How you remind me
When Sebastian tried to put the peices together on how this happened, on how it had become more than 'i help him, i get his soul.' it gave him a headache, no not just a headache, it was like the chinese water torture, a constant nag that had become so bad it was a physical poke, no, a punch in the gut, every moment of everyday, it took him 5 months to figure it out.
Ciel was just like him.
yes, that was it, it had taken him almost half a year to figure it out, but that was definatly it, Ciel was unforgiving, heartless, un-caring and undeniably cruel, he wouldn't ever admit he had a childish side, even though everyone knew it, he loved games, he loved sweets, and he longed to have his family back more than anything...Ciel was the first master who he'd ever been able to think of as anything more than a weakling, to him, all of them were weak, useless, he hadn't wanted to save their lives, but he had to, if he wanted their soul for his own. but when it came down to it, he wasn't sure owning Ciels soul was worth this, such a beautiful thing, he'd been through so much death and despair, so much pain. Every angel in heaven had turned their back to him, and god had spat in his face. just like him.
Could Sebastian really do this to him? to someone who he connected to? wasn't that what he wanted? someone who could feel the extent of his pain? his horrid guilt? wasn't that person Ciel? ugh...it was driving him mad! he couldn't take it anymore! he couldn't deal with this! everytime he thought of Ciel getting hurt, of him dying, even by his hand, he had the urge to sheild him, but the thought that came to his mind each time was not 'for the contract.' but instead it was 'I can't let him get hurt.' What was wrong with him!
"young master? are you awake?" "yes, Sebastian, i was about to call for you..." "then i have good timing..." the butler smiled, he could not see Ciels' face, as his back was to him in the bed "when do you not?" Sebastian chased away the thoughts that clouded his mind when this question was asked 'the day you'll need me and i fail to be there, that will be when' 'shoo, go away, i don't want to think about this right this moment, the young master requires my-' "sebastian, are you listening?" Sebastian blinked "i'm sorry, young master, i'm afraid my mind is fleeting today..." Ciel frowned "is it possible for Demons to fall ill? if so perhaps you should be resting...""no, young master, i'm simply distracted...that's all." "alright, i wanted to call you and ask you...to stay here tonight..." "of course, my pleasure, young master..." "you came before i called, what did you want?" "to ask a question of you..." Ciel blinked, waiting...
"well?" "What do you plan to do...after the revenge?" Ciel stared as if the demon had grown three heads (not that Ciel would be surprised if he could...) "i plan to give myself to you...wasn't that the deal?" Sebastian mentally slapped himself, as if he could have taken that in any more a wrong way? The demon cleared his throat "yes, but...if you could do...anything else...what?" Ciel narrowed his eyes, almost angrily, "what do you mean, Sebastian? don't ask useless questions! and keep your mind where it belongs- out of mine! you're dissmissed." "no, young master-" "i said go away." "you said you're dissmissed and i do not wish to leave yet, i have much that needs to be disscussed." "you shouldn't argue with me, Sebastian, i'm not in the mood. now you're just pissing me off." Ciel met Sebastians eyes "listen to me. answer my question. what would you do?" Ciel looked angry, frustrated, as if on the verge of tears, he turned away
"i do not know why you feel that i've probed your thoughts, but i swear to you, Ciel, i would never do such a thing without your consent..." "you...you called me Ciel..." "that's your name. i believe it called for to speak about...this..." "yes...i understand..." Ciel sat up, staring at the wall over Sebastians tall shoulder "please...what would you do?" "what could i do? i wouldn't have you, no doubt my manor would be a wreck...i couldn't do anything without you...i would no longer meet the requirements of the queens watchdog, and i'd have to marry Elizebeth...i'd be normal...no...no, i wouldn't, i'd never be able to wipe the underworld away from me, i'd never be able to wipe you away from me..." "Ciel, i have another inquiry...what if you...this is a ridiculous question...what if you could stay with me...or i could stay here, with you, after all this is over...i don't...i don't know how to say it...-" "Sebastian, this isn't attractive for you, someone like you shouldn't stutter, whatever it is, it's something big, so tell me." "i don't...want to leave you..." he did a double take and rephrased that "i don't want to leave your presence." he looked over that in his head, yes, that was so much better (-_-' not really, that was sarcasm)
"you don't...want to leave me?" "no...i don't..." Ciel recalled a frequent conversation that they had, and each time it was the same...
"Sebastian, can demons feel?" "yes, young master, we are not the heartless beasts many think us to be." each time they had this conversation, this was the part where Ciel frowned "yet you steal souls for a living..." "i buy them, that, my young lord, is the proper term." Ciel would roll his eyes, "so you feel...have you ever been in love?" Sebastian would smirk "yes, my lord." "who was she?" this would cause Sebastian to chuckle for some un-beknownst reason to Ciel, Sebastian would put his finger over his lips, and wink "that, my lord is a secret." Ciel would fume silently for a while over the fact that there was something Sebastian just wouldn't tell him, but all together he remained curious and each time he brought it up, Sebastian skillfully avoided the question.
"will you tell me who she is now? please?" Sebastian placed his finger over his lips, "that, my lord, will remain a secret..." Ciel sighed, sounding like a weary old man, who's seen to much, lived too long... "is she...alive now? is she like you?" Sebastian chuckled "hopefully, one day 'she' will be. that's 'her' desision, and 'she' hasn't made it yet." Ciel frowned, getting the feeling there was something he was missing...
'ah...young master, at times i'm glad you aren't just like me...'she' doesn't deserve to lose that clueless innocence to the darkness as i did long ago. i'm glad you're so adorable, it will make eternity much easier to bear...'
and still, years later, Ciel still has to ask who 'she' is.