What I see in your eyes
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI: NY it belongs to Anthony E. Zuiker unfortunately ((sighs)) if I did Danny and Mac would be going at it like horny rabbits. ((Hehe))
Spoilers: Tanglewood, On the job, Trapped and Run silent, run deep
He leaned against the window listening to the sound of the city that continues to move and stir despite the time. He could hear the trains sounding in the distance, the people walking outside happy and drunk form a late night partying at a club or a bar, hear the couples a few floors below him arguing, hear the noises of the people next door lost in the throws of passions as faint cries drifted through the walls. He leaned back and let the sounds of restless city flow over him letting him be absorbed by the people and maybe then he could lose himself in the city and forget everything.
He sighed and closed his eyes feeling the cool glass against his forehead let the sounds wash over him as he drifts away in the dark city, forgets about the pain and heartache he felt. He stayed there listening to the city move and flow for a while lost in the sounds and the cool feeling of the window, slowly he drifted back to himself and felt let the soothing feeling flow through his body relaxing his tense muscles. He keeps his eyes close for a few moments more before he looks at his reflection in the mirror not recognizing the face staring back at him. The face looks pale and tired his hair dull and flat, his blue-grey eyes dull dark circles around his eyes making him look older then he really is.
He sighed then pushed himself up and away from the window feeling weary and tired he sluggishly walked to his bedroom and collapsed on the bed curling under the covers trying vainly to sleep. After twenty minutes of tossing and turning he knew that sleep would not come to him his thoughts just drifted back to the same thing, the same person it always went to.
Mac.
Danny groaned knowing that his annoying and persistent mind would not let him rest no matter how much he wanted to and no matter how much he wanted to not think of him. He felt extremely annoyed with his traitorous mind that didn't know when to give him a fucking rest and stop thinking of Mac. But no of course not that would be way too easy on him he thought bitterly because no matter what Mac was still torturing him without even trying. He stubbornly tried and block out how it felt when Mac wrapped his arms around him and held him as he cried for his brother, how safe and right it felt to be in Mac's arms. How Mac smelled like sandalwood and a smell that was just purely Mac. Or how his heart skipped a beat when Mac told him he believed him that he knew he couldn't have killed that kid. God he sounded so pathetic.
He groaned and threw his arms over his face trying to block out his thoughts and stop the pain. Why him? Why did he have to fall for his boss why did he have to be in love wit h the one person he knew would never want him? Anybody else would have been fine with Danny. Why did he have to be in love with Mac why couldn't he just lust after him? Lust he could handle no problems there but love was totally different ball game there. He wasn't used to being in love with anyone not this kind of love anyway.
He knew Mac could never love him the he did, he knew Mac was as straight as they come and wouldn't look twice at a guy even if he did he would never be interested in him. He was a Messer, he was no good, a cop killer, a screw-up who couldn't do anything right. He lays there and wonders not for the first time why Mac didn't just fire him already it would put him out of his misery already. Why didn't he fire him like he fired Aiden he wasn't good to anyone especially not Mac.
' God Messer you sound like a damn teen complaining to the world just suck it up and deal with it it's obvious Mac wants to punish you for whatever fucking reason so why don't you just quite and start somewhere new where the Messer name is not going to haunt you anymore. He snorted thinking of how ridiculous that sounded he knew he would never be able to leave the lab to leave Mac no matter how much pain they both caused him.
'Looks like someone up there really hates me don't they why can't once just you guys up there make it easy for him?' he sighed knowing he wasn't going to get a answer so he rolled over and closed his eyes trying to get a few faint hours of sleep before he had to go back to another possibly trying day.
'Oh joy' he thought sarcastically he closed his eyes and slowly feel asleep dreaming of a strong solid body holding him warm breath whispering promises in his ear, and the smell of sandalwood.
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Red blinking lights cut through the dark room casting a light of the area in front of it. The numbers of the clock showed him the time almost mockingly flashing 3:13 A.M. Mac sighed and rolled over on his back once again staring at the ceiling of his bedroom counting the cracks to try and lull himself to sleep but sleep seem to allude him making it impossible to even think of sleep knowing . He sighed wondering did he even want to go to sleep knowing what he would dream about like he did almost every night. He knew he would dream of Danny writhing in pure pleasure beneath him moaning and screaming his name as he claimed him.
God this was not helping anything he thought ugh why did he have to be in love with a smart mouth, hardheaded, annoying, aggravating, loyal, kind, and beautiful man like Danny. He knew someone up there had it in for him he just knew it. He rolled over and closed his eyes wondering why he couldn't just forget Danny, no matter how hard he tried to push the younger man away he always managed to find some way to get back under his skin without even trying. He was always there in his head, in his thoughts, in his dreams he was just there and sometimes Mac just can't seem to think of it as a bad thing. God he thought he had all this taken care of months ago after the Tanglewood case, he thought he could push away and destroy those feelings when he heard Sonny Sassone say that he knew all about Danny, yet he couldn't stop those feelings so he took it out in the only available target he could find which was unfortunately Danny.
He knew he was being cruel and unfair to Danny but he just couldn't stop himself he also knew that he was pretending to not know the real reason why he was punishing Danny he knew that he was making everyone believe that he was angry at Danny because of what Sassone said. But unfortunately Stella wasn't convinced in the slightest and let him know every time he dressed Danny down in front of everyone or said something about the younger man's work that she thought he was making a mistake and that he couldn't keep doing because he might push Danny too far one of these days. He remembered the day when Stella called him on it and made him admit it to her and himself the real reason he was being so hard on Danny.
Flashback
Mac watched as Danny walked away his shoulders slumped slightly and his head slightly bowed in defeat. For a moment Mac wanted to go to Danny and apologize to him but he didn't do it instead he just turned and walked into his office and shut the door and started to work on some reports that he had been putting off. He had just started on the first folder when his office door opened and Stella came storming in and slammed his door shut giving him a cold glare that made him want to hide from her obvious anger, but instead he just looked at her and raised a brow and frowned at her.
"Yes Stella what can I do for you?" He questioned his voice calm and even not betraying the uneasiness he felt inside. Stella just continued to glare at him seemingly waiting for something, but when it became clear that it wasn't coming she threw her arms in the air and let out a loud exasperated sigh fall from her lips.
"You are a god damned idiot you know that." She said frustration coloring her words. Mac raised a brow at her yet again not knowing what suddenly brought about that comment from his long time friend.
"No Stella I seemed to have not gotten that memo." He sarcastically replied wondering what the hell was going on.
"Of course you are because if you weren't then we wouldn't even be having this conversation no would we?"
"Stella what are you talking about your making no sense."
Stella huffed and looked at him disappointed. "I'm talking about Danny."
That immediately caught Mac's attention when the blonde's name was mentioned.
"What about Danny." He questioned.
"I'm talking about your messed up attitude concerning Danny that's what I'm talking about."
"What do you mean my attitude?" He indigently demanded from the angry and annoyed women. Stella rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breathe that sounded suspiciously about 'ignorant, hardheaded marines who need to get their heads out of their asses.' She looked him square in the eye for a moment before suddenly coming to some sort of conclusion before taking a deep breathe. Mac thought she was calming down and would maybe start making sense but what she said shocked him to the core.
"I'm talking about you being in love with Danny and pushing him away and being a complete bastard because you're too scared to accept that you're in love with him."
For a moment Mac just sat there in shock his thoughts moving around to fast in his head to come up with a reply. Stella just stood and looked at him with a patient look on her face when Mac could speak again.
"I-I'm not in love with Danny." Mac winced as his voice broke and he didn't sound so confident, Stella apparently wasn't going to let that slip and she just continued to look at him like he was an idiot.
"Mac yes you are you just don't want to admit that's the real reason you have been riding Danny's ass so hard and being such a bastard." She replied calmly, Mac tried to voice his denial again but seeing the hard look on her face he knew it wouldn't do well for him to continue to lie. He sighed not liking this conversation at all. He knew the reason he why he was being so cruel to Danny but he just couldn't admit it to himself that he was doing this because he was afraid of loving Danny, being afraid that he wouldn't be able to protect him like he couldn't protect Claire and that he was hurt because Danny didn't seem to trust him enough to confide in him about Sonny Sassone, or about the whole Minhas and he voiced all this to Stella who looked both pleased and pissed.
"Mac you know you're my friend and I love you but you have got to stop being so afraid and just tell Danny how you feel because if you keep pushing eventually he is going to leave and then you aren't going to be able to protect him when he leaves." She said Mac looked at her scared that she might be right about Danny leaving he knew he would have to ease up or else he would lose the young man he didn't think he would be able to face it if he couldn't see Danny every day. He sighed and looked at Stella with a resigned look. She gave him a small smile before opening the door and leaving happy that she had forced some sense into him. He stared at the door for a long time after she left pondering on what to do now.
End Flashback
He remembered that he had started to back off slowly trying to give Danny some more slack and tried to be friendlier like he had before Tanglewood, before Sonny Sassone, before the shooting. He remembered how he felt when he heard that Danny was locked in that panic room and he knew that he was being a bit ridicules when he had Stella call him every 30 minutes but she seemed to indulge him with a faintly amused 'yes sir', he knew Danny was only in danger when the killer entered the panic room.
Things had slowly went better one step at a time he noticed Danny didn't look so worn and ragged as before but that was before the Tanglewood boys decided to make a reappearance in the form of a young man dead and buried for years. He remembered how shocked he felt when Danny came to him about the his DNA on the cigarette butt, he remembered the way Danny's eyes widened with disbelief when he told him that he believed that he didn't kill the kid or had anything to do with his murder. He was surprised with how docile Danny seemed when he told him he was going to have to be placed on modified assignment.
He remembered the desperation he felt trying to prove that Danny was innocent, how he felt when he heard that Louie Messer had been badly beaten. The sheer horror on Danny's face when he saw the state his brother was in, he remembered wanting to kill whoever did this for causing that look on Danny's face. He remembered the satisfaction he felt when he arrested Sassone, the weariness that came when things calmed down, but what he remembered more clearly then anything else was the look on Danny's face when he returned to the hospital.
Danny had looked so beaten and depressed he ached to do something to make that look leave his face. He couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to hold Danny how right it felt to have the smaller man in his arms. He remembered smelling a faint scent of something spicy and sweet that was just purely Danny, he held the younger man in his arms long after the crying stopped whispering comforting nothings in his hair. How Danny held on to him after a while like he was the only thing keeping the younger man from being swept away.
Mac found himself drifting to sleep dreaming of sorrowful blue-grey eyes and the feeling of a warm lithe figure held safely in his arms.