Title: Sacrifices
Pairing: Arizona/Callie,
Rating: R [Just to be safe]
Summary: Callie is in a coma after the car accident and Arizona ponders her situation and talks with friends.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I do not intend to profit in any way, shape or form by posting this story. It's for fun, nothing more, and nothing less.
A/N: This hasn't been beta'd, so please enjoy the many mistakes. I was feeling moody and this is what happened. And thanks to jj_280391 (From the Callie_Arizona live journal community) for inspiring me to write and post this story.
What have I done to deserve this?
I was raised to be a good man in a storm. I've lived by the credo of duty and honor above all else. I was raised to know what sacrifices meant and how powerful they could be. I was named in honor of a man who sacrificed his life to save nineteen others. I was named after a man that would never know his son or grow old with his wife or meet the grandchild who honored his sacrifice.
I've had my fair share sacrifices as well. I lived a fatherless childhood. My father was a man who sacrificed a closer relationship with his children in order to serve his county. He was often months away, only to return and receive new orders and move us away to another location. My brother and I sacrificed close friendships and found solace within each other. We both put our father on a pedestal. He was a man who commanded respect and rarely gave it. Yet, he earned our respect and he happily gave us his. We greedily loved him during the times we were together, as much as he loved us. We all accepted the sacrifice of time and did our best to honor and enjoy the time we did have together.
In my teen years, I sacrificed freedom and love and focused solely on school. I knew from a young age that I wanted to be a doctor, so I studied wholeheartedly. I participated in few clubs, only science club and soccer (team sports are a necessity to get into a great college). I sacrificed my evenings and weekends to volunteer at the local hospital. I forged connections to the doctors there and earned respect and glowing letters of recommendation when I applied to colleges. I earned the best grades, graduated as valedictorian from high school and went on to graduate at the top of my class in college. Because of my dedication to medicine and my glowing letters of recommendation, I easily made it into the Johns Hopkins medical school, working my way through internship, residency and even became the chief resident my final year. That was the year my brother made his ultimate sacrifice.
My family understood Danny's need to follow his father's footsteps. It would have been a sacrifice I followed as well had I not realized I was a lesbian. I didn't want to live in a closet or deny my true self, the first sacrifice I wasn't willing to make. I supported my brother, in everything, even though I knew how dangerous his life would be. We communicated all the time, kept in touch despite the many miles we were apart. We would not sacrifice our friendship willingly, though I suppose whatever higher power there is had a different plan. Danny was killed. My heart wept at the ultimate sacrifice my brother made. How many more sacrifices would my family endure? How many more times would I have to sacrifice a piece of myself in the name of duty and honor?
Everything at home reminded me of the loss of my brother, so when I was offered the head of pediatrics position at Seattle Grace, I took it immediately. I still feel the sting of sadness from my parents when I told them. I knew the loss of my brother was still fresh and now they would have the loss of another child from their comfort zone. I was sacrificing my home and their happiness in order to avoid feeling anything. How was I to know that this decision would end up leading me to the love of my life?
Why couldn't I sacrifice Africa? I can't help but kick myself anytime I think of the situation I've ended up in. How did I let things come to this? I changed my rules for Calliope! I started living the moment I kissed her. Everything before that point pales in comparison to how I've felt after that kiss. I was so scared to love her; or let her love me. I almost sacrificed the chance by saying no! And now, because I fell so completely in love with her, because I sacrificed my love for her instead of my dream of Africa, because I let Mark come between us, because I truly wanted to be a mother to her child, because I just wanted her sole attention on me for 10 minutes! Because of all of this, I'm here, watching my Calliope suffer. She looks so broken, like the pieces my heart is in now.
I ask her to marry me and she scoffs. I try to explain myself and she can't answer. I just had to stare at her. I needed an answer! And then we crash. Why couldn't I be the one without the seatbelt on? She doesn't deserve this; I do.
Arizona sighs while deeply lifting her head from Callie's bedside. She's managed to leave a small pool of wetness on the blanket and starts pawing at it, hopefully drying the space quickly. No one needs a reminder of her weakness or her mistakes. She keeps them at the fore thought of her mind enough for everyone. She looks at Callie's face and frowns at the scratches there and the gauze wrapped around her head. She leans toward Callie's ear so that she can whisper to her love. "I'm so sorry, Calliope. Please… Please hear me, Calliope." She gently put her hand into Callie's and laced their fingers together. She felt sadness pool in her stomach when Callie's fingers did not react to her own. "I need you to wake up. Even if you hate me for what happened… Even if you never want to see me again, I can accept that. I can handle that, I swear to you, I can! It will break me, but I can sacrifice everything if it means you will live and be happy with our daugh-, with your d-daughter." She lowered her forehead against Callie's hand, tears dropping against their pale fingers. "You were right, you know," Arizona sniffled and then licked her lips before continuing; "…when you said you were one hundred percent sure letting me back into your life would only cause pain. I'm so sorry."
Arizona didn't bother lifting her head when she heard footsteps enter the room. Everyone was aware of Callie's situation and almost all the staff of Seattle Grace – Mercy West have stopped by to offer support to both women. Arizona wished they would stop mentioning her. She didn't deserve their support and Callie needed it more. So did that little girl who was hanging on by a thread in the NICU. Arizona bit her lip, trying to stop the tears from flowing from her eyes because someone else was in the room. She forced a small smile on her lips, one that didn't reach her eyes, one that wouldn't show the dimples that Callie loved so much as she lifted her head to the visitor. Mark stood by the end of the bed, his arms crossed over his chest. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he looked at Callie and then turned his stare at Arizona.
Arizona's small smile disappeared faster than it appeared. Her eyes met Mark's and she looked away from him in shame. "I'm sorry, Mark." Arizona's words were whispered so low that Mark would have missed them had he not been staring so intently at her.
"Sorry for what? Having an accident?" Mark shook his head and stepped next to Arizona. He placed a hand firmly on her shoulder and squeezed while he coughed back a sob. "Do you think anyone blames you?" He shook his head, wondering how he missed it. How did he miss sad look in Arizona's eyes when the ambulance arrived? Or the slumped posture she sported when talking with Derek and Meredith about Callie's injuries? "Arizona. Stop this. It was an accident. You need to forgive yourself so that you'll be capable of helping her when she wakes up. You need to be strong for her and for our daughter. You've blamed yourself enough. I can see it all over your face."
Arizona scoffed and shook her head slightly before turning her gaze back to Callie. "We were fighting about you." She sighed deeply, tears flowing down her cheeks and she just didn't have the strength to wipe them away anymore. Why bother? More would just be shed minutes later. "I wanted a bigger piece than she was offering. I wanted her attention on me. I thought this weekend, these two days; we would just be about us, bonding together and with the baby." She sighed deeply, the tears and sobs causing her to choke slightly on her words. "How can you both be so blind? I can't really force you to back off, but Callie should have seen what was happening. How I was being pushed out of this modern family. How I was becoming the third wheel in all of this. I wanted to be first with her!" Arizona let go of Callie's hand and placed both of her hands on top of the blanket. She curled them into tight fists and clenched her teeth just as tight, which made her cries sound hysterical. "You and your problems always came first with her. Why am I even here? You're the father! And she's the mother, that's a family. I mean, I'm just the lesbian lover; not the other mother."
Mark was flabbergasted, to say the least. He was blind to how this was affecting Arizona. Maybe he didn't see it because he truly believed Arizona's love for their daughter was the most pure out of all of them. She was the one that made a choice to love this child. He and Callie had no choice, they were biologically connected, but Arizona, she loved Callie and that child. She made that choice and he saw how fiercely she loved them both. This insecurity he was witnessing from Arizona in that love threw him for a loop. He blinked rapidly for a few seconds as he watched as Arizona finally relaxed again. She was watching Callie with such adoring eyes and the entire scene was breaking his heart.
"I'm the one that should be sorry, Arizona. I'm sorry I was so overbearing, okay? I just… I love Callie, she's my best friend, so yeah, having a baby with her is kind of weird, but I am in love with my daughter. The love you have for Callie and the baby, it's nothing to be discounted and if I ever made you feel that way, then I'm sorry. But please, don't let it defeat you or stop you from loving either of them. They need you. They both love you. This accident was just that; an accident. Don't forget that and don't lose your sense of self in the grief. No one is blaming you."
Arizona couldn't believe what she was hearing. Not only did Mark, MARK, just apologize, but he made her feel better and made her realize that she was just trying to make sense of the accident by putting the blame on herself. But it was an accident, there's no rhyme or reason and Mark was right (though she'd never admit it), she needed to be strong for Callie and for their daughter. She sobbed deeply and a painful moan escaped her lips as she lowered her head back to the bed. After everything she just said to him, he comforted her. It was in that moment she realized they were in this together and they may never become best friends, like he and Callie were, but she now respected him. "Calliope is right, Mark. You're going to be a good dad. And thank you."
"I won't ever tell her you said that, Blondie." He winked at her and then lowered his hand from her shoulder and stroked her back gently. He could tell she needed the comfort. "I'm going to go back and sit with Junior. If you want to switch spots, just have a nurse page me, alright?"
"Thank you, Mark. Thank you for being Callie's friend… And mine. Take care of our little girl and I'll take care of our big girl." Arizona laughed softly at that. It was the first time she truly laughed since all of this happened. Mark nodded and patted her back softly before glancing back at Callie. He then turned and left the room to return to sit by the baby's side. Arizona turned back to her love and gripped her hand again. She then pressed a soft kiss on the back of Callie's hand and then stroked it lovingly with her thumb. "I love you, Calliope. I'm never going to leave you again. I meant it when I asked you to marry me. I want it all and I want to share it with you and our daughter. I want to grow old with you, so you need to wake up, okay?" Arizona smiled at Callie for a moment and then leaned her head back down against the bed and softly cried.
"So, I hear it's like Niagara Falls in here," says Teddy as she steps into the room. She offers a small kick to Arizona's right foot and then plops a box of tissues on the bed. She then bends over and wraps her arms around Arizona, engulfing her into an enormous hug and squeezing her tightly. "Just cry. Get it all out now." Arizona sobbed with Teddy's words and gripped Teddy's scrub top tightly in her hands. She let out a guttural cry which broke Teddy's heart. "It's okay to be scared and to cry, but trust me when I say she's going to be fine. She has so much to live for, Arizona. She has you and Junior." Teddy squeezed her lightly at the mentioning of Junior. Everyone has taken to calling their daughter Junior, since they've decided not to name her until Callie wakes. "And even Mark, "she ruefully adds. Arizona scoffs at that and clings to Teddy. Teddy gently rubbed Arizona's back and leaned her head against Arizona's, both taking comfort in one another. "It will be hard, but you guys have put up with him for this long." They both broke into giggles together.
Teddy leaned back and offered Arizona a small smile. She stood up and rested her hand on Arizona's shoulder as she looked at Callie. "See that strong heartbeat? She's going to wake up soon and then try and be all badass, pretending she's not in pain and wanting to know all about her daughter's birth."
"Teddy's right, you know." Addison walked into the room, heading directly to the end of the bed and patted one of Callie's feet gently. "Sorry for barging in, but I wanted to see how Callie and Arizona were holding up." She offered them both a small smile and then turned back to Callie. "It's hard seeing her like this and it just reminds me of my brother. Derek saved him too."
Arizona smiled and nodded as she watched Callie. "We're really lucky to have such good friends, all of whom are amazing doctors. It's really great to know that people have your back when something like this happens." Arizona sniffled and grabbed a tissue from the box and wiped her eyes with it. "I asked her to marry me, you know. I want to be married to her. I want to love her forever." Arizona laughed softly at that and leaned back in her chair, her free hand moving back into Callie's limp hand. "I know I'm going to love her forever."
Teddy sighed wistfully and bumped Arizona's arm playfully with her hip. "What you guys share is so rare. You guys are totally still my aspirational couple, even if you both were real idiots for a while." She chuckled and lowered her hand to Arizona's back and rubbing softly. "I really hope I find my Callie one day," Teddy spoke the words while looking out the window, lost in thought of how lucky both Arizona and Callie were.
"Here, here! I want one too. You know, I want the male form of Callie; the one that won't kiss his ex-wife and blame it on nostalgia while you're trying to get over the death of your mother. I could totally take the Callie that won't cheat behind his best friends back with you while you're married. " Addison was gripping the blanket at Callie's feet and she blinked at her verbal diarrhea and had the decency to blush while lowering her face slightly. Arizona and Teddy both burst into a giggle fit and Addison couldn't help but giggle too.
Arizona smiled at Callie and then looked to Teddy and Addison. "Thank you guys so much for coming and talking to Callie and I. Callie loves you both, you know, and I do too. Nothing shows you better who your true friends are than a catastrophic tragedy. You both and Mark are just really amazing friends."
"Oh, it's not just us. Bailey has been by countless times along with Meredith and Derek. Lexie, Mark and Karev have all been sitting vigil with Junior. The rest of us have been in and out with Junior too. I saw Cristina up there too, but I'd never say it to her face." Teddy grinned as she remembered, "I was witness to Cristina talking to Junior and explaining how awesome being a cardiac surgeon was and how she helped saved her Mommy's life." All three surgeons laughed at that. "The staff here is like one huge family and a red headed sister from LA." Addison scoffed and slapped Teddy's shoulder. "What, it's true!"
"It is true," Arizona said and turned back to watch Callie sleep.
"Yeah, it kinda is," Addison ruefully admitted. "We're going to go check up on Junior again and give you some more time with Callie." Addison leaned to pat Arizona's hand. "Stay positive and remember, we're all praying for Callie and Junior." Teddy nodded at Addison's words and patted Arizona's back softly.
"Thank you both, so much. And please, tell everyone else whenever you see them that we all thank them too." Arizona smiled to them as they left and looked back at Callie. "We have some super awesome best friends, Calliope."
Arizona blinked and tilted her slightly as she watched Callie. Despite being battered and bruised and knowing all the painful surgeries and procedures that Callie had already endured (and knowing more would come), she couldn't help but think of her as Sleeping Beauty. She stood up and smiled down at Callie, her hand never leaving Callie's. "You know, Calliope, you're so beautiful. Like Sleeping Beauty waiting for her prince to come." Arizona giggled at the thought. It made her remember her own childhood. She reached out with her free hand and gently brushed it along Callie's head, careful not to disturb the bandages. "That reminds me of when I was little and saw Sleeping Beauty for the first time. I badgered my parents all night with questions, like why couldn't a princess wake her up. That was probably when my mom first realized I might not be a normal girl." She giggled and softly stroked Callie's cheek.
"Do you think real life can imitate art?" Arizona frowned as she watched Callie's face. She was crying again, clear droplets of water falling on the sleeping woman's skin. Callie's eyes suddenly started moving and Arizona noticed a grimace on her face. "Are you in pain still? I wish I could take it all away for you. I love you, Calliope." Arizona closed her eyes and leaned down to press her lips against Callie's softly, one hand still stroking her cheek gently, while the other held to Callie's hand as though it were her lifeline.
It was then that Arizona felt it. It was very slight at first, but then s firmed up before being released. Callie's hand had squeezed hers! Arizona gasped softly, afraid to move from the position and lose the connection to Callie. She felt it again; the soft squeeze on her hand and Arizona finally lifted her face slightly from Callie's and opened her eyes. Callie was looking directly back at her. Arizona squeezed Callie's hand back. "Oh my god, Calliope… Thank you."
This is the second time a near death experience has opened my eyes. The first was when Calliope was almost killed at gun point by a mad man. It took a mad man to open my eyes and realize that Calliope was everything to me. I hope it won't happen again, but I think these experiences have helped me finally figure out what I've done to deserve this life. What I've done to deserve this woman, whom I hold so dear and our beautiful child. What I have done to be blessed with two survivors that love me. I've sacrificed.