"Leave him be, Sanji."
I hear Zoro's voice behind the door of the cabin, while I lay in my hammock, head facing the ceiling.
"But he hasn't eaten! What are we go-"
"Give him time. That's all."
"…fine."
I heard footsteps walk away from the door of our cabin. I sighed and tried to control the tears threatening my eyes. But alas, they flowed out of my glistening eyes and down my cheeks. As I laid in my hammock, I couldn't help but think of Ace, and the reasons he didn't survive. Everything went wrong. What went wrong? Why couldn't I save him?!
Well, it's simple. It was my fault. Everything was my fault.
I honestly wanted to die. I couldn't live with the guilt of his sacrifice for me.
More tears fell down my cheeks as the memory replayed again and again. It's so distant, but yet I can remember every single detail. It haunts me.
Come on, Luffy. Cheer up. Keep a smile for your crew! Your crew's here now! They can keep you smiling.
Funny, then why does it hurt to smile? I try to wipe away the tears and keep them in. It's for my crew, of course. It'll only hurt for a while, and keeping a fake smile will make my crew happy…
…Bullshit. They could see right through me. I know some of them can, and eventually even Chopper and Usopp will too. It hurts to smile everyday and keep all my sadness in. But I have to be strong, and keep everyone happy. Otherwise they won't be happy.
I love my crew, so I have to be alive for them. That's my vow. But…
…How long can I keep this fake image before it shatters into millions of pieces? I don't know and I don't want to know yet.
"Live a life without regrets!"
But Ace, I regret not saving you. I regret that I couldn't stand up and run. I regret that I was just too weak to move…
I'm pathetic.
"Luffy?"
I still face the wall, but I know out of anyone's voice, it was Choppers'. I stand up from my hammock, wipe the last of my tears and smile to hide the sadness that lies within. He stares at me in astonishment from the doorway of the boy's cabin.
"…Yeah?" I say, in a fake cheery voice.
"Umm…" He starts off, kind of confused at my cheeriness. I wouldn't be surprised. "Sanji says that if you want any food, you can have any kind of meat at anytime. He doesn't mind to make you some."
"…Can I have some now?" I ask, now feeling very empty and hungry. How long have I gone without eating?
Chopper nods and walks out, but stops suddenly at the door. He turned around with tears in his eyes, and nods again. He starts to speak in a wobbly voice. "You don't need to hide your pain like this." He says, surprising me. "We know you're in pain. If you ever need our help or anyone to talk to, tell us… ok?"
Tears form in my eyes, and I nod. He turns around, wipes his eyes, and walks out, shutting the door. New tears fall down my cheeks and I smile. A real smile I haven't had in days.
I don't think I need to hide my sadness with a smile. There is still happiness within me. Barely, but it's still there. I just need to find it.
I feel worthless and pathetic but…
I'm still loved.
I miss Ace. I'll always miss him. He's my brother. I remember the first drink we ever shared. How close we were. How we loved each other. How we were always together doing silly stuff, or training to be marines, and even though we never ended up as marines, we ended up as Pirates, sailing our own separate ways.
…Funny, tears are falling down my cheeks again. I can feel the saltiness and the heat of these tears. I'm crying. But it's the good kind of crying.
I feel… happy. Sure I haven't… EXACTLY let go of this and moved on. It'll always be a memory that will pain me and hurt me thinking about it. But I'll keep going. Everyone's worried about me, so I should keep my head held high. He died for me.
So I should keep myself alive. I should be more determined. I should be happy I'm alive. He died for me. So I should stay alive and protect my crew more than ever. I should… no. I WILL become stronger.
"Luffy, your food is ready."
I turn my head around to see Sanji, leaning against the door with a cigarette in his mouth. He drags it out and breathes out some smoke. His expression doesn't change seeing the state I'm in. I smile, wipe my eyes and run out the doorway, with Sanji following me and closing the door behind him.
I will become stronger, and be more determined. My crew cares for me, and want to see me smile again. So I will.
…For them, for everyone, and for Ace.
I will live on with a smile. I won't let Ace's death go to waste. I will live.
Everyone needs me, just as much as I need them.
I don't want to die.
Not yet.
---
A/N: I only wrote this because I was thinking about the pain he would feel after he wakes up from his mental shock in the latest chapters. Except I thought of it with him dealing with his pain when he gets his crew back. Don't blame me. It just came to me. I had to write it. T_T
R & R. Thanks. :)