Missing Her
This is the fourth Christmas without Janet. I try to fill the emptiness by spending time with her little namesake. Over the last four years, Simon Wells and I have become pretty good friends. I've made a nuisance of myself by spending a lot of time with him and his family. I have a standing invitation for all Christmases, birthdays, Sunday dinners (when neither Simon nor I are off-world) and just about any other time I'm lonely, or have an urge to dote on little Janet. Marci says that I'm worse than either set of grandparents when it comes to spoiling the child rotten. Simon tells me that if I buy her one more 'doctor' toy, I'm going to have to pay for her medical school… which I would gladly do if she really is interested in that by the time she gets to college.
I find I'm vicariously living the life I wish I had made with Janet. I had always thought I had plenty of time to tell her how I felt about her…to ask her to marry me…to settle down and have my own little Janet, and perhaps some brothers and sisters for her. She knew I considered her one of my best friends, and we flirted with each other a little, but I had never just come out and told her "I love you", "I want us to be married", "I want to adopt Cassie, and add to our family by having kids of our own." I hope she knew, somehow, just how much I loved her…still love her. But, I never actually told her. I always thought I had time. But, just like that, there was no more time. No more flirting, no more hopes…no more Janet.
Christmas is still the worst. I had always somehow managed to spend part of Christmas holidays with Janet and Cassie…first on the pretext of bringing gifts for Cassie, or helping Janet assemble toys for her daughter…but, finally, it just became a tradition that we spent Christmas Eve together, and would get together several times over the Christmas Holidays. I had even started taking her to New Year's Eve parties the last several years that she was still here. So, at first, with no Janet, it was like there was no reason to celebrate. Then, Simon and Marci invited me to that first Christmas dinner. I asked if I could bring Cassie, as well, but found that they had already invited her, and the rest of SG1.
That first Christmas without her was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but having friends (both old and new) around, helped. Having a little Janet around helped even more. So, as the years go by, I try to keep both close, especially around the holidays. Little Janet calls my Janet, "Aunt Jant" and I chuckle each time I hear it. Janet would have loved hearing that childish pronunciation of her name. She'd love wrapping the stethoscope, and the doctor's bag, and the little pair of scrubs, and the plastic microscope. She'd love seeing little Janet try to wrap the dog in gauze and carry him off to the "hopital" on a make-shift travois (one of the blankets off her bed).
As long as I have my friends (who all loved Janet, too), and Cassie, and now little Janet, it's almost like I still have my Janet. It's not the same, and thinking about all the time I wasted not being with her still hurts, but having this new 'family' helps a little. If I can't have my Janet, at least I have some Janet. It doesn't make it "all better", but somehow, it makes it "okay", and for now, that will have to do.