Looking up

by Leaf.On.The.Wind.08

This is really just me wishing Ward would see a therapist. It happens after season 1. Ward is locked up with his thoughts. At some point he starts seeing a therapist, and this is the story of how he slowly gets better.

You've been in this cell for so long, you've started to forget what you look like. No mirror, no glass, nothing but a concrete bunk and a toilet in the corner. The door opens twice a day to let a meal in, and basically, that's it.
You don't remember the sound of your voice, either. You haven't talked in days, weeks, months? You have no idea. At first you thought you couldn't because of the injuries you sustained from the fight with May, but now you know it's your head that's been keeping you from talking. You've made so many mistakes, you're paralyzed at the thought of making any more, so you just don't, want, to do, anything.
You sit on your bunk. You wait. You hope your sentence will come soon and you wish it will mark your end.

When you cannot stand the thoughts and memories anymore, you try to sleep, but usually it's worse. Some things you can consciously block: Fitz, Skye. Thinking about Jemma hurts more than you would have thought. Thinking about Garrett is the worst, when anger meets longing meets betrayal meets complete absence of any sense. None of it makes any sense to you anymore. You don't understand how, for so long, life could have been as simple as following one mad man's orders. You remember what you did and you want to punch that version of yourself in the face so bad. On the other hand you miss him. You miss the way he used to look at you; with pride. You miss the way you thought you could rely on him and the way you knew he relied on you.
You always hope sleeping will help you escape but that's when your subconscious wakes up and tortures you at least as bad as May promised she would. Since she hasn't, yet, you've named your dreams - nightmares, really -, after her. They are the dreams where Skye comes to visit, only to tell you Fitz didn't make it. Sometimes it's just Coulson, looking at you, eyes filled with hate. Other times it's Fitz, laughing with Jemma and then slowly disappearing, leaving her helpless with nothing to fill the void but scientific experiments. Garrett, looking down on you from the top of the well. Or Skye again, looking at you like you don't even exist.

So yeah, you think a lot. Something you're not used to do. You're a soldier, you do what you're told, no questions asked. But there are no orders in this cell. No mission.
You discover thinking hurts. Sometimes you just can't deal with it anymore. Sometimes you just want it to stop, to disappear, the void, the non-sense, the emptiness. Sometimes you wish you could become the concrete of the walls and fade altogether.
Sometimes you hurt yourself on purpose, hoping the physical pain will help forget about the other one, the one you don't understand. But it always comes back. And you keep thinking, as there is nothing else to do here. It's only you, with your untrained brain and your regrets.
It stays that way for a long time.

Natasha is the first to visit. You can't even look at her but her black leather boots and the tone of her voice give her away. « You're lucky I wasn't there that day », she says. « May has always been too nice, anyway ». In another life you would have laughed, but in this one you agree. May was too nice with you.
You don't know what she wants, yet, but you know why they sent her. She could have easily taken you in a fight before and now, she'd have you on the ground in a matter of seconds even if you'd try to resist. Which you wouldn't. Fighting is not an option, not anymore. All you want to do is be left alone.
« They sent me to talk to you. They want answers. I don't know, maybe they thought that because I'm a girl I like to chat with people. They're not very good judges of characters; hell, they hired you. Anyway, I'll be quick: why? ».
Part of you wants to look up and give her an answer, any answer. But you keep your head down, just shake it a little. Why? You'd like to know. But you don't have an answer, not for her, not for anyone. Not even for yourself. You'd like to tell her it's Garrett's fault but deep down you know it isn't, not completely. But you can't figure out your own place in all this either. So you don't say anything.
She waits a few more seconds and then leaves the room.

You've grown a full beard when someone comes to visit you the second time. Once again, you don't need to look up to see who it is. You spent so much time on the Bus with all of them, you'd recognize any of their footsteps. So you stay lying on the bunk, head to the wall. You can't face her. You cannot face any of them, not yet, not ever.
The room fills with silence as she waits for you to turn around. Another kind of silence, a more painful one. When she understands you won't move, she lets out a small sigh and leans on the wall.
« They wouldn't let me read your file. So, you know, I hacked it. »
Of course she would. There's not a wall she couldn't bring down. She brought yours down after all.
« I wanted to understand. »
Does she? Maybe she could explain it all to you then, because you feel more lost than ever. You almost move to look at her, look at her face, search for any sign of mockery. Almost, but you don't, you stay as still as the concrete of this room.
« I thought you were hydra. We all did. I understand now that you weren't, I know what Garrett did to you. I guess I'm... I'm sorry we didn't see anything before it was too late. But mostly, I'm mad. I cannot forgive you, not yet, maybe never. »
Good.
« But I wanted you to know that I know there's more to you than what you think. You're not a monster. You might have acted like one, but it's not set in stone. »
For a while she doesn't say anything else and you think she might have left, but she adds, with what you can hear is her small, sad smile: « Boy, will my therapist be happy! By the way, Fitz is ok. He's wanted to come but Jemma won't let him. It's been really hard, on all of us, W- » She almost says your name but then she doesn't.
« Anyway... bye. »
She closes the door and if you could cry, that would be the moment you would wipe the tears off your face. But crying has never been an option. Has it?

Fitz and Jemma come next. They take you by surprise and you can't help but cross their eyes when Jemma opens the door as violently as she can. First her hurt, angry hazelnut eyes, then his. He reminds you so much of your little brother. Then the shame makes you look away.
Jemma stands in a corner of the room, arms crossed, jaw tensed, eyes like icers. Fitz hesitates for a moment, then he comes and sits next to you and takes your hand. That's the first time someone has touched you since you've been in here. It startles you and you quickly take your hand back, and Fitz rests his on his lap. His right hand is trembling and you deeply hope it's from the stress of being here, and not from any permanent damage you might have caused to that amazing brain of his.
You just sit in silence for a while, then Fitz takes your hand again and squeezes it; gently. He stands up and leaves the room, followed by Jemma, whose angry stare you keep feeling lingering on you long after they're gone.

You spend the next few days wondering why. Why would they come and see you? Don't they want you dead? Don't they want to kill you themselves? That's what you would have wanted.
Destroying any threat or anything that could cause any harm before it gets to you. That's how you would have reacted. Is that what being a good guy is like? Is it acting like they do? And if so, why are they being good people to you? What did you do to deserve it?
They pity you, probably. Skye said it, she read your file, they probably all did. So they know, about... And now they pity you. That must be it. Otherwise why would they bother with you?

Lately the nightmares about your old... team, have been replaced by memories of your brother. Expect his face always gets mixed up with Garrett's, sometimes with yours. You feel like your head is going to explode if your situation doesn't change soon. You don't care how; you just need something different.

You don't know your next visitor. She tells you her name is Anna and that she is a therapist. She tells you that they haven't decided what to do with you yet, and that Fitz and Skye convinced them you should see a therapist before any decision is made. That's why she's here. She tells you you don't have to talk for a while if you don't want to, but at some point you will have to otherwise she will not be able to do her job. She tells you it all depends on you: who you are, who you want to be. That you can take the time to make your own choices. New ones. To think them over.
She explains that the difficulty of your situation resides in the fact that you where both an abuse victim and the perpetrator of many violent crimes. She doesn't lie to you about the horrors you've done; or sustained. She doesn't try to tell you it's ok. She just states the facts she reads from your file. She tells you you could read it together sometime, it might help you find yourself in all this mess. Well, she doesn't say mess, but that's what you remember from her speech anyway.
She comes every two days. For a while, you don't say anything. You stand still, sitting on your bunk. She sits in front of you, on a chair she's been allowed to bring with her. The first time she came, the guards wanted to put you in handcuffs but she refused. You know it was just a strategy to establish some kind of trust between the two of you, but it might have actually worked because you don't fear her as much as you fear everyone else.
Sometimes she brings a book, and reads from it. Sometimes she brings music. Sometimes she doesn't bring anything and you sit in silence, and you remember the feeling of Fitz's hands on your skin.
She never gets angry. You think about it, and how you would totally snap if you were visiting someone who doesn't say a word to you, doesn't even try to at least communicate somehow. She brings a sense of calm and serenity with her. You find yourself expecting her visits.
Maybe she gets bored at some point, though, because she knows exactly what your triggers are and one day she activates one.
« Skye asked how you were doing. »
You remember Skye mentioned a therapist when she came to visit and wonder if it's Anna.
« I told her I didn't know. »
« You can tell her I'm fine. »
You had not expected that. Your voice sounds husky and your jaw feels weird, like it has forgotten how to talk.
« Are you? »
Then the therapy begins.

You don't talk much, but you try to talk about the important stuff. You don't want to waste Anna's time, you're so grateful someone comes for you, you wouldn't want to bore her away.
Most of the time you talk about your dreams, because you remember hearing about that therapist who would analyse dreams and so you think that's what she expects from you. After a while though, she starts asking questions, or pointing you in certain directions. She asks about your brothers. She asks about Garrett. She asks about that time in the woods and the skills you developed to survive. She calls them skills at first and then tries to explain to you something called 'defence mechanisms'. You nod, you're not sure you understand yet but you'll try.
She pushes you a lot. She doesn't express any opinion of her own, but the way she guides you makes you question things you didn't want to question. Your relationship with Garrett. The reasons behind it, his reasons. His will. You remember him at the end, how mad he had become and you don't want to think about him that way but in the meantime, you know you got to see the real Garrett in these last hours. You want to be mad at him but you can't. Losing him was like losing yourself.
But you don't tell her any of that so she keeps pushing you. And you try, you really try not to react to any provocation because you feel the anger coming up and you don't want to be angry at anyone ever again, especially not her. So you keep blocking everything. And she keeps pushing you.
One day you cannot stand it anymore and you snap. You start screaming at her, asking her why, why does she want you to talk about the bad stuff, what good will it do, why can't she just leave you alone! She stays still on her chair and looks right into your eyes. She lets you scream. Once you've started it's like you can't stop. At some point you're not screaming at her anymore, you're screaming at him. You want to know why, you need to know why. You hate him for what he did to you, but you hate him more for leaving you. Helpless. In the midst of all the screaming, you end up hating everyone for everything they did and did not do.
She waits until you're finished and then she leaves the room, only saying « see you in two days. »
After what you've thrown at her you don't expect her to come back but she does, just like she said.

The next time you see her you want to apologize but you don't know where to start. She sits in front of you as always and asks how you are today. You look up, and from the way she's looking at you, you know she isn't expecting any apology.
« I... I'm sorry for the other time. »
« It's ok, Grant. That was good. You needed to express all that. Now we need to work on it. »

Strangely enough, you start feeling better. You sleep better, anyway. The nightmares haven't stopped but they are less frequent. Sometimes you think about Skye and you can smile for half a second before the guilt eats your smile away.
Guilt, that's a new feeling you're experiencing. It seems like it's trying to catch up with thirty years of not-existing, because it has made a cosy home inside of you and doesn't seem like it's about to leave anytime soon. But you're ok with that. Guilt feels actually better than anger.
Anna says you're doing good. She says she's seeing some progress. She still pushes you but you don't mind anymore. You kinda feel like you need it. There are some issues that need resolving, and you wouldn't go there alone.
She stays with you through every step. You tell her things you never told anyone, things that no one knows. Things about that time in the woods. Things Garrett did to you, to make you stronger, he used to say. But you feel more broken than you feel strong.
She listens to everything you say, she seems to be able to hear anything. You ask her once, « how can you stand listening to these stories? ». She says it's her job, that she's the one person you can talk to about anything you choose. She says she'd rather you talked about it than kept it all inside. She doesn't really answer your question but for a second you catch a glimpse of the shield she had to build in order to do her job.

She asks you if you would like to go out. To leave your cell for a while. You just shake your head no. The outside world is not a place for you anymore, it's too dangerous; well, you're too dangerous.
She says it's too bad, because it's been snowing and it's beautiful out there. You raise your head, does she remember that time you said you love snow because it makes everything quiet? Or does she just like it herself? Whatever the reason, her comment kind of makes you want to see the snow, for one second; before you forbid yourself to think about ever going out ever again.

May comes one day. She cut her hair. She's holding a razor and you feel relief, thinking this is the end.
But she only shaves your beard. She doesn't say a word. When she's done, she lifts your head up and looks straight into your eyes, like she's looking for something. You look back and see mostly nothing; it's May after all. But you catch a glimpse of something before she stands up and leaves the room.
Was it concern?

Anna wants you to talk about the events before your arrest but all you can say is that you don't understand anymore. You used to say you followed Garrett's orders, but now saying that just sounds empty and false. You have no explanation. She says she's not asking for one, she just wants you to tell your side of the story.
« Everything is in the file », you answer.
« Not everything. »
You can't tell her that you cannot talk about it because it would make everything too real. But you know she knows.

She keeps asking though. She says if you don't want to talk about what happened, you should try talking about how you feel about it. She does not directly mention Fitz and Jemma and you thank her for that, but you keep replaying that scene in your head. If you had to tell her something, two words would come to mind.
« Guilt. Regret. »
« Ok, she says. And what are you going to do with that? »
You look up, you don't understand. Do what with what?
« Do you think they are going to let you stay in this place forever, just brooding over your feelings? »
That hurt.
« You do know you will have to face the outside world, one day. I'm not here to lie to you, Grant. And I'm not here to protect you, either. I'm here to help you move on. »
« You think I can move on from what I did? You think I can forget? »
« Who said anything about forgetting? Did you learn nothing from our sessions? »
You look at her to see if she's upset, but she's not. You see that look you saw in May's eyes that time. Concern, again.
« Grant, you cannot erase your past. You have to learn to live with it. But you can't avoid your future either. Someday, sooner than you wish, you will have to go out. You will have to face the people you say you betrayed. You will have to apologize; at least I think that's what you want to do know. »
She pauses and you feel like the little boy you never were.
« What if they don't want to hear it? »
« They will. »

On the bad days, you wish he could come and get you. Get you out of here, retake control of you and you'd be his puppet for the rest of your life and that would be so much easier. You wouldn't need to think. You wouldn't need to feel.
You still have difficulties accepting he's dead. That's called grieving, apparently. Sometimes you wish you could have seen him one last time, you have so much to ask, so many answers you need. Sometimes you wish you could have seen at least his dead body to make sure he's actually, completely and forever gone. Sometimes you just wish you could go back to when everything was more simple.
On the good days, you think about Coulson. Sometimes you imagine how things would have turned out if he had been your S.O. On those days you also think about Skye. You think about her getting shot and how it made you feel. It might sound masochistic but those feelings aren't that bad. Because they were the first feelings you had experienced for someone other than him, in a long time. You start believing that back then, maybe, you could have changed; but you know that's not true. You hope you will, though. You hope you will change. At first you wanted to change for her and you talked a lot about that with Anna. It took you a long time to realize you shouldn't change for anyone but yourself.
We won't talk about the days you think about your... family. Those are not good days, of course, but they are not bad days either, for they are so much worse.

Jemma and Fitz come back. This time you stand up when they enter the room and Fitz comes right at you to give you a hug. Unexpected.
« Happy birthday, man. »
It's your birthday?
« You could say thank you », Jemma says angrily.
« Th... thank you. »
Fitz looks at you with a bright smile and punches you in the arm. You're happy to notice his hands don't shake today.
« Don't mention it. »
Jemma's stare still feels like knives on you.
« I never thought Jemma Simmons could intimidate Grant Ward », Fitz says with a laugh, and you feel the tension drop a notch. You sit on your bunk while Jemma leans on the wall.
« Come on you two! » Fitz adds, « Make peace. »
Jemma doesn't say anything but you know she's giving him that look, that big sister look that says 'you don't know what you're talking about'.
« I'm sorry. »
You didn't think you could do it; you'll have Anna to thank for that. You feel like a weight has been lifted; but a very very small weight from the ton of guilt that still crushes you.
« I'm sorry for what I did to you. »

Skye comes a few hours later. It must really be your birthday then.
« Hey. »
She's still as tiny as you remember, but she looks older, wiser. You guess betrayal can do that to a person. Boy, how you miss the way she used to look up to you.
« So... »
She sits cross-legged on the floor. So she has to look up if she wants to look at you, and you can't allow that. You slip to the floor to face her.
Your skin is hurting because you want to touch her so bad.
« Jemma is still mad at you, she says with a laugh. But Fitz is telling me it's getting better. »
« She should be » is all you can say after a few seconds.
« Wow, it talks! »
Her laugh is like a hundred tiny little razors on your heart.
« Anyway. Anna is telling us you're making progress. »
You still don't know what to do.
« Maybe you could show me? »
You look up and your eyes meet hers. She looks strong and vulnerable at the same time, like she's expecting something from you. You shake your head.
« Ward, come on. »
She said your name.
You sit in silence for a while longer, before she gets up and goes to the door.
« I'm sorry », you murmur as she walks out.
You don't know if she heard you.

« Skye came », you tell Anna the next day. « She said you told them about me. »
« I did. They were wondering how you were doing, so I told them you were making progress. »
« Is that all? »
« Yes. »
« How do you think I'm doing, really? »
She sighs. « I should return you the question », she says with a smile.
« Oh, you're doing great. »
Was that a joke? How long has it been since you've made one of these? Have you, ever?
She might have shared your thought because she looks at you with a smile in her eyes.
« I think you're doing good, Grant. I actually wanted to talk to you about that, because I've been asked to write an evaluation of our sessions. I didn't give them an answer yet, I wanted to talk to you about it. »
« What do they want to know? »
« What we talked about. What's your view on the situation now. Whether you pose a threat. »
« What will you tell them? »
« I would tell them, with your authorization, that I think you are doing better. That you are experiencing feelings of guilt and regret that show you have changed. That you became aware of the power Garrett had over you and that being aware of that will help you heal. I don't know if you pose a threat. I think we all can be dangerous when we feel vulnerable. I'll tell them you dealt with what you've experienced in the only way you were ever taught: violence. And I'll tell them you're learning to deal with your emotions differently now. What you do with what you've learned while being here; that's up to you. »

You stay in this cell for a few more months. It's been almost fourteen months in total, Anna tells you when you ask.
She did the assessment they asked for and apparently they were happy with it. Enough to let you live anyway. Which surprisingly, you're actually kind of grateful for.
Fitz and Jemma visit you more regularly, every three weeks or so. It's mostly Fitz, bringing you comic books and telling you about the last improvement he made to the dwarfs or the icers. You're just glad he is ok.
Jemma still doesn't talk much, but she seems less mad. You don't dare to ask about the rest of the team, but sometimes Fitz tells you Skye says hi. You wonder if it's true or if he's just being nice.
Sometimes you can sleep a whole night without having a nightmare.

« Director Coulson wants to talk to you. But he won't come here. »
Anna sits in front of you as usual. She only comes twice a week now. You don't mind seeing her less, it helps you learn how to deal with your thoughts and emotions on your own. It's like learning how to ride a bike, but keeping the training wheels on.
« It means you'll have to leave this cell. You'd just go a few floors up. Agent May will come and get you next week. »
You're thankful she gave you some time to prepare. When May comes, you don't feel ready, but you're able to make it out of the room.

As procedure requires, you're cuffed and blindfolded as you walk through the corridor. May's hand on your arm doesn't give away how she might be feeling, standing close to you, touching you, literally guiding you. At some point you ride an elevator, then it's five steps to the right, seven to the left and you stop. She knocks on a door, which you find pretty strange because if it's Director Coulson's office, there should be better security measures to enter the room than just a knock on the door. Then again you're with May, what kind of security measures could surpass her?
You hear the door slide open and May makes you step in. The door closes behind you and she takes off your blindfold. You're actually in Coulson's office. You know it because it looks just like the one he had on the Bus. Although now there are some pictures on his desk and you wonder if they're pictures of the team.
You stand still as May stays behind you, quietly standing in a corner of the room. Coulson is sitting behind his desk, wearing glasses and a scar on his right cheek you had never seen before, reading what you believe to be your file.
You're not sure what he expects from you right now. Should you stand still? Sit? Kneel? Talk? Keep quiet? All these factual thoughts run around in your head and you know it's just a way for you not to think about the other stuff. The serious stuff. The reason Coulson wanted to see you.
« Sit. »
You do so, and being at eye-level with him, you look down.

You've been thinking a lot about that, lately. Talked a lot about it with Anna too. Why you can't look people in the eyes anymore.
It was never a problem for you before. Whether you were lying, or being honest, talking about everyday stuff or serious matters; you never had trouble looking people in the eyes. Except for Skye, sometimes.
But now, it's become the hardest thing for you to do. You always avoid Jemma's stares. Fitz seems like he noticed that on his own, genius that he is, because he always sits next to you, never faces you. It's different with Anna, but when you talk about really sensitive matters with her, you can never look at her.
She says it might be because of the guilt. That feeling guilty, about anything, makes it difficult for people to look directly at other people. That it's like when a child breaks something and they just look down when they tell their parents.
That might not have been the best analogy to use with you. Because after she says that, you spend hours trying to remember whether or not you were able to look your parents in the eyes. Your brothers. Or if you always looked down.
You can't remember clearly, but you know you looked up to see the flames.

« I have a problem regarding your situation. »
If only there was just one.
« Fitz won't shut up about you. »
Huh?
« He's always Ward this and Ward that, and Ward is getting better, and I wish Ward were here, and Ward would have handled that mission so much better than Trip, and Ward was the best at battleship... He just won't stop. »
You want to smile but you don't dare to. This sounds so much like him.
« It's like that time he wanted a monkey. We finally got him one so he would shut up and the damn thing wrecked the lab and my Lola. »
May laughs quietly and Coulson looks at her with fury.
« Anyway. We've discussed this and we want to give it a try. Maybe. In a not so far future. »
You freeze. What did he just say? What? You must have heard wrong.
« Is this a joke? » you ask, looking at him.
« Do you really think I would joke about something like that? »
You know he wouldn't. But it seems so impossible.
« It's been eighteen months, Ward. A lot happened. On our side, but also on yours, if I believe what Anna told me. I speak for the whole team when I say we're ready to offer you a second chance. The question is, are you ready to take it? »

You are. You think. You're not really sure.
Damn.

It's a few more weeks before you're allowed out of your cell again. Trip is picking you up this time and you go to a training room of sorts. He explains they want to assess your physical strength, and you spend two hours running around and punching bags. You kept exercising the best you could in your cell, push-ups and sit-ups mostly, so you're not in bad shape, but you're definitely not at your best.
Throughout the whole session you feel like Trip wants to ask you something, but he doesn't.

« So how is it going? »
It's been a month since you've started training again. They offered to move you to a proper room but you asked to stay in your cell. You feel safe there.
Your sessions with Anna have moved to her own office though, because you are not officially considered as a dangerous prisoner anymore. You're allowed to go out and go to certain places. They have you wearing an ankle monitor, specially designed by Jemma. It tells them where you are, and if you do anything they don't like, there's a night-night bullet inside the bracelet that they can trigger. So they leave you alone, mostly.
« Fine. »
You eat at the cafeteria now, alone at the end of a table, and it reminds you of the short time you spent in juvie. But after all those months in the cell, you're just happy to be allowed to sit and eat at an actual table.
« What did you do since our last session? »
You also have access to the training room, in which you spend a lot of time, sometimes under the supervision of Trip or another specialist, but most of the time you're alone. One evening you go, thinking the room will be empty, and Skye is there, training. Your eyes meet and she opens her mouth but you're out before she can say anything.
« Fitz came to visit two days ago. Told me he and Jemma went to see her parents. »
That night you keep having flashbacks of when you were training her. You wonder what kind of agent she has become. If she has killed anyone. Who her S.O. is now.
« I trained with Trip, too. He almost didn't try to break my arm this time. »
Those flashbacks lead too others memories you usually try not to think about. You hadn't seen her since she visited you on your birthday. You don't know if she heard your apology. You want to scream it at her but in the meantime, you're incapable of facing her.
Now that you understand your own issues a bit better, you also understand how bad her own abandonment issues are. And you know she trusted you. And that betraying that trust was the worst thing you could have done to her. You'd like to know how to make it better. But you don't.
« Why do I have the feeling there's something bothering you that you're not telling me? »

The first mission you're assigned to is not a big, heroic, save-the-day mission. You accompany May getting a package in some creepy street somewhere in China. You go in, the deal goes as expected and you come back. May and you flied on a private jet. No bus for you yet, you guess. They're testing you. You even start to wonder if it was an actual mission. May didn't say a word that wasn't mission-oriented.
But who cares.
That night you go to sleep with a smile on your face.

After that you go on a couple of missions with Trip. Coulson is looking for an 0-8-4 and you're sent to gather intel. For the second mission, you have to infiltrate a cocktail party and in preparation of that, you get to spend some time with Fitz while he explains all the gadgets he wants you to use. Seeing him in his natural environment is a relief you hadn't expected to feel.

You've stopped counting the missions when you're summoned to Coulson's office again. You've stopped counting the days. You've stopped sleeping in your cell, and accepted that you deserve the confort of a real bed. You've almost stopped feeling bad about Fitz because one day, you apologized to him again, and he got mad at you and tried to get angry and tell you that you had to stop apologizing all the time and move on, but really Fitz cannot get angry, and you started to laugh, and so did he, and you felt everything was fine with him.
You've started looking people in the eyes again. Even Jemma. The two of you don't see each other much - she lets Fitz see you on his own now - but when you do, it's not tense anymore. You got to talk to her alone once and apologized once more. She stood still for a while, her hands trembling, but then she looked at you with tears in her eyes and hugged you. That was very unexpected, and very quick, as she walked back after a second or so. She told you how betrayed she had felt and how she hopes you never do anything like that again because god help her, she will find that Chitauri virus and give it to you without thinking twice about it. You tell her with a laugh that you hope she didn't put it in the ankle monitor, and when she looks up at you you know she's not mad anymore.

« You and I are going on a mission. »
You're in Coulson's office but it's not him sitting behind the desk. It's Skye.
« Where is Director Coulson? »
« He's not here. I knew you wouldn't talk to me it you knew it was me. So I borrowed his office. »
She's right. You wouldn't have talked to her. You still don't know how.
« So. Mission. We're going to Los Angeles. They've spotted a kid acting strange, possible telekinesis powers. We're going to check it out. »
You just nod.
« We might have to talk to one another at some point you know. »
« I know. »
« Good. »
She waits for a moment before she starts to talk again. « Listen, it's not going to be easy. For either of us. To be around each other. So let's just do our jobs and be done with it ok? »
You nod again.
You get up to leave, but before, you have to ask.
« Why me? Isn't there anyone else available? »
« Coulson's orders. »
Coulson's orders it is, then.

The mission was a success. Your interactions with Skye... not so much. It was more of a lack of interaction to be honest. But at least it didn't go badly.
Mostly, you drove the car. To LA. To the location. You stayed three feet behind while she knocked on that family door. Stayed in the doorframe while she talked with them in the living-room. At some point you had to chase the kid but it was pretty easy to catch up with him and he was just a lost kid so, you realized you knew how to deal with him. You brought him back to his parents and the look of gratitude in their eyes made you feel uneasy. You stayed in the car while Skye was giving them the last info on the follow-up SHIELD would be providing. You drove back. She kept looking out the window; didn't say a word.

A few days later, as you're leaving Anna's office, you find Skye waiting for you in the corridor. She says she wants to talk to you. You just spent an hour telling Anna how hard it was for you, her not talking to you through this whole mission, so really, you'd be a hypocrite not to say yes. So you follow her.
You go to the training room, which luckily, is empty. She sits on a bench and gestures for you to sit next to her.
She stays silent for a while and you don't dare start talking. You wouldn't know where to start anyway.
At some point she lifts her head up and you tense up as she starts that conversation you've been dreading for months.
« I wanted to hate you so bad. I really, really wanted to. I really tried. But I couldn't. »
You want to tell her that you have hated yourself enough for the both of you, but you feel it's not the time.
« I was really mad though. I mean, I told you stuff I never told anyone. I showed you who I am. You meant a lot to me, Ward. You were someone I could trust, someone I could look up to. You were a part of that family I had finally found. You were someone I could love. »
She breathes in, heavily, and you can hear tears in her eyes but you don't dare to look at her.
« But you weren't. You weren't there for us, you were there for him. »
Your heart sinks at these words.
« I've talked a loooot about all that with Anna », she adds with a sad laugh. « That's why my thoughts are so articulate, in case you're wondering. I've talked about you for hours. With Fitz, too. »
She pulls her knees to her chest and turns her head to look at you. Only you cannot look back. Not yet.
« We tried to understand, together, because no one else on the team wanted to hear about you at first. So I talked with Fitz. And I was so amazed at the faith he still had in you. I mean, if he can forgive you, after what you've done to him, then anyone can forgive you, right? »
That sad laugh, again.
« Well, I guess it's not so easy. We're not all Leopold Fitzs. That dude got the brain and the heart. »
« Skye... »
Her name sounds like a prayer in your voice. Finally, your eyes cross her and you feel relief as you can see hope in them.
« I'm sorry. »
« I know you are. »

« We're going on a mission in China. It's going to be at least two months. You're coming with us. »
Coulson didn't summon you to his office this time, he came to meet you in the cafeteria. You were having coffee with Fitz and now you understand that spark you've been seeing in his eyes for the last twenty minutes.
« Do you think I'm ready? »
You don't really know who you're asking, Fitz, Coulson, or yourself.
« You've proven yourself a good agent on the missions we sent you on. Everyone agrees on that. »
You nod, even though this means so much more to you that it means to Coulson.
« And maybe Fitz will get off my back now », he adds, looking at him wearing his brightest smile.
« We leave in two days. »

The next day you go see Anna. You don't have an appointment, but you would miss the next one, being away and all, so you hope she'll agree to see you.
« I wanted to thank you. »
« I only did my job. »
« I know. Still. I couldn't have done it without you. »
« Done what, Grant? »
« Change. Discover who I am. Who I can be. »
« And who is that? »
« Well, I'm not sure yet. But I know who I don't want to be. I guess it's a start. »
She doesn't say anything for a while and you just sit in silence; but now, it feels comfortable.
« You know you can call me, from that plane, anytime you need. »
« I will ».
« And I'll see you when you come back. »
« You will. »

« Skye, » you call after her as the rest of the team gets on board. She stops to look at you.
« How does this work? »
She looks at you with question marks in her eyes.
« What, the plane? I don't know, you should ask May. »
You almost laugh but you just smile a little.
« I don't mean the plane. I mean... this. Being here. Me being here. With you. Not you, you, but you, the team. »
« Oh ».
She hesitates and you wonder how many discussions they might have had about your coming with them.
« Well, first there's this - she points at your ankle - so... I guess we're... »
She grew up so fast, sometimes you forget how young she actually is. It's like she was a hundred when you had that talk in the training room and now she's that little kid from foster care again.
« Ok. Well... »
There is so much you want to tell her, you don't know where to start. But you know that now you'll have time for that. At least you hope you will.
« Listen, we cannot act like nothing happened. But we can decide not to talk about it. If that's what you want. »
You think about Anna and the reproachful look she'd give you right now. But at least you're looking straight into Skye's eyes. That's a start.
« But... I'd like to tell you, one day, not today, about my past. If you're ok with that. I mean, you're important to me, Skye. And I'd like you to know everything there is to know about me. I'd like you to know who I am. If you'd let me. »
There's a moment of silence and you can see her struggling with her thoughts.
« I' d be honoured », she finally answers, and you believe her. « I won't lie to you though... You know the past three years have been pretty hard. Not all because of you, but all... that, she gestures vaguely towards you, didn't help. I... I don't know how I feel about you anymore. »
You do. You know how you feel about her. But there is so much more to fix before you can even think about starting to tell her.
« I did love you once, though, she adds. And I'd like you to show me I could love you again. »

Side by side, you enter the Bus.