Author's note: I disclaim any rights to Maguire's work. Obviously.

This story originally began as a conversation on twitter about cheesy pick-up lines that Fiyero might use on Elphaba to get her to go out with him or do other boyfriend/girlfriend things. Wink, wink. Now, it has developed into this, my very first oneshot. Please read and review, especially those of you reading who were involved in the original conversation.

I must express my thanks to Gemphaba and SarahSwims15 (both twitter handles), the former for all the pick-up lines and the latter for laughing with me about them.

Thanks, and enjoy!

"Dude, come on."

"I mean it, Fiyero. This girl was a heifer." Avaric spurted, enjoying telling the story much more than Fiyero thought he should considering how awful he claimed his date had been. "I mean really. I didn't know whether to take her to dinner or take her to market."

Fiyero tried and failed to bite his tongue. "Avaric you disgust me sometimes."

His friend only laughed as they walked in to a dimly lit, warm student's bar on the corner. "Ha, yeah."

"No, seriously man. It frightens me."

Avaric ignored him as he always did, preferring to wink at a pretty barmaid. Fiyero was dragged to a stool so Avaric could ogle the girls while they drank. "No heifers here."

Fiyero sighed. "Don't ever use that word in front of me, man. It's not cool."

"What, heifer?" He sniggered. "Two beers, sweetheart." He simpered.

Fiyero's face straightened. "One more time, dude, and I'm leaving."

"Whatever." His friend replied, exchanging sly looks with another waitress. Fiyero settled for that . . . lack of a promise. It was all he was like to get.

As Fiyero sat in silence and his friend sat catching eyes with every girl in the room, he groaned, bored out of his mind. "Did you want to go out for a drink so I could watch you flirt with every pair of ovaries in the room?"

Avaric turned to his friend with an apologetic look on his face. "Okay, sorry." Still, when the beers arrived, Fiyero was unsurprised to see his friend wink at the serving girl.

"So why did you piss me off all day, insisting that I had to come out tonight, especially if you're going to just sit ogling women all night?"

Avaric sighed and took a swig. "That is exactly what I'm talking about." Fiyero frowned. "How long has it been since you last scored?"

Fiyero rolled his eyes. "Avaric, I really don't think –"

"How long?"

"I don't know." He paused. "Months." He admitted.

"Oh, dude."

"Hey, it's not that big a deal."

"How can it have been months?" You only broke up with Galinda a few weeks ago."

"Six weeks ago. That's a month and a half." Fiyero informed him, though it hardly seemed to help. Avaric backed off when he saw how tense Fiyero was, but his original aim for the evening still stood. He would just have to try a different angle. He gazed around the room for inspiration. Fiyero was not the carefree boy he had been when he had first arrived, and so Avaric had to actually persuade him that picking up women was a health issue.

Suddenly, he spied something. His favourite colour. His very favourite colour.

"I'm not surprised to be honest." Avaric said coolly. "I mean, since you broke up with Galinda all you do is spend every waking minute with the green bean."

"What?"

"I'm saying that you're always with her."

Fiyero shrugged as nonchalantly as possible. "Yeah. Well, I like her. She's pretty awesome Av. If you'd stop being such a jerk around her, you might actually see that."

"Sure."

Truth was, Fiyero could not exactly claim to be the best of friends. For all the time he spent with Elphaba, it was really more a case of him following her around or waiting for her outside her classes and her rooms. She would be perfectly within her rights to get a restraining order out on him.

"I'm just saying that she's really smart, which I would think you'd know, since every time you two meet she totally kicks your ass."

Avaric bristled. "Does she fuck!"

"Oh man, she totally burns you. Admit it."

His friend reddened. "I will not."

"You're just jealous that she's smarter than you, more interesting than you, and she doesn't waste her time with pointless friendships."

Avaric smirked. "Dude, that's because she has no friends."

"That's not true! Galinda's her friend. I'm her friend!"

"Oh, you're her friend, huh?" Avaric asked, quite proud of himself.

"Yes!" Fiyero insisted, growing more annoyed by the minute. "What the hell's your problem?"

"Nothing. It's just, if you two are such good friends, why don't you go talk to her?" Fiyero blinked. "She's sitting right over there." He pointed behind Fiyero to a small booth in the corner where Elphaba Thropp sat with a book and a beer. She was wearing black again, but the cut was modern and Fiyero saw Galinda's work all over it. She looked beautiful, really, especially when the light was so soft and she looked so peaceful, so . . . undisturbed.

"I'm not going over there." He said.

"Aww. You scared?" Avaric teased.

"Oh for Oz' sake, no! But she clearly doesn't want to be interrupted. Think about it; this bar is out of the way for Shiz students. She probably came here to get away-"

"Yeah, yeah. And I came to Shiz for an education. Reasons come and go man."

Fiyero was not convinced by his friend's flawed logic. "Wait, what?"

"I dare you to go over there."

Fiyero sighed. "Don't do that to me, dude. I am not going over there."

"I dare you to get her number."

Fiyero slammed his fist on the counter. "No, oz-dammit! I am not picking her up!"

Elphaba had been sitting in relative peace in the bar, thankful for its solitude and silence when she felt someone sit down next to her and almost jumped out of her skin when she looked up to see Fiyero Tiggular before her.

"Hello there." He said, in an odd voice which she could have sworn she had heard somewhere before, though it seemed so unfamiliar to her. Had he been at the dentist?

"Um, hi Fiyero." She greeted him stiffly, noting that now he had moved on from stalking her at university to seeking her out during her free time too. This would prove frustrating evidence against her in her ongoing argument with Galinda as to the prince's reasons for seeing her so often and on purpose. The blonde seemed convinced that he was . . . interested in her, although Elphaba did not really know what that meant.

Or rather, she pretended not to. It was getting harder and harder to dismiss her friend on grounds of general stupidity; she seemed to grow better informed every day. It was highly unnerving.

Still, Elphaba tried not to think about her feelings for him. She tried not to dwell on how handsome he was, or how attentive he was or how much she secretly enjoyed the idea that he followed her around deliberately. She tried to focus on how annoying and brainless he was, even as he sat very close to her in the booth. It was difficult.

"Hey." He said, and she waited. "Grab ya broom love, you've pulled."

Maybe . . . not so difficult. "I beg your pardon?" She asked, indignant, and staring daggers at him as she saw the confidence slowly ebb from his face. She remembered where she had heard the strange tone in his voice before; he used to speak to Galinda that way. Fake and dripping with conceit. She sulked. "Get lost, Fiyero." She said, returning to her book. Cursing, he stalked back to Avaric in shame and she finished her beer in one gulp.

"I can't help but think that didn't go very well." Avaric ventured, sarcasm dripping from every word. "Man, she burned you."

"Oh shut up. I was unprepared. I need better material." Fiyero took a sip from his pint glass, angrily wiping the foam moustache from his lips.

"Whatever you say."

"And you didn't exactly give me anything to work with!" He accused Avaric.

"I'm not the one you're picking up!" He reminded him.

"No, look this is ridiculous. I bet you that I pick her up within the hour." He slammed a twenty on the sticky half-polished counter between them. Avaric's eyes became slits and they shook hands.

"You're on."

Elphaba was nursing her third beer when Fiyero returned. She had been enjoying its coldness and the droplets of water that ran over her fingers when she touched the glass. She had been, and then she was not.

"Hello."

She eyed him. "Why are you being weird?"

"Shut up. I'm not. Let me do this." He swatted at her arm.

"Okay, sorry, sorry!" She apologized; this was making her laugh so she let him carry on.

"Hey there." He said, flicking his hair back. "I'm mister right, I heard you were looking for me?"

Oh Sweet Oz. "Actually, I'm looking for the Wizard of Oz." She quipped, and returned to her book.

Fiyero sighed and looked back at Avaric, who shot him a thumbs-up from the bar. "Hey, baby. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together."

"How about F and Off?" She retorted, slamming her hand on her book and dragging it to her lap. She began to read fiercely.

He waited a moment, undecided as to his next move. He spotted Avaric, trying not to laugh as he watched his friend crash and burn. He could not go back yet. What had happened to the friendship he had developed with her over the last few weeks? He ignored the voice in his head that told him the answer lay in his stupid playboy routine. "What you doing?" He said, disregarding the voices in his head again.

"Reading." She replied in a solemn, end-of-her-tether tone.

"Again?" He asked, feigning surprise. He leaned on his elbow, invading her personal space and literally risking his life for this line. "I can think of something way more fun." He said.

"Kicking your ass?" She slowly raised her head, and caught him running his eyes all over her. Was he trying to induce nausea?

"No . . ." he said flatly. She simply watched him, and the fact that she did not blink in thirty seconds was beginning to frighten him. "Are you going to kill me?" He asked tentatively.

She smiled and shook her head, and finished her second beer. There, he had an out. "It's touch and go."

Fiyero jumped up, more for his own safety than her thirst. "Hey, you're out of beer. I'll get you another one!" He offered, just as the waitress brought her a fresh pint, spilling over with creamy foam.

"Um, thanks." She said to the staff. "But no thanks." She said to Fiyero. "I don't know what the hell is wrong with you tonight, but go the hell away until you get your wits back."

He took a breath to defend himself, but only pathetic pick-up lines seemed to come to mind. His courage was beginning to waver; he needed more beer. Sitting back down next to Avaric was a wound in his pride, but it did not suck as much as the fact that he seemed incapable of flirting with Elphaba. "I don't know what's wrong with me." He said, head in his hands.

"I do." Avaric boasted, laughing.

"Shut up." He ordered two shots of pure alcohol and threw them back before Avaric could stop him.

"Whoa man, I said pick her up, not take her home."

"We flirt all the time. Did you know that?" Fiyero told him in frustration.

"I do now."

"Last time I saw her, I spent four hours with her in the library helping her research something for an essay. I played footsie with her under the tables. I lifted her down from ladders when she had taken too many books and I saw her blush. I put my arms around her when she was reading. Dude, I snuggled. I could've kissed her if I'd wanted to. She would have let me, I know it."

Avaric stared at his crestfallen friend. "Hey man, I had no idea you had it this bad."

Fiyero lifted his head. "So what the hell am I doing wrong?" He chugged back a half pint.

"Um, I have a thought." Avaric said, watching the empty glasses pile up before them.

"No, no. I just need to steer the opening towards her. I'm not being clever enough."

"Dude I don't think that's the problem." Avaric shuffled the glasses away from his friend.

"Think about it; she's a genius. She needs to be challenged, right?"

"Um . . ."

"I've got it man. I've totally got it."

Avaric watched his very merry friend make his way to Elphaba's table. For the first time, he felt very sorry for the green girl. "Mate, I don't think you have a clue in your head."

"Hello again."

This time, Elphaba had not noticed him coming. Maybe it was something to do with the rate at which she was downing drinks, but she was less annoyed to look up and find that the strange person in her booth was not a strange person at all, but the boy she thought might kiss her the last time they had been so close in the library. She had stopped it for fear that they would be discovered and she'd be forever known as the 'book whore.'

"Hi." She said, rather intrigued as to what he would come up with this time.

"Was your father a thief?" He asked, and she raised her brow in that way people do when anticipating a bad joke. "'Cos he stole the stars and put them in your eyes."

She frowned. "My father hates me."

The stars were gone. Fiyero coughed and began again. Let no man say Fiyero Tiggular ever gave up on a hard conquest! "Here," he said, taking her hand and prying it open. "Here's some money. Go tell your mum you won't be coming home tonight." He winked, and she could tell he was proud of himself.

"My mother is dead." She said simply. "You know that." She heard him take in a hissed breath and the atmosphere became tense.

This time he did not bother to make an excuse; he just left. Elphaba sighed and ordered two more beers.

"You are crashing and burning." Avaric informed him unhelpfully when he sat down again. "What the hell did you say to her?"

"Stuff that you should only say if you want her to kill you."

Avaric laughed. "So should we bury you in that suit?"

"Don't get too excited. I'll kill you way before she gets to me."

"I dunno. She seems pretty focused on you." He said, nodding his head in her direction. Fiyero turned around just as her eyes snapped back down to her page, and he knew she had been watching him.

"Great. Now I'll have to explain why you're here."

"You're the one who had to take up the bet."

"You're the one who asked me!" Fiyero retorted.

"I don't understand why you're using all these stupid lines on her. According to you, she never liked that part about you." Avaric reminded him, whilst waving away the bar maid's offer of more drinks.

"I know. She hates those lines but I thought we had gotten to a place where I could use them ironically, you know?"

"No." Fiyero sighed. "Just be cool." Avaric said, slapping a hand on his shoulder.

"Be cool?" He asked, and a smile slowly crept along his face.

From the corner of her eye, Elphaba saw Fiyero staring at her as he sat at the bar. She sighed with the knowledge that he was gearing himself up to return to her. Not wanting to rob him of the joy of it since she could hardly stand the look in his eyes whenever she disappointed him. However, based on the turn the evening had taken, she thought she might just have to get used to it.

Just as she steeled her nerves, she saw him duck his hand into the ice bucket and walk over to her with cubes of frozen water turning his palm a wet pink. When he approached her he began to smile as though he had not already done so three or four times before. Nevertheless, she smiled at him although it was accompanied by a raised eyebrow.

He scooted in next to her confidently and smirked in that irritatingly smug way he had. Holding the now melting ice up before her for a moment, he suddenly brought his fist down hard on the table, smashing the cubes to pieces and causing herself and several other patrons to jump. He was silent, and Elphaba saw the barmaid eyeing them up and she wondered if she would be rescued from this imbecile by anyone.

Then, disrupting the quiet, he spoke. "There;" he said, gesturing to the puddles of water forming around the glass-like chips; "I just broke the ice."

The couple in the booth next to them groaned audibly, much to her amusement and she rolled her eyes. "Really?" She asked. "You're such a fool." She told him, smiling despite herself.

"Come on! Some of these must be hitting the mark, eh?" He asked, so full of hope. She made to speak, but he could tell she was going to lie even before the first word had escaped her lips. "Alright, just – just give me a minute."

"You're wasting your time." She called after him, though she knew it was fruitless. After so many rejections, it was becoming obvious that he would not give up until she gave in. Trouble was, she hated all of his useless playboy prattle. She could vividly picture him using on a dozen other girls, especially her roommate, and she could not warm to that side of him.

The beer was helping her past that.

It was between meads that he came toward her again though this time she did not bother to acknowledge him until he spoke to her.

"Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes."

Despite herself, she felt a blush creep up. But she bit her lip, reached into her bag and handed him a folded up map of Oz.

"Oh, thanks." He said. Leaning into her, he whispered. "Um, but Elphie I don't think you're getting it."

"Ugh, Fiyero, give it up."

"That's what she said."

"Really?" She said, throwing her book away and staring him down.

"Are you Jamaican?"

"What?"

"'Cos you're Ja-mai-can-me crazy!"

"Is this because I'm green? It is isn't it?"

"No! Listen, listen!" He took out a piece of paper and began to read excitedly. "Roses are red, violets are blue, but your skin is green, like a jumping bean!"

"Really Fiyero?" She demanded, stuffing her book back into her bag and shoving him out of her way. "Move out of the way."

"But I know how to please a woman! I mean, how to please you!"

"Then please leave me alone!" She insisted. "Move!" He obliged, but followed her out of the bar anyway, grabbing his coat as they passed Avaric.

"Elphaba, wait! What's wrong?" He shouted as she stormed her way in the direction of Crage Hall.

"You are so annoying!" She yelled back at him.

He tried not to smile, because he thought it might incur her wrath more, but she did look gorgeous when she was angry. Especially when she was angry with him. "Elphaba, stop!"

"Why?" She asked, though she stopped anyway, giving him a chance to catch up with her. "So you can throw a couple more insulting lines at me?"

"Oh come off it, Elphaba. You know I don't mean them like that!"

She put her hands on her hips. "Oh no? Is that why you bet Avaric a twenty that you could pick me up?"

His words caught in his throat. Busted. "Oh . . . you saw that, huh?"

She frowned, her eyes dancing with rage. "Yes, I saw that! D'you think I'm Oz-damned blind?"

"No! No, just let me explain." He begged, taking her hands and a few calming breaths at the same time. She stood waiting, licking her lips and tapping her foot. Suddenly he wished he had not had quite so much to drink; it was ruining his faculties. Or was that just the effect she had on him? "Elphaba, I'm sorry. I was being a jerk. Please don't hate me. It's just that Avaric wouldn't shut up about teasing you and I told him how great you are and then he bet me and then I had to do it to prove how amazing you are and then I just couldn't stop coming up with all these stupid lines and some of them I didn't even get to say to you-"

"Which ones?" She asked suddenly, interrupting his word-vomit.

"Sorry?"

"Tell me the ones you didn't say before." She said, calmly. He frowned at her, but was met with only curiosity instead of malice; apparently she had gotten over it.

"Wait, do you forgive me?" He asked.

Elphaba squeezed the hands that held her, and nodded. He had been an ass, true, but she knew he was telling the truth when he started jabbering and going off on a tangent. It was almost sweet in a way, that to pick her up he lost all his smoothness as a prince and had to resort to cheesy lines. She took the very indirect compliment.

"Well, um, there was 'you're eyes are as blue as the ocean, and baby I'm drowning.'" She laughed and the redness that had come into her cheeks from anger dissipated and was replaced by a purple blush. He took that as a good sign. "You look like a million dollars . . ."

"What, all wrinkled and green?" She ventured, though her voice was soft and happy.

He thought for a moment. "Okay well see? That's why I didn't go with that one."

"But you went with the one about my distant father and my dead mother?"

"Hey, I thought you had forgiven me?" He asked in a panic, but she giggled and he blinked in surprise at the sound; he had never heard her laugh like that before. Well, once maybe, but they had been in a dimly-lit library. "I heard a rumour you wanted to sleep with me.'" Her eyes widened like saucers for a moment, until he winked and she learned to relax.

"That's a rubbish pick-up line."

"Who said it was a pick-up line?" He asked, stepping in closer to her and feeling her tense up. "Can you still get parking tickets using a broom? Because you've got fine written all over you." Her heart-rate was certainly picking up; she wondered if he could tell. Was he still just firing lines at her? Or was he being sincere? Where they still in the street? When had they left the bar? "Elphaba?" He said, bringing her back to reality.

"Yes?" She replied, breathlessly.

"You know it's a good thing you have a library card."

She smiled, a twinkle in her eye. "Why's that?" She asked, her voice a whisper. What day was it?

"Because I'm checking you out."

She smirked. "These are truly awful, Yero." She said. Was it the weekend?

He heard that name. That nickname she had given him. She hardly ever used it, but now she was so close to him, he wondered why he was wasting time thinking it over. It had to be a good sign. He could practically feel her heart bursting out of her chest. "Fae? I lost my teddy . . . sleep with me tonight?"

Fae? Did he just call her that? She suddenly felt his hands slide around her waist and involuntarily, her own settled on his arms. His big, strong muscles. Why had she never noticed his biceps before? She shook her head when her mind's eye began to imagine how ripped he was under his shirt. Was it spring, or summer?

"You must be a broom, because you just swept me off my feet." He whispered, planting a kiss on her forehead. She would never wash it again. "Is your name Gillette?"

Somehow, she found a voice, though she was not sure she could trust it. "Goodness' sake Yero, you know my na-"

"Because you're the best a man can get."

She was absolutely sure that was a terrible line, but she seemed unable to come up with a single retort. All she could think of were the arms that held her against him, and the lips that touched her. Blankly, she stared at his chest, her head resting on his lips. "Fae, I think after all this you owe me a drink."

"How did you work that one out?" She asked slowly, each word taking every ounce of effort. Was this what happened when your respiratory system shut down?

"Because I dropped mine when I saw you." She smiled, though he could not see it. Then, she felt his hand lift her face up to look him in the eye. "Now, are you gonna kiss me or do I have to lie to my journal again?"

Her eyes fell to his lips, then his lips fell to hers, and they kissed.

His hand kept her softly in place, and she wrapped her arms around his neck. She felt her heart swell to twice its size and the satisfaction of his lips against hers again and again with only the slightest sense of surprise when he deepened the kiss. Finally, he gave her a short, sweet kiss and stopped.

Elphaba smiled, their bodies still pressed up against one another, so much so that she could feel that thing against her thigh.

"So, is that a sheath of straw in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" She asked.

LOL. So, made you laugh?