There Be Pirates, a fullmetal alchemist fanfic

A/N: My sister's video games are very inspirational. This story is alternate universe, yet it takes place at the end of the series. Yes, it has Pirate Eyepatch!Roy. But anyway, it was something random that hit me and I needed to get out before my head exploded.

There Be Pirates
"Mmm, smell that salty sea air, Edward." Roy breathed in deeply and exhaled loudly. He adjusted his eye patch and began to row again. "Isn't it refreshing?"

Edward was leaning over the side of the boat with a green hue to his face. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

"Just think! We're still in the bay! When we finally get out into open waters that's when the real fun will begin!"

"F-fun?"

"Aaaarg," Roy began, putting on a pirate-talk tone, "that be where the waves are taller than buildings and whole cities are swallowed up."

Edward craned his neck and stared at Roy. "Wha--"

"Ahoy! There be the open sea!" Roy stopped rowing and stood up, causing the boat to shake back and forth violently. Ed clung to the side of the rowboat for dear life, eyes widened in terror.

"Roy! Sit your ass down before we capsize and drown!"

"Arg! Ahoy! We be pirates headin' out to the open waters in search of hidden booty! Hoist me anchor, raise the sails, pipe up the crew! We're headin' out!" Roy began running from one end of the boat to the other, shouting out orders to his non-existing crew.

Edward, meanwhile, was still clinging to the sides of the small boat, shrieking for dear life. "MUSTANG! SIT DOWN! JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FREAKING EYEPATCH DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE A PIRATE! WE HAVE NO CREW, WE HAVE NO SAILS, AND WE DON'T HAVE A FREAKING ANCHOR! AND IF WE DID! I'D DROP IT ON YOUR THICK SKULL!"

Roy turned to Edward, placed his hands on his hips and began to chortle with a louder pirate-tone. "Ho ho! Well I'll be scuttled by me own ship, there be a shrimp of the sea on me boat!"

The blonde's expression darkened with homicidal rage. He stood up awkwardly, fists clenched, and head bowed. "What did you say?" he asked in a low tone, dangerous with venom dripping from every word.

The 'pirate' blinked. "Er…I didn't mean it that way, Ed. I was just saying--"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE WOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR A SHRIMP AND BE EATEN BY CARNIVOROUS CLAMS?"

Roy held up his hands. "Wait Ed! I never said that!"

It was too late. Edward lunged at the man, both falling towards the side of the boat, causing it to capsize. There was a loud splash, following by sputtering as two men surfaced and clung to the boat.

"For now on," Ed declared as-a-matter-of-factly, "next time we go boating, we boat in the backyard pond. I won't have to worry about being eaten by sharks."

Roy snorted. "You'll have to worry about being eaten by carnivorous clams."

"Shut up." Pause. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE WOULD CONSIDER A CLAM SO BIG THAT IT WOULD BE AS BIG AS A WHALE?"

-Fin-