Set somewhere in the midst of s9.

No spoilers for anything in s9.

Ruth is sent to Tring for a session with the resident psych.

Ruth was distracted, analysing her surroundings. She thought the colour of the walls was probably intentional. Green was associated with peace, growth … calm. No, there was no probably about it. It was definitely intentional.

She wasn't there by choice, although she didn't feel completely opposed to the idea. She was frankly surprised it had taken this long for the Service to insist on some kind of counselling. It had been suggested when she first returned to MI5: they offered, she declined, and they didn't push the point. Ruth thought the unusual circumstances may have had something to do with it. After all, it wasn't everyday the Service had to cope with an officer who had faked her own death, then miraculously returned to the fold. Goodness knows what strings Harry had pulled to give Ruth her life back, and she was fairly certain he was the one who made sure no one had insisted on Tring back then, but she preferred not to think too much about it.

"Ruth?"

Dr Lawson's voice brought Ruth back to the present, and she turned her attention to the woman sitting opposite her. "Yes?"

"What is it you want, Ruth?"

"What do I want?" Her nose wrinkled a little in confusion.

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"What is it that you're searching for? What makes you want to get up each day? What do you want from life?"

Ruth turned her head slightly to look out the window as she contemplated how to answer. The sky was clear and bright, the sun shining. She wished she could be outside, walking along the river, but that wasn't what Dr Lawson was asking. Ruth understood what she was getting at, and looked back at her. "I want to be happy."

Dr Lawson nodded in acknowledgment. "And are you happy?"

"Mostly …" She shrugged. "Sometimes."

"Is that enough for you?"

Ruth breathed deeply and looked Dr Lawson directly in the eyes before she replied in a soft voice. "No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do, Ruth."

She shook her head. "No, I don't. If I did, then I wouldn't be here."

"Okay. Tell me what happy means to you."

Ruth frowned at the request, and shook her head again, unable, unwilling, to answer. So Dr Lawson changed tack. "Okay then, how about you tell me what makes you happy?"

"Family and friends. Books and beautiful music. Being good at what I do. Making a difference."

"You enjoy music?"

"Yes." Ruth smiled properly for the first time since she'd entered the room, reliving the thrill that flowed through her whenever she listened to the glorious sounds of her favourite composers.

"Do you play?"

"No, not for a long time. I sing. In a choir. Mostly traditional choral music, but occasionally something different."

"So music makes you happy. What about your family and friends?"

"Of course. They can drive me crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't want to be without them."

"But you have been without them, haven't you?"

Ruth tensed. She felt her self-control wobbling, and her eyes starting to water. "Yes."

"Tell me about that."

"What do you want to know?"

"Well, I know what happened several years ago, and how you came home again, so why don't you begin by telling me what it was like to start a new life?"

"At first … at first it was like I was on holiday, but it wasn't long before I was homesick, and angry ... and I was scared. I'd never felt so alone in my life. I'd always had people around me who knew me, knew who I was, and who I knew, but all of a sudden, I had no one."

"That can't have been easy. How did you move on from that?"

"I didn't really. Not at first, anyway ... I started writing down everything that had happened. Every name, every piece of evidence, everything I could remember. I thought that if I did that, I'd be able to analyse it, and I'd find a way to get back home. I'm an analyst, that's what I'm good at, but I couldn't find anything. Nothing that hadn't already been thought of. There was nothing new."

Dr Lawson nodded, and waited for Ruth to continue.

"I spent a few weeks feeling incredibly sorry for myself, crying over the smallest things, but then one day I just snapped out of it. I had to. It was either wallow in self-pity and be depressed, or move on and make the most of what I had. Be proud of what I'd done. I knew I'd left for a good reason ... for something I truly believed in."

"And after everything that happened, now you're back, and working for something you believe in again. You said being able to make a difference makes you happy?"

"Yes," Ruth nodded. "I'm good at my job. It's difficult … very difficult sometimes. In fact it's difficult a lot of the time. Every piece of information I analyse, every decision I make, can change someone's life. But it's an important job, and it makes a difference, even if most of the country doesn't know it."

"So you would say you have a good life?"

"I guess so."

"You guess so?"

"I have a good life, yes."

"Do you think you have a meaningful life?"

"I think so, sometimes. But then at other times, I just feel like I'm treading water."

"What makes you feel that way … like you're treading water?"

"Like I said, I do my job, and I do it well. Very well. But I don't have much else in my life. I get up in the morning, eat breakfast and go to work. Once or twice a week I go to choir practice, but other than that, when I finish work, I go home and eat dinner, read a book or watch television, then go to bed. On the weekend I go for walks, and occasionally I go to the theatre. I rarely have the time, or inclination, to do anything else. I keep moving, but never really get anywhere."

"What about your relationship with family and friends?"

"My family are around, but things have been a bit strained, since as far as they're concerned, I lied to them, died, and then returned from the dead. They love me, but there's not a lot of trust at the moment."

"Friends?"

"Same."

"All of them?"

"Those that aren't dead, yes. Most of my friends who would have understood, the ones in the Service, are no longer here."

"What about someone special in your life? Is there anyone special who drives you crazy, but who you couldn't be without?"

Ruth paused before answering. "There is someone, but … it's complicated."

"Complicated how?"

"Just … complicated."

"Ruth, you're a smart woman. You need to be honest with yourself, and work with me, or there's really no point in you being here."

"Look, I'm happy, relatively speaking. My life isn't a fairy tale, but whose is? My life is about as far from a fairy tale as you can get, but at least it's mine. Instead of living a lie, pretending to be someone else, I have my life back. And, yes, there's someone … someone who I care about. We may not be as close as either of us would really like to be, but that's because I haven't let him get that close. I can't."

"Why not?"

"I … there are so many reasons that I've lost count. He's my boss, for one."

That stopped Dr Lawson in her tracks. Ruth could tell it wasn't quite the answer she'd expected. And it was certainly more information than Ruth had intended giving.

"Well, I guess that is a hurdle, a small one. But isn't there something you could do to change that, Ruth? Something you could do to change your life? To stop treading water and be happier?"

"Maybe."

"So why haven't you done it?"

Ruth blinked and chewed her lip as she considered the question."I don't... I can't ..." She shook her head, still trying to hold herself together, to maintain control, and keep the tears at bay.

"Why not?"

Ruth's face finally crumpled with the weight of swirling emotions, and her whole body started to shake.

"Why not, Ruth? Do you love him?"

Ruth nodded silently.

"Then why not?"

I hope the story was realistic and Ruth-like. I'm going to leave it there for now, and probably for good.

Thanks for reading.