Title: Life, not just existence.
Setting/Spoilers: Set during the events of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG
Summary: A flash of Ianto's thoughts during KKBB.
A/N: With thanks, as always, to Natushka, for all of the positive feedback and her very own special brand of tweaking. Even though she doesn't even watch the show, or have any sort of slash inclinations. My writing wouldn't be half what it is without her help.

"Heya kids. Did you miss me?"

You stare at Jack Harkness like maybe he's a ghost, mouth open, heart beating on your tongue, struggling with the tidal wave of emotions currently assaulting you.

You hate him. You've missed him. You want to hit that smug look off his face and kiss him all at the same time.

Instead you ignore him, because that's easier, and you watch as the rest of the team does the same, but just the very presence of him his driving you insane, and you're dying to know where he's been and why he left.

Gwen cracks first, though you weren't very far behind.

"I found my Doctor."

The jealousy is almost like a physical blow, grabbing hold of your insides and twisting them so hard you almost forget to breathe. You've never known anything like it, and you stare so hard at Jack you feel like he might combust under the weight of it. Like maybe you will.

When Jack had died the first time, you'd felt as if your world was crumbling down around you. It was then you'd realized you weren't just sleeping with him because he took away your pain. It was because you cared about him. That you might even be in love with him.

But now he's gone again, and you can't figure out which emotion to trust. You follow him, even though you don't know what you would say if you ever caught him.

"We were partners."
"In what way?"
"In every way."

John Hart is almost a mirror image of Jack; just with sharper edges. He is the proof that Jack has had others. That Jack has left others.

You hate him with every fiber of your being, and your jealousy intensifies, consuming you. John Hart knows more about Jack then you could ever hope to. You want to kill him, to wipe the man and the memory of what he stands for away.

But he is fact, and you realize your relationship with Jack has only been one of convenience. As the other man struggles to control his alter-ego, you struggle to close off your emotions from Jack, resigning yourself to never having him. Not the way you want.

And then Gwen pairs you both up to search for the canisters, and you realize ignoring Jack Harkness is harder then you'd ever imagined.

"How about dinner and a movie?"

He asks you out on a date. A date. It sounds so trite after all you've been through. After what you've done together. You're not sure whether you should cry with relief or hit him for thinking that you care.

But it serves it's purpose, turning the hurt in your belly into hope: hope you aren't yet willing to give any air, even as you quietly agree to his proposal.

For while you are trying to get over him – to choke the emotions of love and longing – you know that really, you never stood a chance.

"None of it means anything."

You might have even believed John Hart as he pushes his gun against your forehead. That you and Jack are just about the sex and you are so naïve to think otherwise.

But the echo of Jack's request for a date is still sitting on the edge of your tongue, proof you can almost taste that the other man is wrong. That you and Jack might have more.

And then again there is John, who Jack had for years, and still left behind.

That promise of Jack's burns the back of your throat as you run to save your friends.

"Listen... if you need a new team member..."
"No. ...Goodbye."

John Hart grabs Jack's face and kisses him hard, but you won't let yourself react, swallowing down the jealousy and the fear that Jack might leave again, because Owen is bleeding his life away next to you, and Gwen is still shaking from being seconds away from death, and if Jack Harkness was going to leave you, it won't be now.

Maybe you are starting to accept that one day he might.

But you'll have him as long as you can.

Finally, you allow Jack to pull you into his arms, because you can't deny yourself the feel of him any longer. You want him to know what he's done to you, how you'd felt during those long months of separation... to find out if he really does care.

And then he finally explains to you what happened, that year that never was.

And even though he could have stayed away – lured by the stars and his desire to be with his mysterious Doctor – the fact is he didn't.

Jack Harkness is standing in front of you, exposing his soul and his need and his love, asking you to accept him. To allow you to try to build an actual relationship, one not based on sex and lust and the need to loose yourself in each other simply to hide from the horror of your job.

And as you fold into his embrace, you start to allow that small ember of hope some oxygen.

fin

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