Disclaimer: It's all JKR's…I'm just tinkering with it!
The Memory
"Dinner was lovely, Molly," Nymphadora Tonks says graciously as she helps Molly Weasley clear the table. Usually, Molly would decline help of this nature from a guest, especially from Tonks, the infamous klutz (she has already dropped one plate), but she senses something was bothering her during dinner.
"Oh, it was nothing! It's the least I can do. You, Mad-Eye, and Remus…"
Her sentence is cut short by another plate crashing to the floor.
"Mum! Is everything all right in there?" Ginny yells from the living room. She is trying to avoid being roped into helping her mother wash dishes.
"We're fine! Though, it's getting late, Ginerva! All ready ten o'clock! Why don't you go up to your room and read with Hermione?"
Ginny rolls her eyes and sighs. It is summer and apparently she has a bedtime. At least it is time away from Phlegm…
"All right, Mum!"
This discourse ended, Molly turns towards Tonks, who is on her hands and knees trying to salvage all of the pieces of the plate she has just shattered.
"Oh dear, let me get that…" Molly says while giving her wand a flick. All of the pieces come together, making the plate look as if it had never been broken. Tonks picks up the plate and hands it to Molly who, to her great surprise, finds that Tonks is crying. Usually she is so upbeat, positive, and happy. Molly knows that one broken plate (especially when Tonks breaks so many) did not through her into a fit of tears. No, Molly knew there was something up the minute she walked through the door earlier in the evening, her hair a mousy shade of brown.
"Oh Tonks! What's wrong?" Molly asked concernedly.
Tonks seems to realize for the first time that she had been crying, out loud, in the middle of the Burrow's kitchen, putting on a right old show for Molly Weasley. She gives a sniff and wipes her eyes before responding.
"I'm fine. It's just, I've already broken one of your plates tonight…"
"Tonks, you break everyone's plates," Molly states, straight to the point. Her tone then changes to one of motherly worry. "What is this really about?"
Tonks looks at Molly, sizing her up. She has not told a soul, but perhaps she needs to, to get it off her chest. Keeping it bottled up inside has done her no good…
"It's Remus…"
Molly nods. She had sensed tension between the two of them during dinner: the way they adverted each other's gaze; the way they avoided conversation; the way Tonks asked Mad-Eye to pass the gravy when Remus was sitting right in front of it and Mad-Eye was three seats away from it…
Tonks freezes as if she has changed her mind about telling Molly.
"Here dear, sit down," Molly says, directing Tonks towards a small table in the kitchen with a flower vase on it. She then begins to move towards the fireplace, where she fills a kettle up with water and puts it over the tall orange flames. "I'll make us some tea. Now why don't you tell me what's bothering you, dear."
Tonks looks up into Molly's kind eyes with her own dark eyes which lack their usual twinkle, and were instead full of unshed tears. She takes a deep breath before beginning her story…
"My patronus used to be a rabbit, you know. My grandfather on my father's side gave one to me for Easter before he died, and that was the last time I ever saw him. Two weeks later I stood next to his casket, crying, holding the rabbit in my arms. I was eight years old and his name was Whiskers. I remember naming him that because his whiskers tinkled me, like my grandfather's did when I gave him a kiss.
"Do you know what he said to me when he gave me the rabbit? He told me to pick a name that meant something to me, because a name was important. I scrunched up my face and asked him why my parents gave me such a stupid name like 'Nymphadora' if that was so. He laughed and told me my name wasn't stupid; it was fitting. He said I was his beautiful nymph. He gave me a kiss to reassure me, and that's when I named the rabbit.
"That was the memory I used to use when forming my patronus.
"Whiskers and I became inseparable after my grandfather died. He was all I had left of him. You see, my grandfather and I had a special relationship. We were two of a kind, my mother used to say. Apparently I inherited my clumsy genes from him.
"My grandfather (later, the rabbit) and my father were the only men in my life for a long time. Yes, it is true. I have had my share of boyfriends, but they were meaningless. I liked Whiskers better.
"Of course, that was before I met him.
"Before it happened.
"The memory begins one day at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. It was after Sirius died, and we had just come back from threatening the Dursleys. Dumbledore had dropped in for a moment to tell us to clean things out since we had no Earthly idea who would come to own the house we used as Headquarters, you remember that whole dilemma. Dumbledore suspected that Sirius had left it to Harry, but knowing the Blacks, thought we might come across some difficulties.
"It doesn't seem real," I told him as I look around at the house. I'll be honest: the reality of Sirius's death had never quite struck me before we started cleaning out his house. Before it always seemed as if Sirius would walk through the front door, laughing at the great big joke he pulled over on us. His death had been so sudden and incredibly…unique, for lack of a better word. But then again, so was Sirius. He was always one to be rash, not thinking things through before he did them, and he certainly was a unique character. It seemed impossible to think that he would never come back to us, that he really was dead.
"He stopped what he was doing and I knew he was lost in thought. He always was those days, though he did a marvelous job at covering up all the feelings that must have been running through his mind. He is so strong, and never seems to let anything get to him. Perhaps it is all those years of ridicule as a werewolf, or perhaps it is not. Either way, I admire this quality in him.
"That's interesting," he tells me. "For me it's like coming back into reality."
"I gave him a skeptical look not exactly sure what he meant by that.
"I mean," he began giving me a small smile. "Sirius was in Azkaban. I thought he betrayed James and Lily. He was dead to me, as were all of my friends. Someone coming back from my old life, it always felt surreal."
"I opened my mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Mad-Eye. "We need to get this house cleaned out! Stop your talking and get moving!" he bellowed at us from the nearby stairs. "I'm leaving now, Order business, but I'll be back tomorrow, so don't you think you can get away without doing anything!"
I rolled my eyes. "Good bye, Mad-Eye!" I yelled to him sarcastically. Remus chuckled at my indignation, and he too waved good-bye before Moody apparated out of the house.
"I guess I should start cleaning out Sirius's room. That could take months; he really was very messy…" Remus said trailing off. He seemed glad for the subject change. He has a tendency to emerge himself into logic, and feels very uncomfortable whenever emotions are involved, I am sure you have noticed.
"I could help you," I told him. I did not want to end our conversation quite yet. You see, I had been falling for him little by little ever since I joined the Order. He isn't one of those people you fall for the second you meet them. His charm is slow, and builds over time. You do not see the real Remus Lupin the first time you meet him. Perhaps that is one of the things I like most about him.
"No, why don't you finish up in here," he replies, indicating the living room that we were standing in. "It'll look like we covered more ground," he added sensibly.
"I nodded my head in agreement, knowing that the conversation was closed for now.
"He walked away from me, very slowly, and I watched every step he took up the stairs until he was out of sight, and sighed before clearing out the rest of our junk from the living room. I did not finish until late in the evening; it must have been ten o'clock or so. I put everything that needed to be taken away into a box, and headed into the kitchen for a bite to eat. I put on a tea kettle and rummaged around for something to eat, preferably already cooked, since my cooking skills are about as horrendous as my stealth skills. I found some leftover cake, but did not cut off a slice quite yet, because then I thought that I hadn't seen Remus in a while and he had been cleaning for a long time now. He was probably as hungry as me. So I went to look for him.
"I walked into Sirius's room, but did not see him immediately. The room was still a complete disaster. I wondered for a moment if he changed his mind and went to clean out some other room in the house, but then I saw him standing off to a corner, staring blankly at a desk.
"Remus! Wotcher!" I called to him, in a vain attempt to catch his attention. He was still transfixed by the desk.
"I came up behind him to see what he was looking at, and I discovered he was not captivated by the desk at all, but a picture on the desk.
"Molly, it was a picture of all of them when they were in Hogwarts! There was Sirius with that smirk spread across his face, waving at the camera. James was standing next to him, grinning mischievously with his arm around Lily who was leaning into him a bit, but also seemed to be pulling away playfully. She wore a happy smile, as if nothing was wrong in the world. Remus stood on Sirius's other side. He smiled broadly, but the look in his eyes told me that he had lived through his share of troubles, even at such a young age. There was an empty space at the edge of the picture, which I presumed to be filled by Peter Pettigrew in another time.
"I put my hand on his back, which went unnoticed at first. He stood there a moment more before turning to look at me, showing no signs of his previous enchantment.
"Do you need something, Tonks?" He asked politely.
"No, no," I told him. "I was just going to eat some cake and was wondering if you wanted some."
"Yes, I am rather hungry," he replied while moving out of the room, but not before casting one last glance at the picture.
"When we got downstairs the water was already boiling over the edge of the kettle. I ran to get it, but tripped over a chair in the process. Remus had to help me up, which was very sweet of him, but rather embarrassing. He made the tea, telling me while laughing that he didn't want me to burn myself. Instead I opted to cut us each a slice of cake.
"It got really quiet after that. We ate our cake and drank our tea peaceably, but there was an awkwardness hanging in the air.
"That was the day before graduation," Remus said after a while. I looked up at him, kind of surprised that he was divulging this information about his past to me. Once he knew he had my attention, he continued, though he never looked into my eyes.
"Everything was so… perfect then. I can't even remember what it felt like to be that happy. It was like a dream, and then, after they died, betrayed, and got sent off to Azkaban, it was like I was awake. And then Sirius came back, and he was innocent… but now they really are all gone." He looked down into his tea and began to stir it mindlessly with a spoon. I watched him for a second before grabbing his hand. Of course, being the clumsy girl I am, I only managed to knock his hand away from his cup and send both the cup and spoon flying. However, it did stop him from making whirlpools in his tea.
"It's okay to be sad, Remus," I told him, my brain not quite sure if I was doing the right thing, but my gut telling me this was the perfect thing to do. He looked into my eyes and we had what you would call "a moment." I could understand him perfectly, and I felt as if he were looking straight through my eyes and into my soul. I know that sounds cheesy and ridiculous…"
"I understand exactly how you feel," Molly says reassuringly. "That's how I felt when I first realized Arthur was the only man for me."
Tonks looks across the table at Molly who is listening to her story ever so patiently. She certainly had chosen the right person to confide in. Nevertheless, the words meant to reassure her had the exact opposite effect. Tonks begins to cry.
"I was afraid of that, Molly!" She says through choked sobs. She feels childish right now, crying as she is and pouring out her soul, but it was something she had been putting off, and something she had to do.
"Oh, Tonks! Here! Drink some tea!" Molly says putting a mug of tea into Tonks's hands and wrapping her in a motherly hug. Once Tonks's tears begin to dry out, Molly pats her on the back and retakes her seat.
"What happened, Tonks?" She asked with concern. Had Molly's eyes not revealed true caring, Tonks might have chosen to make up some other ending to her story and leave as quickly as she could. As it where, however, she decides to continue, but not before breathing in the hot vapors of the tea and taking a sip.
"I kissed him, or actually, it was more mutual than that. We kissed each other. It wasn't a frenzied, lustful kiss. No, it was exactly how I thought Remus would kiss. It was kind of slow in the beginning, but I could still feel the chills of electricity running through my blood. He seemed to be memorizing me, as if I would disappear at any moment. I let him lead, taking us at his pace. It moved faster after the beginning sweetness, becoming more passionate…"
Tonks hesitates for a moment, thinking how weird it is to be telling all these intimate details to someone who could be her mother. She takes another sip of tea before continuing. She needs to tell this part of the story, none of its details hidden. Otherwise Molly would not understand.
"I can't even remember what happened really after that. I was completely lost in him, and I think he felt the same way. Even as our kissing grew more passionate, it wasn't lust that made us need the other more; it was something deeper. I can't really explain it. Anyways, one minute we're standing in front of the table, the next, I'm pinned between his body and the wall. His body felt so right against mine… We needed to get closer…
"We stumbled through the kitchen door and into the living room. Literally, we stumbled. I tripped on the carpet and sent us both flying onto the floor. He laughed, picking me up bridal style, kissing me all the while, and carried me up the stairs to his room. With anyone else I would have been angry that they thought I was so helpless I couldn't get up the stairs on my own, but I wasn't angry with Remus for some reason. Maybe because I knew he thought me anything but helpless."
Tonks pauses here for a very long time, before giving a nervous laugh. "I can't believe I'm about to tell you this…"
Molly gives Tonks a reassuring smile and gives her hand a motherly squeeze. Interestingly enough, before Tonks interrupted her own story, Molly had been in quite a daze, as if she were reading one of those romance novels mothers like to read when they get that starry-eyed look and start yelling at their husbands for not being more romantic.
"I slept with him."
Tonks waits for the sharp intake of breath, but she never hears it. Molly simply nods her head in understanding, as if she already knew this was where the story was headed before Tonks ever opened her mouth.
Seeing that Molly is not going to interrupt her, Tonks continues.
"You would think my new patronus was formed from the memory of… that. But that isn't the case. I was actually quite surprised what I thought of. Afterwards, we laid in his bed and neither of us spoke. He was half asleep, but he continued to run his hand up and down my back. My gaze was fixed outside of the open window. The night was cloudless, dark, and yet amazingly bright. It was one of those nights that you can look up at the sky and the longer you look the more stars you see, and the more life seems to hold for you. I couldn't help but take it as a sign. The moon was bright, almost full but not quite, and the light shone down beautifully, illuminating everything in the room. I turned to look at Remus and I was shocked to find that the light of the moon made his scars more pronounced, not in a bad way, however. They give him character. I like his scars.
"Nymphadora…" he whispered as his hand stroked my cheek. Though his voice was quiet, it reflected all of the thoughts that had gone unsaid during our "moment" in the kitchen. This is what I remember. I never liked it when anyone called me Nymphadora, because it only held meaning with my grandfather, but that was before. It felt right when Remus said it."
Tonks's expression of pleasant remembrance turns to one of sadness quite suddenly. Recognizing this, Molly prompts her to continue.
"Here dear, have some more tea," she consoles while pouring more of the steaming liquid into her cup. Tonks stares into space while taking a sip. She is quiet for a minute, and Molly waits patiently for her to continue. She snaps out of her daze abruptly, and continues.
"That's what I think of now when I form my patronus: Remus saying my name. I have never been happier, but do you know what happened in the morning?
"When I woke up, he was already getting dressed. I turned onto my side to watch him. He looked troubled, and I wasn't really sure what to make of it.
"On the floor I found the shirt Remus wore yesterday. I put it on and stood behind him. I wrapped my arms around his stomach and kissed the side of his face from behind. He stopped buttoning his shirt and stood perfectly still. Neither of us spoke. Looking back on it now, I should have realized something was wrong. Then, I didn't realize it until I heard him say my name.
"Tonks," he said. Not Nymphadora. Not spoken lovingly. It was very professional, yet lingering, as if he didn't want to say whatever he was going to say next.
"Last night was a mistake," he continued bluntly. I dropped my arms from around his stomach.
"And why do you say that?" I asked him crossing my arms over my chest. I was more than a little annoyed about this.
"I wasn't thinking… the full moon is tonight, and sometimes I don't think straight…"
"I cut him off.
"So this is about you being a werewolf, is it? I don't particularly care, Remus! It doesn't matter to me! Do you think I can't handle it? Is that it? I'm a bloody auror, Remus! Not some whimsical, helpless child!"
"You deserve someone younger, in one piece…" he countered.
"So I'm a mere child in your eyes?"
"You're not a child, Tonks; this just can't go any further," he said confidently, interrupting my indignant ramblings. I have never heard him speak so forwardly, ever. And with these words he left the room. I don't remember the expression on his face as he left. Maybe he looked regretful, maybe he looked relieved. I can't say.
"I put on my own clothes and made the bed in a daze. I'm not one to cry at the drop of a dime, but when the reality struck me, I toppled over onto the bed and tears began to fall down my face. I looked out the window at the sky which only hours before had been speckled in stars, inspiring me to live, but now the sun was out and shining brilliantly, and all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole. Life is ironic like that.
"And that brings me to here. We've been avoiding each other for the past few weeks. I don't know what to do, and trying to ignore it does nothing! I just think about him more, about him saying my name…"
"Tonks, you've gotten it out in the open now, and that has done you a world of good. What you really should do is move on…" Molly advises, but she is stopped mid-sentence.
"Molly, I think I love him, even after all that has happened. I don't want anyone else but him," Tonks says, her dark eyes shining with tears, but they are determined nonetheless.
Molly appraises Tonks, a troubled look etched across her motherly features. She sighs, knowing that she is right.
Suddenly there was a rapping at the door, three knocks to be precise. Molly jumps and walks to the door cautiously while Tonks sits a bit straighter, listening for who it might be.
"Who's there? Declare yourself!"
Tonks hears Dumbledore's voice respond and leans back in her chair. She stares into the fireplace until she hears Dumbledore address her by her true name.
"…Ah, hello, Nymphadora!" Tonks drifts back into thoughts of her memory before realizing she needs to give some sort of an answer.
Forcing a smile she says, "Hello, Proffesor. Wotcher, Harry."
"Hi, Tonks," Harry responds.
"I'd better be off," Tonks states shortly after, and begins preparing to leave. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly."
"Please don't leave on my account. I cannot stay, I have urgent matters to discuss with Rufus Scrimgeour," Dumbledore states, ever the courteous Gryffindor.
"No, no, I need to get going. Night—" She says making a special effort to look everywhere except Dumbledore's eyes.
"Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming – ?" Molly offers, knowing all the things that must running through her head since Dumbledore used her real name.
"No, really, Molly…thanks anyway…Good night, everyone," Tonks says in a hurry before making her way through Dumbledore and Harry and into the backyard where she apparates.
Molly watches her leave, worry written in her features.
She has never seen Tonks look so… un-Tonks like.
Heartbreak has taken a toll on her.
She wishes that Tonks could move on to someone else, like Bill. Bill would never do that to her, Molly is sure, but it is Remus she loves.
She admits this grudgingly before mouthing a prayer and beginning her fuss over Harry.
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