CHEERS
"Times Change, Bar Patrons Don't"
PROJECTED AIRDATE: September 16th, 1993.
Sam Malone........................................TED DANSON Rebecca Howe...................................KIRSTIE ALLEY
Carla Tortelli..................................RHEA PERLMAN Woody Boyd...................................WOODY HARRELSON
Frasier Crane.................................KELSEY GRAMMER
Cliff Clavin...............................JOHN RATZENBERGER Norm Peterson...................................GEORGE WENDT
EPISODE 276.
SEASON 12, EPISODE 01.
This is my twelfth season of "Cheers". The series ran from 1982 to 1993, it ended because Ted Danson did not want to do it anymore, well I am writing a twelfth season, it starts six months after the series finale where Sam and Diane go to get married, but don't. Here are the storylines-- Kelly is nine months pregnant, Sam is still in his sex addicts anonymous classes, Woody is still Boston Congressman and Norm still has his accounting job. Rebecca and Don are "happily" married for six months, so is Frasier and Lilith. Frasier is still at Cheers, even after the finale, whereas in the storylines, he divorces Lilith and moves to Seattle and that's how "Frasier" starts. I have edited and edited this teleplay to make it seem like a real "Cheers" script. I hope you enjoy! The episode is called "Times Change, Bar Patrons Don't". All the cast members from the eleventh season are there, Ted Danson, Woody Harrelson, Kirstie Alley, John Ratzenberger, George Wendt, Rhea Perlman, and Kelsey Grammer. Nicholas Colasanto and Shelley Long are not in this season, nor is Bebe Neuwirth, although she will make various appearances through the season, so will recurring characters played by Paul Willson and Jackie Swanson. "Cheers" ended eleven years after the premiere, and amazingly was still in its prime, hopefully this scripts I like to call "lost" are in the prime too. I have made this unlike a fanfic, I have wrote it in real script format, like the kind the writers in Hollywood do. The head writers of this series are some of my favorite writers, they Glen Charles, Les Charles, Phoef Sutton, David Angell, and Heide Perlman. I hope I can rate near them in the future, but for now ... You are about to enter Cheers euphoria... DESCRIPTION: Rebecca has worries that Don is cheating on her with a client. Woody anticipates Kelly's labor, when she finally does go into labor, Norm and Cliff go with him to the hospital, which leaves Cheers understaffed, so Frasier volunteers to tend the bar, and Norm-less, which means a lot more beers for the rest of the people.
FADE IN:
TEASER ONE.
EXT. CHEERS - SIGN.
INT. CHEERS - NIGHT.
We visit Cheers at night. Carla, Norm, Cliff, Woody and Frasier are there. Norm is sitting in his regular seat, Cliff is sitting by him, and Carla is in the middle, checking the receipts, and Frasier is sitting in his normal seat, sitting right by the seat where Lilith used to sit. Woody is behind the bar serving up drinks.
CARLA
Do any of you know how Sam is doing? It's been about six months since ... stiff made her return.
NORM Pretty bad ... I just wouldn't try to bring up Diane.
CARLA SCREAMS.
NORM (CONT'D) Sorry, sorry ... don't bring up stiff.
CLIFF
Eh ... yeah, he's feeling pretty lousy.
SAM ENTERS WITH FOUR WOMEN AROUND HIS ARMS.
SAM
Hey guys! (LAUGHS) Come on Tootsie, Roxie, Donna, Sheri ... let's go to bed!
THEY GO INTO HIS OFFICE.
WOODY
Wow, he does look pretty lousy.
NORM
Huh? What did I tell you? Yeah, before he'd have seven women around his arms. Now four, I'm sad to say our Sammy might be toning down on women.
FRASIER
I don't think so.
NORM
Why's that, Frase?
FRASIER
I walked in there earlier to get a pen, and I found another four women there, they told me they were waiting for Sam.
WOODY
(NODS) Times never change.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
ACT ONE, SCENE A.
EXT. CHEERS - MORNING.
INT. CHEERS - MORNING.
We join Cheers the next morning. The set up is the same, except for Paul, who is sitting by Cliff and Norm. Carla is serving drinks and Frasier is there, he is sitting at the left side of the bar.
NORM Wood, a beer there? (SLIDES MUG OVER)
WOODY
(GETS BEER FROM UNDER THE BAR) I'm way ahead of you, Mr. Peterson!
NORM
Great job Wood, I knew you would get the hang of it! (DRINKS)
REBECCA ENTERS, SHE IS MAD. SHE WALKS TOWARDS THE OFFICE.
CLIFF
Hello Rebecca! (STANDS)
REBECCA
Shut up, Cliff! (PUSHES HIM BACK IN HIS SEAT)
CARLA
What's wrong with pig breath?
WOODY
Hey, is that another Hanover crack?
NORM
Rebecca, you a little mad there, huh?
REBECCA
Yes Norm. (GIVES HIM A BEER) Don has been plumbing in the same woman's house everyday.
NORM
Yeah, I hate it when I have a regular job too.
WOODY Speaking of jobs, Mr. Peterson, did you show up to work today?
NORM
Of course. I'm a federal accountant now, I am never off-duty ... which is why I am working overtime at this very moment.
REBECCA
No! I'm worried, what if he is having an affair?
FRASIER
Rebecca, don't be so worried. I'm sure this woman has a rather large plumbing catastrophe.
REBECCA
No she doesn't, Frasier! He's been there from four to six for the past three weeks! How big a plumbing problem could that woman have?
FRASIER
Well that's some damning evidence, isn't it Rebecca?
REBECCA
No guys! I'm really worried, Carla you've been with lots of guys, how do you know when they cheat on you?
CARLA
When they don't sleep with you anymore, that's why I got back ups.
REBECCA
(LOOKS AROUND) Well that's not happened to me...
SAM ENTERS FROM OFFICE AND GOES BEHIND BAR.
SAM Hey guys, what's up?
NORM
Rebecca and Don aren't sleeping together 'cause Don has a major plumbing catastrophe to take care of at some woman's house. Beer, Wood?
WOODY GIVES HIM A BEER.
SAM Major plumbing catastrophe, huh? I've had those before.
CLIFF
Oh ... and Cliff is being a Clavin.
SAM So, Rebec ... not sleeping with Don, huh? Want me to come over tonight ... and let me -- shall I say -- fill the void? Among other things?
REBECCA
Sam, don't joke about things like that, I'm a married woman now ... I am un-catch-able.
SAM So what? I've caught married women before ... lots of them and then I just threw them back.
REBECCA
(SARCASTIC) Oh, you get me so hot.
PAN TO:
Woody at the other end of the bar, he is playing with a beeper.
CLIFF
Eh ... Woody? You bought a beeper, huh? What's it for? To tell the misses your going to be late because old Normie wants more beer? (CHUCKLES)
WOODY
No, I rented it. Kelly is due any minute now and this is a way to know when she goes into labor.
NORM
Wow, it's been nine months, already? Seems like yesterday you broke down in front of all of Boston and found out Kelly was pregnant.
WOODY
Yeah, yeah ... Time sure flies by in the Boyd household, Mr. Peterson.
NORM
I have a little wisdom for you, Woody ... you know what else makes time fly by?
WOODY
A beer, Mr. Peterson?
NORM
Ah, it looks like your the one with the wisdom, Woody!
WOODY GIVES NORM A BEER, PAUL NOTICES THIS.
PAUL (TO NORM) Boy, Norm ... your really putting down those beers, huh?
NORM
Yeah? So?
PAUL So I'm going to have to drink even more to get your stool when you leave.
NORM (CHUCKLES) It will take you a long time to get this stool. Unlike other legends, I won't retire in my prime. I'll retire when I'm a sluggish fat man holding on to my lung for dear life.
CARLA
If that were true you would have retired fourteen years ago.
CLIFF HEARS NORM'S COMMENT, HE STANDS AND GOES AROUND THE BAR TO PAUL AND NORM.
CLIFF
Hey ... Normie, what's this I hear? I thought I'd get your stool after your liver implodes? Yeah, I've known you longer than Paul here has ... I consider myself your best friend, in fact I do know more about Normie than most people, even himself. You see, I've done what seems the important. I've actually calculated when Norm will die. Yeah, that's right ... it's a little known fact that Norm's liver will give up in 2084, you see he'll still be able to live until he gets a new liver, but knowing Normie, he'll cut off life support due to lack of beer.
NORM Wait, 2084? Won't be like a (MORE) NORM (CONT'D) one-hundred-twenty-five by then?
CLIFF
2084 or natural causes.
PAUL Then I guess I need to find a new bar.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE, SCENE B.
EXT. CHEERS - NOON.
INT. CHEERS - NOON.
We revisit Cheers at noon the same day. The scenery is the same, Sam is in his office. Rebecca walks from the pool room across near Frasier, Frasier notices her.
FRASIER
Rebecca! (STANDS UP AND GOES TO HER AND SITS NEXT TO HIM) Are you still worried about the whole Don fiasco?
REBECCA
No. (CRIES) Just because my husband is cheating on me is no reason to be worried! I just have a failed marriage!
FRASIER
Rebecca, quit whining. Don is a loyal man, he would not cheat on you. This whole paranoia has got to stop! The whole paranoia phase is just a flake of (MORE) FRASIER (CONT'D) your psyche. Nothing is going on!
REBECCA
Yeah, right! I am listening to a man whose wife slept with another man, and took her back like the big old softie he is.
FRASIER
(MAD, STANDS) Damn you Rebecca!
FRASIER GOES BACK TO HIS SEAT AND CARLA WALKS OVER TO REBECCA CRYING.
CARLA
Here, wash up. (THROWS BEER IN HER FACE)
PAN TO:
Other side of bar, Cliff and Norm are playing with Woody's beeper. It begins beeping.
WOODY
Is that Kelly? Is she going into labor?
CLIFF
Yeah! Yeah! Run Woody!
WOODY
Oh my God! (RUNS OUT OF BAR) I'm coming Kelly!
NORM
(TO CLIFF) He's so gullible!
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE, SCENE C.
EXT. CHEERS - AFTERNOON.
INT. CHEERS - AFTERNOON.
All are there. Rebecca is in the pool room. Sam is in his office. Norm and Cliff are still playing with the beeper, it begins beeping again.
WOODY
No, I won't fall for it this time!
REBECCA ENTERS FROM POOL ROOM.
CARLA
What's with the confident look, lard butt?
REBECCA I am going to confront Don.
WOODY
Well good for you, Ms. Howe!
CLIFF
Eh ... yeah, Rebecca? Your confronting him? What are you going to do, get a spy? Or wire him?
REBECCA
Cliff, I'm not in the FBI. I'm just going to sit him down calmly, put my left hand on his hand, and ask him if he is or he is not cheating on me, while gently (MORE) REBECCA (CONT'D) griping the kitchen knife on my right hand, which will be hid under the table.
FRASIER
Uh, Rebecca ... when are you going to confront him?
REBECCA
I told him to come here, I am going to confront him here, at Cheers. My elmomotor.
FRASIER
You do know you will be made a fool of in front of your peers?
PAN TO:
Woody and Norm. Woody is smiling as Norm looks at him.
NORM
Hey Woody, why are you so happy? (GASPS) New bar taps?
WOODY
No, no Mr. Peterson. I'm just thinking. To wonder, Woodrow Tiberius Boyd and Kelly Susan Gaines Boyd enter parenthood. Today is her due date. I'm so excited. To think any minute now that beeper can beep. The mystery. Will my twins have fingers and toes ... how about eyes?
NORM
Somewhere in the world, millions of child care professionals know that they (MORE) NORM (CONT'D) will never be ready for sabotage you two will embark upon. Hell, I'm just happy it's not me and Vera. Hell, I'm just happy it's not Vera.
CLIFF
Hey, Wood. Ever thought of the possibly that your offspring may be are Siamese twins? It's a little known fact that two blondes have the biggest ratio odds of birthing Siamese twins. Eh, yeah, the blond gene.
CARLA
Shut up, Clavin.
FRASIER (TAKES A BEER AND DRINKS, HE SAYS UNDER HIS BREATH) That's a lie.
CLIFF
(HEARS FRASIER) What did you say there, Frase?
FRASIER
Nothing.
CLIFF
Eh no, I heard you say something.
FRASIER
I said your full of crap!
DON ENTERS AND SEES REBECCA SITTING AT THE TABLE.
DON Hi, Rebecers ... you wanted to see me?
REBECCA
Yes, Don ... I wanted to see you, oh dear husband...
DON
What do you want to talk about?
REBECCA
Oh, I think we should go into the office.
REBECCA AND DON WALK INTO SAM'S OFFICE, WE HEAR THEM TALK.
SAM Hey Rebec, want to take me up on that offer?
REBECCA
Sam, get out.
SAM COMES INTO THE BAR, HE SEES A WOMAN PASS BY AND BEGINS TO FOLLOW HER.
SAM
Whoa ...
FRASIER PULLS SAM BY THE SHIRT AND SITS HIM DOWN AS THE WOMAN WALKS OUT.
FRASIER
Sam, did you forget about your little sex class? Trim down.
SAM
(LAUGHS) You know that's impossible. I'm Sammy.
FRASIER
The rules for your class are only one session of sex a week, with those four woman you (QUOTE) had (UNQUOTE) last night, you -- shall I say -- are maxxed out for the month of September.
SAM
Your right, your right. I've been doing great lately and shouldn't do it, and you shouldn't have too much a good thing, right?
FRASIER
Right.
SAM
I'm glad you agree with me, now let's talk about your tab ...
FRASIER
(SMILES) What tab?
SAM TURNS AROUND AND WALKS TOWARD THE POOL ROOM, HE PASSES BY NORM, WHO GIVES HIM A DIRTY LOOK.
NORM
Don't look at me!
CUT TO:
ACT ONE, SCENE D.
INT. SAM'S OFFICE - MEANWHILE.
We see Rebecca and Don in Sam's office. Rebecca is standing up, walking back and forth. Don is sitting on the couch looking up at her.
DON So Rebecers, what's this about? I have to get going, I have a plumbing appointment.
REBECCA Oh I bet you do. I know what you've been doing from four to six!
DON Fixing drains?
REBECCA
No ... your client!
DON What are you talking about?
REBECCA
Don't look at me like that, you know what I'm talking about! Oh faithful husband!
CUT TO:
ACT ONE, SCENE E.
INT. CHEERS - MEANWHILE.
We see Woody meanwhile in the bar area, his beeper starts beeping, he takes it out of his pocket and looks at it.
WOODY
Oh my God! It's time! It's time! Mr. Peterson, Mr. Clavin! Let's go!
WOODY JUMPS OVER THE BAR COUNTER AND RUNS OUT, CLIFF AND NORM FOLLOWS, CLIFF RUNS OUT THE DOOR AND NORM STOPS AT THE END OF THE BAR AND LOOKS TO SAM.
NORM
Sam, beer to go please?
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE.
FADE IN:
ACT TWO, SCENE F.
EXT. BOSTON HOSPITAL - DAY.
INT. BOSTON HOSPITAL - DAY.
We see the interior of BOSTON HOSPITAL, Norm, Cliff, and Woody come running into the waiting area, a whole bunch of seats are there and a counter, where a nurse is. They run over to the desk. Norm falls onto the counter, out of breath.
WOODY
(OUT OF BREATH) Kelly ... Susan. Gaines ... Boyd.
CLERK (CHECKS COMPUTER) We don't have a Kelly Susan Gaines Boyd, but we do have a Kelly Boyd. She is in room 216.
WOODY
Listen lady, I don't care if a person has the same name as my wife, I want to know where she is.
CLIFF
(TO WOODY) Eh, Woody, that's her.
WOODY Oh, thanks. (SMILES) It's time!
THE THREE GO DOWN THE HALL, THE CLERK STOPS THEM.
CLERK
Excuse me! Only the father can see her.
NORM
Go Wood!
CLIFF
Yeah, good luck!
WOODY
(TEARS) I'm going to be a daddy!
WOODY HUGS CLIFF AND NORM.
NORM
Woody, go, it's time.
WOODY RUNS INTO THE ROOM. NORM AND CLIFF JUST STAND THERE, THEY ARE BORED.
CLIFF
So ...
NORM Yeah. (PAUSE) You think they got beer in this place?
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE G.
EXT. CHEERS - EVENING.
INT. CHEERS - EVENING.
We Cheers at evening. Sam, Frasier, Paul and Carla are there. Sam is behind the bar, serving up drinks. Frasier is just sitting in his seat, so is Paul. Carla is waiting on customers. There's a crowd in the bar, because they are understaffed. A man named Robert walks up to the bar and talks to Sam.
ROBERT
Excuse me, I think I ordered a margarita ... (LOOKS AT WATCH) twenty minutes ago.
PAUL I ordered a draught before you.
FRASIER
Sam ... I ordered a wine spritzer before all of these imbeciles.
SAM
Sorry people, were just understaffed without Woody. (THEN) Say Frase, could you help us out behind the bar?
FRASIER
Uh, I wasn't really too thirsty, but I'm sure Paul is up for the job.
SAM
Nah, come on man, we're understaffed.
FRASIER
Sam, my life is understaffed. (PAUSE) Tips?
SAM
Yeah.
FRASIER
I'd love to! (GOES BEHIND BAR) Paul, your draught is coming right up! (POURS IT AND GIVES IT TO PAUL)
REBECCA ENTERS FROM THE POOL ROOM.
REBECCA
Hey guys. (REALIZES NORM ISN'T THERE) Hey, can I ask a question, where's Norm? I've always wondered if there was really a barstool there or not.
SAM
He left.
REBECCA
Did we run out of beer? (LOOKS AT HIS SEAT) So this is his stool, long time no see. (GOES AROUND THE BAR) Where'd he go?
SAM
Kelly went into labor. (EAT PEANUTS)
REBECCA
Oh, that's great!
PAUL LOOKS OVER TO NORM'S STOOL, HE GETS UP TO GET A CLOSER LOOK.
PAUL
So this is Norm's stool, huh? I think I'll substitute for him. (SITS) Yeah, this is comfortable. And it's really warm. Hasn't he been gone for about an hour?
SAM
Yeah, he has.
PAUL
Wow, he must have some sort of superpower.
CARLA
Well after all those years sitting down, he had to learn some talents.
PAUL This is real comfortable. Wow.
WE HEAR NORM'S VOICE.
NORM (VOICE) Get up, get up!
PAUL SCREAMS AND GETS UP, CARLA LOOKS AT PAUL AND TAKES A TAPE PLAYER FROM UNDER THE BAR AND THROWS IT TO PAUL.
CARLA
It's just a tape recorder, you moron!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE H.
EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT.
INT. KELLY'S HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT.
We see the hospital room Kelly is in. We hear Woody screaming her name down the halls, he runs by the room and runs back and runs in.
WOODY
Kelly!
KELLY (SMILES) Hi Woody!
WOODY Where are the babies?
KELLY
In my tummy, silly!
WOODY How did you get here, you drove from home?
KELLY No, a nice man in a yellow cab drove me over here. But then he wasn't so nice, he had the nerve to charge me twenty-five dollars and twenty-six cents. Where do you expect a pregnant wealthy woman to have that sort of money?
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE I.
INT. THE WAITING ROOM IN THE HOSPITAL - MEANWHILE.
We see Norm and Cliff sitting down in the waiting room, they have a big box of DUNKIN' DONUTS in their laps and they are eating quickly. They have powder and jelly all over there faces.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE J.
EXT. CHEERS - MEANWHILE.
INT. CHEERS - MEANWHILE.
We revisit Cheers. Paul is sitting in his seat, while Sam and Frasier are behind the bar. Carla is waiting on customers. Frasier is in the middle of a joke.
FRASIER
(LAUGHS) And the patient says that he thinks about killing himself, so I tell him to live it up! (NO ONE LAUGHS) Hey, who ordered a shot of tequila?
THE PHONE RINGS, SAM PICKS IT UP. IT IS NORM. WE SEE A SPLIT SCREEN.
SAM
Cheers!
NORM I think your mistake, don't you mean the Peterson residence?
SAM
(CHUCKLES) Norm! What's up?
NORM
Not Kelly's legs, those darn babies still in there.
SAM
She's still in labor, huh? How many centimeters is she dilated?
NORM
Who cares? Can you do me a favor? Take an empty mug (SAM DOES) and pour some beer in it and then put the phone up against the tap, huh?
SAM DOES WHAT NORM TELLS HIM TOO, NORM MOANS.
SAM
See ya Norm. (HANGS UP)
PAUL
Hey Frase, can I get a scotch? (FRASIER GIVES HIM SCOTCH)
CARLA
Hey, can I get that first? (TAKES THE SCOTCH, DRINKS IT AND SPITS IT ON PAUL'S HEAD, SHE LAUGHS) His bald spot acts like a saucer!
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE J.
INT. REBECCA'S HOME - MEANWHILE.
We see Rebecca's house. She walks in and opens the light.
REBECCA
Don!
DON ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.
DON Rebecers!
REBECCA Don't Rebecer me, you little lying, cheating, scoundrel of a husband!
DON
I can explain, Rebecers!
REBECCA
Sure you can! (SHE WALKS TO THE KITCHEN DOOR)
DON
Where are you going?
REBECCA
Where do you think I'm going? I'm going into the kitchen to get a gallon of(MORE) REBECCA (CONT'D) ice cream. Where are you going? To cheat on me with your client!
DON Er, we don't have any more ice cream. Not since last night, remember? You watched old yeller again.
REBECCA WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT, THERE IS A BANNER THERE THAT SAYS 'THANK YOU FOR SIX MONTHS OF WEDDING BLISS', A DOZEN PEOPLE JUMPS UP A SCREAM.
ALL
Surprise!
REBECCA
(SCREAMS) Oh my God!
DON ENTERS AS REBECCA PUTS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH.
DON I was planning this after work everyday, Rebecers!
REBECCA (GENTLY TAPS HIM) I knew that, silly!
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE K.
EXT. CHEERS - NIGHT.
INT. CHEERS - NIGHT.
Frasier is behind the bar. Carla is serving. Sam is there, Paul is also there.
FRASIER
(TO SAM) A shot of tequila, two draughts, three bowls of pretzels, one margarita, and one scotch on the rocks, now Sam, if you don't understand, maybe I'll have to tell you slower ... or do I have to write it on a woman?
SAM
Frase, calm down. Your taking this bartending gig a little bit too seriously.
(SFX: PHONE RINGS)
CARLA
(PICKS UP) Cheers. Yeah, I'll tell him, by the way ... go to hell. (HANGS UP) Hey, dork.. PAUL
(INTERRUPTS) What?
CARLA
I meant Frasier, you moron. (TO FRASIER) Your late for your session with those depressants. FRASIER Oh yes ... about that..(THINKS) Oh well!
REBECCA ENTERS, SHE GOES AROUND THE BAR.
CARLA
Hey Rebecca, how's your cheating plumbing stud doing, or who's your lying cheating plumbing stud doing?
REBECCA
(TAKES A TOWEL) He wasn't doing anyone Carla! He was arranging a surprise six month anniversary party for me. (SAM LAUGHS) Excuse me, you think that's funny? Huh?
SAM
(CHUCKLES) Well ... yeah. You made a total fool of yourself.
REBECCA
I know!
SAM
Okay, I'm sorry. (SMILES)
REBECCA Why are you smiling?
SAM
I'm just thinking about how bad you have to put out tonight.
FRASIER
Sam! What is so hard about tequila, (MORE) FRASIER (CONT'D) two draughts, some pretzels, a margarita, and a scotch!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE L.
EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT.
INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM - NIGHT.
We see Norm, Cliff and Woody. Norm and Cliff are sitting down with their dunkin' donuts boxes while Woody walks back and forth.
WOODY You think she gave birth yet?
CLIFF
Nah, Woody. Proven fact that its rare to give birth within an hour.
NORM
(EATING DONUTS) Donut?
WOODY
(SHRUGS) Sure Mr. Peterson. (SITS DOWN) I wonder how being a father will change me. I mean, will I have less worries? Will I have more worries? Will I still be able to watch my home videos of Hanover at night? Will I still have time to protest in front of cable network's building to try to get them to finally have a couple documentaries about Hanover? How will this change me?
NORM
Well I've never been a father, Wood. (THEN) You've seen Vera, right? (TAPS WOODY ON BACK) Good luck, Woody.
CLIFF
As a Clavin, I have the privilege to know the feeling of fatherhood.
NORM
(CHUCKLES) What are you talking about, Cliffy? You were never a father. I don't even think you have ... (CHUCKLES) You know, done the deed.
WOODY
(SMILES) Mr. Peterson, your a dirty little one!
CLIFF
Eh, no ... yeah, as a Clavin, I am privileged with a number of young kids looking up to me, so I know the feeling.
NORM Cliffy?
CLIFF
Yes Normie?
NORM Cliff. Your a mailman. The only things that look up to you is dogs. And that's only because they want to rip your face off.
WOODY
(LOOKS TO SKY) In a few hours, I'll be a father. (SMILES)
CLIFF
Yup, nothing more important to you in the world now there, huh?
WOODY
Yeah, yeah ... (LOOKS AT DONUTS) Is that Jelly?
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE M.
INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM - LATER.
Norm, Cliff, and Woody are in the waiting room, a nurse walks up to Woody.
NURSE Mr. Boyd?
WOODY
(LOOKS UP) Yes?
NURSE
It's time.
WOODY JUMPS UP.
WOODY This reminds me of the time in Hanover when...
NORM
(INTERRUPTS) Woody? (POINTS TO WATCH)
WOODY
Right!
WOODY RUNS DOWN THE HALL.
TRIPLE DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE N.
EXT. BOSTON SKYLINE - NIGHT.
EXT. CHEERS - MEANWHILE.
INT. CHEERS - MEANWHILE.
We join Cheers. Carla, Sam, and Frasier are there. Frasier (with a cloth towel on his shoulder) and Sam are doing their thing and so is Carla. Paul is sitting at the table with Alan.
PAUL
So you think Kelly gave birth yet?
ALAN
No way, it's too early.
PAUL
Want to make a bet on that?
ALAN
Why? Do you know anything?
PAUL
No. Do you know anything?
ALAN No.
PAUL No.
FRASIER
(SILENCE) This has got to be the dullest conversation I have ever seen!
ALAN What?
FRASIER
Look at you two! You talk about nothing, watch television, and just sit there!
PAUL Jeez Frasier, I never knew you felt that way. Knowing while I sit here with my friends, everyone taunts me. Maybe I'm not welcome in this bar anymore.
CARLA
You were never welcomed in this bar. That's why I make fun of you all the time. You just got that through after six years?
FRASIER
Paul, the reason your not welcome here isn't what Carla said, it's because you won't order anything, damn it! (MORE) FRASIER (CONT'D) (POUNDS FIST ON BAR) Now you order something or you walk out that door! (POINTS TO DOOR)
PAUL
That's it? Give me a beer.
FRASIER
That's all I wanted.
SAM
(LOOKS AT WATCH) Uh, Frase?
FRASIER
Yep, Sam?
SAM
Your times up. I'm sorry, I know you had fun, you got to leave.
FRASIER
What? But that's no fun!
SAM
Sorry, I'm not paying you for the past (LOOKS AT WATCH) Thirteen seconds.
FRASIER
(THROWS CLOTH) Oh damn! I knew I should have been a bartender! (LEAVES) What was I thinking? Psychiatry? Helping people, I hate helping people, I like serving up drinks. (TO ALL) It will rain hail the next time you see Frasier Crane in this sty again!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE O.
EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT.
INT. HOSPITAL - KELLY'S ROOM - NIGHT.
We see Kelly's room. She is sitting on the bed with a two babies in her arms, Woody is near her and looking at them.
WOODY
They're so beautiful. And they're so small.
KELLY
Yes, Woody. They're awfully small. (SNIFFS) And they smell great.
WOODY Yeah, I think your right. (SNIFFS) I think it's hay! (THEN) Can I hold one?
KELLY
Sure, Woody. (GIVES ONE OVER)
WOODY
Wow, this one smells great too. (SNIFFS AGAIN) Not anymore!
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO.
FADE IN:
TAG ONE.
EXT. CHEERS - LATE NIGHT.
INT. CHEERS - LATE NIGHT.
It's late night. It is raining. Only Sam and Carla are there. Frasier enters, he is wet and mad. He puts his coat on the rack.
FRASIER Okay. It is raining hail, I think it's time for Frasier Crane to step back into Cheers.
SAM
Frase, it's not hailing.
FRASIER
It isn't? Then what the hell hit me in the head three blocks down?
SAM
I don't know. So Frase, what's your order?
FRASIER SITS DOWN ON THE BAR.
FRASIER
Beer. (GETS THE BEER, SIPS) So what has happened in the past two hours?
SAM
Nothing. Paul and Alan went on and on.
CARLA So what are you doing here this late, Mr. I-Wish-I-Had-A- Hairline?
FRASIER
It's Lilith. Sometimes she gets me so mad.
SAM
What did she do now?
CARLA
Did she eat another rat?
FRASIER
She wanted pizza. I go home at midnight and that's all she wants. Pizza. She didn't even say hi.
SAM
So no pizza for her?
FRASIER
Oh, she'll get it. But not after I spend time here!
NORM ENTERS.
ALL
Norm!
SAM What's going on, Norm?
NORM Shut up Sam, you know what I want. (SITS)
SAM
A beer? Sorry, past closing time.
NORM
Oh, I don't think so. I just sat in a waiting room with Cliff, for six hours. We talked about how they make cheese. Then we got some donuts, I was excited. He ruined that because he went on about how they put the jelly in the donut. And since when don't they serve beer at hospitals? There should be beer there, I mean, a woman gives birth, she's a little groggy, she needs beer! Speaking of beer, Sam. (SAM GIVES HIM, HE DRINKS IT) The highlight of my day, hell, the highlight of my life. (FRASIER BEGINS TO EXIT)
SAM
Oh, ho ... Frase? Where you going? You didn't finish your drink.
FRASIER
No thanks Sam, I think I've just realized my calling.
SAM
And what's that?
FRASIER
Well I realized that Lilith would most likely maul me if I didn't come back immediately. Also, I've noticed Norm's immaturity and just don't want to resemble him. (EXITS)
NORM
Y'know, I can't blame the guy.
FADE OUT.
"Times Change, Bar Patrons Don't"
PROJECTED AIRDATE: September 16th, 1993.
Sam Malone........................................TED DANSON Rebecca Howe...................................KIRSTIE ALLEY
Carla Tortelli..................................RHEA PERLMAN Woody Boyd...................................WOODY HARRELSON
Frasier Crane.................................KELSEY GRAMMER
Cliff Clavin...............................JOHN RATZENBERGER Norm Peterson...................................GEORGE WENDT
EPISODE 276.
SEASON 12, EPISODE 01.
This is my twelfth season of "Cheers". The series ran from 1982 to 1993, it ended because Ted Danson did not want to do it anymore, well I am writing a twelfth season, it starts six months after the series finale where Sam and Diane go to get married, but don't. Here are the storylines-- Kelly is nine months pregnant, Sam is still in his sex addicts anonymous classes, Woody is still Boston Congressman and Norm still has his accounting job. Rebecca and Don are "happily" married for six months, so is Frasier and Lilith. Frasier is still at Cheers, even after the finale, whereas in the storylines, he divorces Lilith and moves to Seattle and that's how "Frasier" starts. I have edited and edited this teleplay to make it seem like a real "Cheers" script. I hope you enjoy! The episode is called "Times Change, Bar Patrons Don't". All the cast members from the eleventh season are there, Ted Danson, Woody Harrelson, Kirstie Alley, John Ratzenberger, George Wendt, Rhea Perlman, and Kelsey Grammer. Nicholas Colasanto and Shelley Long are not in this season, nor is Bebe Neuwirth, although she will make various appearances through the season, so will recurring characters played by Paul Willson and Jackie Swanson. "Cheers" ended eleven years after the premiere, and amazingly was still in its prime, hopefully this scripts I like to call "lost" are in the prime too. I have made this unlike a fanfic, I have wrote it in real script format, like the kind the writers in Hollywood do. The head writers of this series are some of my favorite writers, they Glen Charles, Les Charles, Phoef Sutton, David Angell, and Heide Perlman. I hope I can rate near them in the future, but for now ... You are about to enter Cheers euphoria... DESCRIPTION: Rebecca has worries that Don is cheating on her with a client. Woody anticipates Kelly's labor, when she finally does go into labor, Norm and Cliff go with him to the hospital, which leaves Cheers understaffed, so Frasier volunteers to tend the bar, and Norm-less, which means a lot more beers for the rest of the people.
FADE IN:
TEASER ONE.
EXT. CHEERS - SIGN.
INT. CHEERS - NIGHT.
We visit Cheers at night. Carla, Norm, Cliff, Woody and Frasier are there. Norm is sitting in his regular seat, Cliff is sitting by him, and Carla is in the middle, checking the receipts, and Frasier is sitting in his normal seat, sitting right by the seat where Lilith used to sit. Woody is behind the bar serving up drinks.
CARLA
Do any of you know how Sam is doing? It's been about six months since ... stiff made her return.
NORM Pretty bad ... I just wouldn't try to bring up Diane.
CARLA SCREAMS.
NORM (CONT'D) Sorry, sorry ... don't bring up stiff.
CLIFF
Eh ... yeah, he's feeling pretty lousy.
SAM ENTERS WITH FOUR WOMEN AROUND HIS ARMS.
SAM
Hey guys! (LAUGHS) Come on Tootsie, Roxie, Donna, Sheri ... let's go to bed!
THEY GO INTO HIS OFFICE.
WOODY
Wow, he does look pretty lousy.
NORM
Huh? What did I tell you? Yeah, before he'd have seven women around his arms. Now four, I'm sad to say our Sammy might be toning down on women.
FRASIER
I don't think so.
NORM
Why's that, Frase?
FRASIER
I walked in there earlier to get a pen, and I found another four women there, they told me they were waiting for Sam.
WOODY
(NODS) Times never change.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
ACT ONE, SCENE A.
EXT. CHEERS - MORNING.
INT. CHEERS - MORNING.
We join Cheers the next morning. The set up is the same, except for Paul, who is sitting by Cliff and Norm. Carla is serving drinks and Frasier is there, he is sitting at the left side of the bar.
NORM Wood, a beer there? (SLIDES MUG OVER)
WOODY
(GETS BEER FROM UNDER THE BAR) I'm way ahead of you, Mr. Peterson!
NORM
Great job Wood, I knew you would get the hang of it! (DRINKS)
REBECCA ENTERS, SHE IS MAD. SHE WALKS TOWARDS THE OFFICE.
CLIFF
Hello Rebecca! (STANDS)
REBECCA
Shut up, Cliff! (PUSHES HIM BACK IN HIS SEAT)
CARLA
What's wrong with pig breath?
WOODY
Hey, is that another Hanover crack?
NORM
Rebecca, you a little mad there, huh?
REBECCA
Yes Norm. (GIVES HIM A BEER) Don has been plumbing in the same woman's house everyday.
NORM
Yeah, I hate it when I have a regular job too.
WOODY Speaking of jobs, Mr. Peterson, did you show up to work today?
NORM
Of course. I'm a federal accountant now, I am never off-duty ... which is why I am working overtime at this very moment.
REBECCA
No! I'm worried, what if he is having an affair?
FRASIER
Rebecca, don't be so worried. I'm sure this woman has a rather large plumbing catastrophe.
REBECCA
No she doesn't, Frasier! He's been there from four to six for the past three weeks! How big a plumbing problem could that woman have?
FRASIER
Well that's some damning evidence, isn't it Rebecca?
REBECCA
No guys! I'm really worried, Carla you've been with lots of guys, how do you know when they cheat on you?
CARLA
When they don't sleep with you anymore, that's why I got back ups.
REBECCA
(LOOKS AROUND) Well that's not happened to me...
SAM ENTERS FROM OFFICE AND GOES BEHIND BAR.
SAM Hey guys, what's up?
NORM
Rebecca and Don aren't sleeping together 'cause Don has a major plumbing catastrophe to take care of at some woman's house. Beer, Wood?
WOODY GIVES HIM A BEER.
SAM Major plumbing catastrophe, huh? I've had those before.
CLIFF
Oh ... and Cliff is being a Clavin.
SAM So, Rebec ... not sleeping with Don, huh? Want me to come over tonight ... and let me -- shall I say -- fill the void? Among other things?
REBECCA
Sam, don't joke about things like that, I'm a married woman now ... I am un-catch-able.
SAM So what? I've caught married women before ... lots of them and then I just threw them back.
REBECCA
(SARCASTIC) Oh, you get me so hot.
PAN TO:
Woody at the other end of the bar, he is playing with a beeper.
CLIFF
Eh ... Woody? You bought a beeper, huh? What's it for? To tell the misses your going to be late because old Normie wants more beer? (CHUCKLES)
WOODY
No, I rented it. Kelly is due any minute now and this is a way to know when she goes into labor.
NORM
Wow, it's been nine months, already? Seems like yesterday you broke down in front of all of Boston and found out Kelly was pregnant.
WOODY
Yeah, yeah ... Time sure flies by in the Boyd household, Mr. Peterson.
NORM
I have a little wisdom for you, Woody ... you know what else makes time fly by?
WOODY
A beer, Mr. Peterson?
NORM
Ah, it looks like your the one with the wisdom, Woody!
WOODY GIVES NORM A BEER, PAUL NOTICES THIS.
PAUL (TO NORM) Boy, Norm ... your really putting down those beers, huh?
NORM
Yeah? So?
PAUL So I'm going to have to drink even more to get your stool when you leave.
NORM (CHUCKLES) It will take you a long time to get this stool. Unlike other legends, I won't retire in my prime. I'll retire when I'm a sluggish fat man holding on to my lung for dear life.
CARLA
If that were true you would have retired fourteen years ago.
CLIFF HEARS NORM'S COMMENT, HE STANDS AND GOES AROUND THE BAR TO PAUL AND NORM.
CLIFF
Hey ... Normie, what's this I hear? I thought I'd get your stool after your liver implodes? Yeah, I've known you longer than Paul here has ... I consider myself your best friend, in fact I do know more about Normie than most people, even himself. You see, I've done what seems the important. I've actually calculated when Norm will die. Yeah, that's right ... it's a little known fact that Norm's liver will give up in 2084, you see he'll still be able to live until he gets a new liver, but knowing Normie, he'll cut off life support due to lack of beer.
NORM Wait, 2084? Won't be like a (MORE) NORM (CONT'D) one-hundred-twenty-five by then?
CLIFF
2084 or natural causes.
PAUL Then I guess I need to find a new bar.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE, SCENE B.
EXT. CHEERS - NOON.
INT. CHEERS - NOON.
We revisit Cheers at noon the same day. The scenery is the same, Sam is in his office. Rebecca walks from the pool room across near Frasier, Frasier notices her.
FRASIER
Rebecca! (STANDS UP AND GOES TO HER AND SITS NEXT TO HIM) Are you still worried about the whole Don fiasco?
REBECCA
No. (CRIES) Just because my husband is cheating on me is no reason to be worried! I just have a failed marriage!
FRASIER
Rebecca, quit whining. Don is a loyal man, he would not cheat on you. This whole paranoia has got to stop! The whole paranoia phase is just a flake of (MORE) FRASIER (CONT'D) your psyche. Nothing is going on!
REBECCA
Yeah, right! I am listening to a man whose wife slept with another man, and took her back like the big old softie he is.
FRASIER
(MAD, STANDS) Damn you Rebecca!
FRASIER GOES BACK TO HIS SEAT AND CARLA WALKS OVER TO REBECCA CRYING.
CARLA
Here, wash up. (THROWS BEER IN HER FACE)
PAN TO:
Other side of bar, Cliff and Norm are playing with Woody's beeper. It begins beeping.
WOODY
Is that Kelly? Is she going into labor?
CLIFF
Yeah! Yeah! Run Woody!
WOODY
Oh my God! (RUNS OUT OF BAR) I'm coming Kelly!
NORM
(TO CLIFF) He's so gullible!
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE, SCENE C.
EXT. CHEERS - AFTERNOON.
INT. CHEERS - AFTERNOON.
All are there. Rebecca is in the pool room. Sam is in his office. Norm and Cliff are still playing with the beeper, it begins beeping again.
WOODY
No, I won't fall for it this time!
REBECCA ENTERS FROM POOL ROOM.
CARLA
What's with the confident look, lard butt?
REBECCA I am going to confront Don.
WOODY
Well good for you, Ms. Howe!
CLIFF
Eh ... yeah, Rebecca? Your confronting him? What are you going to do, get a spy? Or wire him?
REBECCA
Cliff, I'm not in the FBI. I'm just going to sit him down calmly, put my left hand on his hand, and ask him if he is or he is not cheating on me, while gently (MORE) REBECCA (CONT'D) griping the kitchen knife on my right hand, which will be hid under the table.
FRASIER
Uh, Rebecca ... when are you going to confront him?
REBECCA
I told him to come here, I am going to confront him here, at Cheers. My elmomotor.
FRASIER
You do know you will be made a fool of in front of your peers?
PAN TO:
Woody and Norm. Woody is smiling as Norm looks at him.
NORM
Hey Woody, why are you so happy? (GASPS) New bar taps?
WOODY
No, no Mr. Peterson. I'm just thinking. To wonder, Woodrow Tiberius Boyd and Kelly Susan Gaines Boyd enter parenthood. Today is her due date. I'm so excited. To think any minute now that beeper can beep. The mystery. Will my twins have fingers and toes ... how about eyes?
NORM
Somewhere in the world, millions of child care professionals know that they (MORE) NORM (CONT'D) will never be ready for sabotage you two will embark upon. Hell, I'm just happy it's not me and Vera. Hell, I'm just happy it's not Vera.
CLIFF
Hey, Wood. Ever thought of the possibly that your offspring may be are Siamese twins? It's a little known fact that two blondes have the biggest ratio odds of birthing Siamese twins. Eh, yeah, the blond gene.
CARLA
Shut up, Clavin.
FRASIER (TAKES A BEER AND DRINKS, HE SAYS UNDER HIS BREATH) That's a lie.
CLIFF
(HEARS FRASIER) What did you say there, Frase?
FRASIER
Nothing.
CLIFF
Eh no, I heard you say something.
FRASIER
I said your full of crap!
DON ENTERS AND SEES REBECCA SITTING AT THE TABLE.
DON Hi, Rebecers ... you wanted to see me?
REBECCA
Yes, Don ... I wanted to see you, oh dear husband...
DON
What do you want to talk about?
REBECCA
Oh, I think we should go into the office.
REBECCA AND DON WALK INTO SAM'S OFFICE, WE HEAR THEM TALK.
SAM Hey Rebec, want to take me up on that offer?
REBECCA
Sam, get out.
SAM COMES INTO THE BAR, HE SEES A WOMAN PASS BY AND BEGINS TO FOLLOW HER.
SAM
Whoa ...
FRASIER PULLS SAM BY THE SHIRT AND SITS HIM DOWN AS THE WOMAN WALKS OUT.
FRASIER
Sam, did you forget about your little sex class? Trim down.
SAM
(LAUGHS) You know that's impossible. I'm Sammy.
FRASIER
The rules for your class are only one session of sex a week, with those four woman you (QUOTE) had (UNQUOTE) last night, you -- shall I say -- are maxxed out for the month of September.
SAM
Your right, your right. I've been doing great lately and shouldn't do it, and you shouldn't have too much a good thing, right?
FRASIER
Right.
SAM
I'm glad you agree with me, now let's talk about your tab ...
FRASIER
(SMILES) What tab?
SAM TURNS AROUND AND WALKS TOWARD THE POOL ROOM, HE PASSES BY NORM, WHO GIVES HIM A DIRTY LOOK.
NORM
Don't look at me!
CUT TO:
ACT ONE, SCENE D.
INT. SAM'S OFFICE - MEANWHILE.
We see Rebecca and Don in Sam's office. Rebecca is standing up, walking back and forth. Don is sitting on the couch looking up at her.
DON So Rebecers, what's this about? I have to get going, I have a plumbing appointment.
REBECCA Oh I bet you do. I know what you've been doing from four to six!
DON Fixing drains?
REBECCA
No ... your client!
DON What are you talking about?
REBECCA
Don't look at me like that, you know what I'm talking about! Oh faithful husband!
CUT TO:
ACT ONE, SCENE E.
INT. CHEERS - MEANWHILE.
We see Woody meanwhile in the bar area, his beeper starts beeping, he takes it out of his pocket and looks at it.
WOODY
Oh my God! It's time! It's time! Mr. Peterson, Mr. Clavin! Let's go!
WOODY JUMPS OVER THE BAR COUNTER AND RUNS OUT, CLIFF AND NORM FOLLOWS, CLIFF RUNS OUT THE DOOR AND NORM STOPS AT THE END OF THE BAR AND LOOKS TO SAM.
NORM
Sam, beer to go please?
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE.
FADE IN:
ACT TWO, SCENE F.
EXT. BOSTON HOSPITAL - DAY.
INT. BOSTON HOSPITAL - DAY.
We see the interior of BOSTON HOSPITAL, Norm, Cliff, and Woody come running into the waiting area, a whole bunch of seats are there and a counter, where a nurse is. They run over to the desk. Norm falls onto the counter, out of breath.
WOODY
(OUT OF BREATH) Kelly ... Susan. Gaines ... Boyd.
CLERK (CHECKS COMPUTER) We don't have a Kelly Susan Gaines Boyd, but we do have a Kelly Boyd. She is in room 216.
WOODY
Listen lady, I don't care if a person has the same name as my wife, I want to know where she is.
CLIFF
(TO WOODY) Eh, Woody, that's her.
WOODY Oh, thanks. (SMILES) It's time!
THE THREE GO DOWN THE HALL, THE CLERK STOPS THEM.
CLERK
Excuse me! Only the father can see her.
NORM
Go Wood!
CLIFF
Yeah, good luck!
WOODY
(TEARS) I'm going to be a daddy!
WOODY HUGS CLIFF AND NORM.
NORM
Woody, go, it's time.
WOODY RUNS INTO THE ROOM. NORM AND CLIFF JUST STAND THERE, THEY ARE BORED.
CLIFF
So ...
NORM Yeah. (PAUSE) You think they got beer in this place?
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE G.
EXT. CHEERS - EVENING.
INT. CHEERS - EVENING.
We Cheers at evening. Sam, Frasier, Paul and Carla are there. Sam is behind the bar, serving up drinks. Frasier is just sitting in his seat, so is Paul. Carla is waiting on customers. There's a crowd in the bar, because they are understaffed. A man named Robert walks up to the bar and talks to Sam.
ROBERT
Excuse me, I think I ordered a margarita ... (LOOKS AT WATCH) twenty minutes ago.
PAUL I ordered a draught before you.
FRASIER
Sam ... I ordered a wine spritzer before all of these imbeciles.
SAM
Sorry people, were just understaffed without Woody. (THEN) Say Frase, could you help us out behind the bar?
FRASIER
Uh, I wasn't really too thirsty, but I'm sure Paul is up for the job.
SAM
Nah, come on man, we're understaffed.
FRASIER
Sam, my life is understaffed. (PAUSE) Tips?
SAM
Yeah.
FRASIER
I'd love to! (GOES BEHIND BAR) Paul, your draught is coming right up! (POURS IT AND GIVES IT TO PAUL)
REBECCA ENTERS FROM THE POOL ROOM.
REBECCA
Hey guys. (REALIZES NORM ISN'T THERE) Hey, can I ask a question, where's Norm? I've always wondered if there was really a barstool there or not.
SAM
He left.
REBECCA
Did we run out of beer? (LOOKS AT HIS SEAT) So this is his stool, long time no see. (GOES AROUND THE BAR) Where'd he go?
SAM
Kelly went into labor. (EAT PEANUTS)
REBECCA
Oh, that's great!
PAUL LOOKS OVER TO NORM'S STOOL, HE GETS UP TO GET A CLOSER LOOK.
PAUL
So this is Norm's stool, huh? I think I'll substitute for him. (SITS) Yeah, this is comfortable. And it's really warm. Hasn't he been gone for about an hour?
SAM
Yeah, he has.
PAUL
Wow, he must have some sort of superpower.
CARLA
Well after all those years sitting down, he had to learn some talents.
PAUL This is real comfortable. Wow.
WE HEAR NORM'S VOICE.
NORM (VOICE) Get up, get up!
PAUL SCREAMS AND GETS UP, CARLA LOOKS AT PAUL AND TAKES A TAPE PLAYER FROM UNDER THE BAR AND THROWS IT TO PAUL.
CARLA
It's just a tape recorder, you moron!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE H.
EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT.
INT. KELLY'S HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT.
We see the hospital room Kelly is in. We hear Woody screaming her name down the halls, he runs by the room and runs back and runs in.
WOODY
Kelly!
KELLY (SMILES) Hi Woody!
WOODY Where are the babies?
KELLY
In my tummy, silly!
WOODY How did you get here, you drove from home?
KELLY No, a nice man in a yellow cab drove me over here. But then he wasn't so nice, he had the nerve to charge me twenty-five dollars and twenty-six cents. Where do you expect a pregnant wealthy woman to have that sort of money?
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE I.
INT. THE WAITING ROOM IN THE HOSPITAL - MEANWHILE.
We see Norm and Cliff sitting down in the waiting room, they have a big box of DUNKIN' DONUTS in their laps and they are eating quickly. They have powder and jelly all over there faces.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE J.
EXT. CHEERS - MEANWHILE.
INT. CHEERS - MEANWHILE.
We revisit Cheers. Paul is sitting in his seat, while Sam and Frasier are behind the bar. Carla is waiting on customers. Frasier is in the middle of a joke.
FRASIER
(LAUGHS) And the patient says that he thinks about killing himself, so I tell him to live it up! (NO ONE LAUGHS) Hey, who ordered a shot of tequila?
THE PHONE RINGS, SAM PICKS IT UP. IT IS NORM. WE SEE A SPLIT SCREEN.
SAM
Cheers!
NORM I think your mistake, don't you mean the Peterson residence?
SAM
(CHUCKLES) Norm! What's up?
NORM
Not Kelly's legs, those darn babies still in there.
SAM
She's still in labor, huh? How many centimeters is she dilated?
NORM
Who cares? Can you do me a favor? Take an empty mug (SAM DOES) and pour some beer in it and then put the phone up against the tap, huh?
SAM DOES WHAT NORM TELLS HIM TOO, NORM MOANS.
SAM
See ya Norm. (HANGS UP)
PAUL
Hey Frase, can I get a scotch? (FRASIER GIVES HIM SCOTCH)
CARLA
Hey, can I get that first? (TAKES THE SCOTCH, DRINKS IT AND SPITS IT ON PAUL'S HEAD, SHE LAUGHS) His bald spot acts like a saucer!
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE J.
INT. REBECCA'S HOME - MEANWHILE.
We see Rebecca's house. She walks in and opens the light.
REBECCA
Don!
DON ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.
DON Rebecers!
REBECCA Don't Rebecer me, you little lying, cheating, scoundrel of a husband!
DON
I can explain, Rebecers!
REBECCA
Sure you can! (SHE WALKS TO THE KITCHEN DOOR)
DON
Where are you going?
REBECCA
Where do you think I'm going? I'm going into the kitchen to get a gallon of(MORE) REBECCA (CONT'D) ice cream. Where are you going? To cheat on me with your client!
DON Er, we don't have any more ice cream. Not since last night, remember? You watched old yeller again.
REBECCA WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT, THERE IS A BANNER THERE THAT SAYS 'THANK YOU FOR SIX MONTHS OF WEDDING BLISS', A DOZEN PEOPLE JUMPS UP A SCREAM.
ALL
Surprise!
REBECCA
(SCREAMS) Oh my God!
DON ENTERS AS REBECCA PUTS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH.
DON I was planning this after work everyday, Rebecers!
REBECCA (GENTLY TAPS HIM) I knew that, silly!
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE K.
EXT. CHEERS - NIGHT.
INT. CHEERS - NIGHT.
Frasier is behind the bar. Carla is serving. Sam is there, Paul is also there.
FRASIER
(TO SAM) A shot of tequila, two draughts, three bowls of pretzels, one margarita, and one scotch on the rocks, now Sam, if you don't understand, maybe I'll have to tell you slower ... or do I have to write it on a woman?
SAM
Frase, calm down. Your taking this bartending gig a little bit too seriously.
(SFX: PHONE RINGS)
CARLA
(PICKS UP) Cheers. Yeah, I'll tell him, by the way ... go to hell. (HANGS UP) Hey, dork.. PAUL
(INTERRUPTS) What?
CARLA
I meant Frasier, you moron. (TO FRASIER) Your late for your session with those depressants. FRASIER Oh yes ... about that..(THINKS) Oh well!
REBECCA ENTERS, SHE GOES AROUND THE BAR.
CARLA
Hey Rebecca, how's your cheating plumbing stud doing, or who's your lying cheating plumbing stud doing?
REBECCA
(TAKES A TOWEL) He wasn't doing anyone Carla! He was arranging a surprise six month anniversary party for me. (SAM LAUGHS) Excuse me, you think that's funny? Huh?
SAM
(CHUCKLES) Well ... yeah. You made a total fool of yourself.
REBECCA
I know!
SAM
Okay, I'm sorry. (SMILES)
REBECCA Why are you smiling?
SAM
I'm just thinking about how bad you have to put out tonight.
FRASIER
Sam! What is so hard about tequila, (MORE) FRASIER (CONT'D) two draughts, some pretzels, a margarita, and a scotch!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE L.
EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT.
INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM - NIGHT.
We see Norm, Cliff and Woody. Norm and Cliff are sitting down with their dunkin' donuts boxes while Woody walks back and forth.
WOODY You think she gave birth yet?
CLIFF
Nah, Woody. Proven fact that its rare to give birth within an hour.
NORM
(EATING DONUTS) Donut?
WOODY
(SHRUGS) Sure Mr. Peterson. (SITS DOWN) I wonder how being a father will change me. I mean, will I have less worries? Will I have more worries? Will I still be able to watch my home videos of Hanover at night? Will I still have time to protest in front of cable network's building to try to get them to finally have a couple documentaries about Hanover? How will this change me?
NORM
Well I've never been a father, Wood. (THEN) You've seen Vera, right? (TAPS WOODY ON BACK) Good luck, Woody.
CLIFF
As a Clavin, I have the privilege to know the feeling of fatherhood.
NORM
(CHUCKLES) What are you talking about, Cliffy? You were never a father. I don't even think you have ... (CHUCKLES) You know, done the deed.
WOODY
(SMILES) Mr. Peterson, your a dirty little one!
CLIFF
Eh, no ... yeah, as a Clavin, I am privileged with a number of young kids looking up to me, so I know the feeling.
NORM Cliffy?
CLIFF
Yes Normie?
NORM Cliff. Your a mailman. The only things that look up to you is dogs. And that's only because they want to rip your face off.
WOODY
(LOOKS TO SKY) In a few hours, I'll be a father. (SMILES)
CLIFF
Yup, nothing more important to you in the world now there, huh?
WOODY
Yeah, yeah ... (LOOKS AT DONUTS) Is that Jelly?
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE M.
INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM - LATER.
Norm, Cliff, and Woody are in the waiting room, a nurse walks up to Woody.
NURSE Mr. Boyd?
WOODY
(LOOKS UP) Yes?
NURSE
It's time.
WOODY JUMPS UP.
WOODY This reminds me of the time in Hanover when...
NORM
(INTERRUPTS) Woody? (POINTS TO WATCH)
WOODY
Right!
WOODY RUNS DOWN THE HALL.
TRIPLE DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE N.
EXT. BOSTON SKYLINE - NIGHT.
EXT. CHEERS - MEANWHILE.
INT. CHEERS - MEANWHILE.
We join Cheers. Carla, Sam, and Frasier are there. Frasier (with a cloth towel on his shoulder) and Sam are doing their thing and so is Carla. Paul is sitting at the table with Alan.
PAUL
So you think Kelly gave birth yet?
ALAN
No way, it's too early.
PAUL
Want to make a bet on that?
ALAN
Why? Do you know anything?
PAUL
No. Do you know anything?
ALAN No.
PAUL No.
FRASIER
(SILENCE) This has got to be the dullest conversation I have ever seen!
ALAN What?
FRASIER
Look at you two! You talk about nothing, watch television, and just sit there!
PAUL Jeez Frasier, I never knew you felt that way. Knowing while I sit here with my friends, everyone taunts me. Maybe I'm not welcome in this bar anymore.
CARLA
You were never welcomed in this bar. That's why I make fun of you all the time. You just got that through after six years?
FRASIER
Paul, the reason your not welcome here isn't what Carla said, it's because you won't order anything, damn it! (MORE) FRASIER (CONT'D) (POUNDS FIST ON BAR) Now you order something or you walk out that door! (POINTS TO DOOR)
PAUL
That's it? Give me a beer.
FRASIER
That's all I wanted.
SAM
(LOOKS AT WATCH) Uh, Frase?
FRASIER
Yep, Sam?
SAM
Your times up. I'm sorry, I know you had fun, you got to leave.
FRASIER
What? But that's no fun!
SAM
Sorry, I'm not paying you for the past (LOOKS AT WATCH) Thirteen seconds.
FRASIER
(THROWS CLOTH) Oh damn! I knew I should have been a bartender! (LEAVES) What was I thinking? Psychiatry? Helping people, I hate helping people, I like serving up drinks. (TO ALL) It will rain hail the next time you see Frasier Crane in this sty again!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO, SCENE O.
EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT.
INT. HOSPITAL - KELLY'S ROOM - NIGHT.
We see Kelly's room. She is sitting on the bed with a two babies in her arms, Woody is near her and looking at them.
WOODY
They're so beautiful. And they're so small.
KELLY
Yes, Woody. They're awfully small. (SNIFFS) And they smell great.
WOODY Yeah, I think your right. (SNIFFS) I think it's hay! (THEN) Can I hold one?
KELLY
Sure, Woody. (GIVES ONE OVER)
WOODY
Wow, this one smells great too. (SNIFFS AGAIN) Not anymore!
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO.
FADE IN:
TAG ONE.
EXT. CHEERS - LATE NIGHT.
INT. CHEERS - LATE NIGHT.
It's late night. It is raining. Only Sam and Carla are there. Frasier enters, he is wet and mad. He puts his coat on the rack.
FRASIER Okay. It is raining hail, I think it's time for Frasier Crane to step back into Cheers.
SAM
Frase, it's not hailing.
FRASIER
It isn't? Then what the hell hit me in the head three blocks down?
SAM
I don't know. So Frase, what's your order?
FRASIER SITS DOWN ON THE BAR.
FRASIER
Beer. (GETS THE BEER, SIPS) So what has happened in the past two hours?
SAM
Nothing. Paul and Alan went on and on.
CARLA So what are you doing here this late, Mr. I-Wish-I-Had-A- Hairline?
FRASIER
It's Lilith. Sometimes she gets me so mad.
SAM
What did she do now?
CARLA
Did she eat another rat?
FRASIER
She wanted pizza. I go home at midnight and that's all she wants. Pizza. She didn't even say hi.
SAM
So no pizza for her?
FRASIER
Oh, she'll get it. But not after I spend time here!
NORM ENTERS.
ALL
Norm!
SAM What's going on, Norm?
NORM Shut up Sam, you know what I want. (SITS)
SAM
A beer? Sorry, past closing time.
NORM
Oh, I don't think so. I just sat in a waiting room with Cliff, for six hours. We talked about how they make cheese. Then we got some donuts, I was excited. He ruined that because he went on about how they put the jelly in the donut. And since when don't they serve beer at hospitals? There should be beer there, I mean, a woman gives birth, she's a little groggy, she needs beer! Speaking of beer, Sam. (SAM GIVES HIM, HE DRINKS IT) The highlight of my day, hell, the highlight of my life. (FRASIER BEGINS TO EXIT)
SAM
Oh, ho ... Frase? Where you going? You didn't finish your drink.
FRASIER
No thanks Sam, I think I've just realized my calling.
SAM
And what's that?
FRASIER
Well I realized that Lilith would most likely maul me if I didn't come back immediately. Also, I've noticed Norm's immaturity and just don't want to resemble him. (EXITS)
NORM
Y'know, I can't blame the guy.
FADE OUT.