A/N: This fic will only be about 3 or 4 chapters long –it's mostly finished, I'm just trying to edit. I'm traveling internationally today but I wanted to get the ball rolling; I expect to get internet connection and upload the next chapter within a week or so (fingers crossed).

Unfortunately the first chapter is a little awkward as I try to set things up but it'll get to the good stuff soon, so just humor me. In the meantime, I hope you get a few laughs out it.

The ancient coffee machine in the fifth floor break room was taking forever, as usual, but Charlie paid no attention today; she was pacing the floor anxiously, thinking about how Dean had come into the office early with his eyes red and puffy. Obviously he'd gotten in a fight with someone, but who? A roommate? A lover? Charlie was determined to solve the mystery, even if she had to request help from the entire building. As it was, she and a handful of coworkers were holding a team meeting to discuss the matter while they waited for their coffee.

"Dean's been working here for five years, guys," said Charlie. "How is it that we don't know anything about his girlfriend?!"

Ash shrugged as he munched on a bag of Cheetos. "As loud and talkative as Dean is, he's actually a pretty private dude when it comes to his home life."

"That's true," said Chuck. "All he really ever talks about is cars, music, or his brother."

"But it's been years and we still haven't gotten anywhere?" Charlie challenged.

"Well, we do know that this longtime girlfriend, whoever she is, works somewhere here in the building," Jo pointed out.

"Big whoop," Charlie complained, slumping down in one of the plastic chairs gathered around the pristine, white table and crossing her arms stubbornly. "Well I can only talk about his car so often without going insane. Plus I'm tired of tiptoeing around him not knowing if it's okay to invite him and his girlfriend to see the new Hobbit film or if she'll get mad if he comes over to my place to play video games. I say we figure this out once and for all."

Ash hummed thoughtfully around his synthetic cheesy goodness. "Yeah okay, count me in."

"I'm curious, too," Garth agreed, swinging his legs from his seat on the countertop. "But it's hard to know where to start. Is there anyone that Dean seems really close to?"

They all took a minute to consider. With his charms and ridiculously good looks, Dean was considered to be something of a ladies' man—nearly every woman in the office wanted him, certainly—and it would be difficult to distinguish his winks in the hallway as friendliness or intimacy.

"I think it's Cassie," said Kevin. "They seem like they would make a pretty good couple."

Charlie gave Kevin a skeptical look. "Even if they did get together, I doubt they would have last very long."

"I dunno…" Ash said around his crunching. "I agree with Kevin. I can see that being a thing."

"Well, who else is there?" Chuck asked while inspecting apples from the bowl in the center of the table. "Is there anyone he seems to talk to a lot?"

"He's always talking with Jess," Becky answered. "I wouldn't be surprised if they were a couple—they're super friendly with each other, y' know?"

"They're both very friendly people," Kevin pointed out.

"And Becky, I think that's just wishful thinking on your part," Jo argued, knowing how much Becky liked to creep on poor Sam Winchester. Unfortunately for her, Sam had a huge crush on Jess that everyone in the office knew about. Including Jess.

Finally, the coffee machine beeped. Garth took the pot around the room and served everyone, humming a tune as he did.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he was hooking up with Bela," he said. "They do work on a lot of projects together, and whenever they talk they get really close and personal."

Jo snorted. "That's because Bela's a perv. Dean hates working with her."

Garth shrugged. "I wouldn't rule it out."

Everyone sat and gave this new addition some thought. Meanwhile Bobby walked in, giving a grunt and a nod in greeting.

"If they were a couple I bet they would have a lot of hot, angry sex," Becky mused.

Bobby turned on his heel and walked out without bothering to serve himself any coffee.

Kevin turned to her and made a face. "Becky, please. Save it for your fanfiction."

Becky smiled at him with a small "hmm" then went to staring off at the wall. Imagining God knows what.

"What do you guys think about Lisa?" Charlie asked. "Does she seem like a good candidate?"

Jo nodded. "Yeah, definitely. Lisa's the kind of girl Dean would have a beer and watch sports with. Plus he probably likes that she teaches yoga on the side, if you know what I mean." Jo wiggled her eyebrows.

Just then, Michael entered the room and graced them with his haughty presence, a brow raised and his tone chastising. Suddenly the air felt a little chilly. "My desk is right around the corner. I can hear you all," he said imperiously. Everyone tried not to shy away from him as he crossed over to the counter, though they shared a nervous look behind his back as he filled his coffee mug. On the way out, Michael tossed a twenty onto the table.

"My money's on Anna."

It took a full minute for everyone to remember how to breathe.

Charlie shook her head clear. "O-kaaay, so I guess we're betting now, with…" she counted on her fingers, "…four candidates in total: Anna, Lisa, Bela, and Cassie. Do you guys wanna keep debating this thing, or should I like, start taking orders?"

Everyone shrugged in agreement with yeah, sure's and why not's but Kevin, ever the AP student, raised his hand. He spoke in a hushed, conspiratorial voice.

"So we place bets. But how do we figure out the truth? We all know that Dean's not gonna spill."

"Guess we'll just have to go 'round to everyone's desks lookin' for clues," Ash answered—also whispering, should scary managers like Michael come around hovering again. "Y'know, see if any of the girls got a leather jacket or a mixed tape collection."

"Sniff them if you've got a chance."

Of course all the strange looks went to Becky. She rolled her eyes at them explained quietly (though not without some exasperation), "Maybe one of them borrowed his cologne, like Anderson and Sally. If any of them smell like him, then we know she's been staying the night at his house!"

Charlie raised her eyebrows a little. It wasn't a…terrible idea. "Ten points to the Sherlockian," she said. But then she added, "Just, don't take your detective skills to a creeper level, 'kay?" The men in the room nodded enthusiastically.

Jo, on the other hand, was worrying her lip. "Guys, I'm worried," she whispered. "What if Dean finds out what we're up to? He's gonna be so mad."

"Be mad about what?" Dean whispered.

Everyone screamed.

"BALLS. Don't do that, man!" Garth cried, clutching a hand to his chest.

Dean frowned at him as he stalked to the other end of the room—clearly, he was still in a thunderous mood. This could not end well.

"So…what are you all up to?" Dean drawled, giving them each a hard look as he fully leaned back against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest and his legs crossed at the ankles.

"Uh, not much."

"Nothing goin' on here."

"Nope."

Charlie was pretty certain that Dean could smell their fear.

"So someone just accidentally left a twenty dollar bill on the table?"

Everyone glanced at Michael's money with panicked eyes, having forgotten about it.

"Yup."

"I guess so."

"Man, that sucks."

Dean rolled his eyes with a snarl. There was no fooling him—the game was up.

"Don't think that I don't know what's goin' on in here," he said angrily. Everyone looked down guiltily, and Chuck looked like he wanted to cry.

"I know y'all are trying to pry into my home life, but I ain't havin' none a that shit so listen up."

Dean's father had been a marine as a young man, and had raised his boys with the same cold, harsh discipline that he'd learned from the military, so there was no wondering how Dean could go from easygoing to terrifying in two seconds flat.

"Every one of you losers is single except for Jo—and her boyfriend doesn't work here—which means that you all get to have private lives without nosy brats like yourselves gossiping around the water cooler. There's nobody wondering if you got in a fight at home, or asking when you're gonna pop the question, or trying to catch you having sex in the bathroom. Me, on the other hand—that's the crap I put up with every damn week."

Dean uncrossed his limbs and stood to his full height, making the other occupants of the room swallow their courage in one nervous, collective gulp.

"So let's get this straight: whoever I'm dating, leave 'em alone. Whoever you think I'm dating, leave 'em alone. And if I hear about anyone snooping around, I'm gonna superglue their ass to a wheelie chair so they'll have to swivel their way home. Ya hear?"

"There are worse things in life," Ash smiled.

Dean shot him a glare.

"Not that I can think of any at the moment," he amended.

Given the tense silence of the room, heavy footsteps could be heard making their way down the hall and, within moments, Castiel Novak trudged in carrying two large boxes of Winchell's. He looked rosy-cheeked and wind-blown from his walk to the office, his trench coat half hanging off his shoulders and revealing the navy sweater he wore underneath for Casual Friday. He halted just inside the doorway, a confused frown washing over his face.

"Why are you all cowering in fear?" he asked in his usual monotone voice.

Charlie felt a glimpse of hope; aside from Sam (who had an advantage as Dean's brother), Castiel was the only person in existence who was not intimidated by Dean's rage, and therefore had the remarkable ability to stand up to the man without peeing himself. Maybe they'd survive this after all.

"Because Dean's a big bully," Jo complained to Castiel. He arched an eyebrow.

"He has 'teddy bear doctor' listed on his resume." Castiel stated matter-of-factly. Despite their present anxieties, everyone snorted—except Dean, who wore a pout on his face that Charlie was endeavoring, quite heroically, to not snigger at.

Jo crossed her arms. "Still, he's getting all mean and puffy on us."

"Over what?" Castiel asked as he set the donuts on the table.

"We just want to know who his girlfriend is," Kevin admitted meekly.

Castiel crossed over to the cupboards and pulled out his mug to prepare his morning tea. "If I'm not mistaken," he said calmly, "Dean and his significant other prefer to keep that information confidential. Perhaps you should respect his wishes."

"Confidential," Charlie scoffed. "Is it really that big of a deal?"

Castiel regarded her thoughtfully for a moment before returning his attention to his tea. "Perhaps not. But Dean's very grumpy so it's probably not a good idea to make things worse."

"I'm not grumpy," Dean groused.

Castiel, while still stirring in his sugar, gave Dean a look that was…actually really sassy. There was a rumor around the office that Castiel might not be human, but Charlie could see the little bits of Castiel's personality that showed through on occasion and she loved it. It was like catching a limited-time unicorn exhibit at the zoo.

Dean scowled at his friend. "Yeah, well, you're just a baby in a trench coat so don't tell me about grumpy."

Castiel frowned. "Dean, you're being childish," he scolded.

"And you've got a stick up your ass."

"At least I'm not emotionally constipated jackass," Castiel spat.

The room went completely still.

"Fuck off," Dean muttered. The two men shared a dark look before Castiel seemed to gather himself with a stiff nod and swiftly walked away. His face bore no emotion but there was a white-knuckled grip on his cup.

"Enjoy your pastries," he muttered on his way out, leaving stunned silence in his wake.

"That was awkward as fuck," Ash commented under his breath.

Dean growled at him, then sent a final glare around the rest of the room. "Like I said, keep your nose out of my business."

And on that pleasant note, he stormed out.

Well that was interesting, Charlie thought.

Garth cleared his throat. "So are we still, uh, doing this thing?" he asked.

"Hell yes, we are," Jo said, anger clouding her pretty face. She grumbled something about grouchy He-men getting their panties in a twist and everyone decided to let her be. She wasn't exactly a fairy princess when she got pissed, either.

"Okay then. Let's take down the tallies," Charlie sighed. She tapped on the notepad app on her phone.

"Jo?"

"Lisa. I'm callin' it."

"Garth? Still think it's Bela?"

"Nah, I'm betting on Lisa."

"I think it's Bela," Becky chirped. Everyone groaned but Charlie hushed them.

"SHUT. UP. Kevin, what do you say?"

"Cassie."

"Ash?"

"Cassie."

"Chuck?"

Charlie looked up when there was no response. "Chuck?"

Chuck's eyebrows were furrowed in deep thought like he was trying to figure something out. After some deliberation, the small man addressed Charlie with a look of revelation on his face. "I think it might be Castiel."

"Really?" Charlie asked, surprised.

"Yeah. It seems like there's something going on between them."

Jo smirked. "They're good friends—of course they're gonna be a little weird. But trust me, Dean's to a ruler as Kansas is to a pancake."

Ash laughed. "Yeah, he's so macho even his car has muscle."

"And Castiel is like, perpetually single," Garth added.

"Like me," Chuck intoned, rolling his eyes up to the heavens. However, he didn't seem swayed on his position, and Charlie was starting to get on board with the idea. She held up a hand.

"Hold on, now. Everyone knows how private Castiel is; we don't know how many relationships he's had, or even what kind of relationships he's interested in."

"Everyone just assumes that he's asexual," Kevin said with a shrug. "He's kind of like a cat lady. Only he's not a lady."

"Sorry, but I just don't see it," Jo concluded, throwing her palms up in defense. "I'm still putting my money on Lisa. Charlie? What do you think?"

Under the surface of the conversation, Charlie was busy filing through her mind palace in search of every memory, every clue that might suggest that Dean and Castiel were actually a couple. She recalled that Dean had come into the office about thirty minutes early, his eyes and nose wet because he totally hadn't been crying (not that Charlie believed that bullshit for one second), and now, given his icy encounter with Castiel, she had to wonder…

Was Castiel the one Dean had been fighting with?

"I thought it was Lisa but now I'm not sure," Charlie said honestly. "There might be something to this Angel Theory."

"Suit yourself."

Charlie waved everyone into a huddle. "Alright, gather round, troops. We gotta split the work—I'll take Baby Blues. Jo, you check out Lisa. Ash can take Cassie, and Kevin can find Anna. Visit their desks and look for clues, ask questions about possible boyfriends or spouses, how long they've known Dean…things like that. But be subtle! We don't want the Hulk on our tails."

A light bulb flashed above her red head.

"In fact," she said excitedly, "let's have an after-work party at Jo's mom's place. If we can't dig up enough evidence by the end of the day, then maybe we'll catch Dean acting differently outside of a work environment. And then Plan C is we hose him down with shots until he lets something slip. Anyway, tell everyone that we're having have a get-together at the Roadhouse at six tonight."

"Aye aye, Captain!" Garth saluted her. She nodded proudly in return.

"Okay, break!"

Charlie rubbed her hands evilly as she watched the others run off, cackling Fly, my pretties, fly!

Shut up. It was the perfect opportunity.

9 to 5 by Dolly Parton