Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha for Rumiko Takahashi and Shonen Jump Do. If I use the same joke as someone else somewhere I apologize. I think I read this joke before a long time ago but I'm not certain. If so, I humbly beg for you to allow me to make use of it.
A Fanfic Glossary (by Inudaughter)
It was a warm summers' day in New York City. A bus rolled up to stop by a blue triangular sign and the doors rolled open with a shrieky bang. The motors of the engine continued to roll, and a certain Inu-hanyou kept his ears nestled flat amongst his silvery hair to guard against the drone. Coughing, he descended from the grooved rubber matting and readjusted the Adias dufflebag over his shoulder. He would simply have to hurry indoors faster, the hanyou grumbled to himself. With a clenched jaw, he bustled through the traffic fumes so unlike his private forest in Japan. But there was no hope for it. He had an acting contract to honor and Rumiko had deemed it necessary to hand him over to a thousand screaming fanfic authors. Traitor, the disgruntled hanyou muttered to himself, before nearing the entrance to a Radison. His dark, pencil blackened eyebrows shot up when he spied the concierge by the door.
"Miroku? What the hell are you doing here? You weren't no bell-boy the last time I saw you."
"Shh!" said Miroku slying holding up a finger. "I've taken on a part-time job here. You can't imagine, the perks are great! I get to see all these hot women (especially by the poolside) and the costume doesn't look bad on me either." Inuyasha had to admit, the red velvet didn't look all that shabby on Miroku. If anything, it only accentuated his devilish good looks.
"Miroku, what are you doing?" The two men followed the unfriendly drone to find Sango glaring at them with her arms folded.
"Nothing at all, dear Sango!" Miroku straightened and put on his best innocent look. "Inuyasha and I were merely discussing the hospitality of this establishment."
"Never mind that Miroku," said Sango clearly not buying it. "Now if you don't mind we had better be going up to the conference room. Rumiko-sama would be angry with us if we didn't meet these new directors. By the way, has Kagome-chan come in yet?"
"Ah, Kagome-sama." Miroku brushed off his waistcoat ceremoniously. "She arrived by airplane earlier this morning. By the way, your admirer sent another one of those threatening emails, Inuyasha. He wants his voice back." Inuyasha snorted.
"Well tell him he can't have it. Hasn't he seen the Blue Rose before?" (In this movie, a character comes to life on the screen and comes into confrontation with the actor who portrayed him).
"Apparently not. In any event, lets all go inside, Inuyasha. I've heard there's a buffet table."
"All right, food!" said Inuyasha grinning.
The threesome walked inside, Miroku discarding his red coat and hat somewhere in the shrubbery. They entered the conference room of the Radison only to discover a vacant room with a half circle of chairs in it. Ominously, there were chains and handcuffs on each of them. Wisely, Inu-tachi (Inuyasha's group) chose to stand.
They were all standing there tersely when a sudden slam caused them to jump. They looked around, but to their relief it was only Kagome, carrying Shippo in her arms and Kilala in a pet carrier. She set down both of them and looked around before sidling into Inuyasha's arms.
"Hello, honey," said Kagome exchanging a small kiss. "How was your journey?"
"Not bad. The bus wasn't fun but it was much more enjoyable than being stuck in a pet carrier."
"Now, now," said Kagome wagging a finger before his nose and kissing him again sweetly. "You and I both know that the real reason you can't ride airplanes is those claws of yours. You're too likely to tear the plane apart." The exchange of jokes between the two caused the entire group to chuckle. Then mirth aside, they continued to look around speculatively. Kagome pursed her lips in a cute pout.
"I don't see our director anywhere."
"Of course you don't." Everyone gave pause as a large planter full of cannas began shaking. A blue, scrunched up witch-hat emerged, followed by a minute, one-foot tall figure with pastel blue bat wings stretched out behind her. She floated up to levitate at eye-level, clutching a bag of MacDonald's French fries. Kagome pointed a finger at her.
"Um, who are you?"
"I am Midara of course. I was created specifically to protect you from the horrors of fanfic authors. I have superpowers," she added by way of explanation.
"Um, of course," said Kagome trying to cease her gaping.
"Well, come on now. Everyone sit down. No-no-NO! That Welkilar! She actually gave in to that fanfic writer's suggestions! I will have to get another assistant. Your chairs are NOT supposed to have chains on them!" So saying this, Midara pulled out a magic wand and directed it at the offending furniture. It immediately transformed into leather sofas, and Inu-tachi sat down in them. Midara herself took up residence in the gray pin-striped recliner. She looked pointedly at each of the Inuyasha series characters.
"So, are there any specific questions regarding fanfiction which you wish to ask me?"
"Yeah," said Inuyasha drumming his fingers irritably. "What the hell IS fanfiction?" There was a pause as the statement sunk into his listeners. The next moment, Midara took in a deep, panic-attack status breath.
"What is fanfiction?!" she cried, obviously outraged. "WHAT IS FANFICTION?! IT IS ONLY THE MOST MAGNIFICENT EXAMPLE OF LITERATURE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!"
"Um, sure, whatever." Inuyasha began to look sedated by her craziness. Midara noticed the fear, and so took deep, calming breaths.
"What I mean to say, Inuyasha darling, is that fanfiction is the chance for all your reverent fans to bring you into their own imaginations, their own life history. In these past years, hundreds upon hundreds of fan fictions have been created, many of them standing on their own as a literary masterpiece. Best all, between the works, there is an exploration of every imaginable possibility! Fanfiction is a literary discussion of the highest nature, and it isn't just parody that explores the merits and promises of Rumiko's classic. Fanfiction is a world in itself and you will find a whole other existence there, one the manga author never intended. But it lives and breathes all on its own. There are rules here made as if by one consensual being."
"What do you mean?" Inuyasha looked at the superpowered bat-thing nervously.
"Well," said Midara helping herself to some tea as it was handed to her by a white-aproned assistant. Inuyasha and Kagome too accepted beverages as she watched them. "Over the years there has risen a certain 'culture' within fanfiction. For example, it is commonly accepted that two married demons refer to eachother as 'mates' and that they are connected by a mating bond which is physical, spiritual, and frequently psychopathic."
"What?" said Inuyasha spitting up his tea. "Our creator never said anything like that!"
"Ah, but your fans do," said Midara with a sly smile. "It is their innermost wish that you do so. They have created an entire demon 'culture', complete with nobility and ruling class. It is all very fascinating and you must realize that it is within these social restraints that you will frequently be working. There are many exceptions of course."
"All right," said Inuyasha working off his near choking. "Do I get to kill Kouga?" he added hopefully.
"Often," said Midara. At this point, she did not feel it admissible that sometimes it was the other way around too, in the case of Kouga/Kagome fictions.
Everyone remained staring at her nervously, so Midara pulled a long scroll from out of her dress robes. She unfurled it and cleared her voice so loudly that it echoed across the marble of the chamber floor.
"If you have no more immediate questions I think it best if we start with the basics. Anything more would be a cruel overload for anyone. I have a glossary here of common fanfic lingo, and we will go over it alphabetically." Inu-tachi relaxed into their cushions. No one made any complains but they did lift an eyebrow or two as Midara fixed a pair of old-fashioned spectacles to her nose before commencing her reading.
"First definition," Midara began in her loud, squeaky voice, "Alternative pairing. An alternative pairing is a romantic pairing differing from those suggested by the original manga author. That may mean Inuyasha playing opposite a different heroine, maybe a wolf demon or even Kagura." There were displeased looks but everyone nodded to demonstrate understanding.
"Definition two. Traditional pairing. A traditional pairing is a romantic pairing strictly in keeping with those suggested by the original manga author. There are many of these out there, the majority of them being Inu/K or Inuyasha and Kagome fics. You will have a lot of work cut out for you." Inuyasha gave out a triumphant grin and darted an arm around Kagome's shoulder. He hugged her to him possessively. Kagome snuggled against him.
"Definition three," said Midara frowning at the open display since it would mean more work for her getting the two to cooperate in their professional roles, "AR or Alternative Reality. An alternative reality is a story in which the circumstances surrounding the characters differs from that of the original manga. This may mean the presence of deceased parents, for example, or a different parentage altogether. In a lot of stories, Kagome, you will be playing a demon or hanyou. Inuyasha, you will have a lot more screen time than you could ever have imagined as a human." The two looked at each other in absolute astonishment.
"Does that mean I will get to play a human, too?" said Shippo speaking up finally. He rubbed sleep from his eyes and took a lollipop from an attendant. Midara smiled fondly at him. As a shape-changing kitsune, he had a great deal of promise as an actor.
"Of course Shippo. In the majority of roles you will merely be a side character making guest appearances. I regret to say not many have taken to writing about you but a few remarkable fanfics exist. You will even get to be a villain, Shippo."
"Great," said the child happily. "Just so long as I don't have to get all chummy with Inuyasha." Midara laughed nervously. She knew he would love the fanfics he would get to act as tormentor but she knew that there were also ones in which she would be calling Inuyasha 'Papa'. She cleared her throat to announce the next term.
"Definition four. AU or Alternative Universe. This is a story that takes place in a setting different from that of the original manga. Miroku, Sango, you had better get your schoolbooks out because many of your fanfics will be taking place at Shikon High! For my favorites though, you will all be working in a local strip club."
"WHAT?!" Midara ignored Inuyasha's outcry.
"Oh yes," she gossiped happily. "Movie star mansions, exotic beaches, undercover agencies, 18th century theatre balls in European countries, we've got them all. We especially have magic and/or youkai castles hidden on cliffsides possibly with an element of enslavement. It creates an easy way for the lead characters to get to know one another if one of the characters buys the other." Miroku got a sudden lecherous expression.
"Sango, " he said lowering himself on his knees before her partially open cleavage, "Will you do me the honor of taking me into your servitude?"
"Nothing doing, lecher!" Sango smacked him and they had to wait a few minutes for him to awaken before returning to the glossary.
"Definition five. This is one you may be particularly interested in. It is 'awards association'. An awards association is any of a number of online associations which gives awards for the best Inuyasha fanfiction per quarter, based on popularity by vote following nomination by a non-author. Many of the fanfics Rumiko has signed you off on are award winners with a large following and Deviant artwork. It's the Grammies for fanfiction!"
"Really." Inuyasha folded his arms dubiously so Midara beat him with a paper fan.
"Ahem. Definition six. Beta. Not only is this term frequently used in fanfiction to delineate a secondary status in a demonic family 'pack', it is also the title given to a proofreader whom has so generously offered their services to another fanfic author. It makes for better reading. God bless the betas!" At this point, everyone was nodding rapidly lest they get hit with the paper fan.
"Definition seven. Canon. An in-canon story is one that takes place strictly in the setting created by the original manga author. A good one can be rather rare to find sometimes but the AU can be thrilling. That brings us to definition eight. Crossover! No, it is not crossdressing, Miroku! If you keep thinking like that I will steal your playboy magazines! A crossover is when a character from one manga/anime series meets those of another. Most frequently you will all be coming into contact with the cast from Rurouni Kenshin, Rhamna ½, and YuYu Hakisho! You might want to keep an eye one your girls, though. They're sure to be stolen." Miroku and Inuyasha both exchanged dark looks and fingered their weapons ominously just thinking about the 'pansies' they would have to slaughter come next Anime convention.
"Definition nine," Midara said almost boredly, "drabble. A short exploration of thought, 250 words or less. These should be over quickly. If not, there are more appropriately called a short-short." Looking down at the list, her expression took on a radiant brightening.
"This one's for you Miroku! Definition ten! Lemon. The portion of a story detailing sexual activity taken to completion. Yes my dear friends, in fanfiction you will be asked to do many wild and rampant examples of sex!" The next few minutes were marked by Inuyasha's jaw silently opening and closing. Miroku meanwhile kept a grin of delirium stretched ear to ear. When he finally spoke it was to sigh out happily, "ah, fanfiction!"
Definition eleven," said Midara ignoring them again. "Lime. A lime is the portion of a story detailing sexual related activity but not the act itself, meaning kisses and stimulation. Definition twelve, citrus, is similar. In citrus the author will make use of both limes and lemons peppered throughout the story."
She looked down at the list and her nose wrinkled up in a look of disgust. "Definition thirteen costs us a lot of exterior contract money. Mary Sue. This is when a fanfic writer puts him/herself or a friend into the fanfic. Usually it results in an inferior piece, but if done right, it could have its uses at least for personal satisfaction by the author. I find it distasteful though." An omnipresent voice suddenly echoed through the room as if by loudspeaker.
"Yeah right, Midara, you're one to talk."
"Definition fourteen," said Midara ignoring the narrator. "One-shot. A one-shot is a story completed within one chapter. Some of the best fanfictions out there are one-shots, especially since many of the longer works are never finished. The author simply vanishes somewhere. According to our recent studies, approximately one quarter of them end up in the Bermuda Triangle while the other three quarters go off to college or are grounded by their parents for posting lemons."
"I ain't guilty of nothin'!" Shippo shouted out shrilly only to find six sets of eyes on him. "What?" he said blandly while hiding stubs of airline tickets to Bermuda in his pocket.
"Definition fifteen," Midara continued, "OOC or out of character. OOC refers to the phenomenon of fanfic authors to cause characters to speak, act, or think in ways dissimilar to how they would in the original manga or anime. The most common maladies appear to be Sesshomaru taking up romantic infatuations with miko and Inuyasha to be particularly sexually promiscuous. The most striking example of OCC for me, of course, would be the heart-touching renderings of 'brotherly love' among Inuyoukai."
"You must be joking," said Inuyasha, all colors draining from his face.
"Of course there are a lot of jokes here!" said Midara shaking her paper. "Definition sixteen is parody. The word has a theatrical root but in fanfiction it loosely refers to any comical tale containing mockery. Fortunately, not many mock the show itself but stick to safer subjects such as mocking fanfiction itself." The voice over the loudspeaker reappeared.
"You mean like this fic?"
"Be quiet you!" Midara yelled at the narrator.
"Definition seventeen. Plot bunnies. We try to avoid these as much as possible! Plot bunnies are points at which an author shamelessly decides to make an event happen or a character do something for apparently no reason other than the author wishes them to do so. Plot Bunnies frequently result in spawned children, the reappearance of long lost siblings, and overused plotlines. If you see them at all, please kill them."
"Um, okay," said Inuyasha looking at where Midara's hand pointed to the Tetsusiaga.
"Definition eighteen. Songfic or Poem Fic. These are fanfics containing music lyrics or poetry. They must, by law, contain additional disclaimers to the standard 'I do not own Inuyasha' clause." Inuyasha snorted.
"Of course I don't belong to anyone but Rumiko. If I did the fangirls would start the next worldwar over my tantalizing body."
"Inuyasha," Kagome said sternly. "I think all that fanmail is getting to your head."
"Sorry, koishii," he said sheepishly. Midara grinned.
"And this bring us to the final terms in the Fanfic Glossary. Definitions nineteen and twenty. Yaoi and Yuri. These are fanfic tales with romantic pairing between members of the same sex. Yaoi is between boys and yuri is between girls. The fanfic we currently have the most budget for is a sultry tale of incest between a hanyou and a demon." Inuyasha paled completely and even began to shiver.
"NANI?! Not that rat-bastard Sesshomaru! I refuse to play in a fanfic with him!"
"Relax, little brother," said Sesshomaru standing in the corner leant against a column support. "I went through this orientation three days ago and I've already put my approval on contract. Don't delude yourself into thinking I would ever play opposite of you. I much prefer Naraku."
"You must be kidding!" Sesshomaru shrugged.
"Really, the love triangle between Naraku-Kagura-and I was too much for me to pass up. I enjoy playing in extreme films. Besides, I get to kill everyone." With that, the great taiyouaki floated away and everybody present gaped at him for their irrespective reasons.
Author Notes: Um, like my other works, this kind of took on a life of its own so I'm not guilty! It was the definitions that did it! Recently, I posted my 1,000th fanfic review and I discovered that I was thinking nostalgically of how difficult it was for me at first to understand all the directions in fanfiction. But as someone whom has read well over a thousand fanfictions and authored several, I decided to put down to electronic pen some definitions for everyone new to the Inuyasha fanfiction world. I also encourage everyone to consider joining an Inuyasha fanfiction awards association and I even hope someday to get nominated for one of their awards. For everyone who writes, reads, and reviews Inuyasha fanfiction, I say thankyou! My time amongst you all on this site has been cherished. PS, I'm not going anywhere so don't panic. I intend to make an attempt to finish my fanfics already under way before leaving for elsewhere, but gee if you don't review I can't promise anything now can I? Bwahahahahaha!