Disclaimer: I don't own HP and IA.

This is an xover of Harry Potter and Ice Age. The main pairing will be DiegoHarry. This was a challenge fic by Primal in AFF. Primal, thank you for such an amazing challenge, I hope that this fic sees to your expectation. This is a very mature fic with swear words and sexual content.

SMACK. "Owww!" THUMP.

"Stay there and shut up!" shouted one blubber-like figure leaning back on a huge pile of pillows and propping his massive feet on top of one, Harry Potter: Boy-Who-Lived and bravest hero in the wizarding world; punching-bag and freak to his muggle relatives.

"Yeah, you show him, Big-D!" crowed his companion.

"Go on Piers, just turn on the bloody telly!"

Piers complied flipping through channels, looking for interesting shows to watch; ergo, violent and bloody.

"Fuck! There's nothing good on, man!" Piers scowled at the TV in an accusing way. "What should we do now Dud? Should we go Harry-hunting?" He queried, looking at the backside of the aforementioned prey. 'He's got a shapely arse ... for a guy.' He felt his cock give a twitch. His eyes widen slightly in shock, then he suddenly smirked.

All this while, wizarding hero /slash/ footstool was on his hands and knees supporting a weight he doubts even donkeys could carry. He gritted his teeth, both in an effort to stay up and also in frustration.

What the hell is this sack of rotting potatoes he calls his cousin, trying to do to him?! Slowly crush his freakin' spine?! Bloody hell! What the hell was he thinking about?! What the hell was he doing with these two stupid idiots? Oh yeah, he remembers! "No, thank you Mrs Weasley. It will be safer for all of us if i stay at my relatives." 'Stupid, idiotic self!' No matter what- anywhere else is better than the Dursleys'! Even within a house full of fuckin' traitors!

Great! Now, he's reliving that afternoon! he doesn't know whether to be glad to know the truth or not. Guess Granger's not as know-it-all as she makes herself to be. And, well, there's nothing to say on the account of Ron- he's almost always stupid. But, thank god for dark corners in the Library.

FLASHBACK

'Stupid lamp breaking! How am I supposed to read the bloody book if I can't even see it?!' Harry said looking at the broken lamp. 'Oh well. I suppose I should just take the books I want; this Magical Creatures You Don't Know And Won't Believe Exists book looks interesting, so I'll take this. Aaand this book which I can't see the title of..' Harry squinted his eyes to see better in the dark. He moved forward to better decipher the title of the book. CLATTER. He looked down to see his wand had fallen off his pocket; he picked it up. He was about to put it away when he suddenly felt like he could smack himself silly. How could he forget! He's a bloody wizard, was he not?

He was about to cast Lumos when he heard the distinct sound of hurried steps and swishing of cloaks. He heard them stop to the other side of the book case he was looking at. That side was the further-most corner of the Library; meaning, the most favourite spot of naughty couples. Harry rolled his eyes. 'Another horny couple who can't keep their hands to themselves.' Moan. 'Oh God, I better go. I don't want to have another acronym to me: Boy-Who-Peeks.'

But before he could move away he heard sounds of flesh hitting each other. Harry's eyes bugged out. 'Fuckin' hell! They're shagging in there!' He heard more sounds of pants, moans and grunts. 'Aw great! Now I have a problem! I really better go, to get away from that AND to take care of this!'

"Ro-ho-nn."

'What?'

"H'mione."

Harry's eyes widen. 'Oh, eewww!' There goes his erection. Bye-bye .. maybe forever. He never wanted to know his best friends activity this ... intimacy. The he heard them shout in a whisper, their climax. Harry closes his eyes. 'Whhyy? Why me?!' He also noticed how they climaxed far too quickly, but before that thought could go any further, he murdered it with a machette.

"Oh no. I forgot to put on the contraceptive spell." whispered Hermione.

"Don't worry. If you ever get pregnant we can just say its Potter's, then he'll have to pay for the child." whispered Ron conspiratorially.

Harry stopped. 'What?! That good-for-nothing lousy best friend! I pity him. Hermione's gonna beat him to a pulp! GO Hermione!'

"That won't work, stupid!" Harry smiled. "No one's gonna fall for that! We'll have to take make it much more elaborately." Harry's smile dropped.

'Wha-? She's in with him?!' He thought, then felt like he could smack himself .. for a second time that day. 'Well, duuhh! Of course she's with him! She fucking him!'

"We could polly-juice you into him. And then you could rape me. But we after that we can't tell everbody yet. We need him to kill You-Know-Who first, and then we can tell everbody. And then we can have claim to all his money as compensation!"

Harry was shocked. His own best friends conspiring to get him thrown to Azkaban to get to his money. That's just so.. shocking. These are the people whom he grew up with in what he thought was the better part of his life. Turns out they're just like the rest of them. Seeing him for what he was and not for who he is. And worst, parading around as his most trusted and loyal friends while behind his back they're actually stabbing harshly at him.

God! His whole life was a catastophe!

"Yeah, you're so clever Hermione." Ron purred .. well, attempted to. He sounded like someone was strangling him.

"No-no, that won't work. We need to think this through better. Let's go back to the common room, see if he's already there. Maybe we can get some of his hair to make the Polyjuice potion. Well, IF we still go though with that plan. I think I - I mean- we could make a better plan than this. But just in case we need it, we should still get it. Come on."

Harry heard them move and he quickly and silently shuffled to the furthest and darkest corner hoping they don't see him again. They didn't.

END FLASHBACK

All the while, Dudley and Peirs were silently communicating about their plan to have 'fun'. Harry was still having more flashbacks of the remaining weeks he had in Hogwarts with his friends, well, his ex-friends and to say it was awkward was a big understatement. He had decided to pretend not to know what happened and instead tried to avoid them as much as possible, opting to stay in the library to do study and do his work. Of course he had to arrange his timing so that he wasn't there when one of the two were. So it came as a complete shock when the wieght on his back disappeared and he found himself sprawled on the bed.

The doorknob twists.

"Shit! I didn't even hear them in the driveway!" Dudley cursed, thinking his parents came home earlier than was expected. By now they had stripped Harry of all his clothing and tied his hands to the headboard. He struggled at first but with a firm punch to his stomach had him paralyzed for a few precious seconds. Dudley and Piers both hadn't had time to pull up their pants when the door swung open to their shocked and frightened faces. Harry gave a relieved sigh, 'I'm safe.'

The figure stepped inside and all hopes of survival was dashed in Harry's mind. For there stood a man garbed in a black cloak and a white mask, He -for he was tall and broad-shouldered- had his hood down and for that showed of his shoulder-length blond hair that is a trademark for only one prestigious pureblooded Dark family: the Malfoys. His face, if it weren't covered in the white mask would have shown utter shock equalling, maybe even rivaling that of the teens.

Dudley was the first to act. He pulled up his pants, quickly followed by his minion, and started to shriek at the figure. "It's one of you freaks again! What the fuck are you doin' here?! You're not supposed to be here until the end of summer! Get out, I'm tellin' Dad!" In his mind he's still terrified of the 'freaks', but with a Championship belt in boxing gave him enough boost and courage to stand up to them. Peirss looked on in utter confusion; not only because Dudley knew these weird people but he was also afraid of them, if the slight tremor in his voice was any indication; that, or he needed to go to the GP to check out his ears. Besides these people were only equiped with sticks. What are they gonna do? Poke them in the eye, demanding something whilst threatening to poke the other eye?! Pierss laughed in his head.

The regal-like man stood there silently contemplating all that his eyes are unbelievably seeing. For there naked and tied to the bed, not to mention -totally vulnerable- was Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived-To-Defeat-The-Dark-Lord, whom everyone thought was treated like a Royal Prince, was about to be raped,; in his own home and by his own cousin, had it not been for his interruption.

"Do you have any idea who you've just tried to rape?" Lucius asked rhetorically. In all honesty, he had absolutely no idea how to feel in this situation; where instead of he and his fellow Death Eaters, the ones who were supposed to mime and torture Potter, they were replaced by a couple of teenage riff-raffs that had no idea what they were doing!

Harry had never been so afraid in his life; not even when he was with Moldypants and the Dementors. Sure the Dursleys roughed him up a little, but never outright do something against the law! He never thought he would be placed in such an extremely humiliating vulnerability and defilation.

AND, to make things worse, the Munch Bunch arrived! He pulled his legs closer to himself to obscure his family jewels and tugged harder on his restraints. Stupid. Flipping. Restraints! AARGH! ... Oh, Crap! If Malfoy's here, who else is there?

Cackle! "Oooh! I can see wittle Potter's Wittle wee-wee!" Cackle. 'Bellatrix Lestrange.' stated Harry in his mind, desolately.

Blushing even more,he pulled his legs closer to himself. And suddenly he found himself with a lap-full of Malfoy. It all happened so fast he didn't even notice Dudley and Pierss being stunned and dragged out of the room.

"Well, well, well. What have we here?" and Harry heard the voice of the only person who could make his balls jump up to his throat and choke on it -hopefully to die.

There standing at the doorway, was Voldermort, aka his Stalker.

Finished for now. Please leave a review.