Erica, 16, sophomore
My name is Erica Belle Styx, I am 16 and I am a sophomore at Universal High. It's
a nice school, the teachers are great and all, but most of the students really aren't.
They tend to start and spread ridiculous rumors that sound so obscure that there
is no way that any of it is true. Things are never boring though, everyday is hectic
and strange. I don't always notice though, I put in my headphones, turn on my
music, and escape to a whole new world. I love almost all forms of music,
especially 90's punk and grunge! Some people think it's too depressing or too
rowdy, I don't care though. I love this music! I don't tend notice the things that
can cause me to feel a noticeable amount of emotion. I have a hard time feeling
things in general. It feels like I'm stuck in one place and struggling to see out of a
blackout curtain. That is, until I met him. Okay okay, I know what you're thinking,
"Erica that is so trite! And besides, you don't need a man!". Honestly, you aren't
wrong. It is trite and I've survived this long without some man in my life. His name
is Luka Ficamidia, he's 17 and he's a senior. I met him in school while running an
errand for one of my teachers, I was rushing to get some copier ink for
and I was rounding a corner when I smacked right into him! Boxes
of ink went everywhere! I started stammering an apology while picking up the
boxes. He was doing the same and when I looked up at him, I noticed how
beautiful he was. His long black hair was pulled back into a braid, his soft green
eyes focused on finding more boxes, his long slender hands grasped at the boxes
gently, and his graceful form spoke volumes about him. I guess I was staring or
something because my thoughts were interrupted by his gentle voice asking me if
I was okay. I stammered a "yes" and clutched the boxes in my arms closer to my
chest. I remember him helping me up and carrying some boxes to my teacher
with me. As we left the classroom, he stopped and shook my hand, then
introduced himself. I gave him my name and from that point on, I noticed how
we'd pass one another in the hall. As I thought about him more and more, I
realized that certain unknown emotions started appearing. I would be working on
something and be reminded of Luka, then all these strange emotions starting
coming. After a couple weeks of this, things got worse; I would see him and my
heart would flutter and pound, my breathing would stop, my head felt hot and
light, I felt my body get heavy yet feel like I was floating, my body would then start
trembling with butterflies, I would fidget, I would stutter, my voice got higher, my
feet felt hot almost to the point of feeling like they were melting. I felt an
overwhelming urge to go up to him and hug him tightly. It was painful, absolute
torture.
No matter how hard I tried to fight off this feeling, it just kept coming
back. Every time I'd resist, the feeling got stronger. I couldn't handle it and tried to
find answers, at first I thought I may be having a panic attack when I'd see him,
but further research told me it was worse, it was love. The idea of love was
something I hated, I have never witnessed a good healthy romantic relationship
before, though Renee and I could be a good example of healthy platonic
relationship. I've never truly been in love before, I have found someone attractive,
but it wasn't love by any stretch of the imagination. I started reading up on the
subject, trying to figure out what to do. All that did was tell me to flirt with him
and how to do it, which as you can imagine, wasn't very helpful. One day, I saw
him sitting alone at his lunch table, I worked up the courage to walk up to him
and ask to sit with him. I remember him smiling at me and saying yes. I had asked
him why he was alone, and he told me about how nobody he actually knew had
our lunch shift that day due to testing. That lunch period was exhilarating for me,
the feeling was strong and intense. It really hurt, but I loved it. I felt like I was high
and floating above the earth.
Several months passed and Luka and I grew closer. In a fit of pure
confidence, I gave him my phone number! We talked more and more, I kept
getting that intense high feeling even when I was texting him. Though for as great
as it felt, I hated it. I felt the painful side to having a "crush", I didn't know how he
felt about me. The mystery was killing me! However, part of me didn't want to
know, I found myself thinking that the pain of rejection would be worse. Honestly
I began to think about how romantic relationships are painful. If the person who
holds your affection loves you back, the two of you date for a while, then break
up. The broken heart is what you'd feel after the break up, or the rejection. I
found that love, if anything, is a choice; You choose everyday whether or not you
love that person. Many would probably disagree with me, but think about it! After
a certain amount of time the feeling will go away, the excitement is gone, but do
you still love them? Most of the time, yes. You choose to keep loving that person
another day. I found myself feeling frustrated about my feelings for Luka, he is
just so...perfect in every way. I can't help but choose him everyday. He is so
intelligent, sweet, caring, kind, and thoughtful. I grew to hate the feeling after a
while, it was nothing but torture to me, the "Does He or Doesn't He" feeling got
worse especially. I wanted to stop feeling this, it's annoying to be trying to focus
on something and being reminded of him randomly. A couple days ago, my best
friend, Renee, called me and wanted answers. She noticed I haven't been myself
lately, and wanted to make sure I was okay. I told her everything was fine and that
it will all be over soon after I described my feelings for Luka. All she said was,
"Oh.. I hope everything works for you" in a defeated tone. I decided to tell Luka
how I feel, but to eliminate the fear and pain, I will bring some help.
The next day, He came over to my house to help me with some problems I was
having in math; I was ready, I had made peace with myself, I had it loaded, I was
prepared for any possible contingency. I could hear him knock my front door, and
I listened as my mother greeted Luka. I heard her calling me from the door to let
me know Luka was here.
I felt a pang in my chest for my mom, I felt a bit guilty for wanting to do this. I
was all my mom had left, when I was in the third grade my mom was supposed to
have a baby boy. Unfortunately, he died of SIDS. My mother got very depressed
after that, I would find her in the nursery crying bitterly. After a couple of months,
my Dad couldn't take it anymore, and left my Mother and I. She got worse after
that, the divorce was messy, he tried to take me with him, but mom wouldn't let
him. Eventually the court decided that I was to stay with my Mom. I saw her smile
for the first time in a year. Now that I was prepared to do this, I felt as if I was
about to truly have freedom, if this works out, maybe I won't have to deal with the
fear or pain of rejection. I gripped the weapon tightly, thankful that my Mother
kept this thing where I could get it. I had found it in a drawer of the desk in the
study. I heard Luka knock at my bedroom door, I told him to come in. "Erica, I got
your text message. What did you need to tell me? Or did you just need some help
with school work?" he asked calmly. He sounded like the angels I would be
hearing from soon. I turned around and looked him in the eyes, "Luka, for the
past few months I have been having these intense feelings for you. At first I
thought it was a panic attack, but upon further research I found that what I've
been feeling is love. Luka, I love you. I love you so much and I want to be near you
and talk to you, and not be afraid to tell you how I feel; but I can't. I can't do it, I'm
not strong enough to actually deal with this pain. I hate this feeling yet I am
addicted to it, I'm addicted to you, Luka. I can't handle this feeling, I'm sorry."
I pulled out the gun, and put the barrel in my mouth. Before I could pull the
trigger, Luka tried to stop me. He struggled to get the gun away from me, but I
wouldn't let him. I was prepared to die, not to face another horrible emotion. He
pulled the gun away from my mouth, but I pulled it back. He had me on the
ground, shouting at me to stop, that he can help me and that I didn't need to do
this. I didn't care what he said, I wanted to die. I don't want to feel these
emotions. I'm scared of these feelings. I love them, but I don't want the rejection,
I want to go back to feeling nothing. I managed to put my finger on the trigger
and put it in my mouth, Luka was fighting, but I'm far more determined than him.
Luka smacked my arm as I pulled the trigger. A sharp pain pulled my left cheek, it
felt hot, itchy, and it throbbed. The pain was unbearable, I could feel someone
holding onto my body, I saw Luka through the haze. He had me clasped to his
body, yelling for help and for me to stay with him. The last thing I saw was my
mother rushing in and tearing up.
Renee, 15, sophomore
As I watched Erica's mother talk to the doctor, my mind drifted off to a horrible
scenario, what if she didn't make it? I wish she didn't do that, if she wanted
romantic love she could've just told me. I love her, I told her that so many times. I
guess she thought my love was only platonic. it wasn't just platonic though, it was
both platonic and romantic. I love everything about her. I love the way she
brushes her hair behind her ear even though she didn't need to, I love the way
she held me and told me everything would be okay during my attacks, I love the
way she looked into my eyes even though it was difficult for her. I think most of
all I will miss her laugh, she didn't laugh often, but when she did it was electric.
Now, I feel like I will never hear it. I may never get her "goodnight" and "good
morning" texts, I won't see her eagerly waiting for me in the morning at school, I
won't see her eyes light up when I greet her, and I will never hear her talk about
the things she's passionate about. Part of me wants to hate him, he took her away
from me. If she hadn't loved him so dearly, maybe it would be him unconsciously
lying in this hospital bed. Though, I can't blame him. He didn't do anything wrong,
I guess I'm just...angry. It's hard to be mad though, if it wasn't for him, I'd be at
her funeral instead of being by her side in a hospital. I know she loved him, she
wanted to at least be near him to protect him. She has always been that kind of a
person, nobody would've guessed that under that creepy, shy, quiet exterior, was
a large, kind, sincere heart that could never truly hate someone. If she met
someone who she likes, she tries to look out for them and help them as much as
she could. Now she may actually be gone, and I'll be all alone again.
She was my first and only friend. Erica saw past my "badgirl" persona and met me
on the emotional level that was a gaping hole in my life. I haven't felt so empty in
my life, she used to tell me that life for her was like trying to see out of a blackout
curtain. She told me how afraid she was of letting anyone see past the part of her
that she actually showed. She wanted so desperately to push those curtains back
and gaze out the window to see the beauty of the world. She wanted freedom and
adventure, though I feel like I may have held her back. I have always wanted to be
exactly at her side, and in that endeavor, I may have ruined some of her chances
of freedom. I know that if I ever told her that she would deny that I do it, she
would hold me and tell me she knows me and knows that I would never do that to
her.
Until I met her, I hated it when someone touched me, I have been abused in the
past and developed a fear of touch. She was different, she didn't seem to mind
holding someone. The first time we met was in the third grade, I just had some
girls who threw rocks at me. I was alone behind a tree crying, when I heard a girl
ask me if I was okay and why I was crying. I yelled for her to go away and that it
was none of her concern, but the next thing I knew, a pair of arms wrapped
around me and a head was resting on the back of mine. I flinched at her touch,
and she started patting my shoulder and telling me softly that everything would
be okay. Within minutes I felt relaxed in her arms and had wrapping mine around
her waist with my face buried in her shoulder. When I had calmed down, she
asked me again why I was crying. I told her what happened and that the girls
picked on me for being alone. She looked into my eyes, softly smiled, and said,
"Well, now you aren't alone. You have me, and I will always be here with you". I
asked her why she cared and how she knew how to comfort me, she told me
about her mother. Her mother had depression after the child who would've been
Erica's brother died of S.I.D.S . Erica would find her mother in the nursery crying,
and would sit there holding her mother and comforting her. Since that point on,
we did everything together.
She thought it was awesome when it would turn out that we had almost every
class together, I guess she didn't know that I always had the counselors move me
to her classes. We were friends for almost eight years, and I have cherished every
moment with her. Now that there is a possibility that I have lost her, I will be
alone. I will no longer have a reason to so much as get up in the morning. I could
see her mother crying in the hallway, it must be rough for her. First she lost her
little boy, now there is a chance her first born won't recover. What do I do now? I
can't truly comprehend that she is in such a bad condition. She is my world, my
only friend. She helped me through every single one of my panic attacks, she got
me out of that old abusive home, she listened when no one else did. I have to
wonder how Luka is holding up, they were on good terms. He was the first new
person she introduced herself to, and was the first who didn't immediately shut
her out. Along with her crush on him, she held him with high regards and had a
lot of respect for him. I know that if he wasn't at the police station, giving his
statement right now, he'd be standing at my side; holding the cool hand of Erica. I
think he somehow knew she loved him, but didn't want to fully assume. I know
her body language well enough to know that even just seeing him set her heart on
fire, she'd talk about him and her eyes would light up with a starry twinkle, his
voice could melt her heart and evaporate it. She was in love alright, I just wish she
didn't decide to try ending her life because she couldn't handle those feelings. She
described how she felt about him to me once; the way she described all the little
emotions and sensations she feels with him was vivid. Erica has always had a way
with words, she could make the dullest story vibrant; it was definitely something I
admired about her. I looked back down at her, bandages and gauze covered the
left side of her face. I overheard a doctor telling her mother that the stitches
would help, but the emotional trauma would be immense. I hope she'll wake up
soon, the E.K.G's beeping with Erica's heartbeat isn't very comforting. I really just
want to hear her voice again, to see her dark brown eyes open, and to see her
beautiful smile. I moved a strand of her light brown hair out of her face and begin
to tear up, I love her so much.
Luka, 17, senior
I'm looking around the busy police station, I just finished giving my statement and
I'm waiting for my mother to come. I don't know what to do or how to feel about
this! I seriously just witnessed a girl I hardly know, try to kill herself because she
couldn't handle her feelings for me. I'm flattered, but, I'm absolutely shocked; I
don't know how to process this, I can't accept this, I WON'T accept this. Erica
needs help, she really needs it. Did her mother know about her mental instability?
Did Renee? What hasn't anyone try to help her? She really needs help, I've always
had a feeling that Erica wasn't exactly "all there" but she was always so sweet.
Something about the way she acted made me think she may be a bit too closed
off from the world. I remember how she'd randomly come up to me and strike up
a conversation, she'd be a bit flighty and her voice would often tremble.
I want to help her, but I also feel like if I were to actually try, she might still feel
what she may think is love. I don't think it's love, most likely just a crush. Love
takes patience, understanding, and most of all, love takes time. We've only known
each other for a couple months. How can her feelings be anything BUT a crush? I
already know I've never been with someone, not before this incident, and maybe
not after. However, I do care about her and her wellbeing. For all that's happened,
I think she's sweet, and she'll make some lucky person happy. That person is not
me though. I'm just not that interested in love, we are so different from each
other. I know what they say about opposites attracting, but I think while she's
going through this, she's not going to need the added stress of a romantic
relationship. Besides, even if I wanted to date her, I can't. I'm way too busy to be
in a relationship, and not only that, but I'm simply not ready to be a boyfriend or
her boyfriend.
My thoughts were interrupted by my phone buzzing. I picked it up and saw it was
my mother calling me, answering I say "Hey Mom, Are you here?". She tells me to
come out and I leave. I can see her in her red Honda, I walk to the passenger side,
open the door, and get in. I looked over at my Mom, she was staring back at me
with a worried expression. "So how'd it go, Champ?" she asks carefully.
"It was fine. They asked me a couple questions, got my statement, and
said it was okay for me to leave." I replied softly.
She nodded, "would you like me to take you to the hospital to see her?"
she asked.
I don't know if I want to see her, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to keep my
distance from her. I don't even know if she made it, and part of me doesn't want
to care. I want to help her though, I want to make sure she's okay, but at the same
time, I want nothing to do with her. Maybe I should go, just to say my "Goodbyes".
I looked into my mother's worried eyes and nodded. She started up the car and
began to drive to the hospital. We were at the first intersection when finally, Mom
broke the silence. I knew she would, Mom has never liked silence.
"Luka, I may not fully understand how you feel, but i do understand how
to be there for my son. So if there is ever a time you need to vent your feelings
about this.. about anything, you can come to me. I know I'm not always there for
you, but I want to. Luka, I do know that this is rough, and you are going to need
time, but I am proud of you. You've handled this like the mature young man I
know you are".
I smiled, she always knows how to talk to me and how to comfort me.
"Thank you Mom, I really do appreciate that. I know I'm not always easy to talk to,
but if anything, I'm happy you've been there for me all my life" I said softly. I
wasn't looking at her, but I knew she was smiling. I know her well, so I know that if
someone says anything kind to her, it would brighten up her day. She's so positive
and happy, I've always admired that about her. We finally arrive at the hospital.
As I got out of the car and looked up at it, my heart sank and my throat felt tight.
I'm afraid of hospitals, I think it started when I was eight: My dementia stricken
Grandma had fallen down her basement stairs one night. She wasn't found until
the next morning when my Grandpa woke up and realized she wasn't sleeping
next to him. He had gone down the stairs and noticed the basement door was
open. He went down to find my poor Grandma, lying on the floor with her right
leg and left arm shattered completely. Aside from the broken limbs, she sustained
horrible internal injuries. I the last time I saw her alive was when I visited her in
the hospital, I had walked into the room, I thought she was asleep. I sat at her
bedside and held her hand, when she suddenly shot up awake, the E.K.G was
beeping furiously and she was gasping violently. I started to scream for help, all
the while her hand was gripping mine tightly. A nurse ran in and tried to help my
Grandma, and after a couple seconds, my Grandma fell back and the beeping
stopped. The nurse frantically tried to save her, but to no avail. My Grandma was
dead, and since then, I have been terrified of hospitals.
I swallowed hard and made my way in, knowing this will likely not end well. It
smelled like latex gloves and cleaning supplies, I instantly felt nauseous. No
matter how bad I feel, I still need to at least make peace with Erica, and say
goodbye. I walked up to the front desk, and was greeted by a twenty something
secretary. He looked at me and smiled, "What can I do for you, sir?". I gave him a
courteous smile and asked him where I could find Erica. He typed something into
his computer and wrote down her room number. He handed the little piece of
paper and I thanked him. As I walked away, I read the room number on the
paper, it would seem she is on the the second floor. I moved to the stairs and
walked up, it said she is in "Room 234". I looked around, the nearest room was
"Room 230" so I know I'm close.
I began walking down the hallway and noticed Erica's mother in tears, sitting
alone in one of the chairs. I suddenly feel a bit guilty, I am a big part of the reason
her daughter tried to kill herself, I know I'm feeling overwhelmed myself. I made
her feel this way without knowing it! If I had known, maybe I could have talked
her out of those feelings. I feel like this was my part, but at the same time I feel
it's her fault too, it was her emotions after all. I take a couple deep breaths and
proceed, I get to the door handle and look back at Erica's mom. She doesn't look
up at me, just sits there crying bitterly into her hands with her head down. I take
hold of the handle, take another breath, and I open the door. Erica's best friend
looks up at me, I remember Erica telling me her name is Renee. She says a soft
"hey" and tells me to come in and close the door. As I get closer, I notice tears on
Renee's face, I feel pity filling my chest. I move past the curtain and realize Erica is
awake. I feel even more nauseated with guilt and fear as I look into her eyes. Erica
and Renee exchange glances, and without saying a word, Renee gets up and walks
out. From the window I see her sit beside Erica's mother. I looked back at Erica,
she motioned for me to sit down. I feel reluctant to do it, but I move to her
bedside and sit in Renee's chair. Erica's eyes pierce mine, I feel like looking away,
but I know I shouldn't.
I know what I want to say, yet I don't know how to say it, this is so much harder
than I could even imagine! She seems like she's studying me, I can tell she's
analyzing my facial expression. After a couple minutes, she speaks up, "I-I-I'm
sorry L-Luka. I'm so sorry for putting you through this. I didn't think things
through, and I should've tried to find help with dealing with this feeling. Even
though I'm scared of your answer, Do you like or love me back?". Her question hit
me like a ton of bricks, I know how I feel about her, but I know it isn't what she's
actually hoping for. I furrow my eyebrows and I look down at the floor.
Taking a deep breath and look back up, "Erica, I care about you, but…. I don't love
you, not even in a friendly way. This incident shows me you need some help from
a loving, supportive person who can be there for you every day. That person isn't
me. I'm not ready to be a boyfriend, and even if I was, as much as I hate to say it,
my significant other wouldn't be you. You need help, and while I want to help you,
I know I'm not adequate to help you. You are unstable and if I caused you to do
this, I don't want to know how you would react to an inevitable break up after a
large amount of time of us being together. If anything, I don't even know you well
enough to even actually consider you a friend!" my voice came out shakily, but
strong. I stand up, and was about to walk out, but Erica grabbed my arm. A
flashback of my Grandmother's death comes to my mind, she tries to say
something but I cut her off, "DON'T YOU GET IT? HOW CAN YOU BE SO BLIND AND
FOOLISH? I DON'T LOVE YOU! YOU'RE CRAZY SO LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shout at her
angrily. I stop, realizing what I said, I didn't mean to say that or shout. Erica starts
to tear up and lets go of my arm, I feel horrible. "Erica.. I didn't mean to say that!"
I try to say, she tries to sit up.
When she managed to do it, she looks up at me with her eyes filled with hurt. "No.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm crazy, I'm sorry I've never felt that feeling before, I'm sorry
I'm so poorly equipped to understand and deal with it, and I'm sorry I felt so
helpless and horrible that I thought the only way out was through suicide. Above
all, I'm sorry for feeling this, especially for you, but now I'm kind of happy for it. If
this hadn't happened, I would never have seen who you really are and I would've
had to still love you. So thanks for making it easy for me!" she said angrily. I try to
apologize, but she pointed to the door and told me to get out of her sight and to
bring Renee back in. My heart feels heavy, I never meant to be so cruel, but
maybe this was the push she needed. I walk out, the idea of helping her
inadvertently still didn't bring me much comfort. I was horrid and I know I was
wrong and out of line.
Before going back down the hall, I look over to Renee, not looking her in the eyes
I motion for her to go in. I open the door for her, and can hear faint sobbing. My
chest feels tight, as if a snake was constricting around my chest. I walked down
the hallway, my face was starting to feel hot. I think what really bothers me, is
that, I've been lying. I lied to Erica and I lied to myself. I do love Erica, I wish she
didn't try to kill herself, I wish that she could've told me without trying to harm
herself, I would've smiled and held her and told her I love her back, and because
of my stupidity, I have lost her. By the time I got to the stairs, my throat felt hot
and tears began to trail down my face. I sat down on the top step. I buried my
face in my hands and sobbed softly. I'm such a horrible person, I know I will
eventually move on, and the pain will leave, but I do not foresee it leaving anytime
soon. I got up after what felt like ten minutes, as I continued down the stairs, I
wiped my eyes and tried to look like I wasn't just crying. I left the hospital and
found my mother in her car, I got in and told her to please take me home.
I watched the hospital leave my sight in the side mirror as we drove away. Seeing
Erica at school again will be torture, or maybe I could make it up to her.
A month passes by before I saw Erica and Renee again. For a month I
carried around an apology and love confession letter for Erica, each day I'd hope
for her return to Universal High. I walked into the school one morning to see Erica
standing around smiling at something Renee was saying. My heart was fluttering
and I was nervous, I clutched the letter tightly in my hand. As I got closer, I
noticed Renee and Erica was more...close..than I remember. Renee had her arms
around Erica's waist, and visa versa. They were smiling and giggling together, I got
closer and heard something that truly broke my heart. Erica told Renee that she
loves her, I missed my chance..no. I blew my chance.
I was a jerk to Erica and she's known Renee longer anyway. It's my fault I'm not in
Erica's arms and Renee is. I know I can't compete with Renee, and I don't want to
break them up because of my own feelings. Especially after how I acted towards
Erica in the hospital. She looked over and noticed me, her face contorted to a
scowl before Renee moved her face to make look at her. Erica's face went back to
her beautiful smile, and I realized I've lost her. I'm sorry I messed up Erica, but I'm
glad your happy. She will love you, I know you'll be just fine. Goodbye Erica, I'm
glad to have known gotten to know you.