility of infection but he'd apparently not been taking good care of himself after leaving the infirmary. He'd looked so weak and broken when they'd brought him in and she couldn't help but wonder what he'd been hiding from his soldiers all this time.
They'd expected it just to be a minor case of exhaustion, something common in the army. That he'd be back on the field within a day or two. But Jacqueline didn't want to take any chances. She'd kept him on bed rest for a week, suspecting much worse. And her suspicions were confirmed when the fever returned. Over time he began to break into a sweat, and rigors. He ate, but nothing would stay down. At times he couldn't stand because of spells of dizziness, but he would laugh it off. He'd say that she made his world spin around. She could see him growing weaker, day by day, and she felt helpless.
She wouldn't let him see, of course, keeping her tears at bay while with him, but breaking apart the first chance she could. As a soldier, his health was his life. And he was losing both. The inevitability of it all tore her apart.
But Jacqueline was by his side through everything. It was obvious to everyone around them that they had developed a bond. It was as though they were completely in sync with one another, always attuned to each others' presence. To anyone more than just the casual observer, it was easy to see that they had fallen in love.
She refused to leave his side even though he urged her to be careful. They both knew it was a risk to be around him. She just couldn't bring herself to walk away. Maybe it was crazy, that in such a short amount of time, they could form such a strong connection. But she found herself wondering if there really was such a thing as destiny. She'd always scoffed at such things in the past. She'd been stubborn and strong-willed all of her life, choosing to believe that she was in control of her decisions. But here, in this place, with this man who had broken down the walls she'd spent so long building to protect herself - this man who saw through everything she sought to hide behind - her veil of independence, and strength; she just couldn't deny any longer that there had to be a reason for their meeting.
It wasn't a surprise to either of them when she developed the fever, as well, having spent so much time together. It struck her much quicker than it had him though. Within a week she'd grown just as ill as Nathaniel.
They both knew the end was coming. It was becoming more and more difficult to fight against the sickness. But even as they shivered, taking what would be their final, difficult breaths, Jacqueline thought she still saw his vigour for life shining through.
"I'm cold," he whined.
"So you've said. Many times. Pneumonia does that."
"You know, I feel cheated. It's utterly unfair."
"What is?", she asked in a weak voice. She was so very tired. She just wanted to sleep, even knowing that she may not wake up from it this time.
"That I met you, and got to know you under these circumstances, and that's it. We're done. Our story is finished. That's a terrible story. I bet I could write a better one."
"You do that," she said, summoning the strength to roll her eyes at him.
"I will. In my next life, I'll write you plenty good stories."
She graced him with a tired chuckle, and he gave her a smile for the effort. "In the off chance that there is such a thing as reincarnation, you think we'll be together?"
"We had better be," he growled. "I'm not coming back to this God forsaken place if you're not right there with me."
"So what you're saying is that you want me to suffer through another life with you?" she teased.
"Precisely. And I'm going to ask the God of time and fate and all of that, to give me longer."
"Longer?"
"More time with you. I don't want a few days, or even a few years. I want plenty of tomorrows. I want always."
"Always sounds good," she said in such a soft voice that he could barely hear it.
Or was it his hearing that was failing him? He wanted so badly to stay awake. He could see that she was fading, and fading fast. He was too, but he wanted to spare her from watching him die, even if it meant that he had to watch her go first. He wouldn't leave her alone.
She moved her lips again, and he had to strain to hear it. "I just want you to know how much I lov-"
And just like that, she was gone.
"Me too, Jacqueline, always," he murmured against her cold skin.
And he finally succumbed to the darkness.
As he told his story, Kate's expressions had ranged from amused, to intrigued, to blank; to in love, to sad, to blank again. He saw that she had tried to covertly wipe away a few treacherous tears. The story itself made him think that maybe his overactive writer's imagination really did a number on him; somehow drawing from the bomb and freezer incidence of a couple of years ago. He was so glad their story hadn't played out like that. What a relief to think that maybe the Gods of fate and time and whatever else, had listened to Nathaniel. Of course even as he thought the words, he laughed at himself. How utterly ridiculous was it to consider it at all?
He chuckled softly, kissed her, and excused himself to go take a shower. Wash it all away. He told her to go back to sleep, and that he'd join her shortly. "Love you, Kate. Thanks for letting me get that out."
As he told his story, she listened on in horror. He had such a way with words. They painted an all too vivid picture of his dream. But she was more than spooked. She wondered whether to speak up or not. Should she tell him? Could she tell him? Ultimately she couldn't. The words wouldn't come.
What exactly would she say? That she's had a dream like his? No. Not like his. She'd had this exact dream, of Captain Nathaniel and Nurse Jacqueline, and she had it nearly six years ago. Before she had even met him.
She thought then, that she had somehow dreamed up a silly dream with a man that looked astonishingly like Richard Castle because she'd been so deep into reading one of his books. Yes, it seemed as vivid to her then, as it seemed it did to him now. It was the same dream. Except for the end. Her dream ended with her Jacqueline's declaration. She never heard Nathaniel saying, "Always."
She wouldn't tell him. She'd just go back to sleep, hoping that her dream was a dream. That she was just having an odd, really scary, sense of deja vu. And she would sleep with the knowledge that if - IF- reincarnations were possible, then Nathaniel and Jacqueline got their wish. Rick and Kate got their always.
~The End~
A/N:
docnerd89: That was a fun collab! Loved it the whole time!
blue252: This was the first time I've ever gotten to collab with someone and it was so much fun! Major thanks to Indrani for letting me write with her and have a part of this awesomely eerie idea.
docnerd89: Thank you for joining me! Like I said earlier in our chat, if it hadn't been for your suggestion, Jacqueline and Nathaniel would be eaten by a hungry Yeti. Maybe.
blue252: Another story...some other time ;) Seriously, though...I hope you all enjoy this.
docnerd89: Ditto! Thank you guys for reading this, if you've reached our A/N. Leave us a note? : ) And Happy Halloween everyone!